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Author Topic: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.  (Read 2784 times)

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Offline SafeHaven

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  • Posts: 10
Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« on: July 20, 2013, 04:48:36 PM »
Hey there guys, first things first i just wanted to say its an absolute pleasure to be here having always used Poz.com as a source of education and keeping up to date
I decided to sign up as i feel like i am having the hardest time coming to terms with my diagnosis/situation, even though i am doing everything right with appointments, treatment adherence etc

A little background info...

Diagnosed Mid June,
V/L 99200,
CD4 Count 312
2 weeks post starting Stribild (Once a day with food)

I broke up with my other half about 2 months ago, contrary to what all my friends said and all of the problems we had and being strung along by him emotionally, i still felt he was the love of my life. I had to take control though, be emotionally responsible and i had to end what had become a volatile situation... even though i was in love- we werent the same people :(..

A couple of weeks post breakup i decided to go in for a routine sexual health checkup, i didnt believe i had any cause for concern as any encounters in my history have always been safe, i then received the news of a reactive result... i knew before the counsellor said a word.. her silence spoke volumes, when she walked back in the room... it was almost like she was disappointed for me.
I died right there and then.

Nothing prepares you for being told that. Nothing.
The weeks following i probably fell into an endless abyss and really just feel like i dont wanna be here or live with the changes even though and as much as a nightmare it is right now.. i actually am?

Having gone straight to support groups, admitted for psychotherapy, had my labs done and am in my 2nd week on Stribild, i still feel EMPTY, im reaching out in whatever way i can, but its in my mind my belief system wont allow me to find peace in what i cannot change. I messed up, pretty bad.

While disclosure shouldnt have been my first port of call while i was trying to deal with myself and my emotions, i told everyone that needed to be told, my parents, close friends and including my ex, it was merely my way of not throwing any blame but, now forcing myself to accept "whats done is done" and i needed to take responsibility for myself and him. I probably couldnt have felt worse, being met with and being told i was the biggest curse of his life. Great. Make me feel tonnes better.

We no longer have any sort of contact whatsoever which is healthier and i guess the 2 things that kill me are the fact its over and im somewhat moving forward without him and the second is hes probably happy this has happened to me, and i made the biggest mistake that has ruined my life. Obviously we've all made istakes before, but for this i dont know what the resolution to it is?
What sucks is im channeling my frustration into continuing to do great at my job, which has alot of people relying on me for support both in and outside of the office, and since finding out, while i am still outperforming, my mind is in another place.

 I know im not perfect and i am only human, while i am coming to terms with the fact i actually have HIV, the burden of two things in the space of such a short period of time have proven to be too big to bear, and i have no idea how even with all of this help and treatment adherence im going to move forward - i mean who is going to love me now? It hurts enough not having any idea how i got it, but thats NOT IMPORTANT now, and i keep telling myself that. I wish it was enough that i have supportive friends, i even wish it was enough i have a supportive family, i even more so wish it was enough that i havent skipped a day in meds or keeping appointments... but its not..

If i have to take one positive thought away from this...

If we were till together i may have never gotten tested.

No doubt there have been people in worse predicaments, that theyd know the extremity of, how are you dealing?

Thankyou all, and i apologize for my lack of structure in writing, head is in a different space.

Offline mitch777

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2013, 05:34:15 PM »
Hi Safe,

After reading your post it's no wonder you feel the way you do.
Hearing the news from the doc soon after your relationship came to an end are both high impact events. Dealing with each of these will take time.
Try to give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up. As you said, it's all about being human.
It looks like you are doing well with being involved in your treatment. Applause! :)
Glad to hear you have supportive friends and family. I do too. The forums have added another dimension of support for me and I think you will find that here as well.
As far as being loved by others in a future relationship... I've been with my partner for 19 years and I've been HIV+ for almost 31 years. He is negative. It happens more than you may realize.
Just curious as to how long you were with your ex?
Anyway, putting your focus on your health and work might be a good way to go even though it is difficult. Hang in. time helps in sorting this all out as well as support and a good therapist.
Nice to have you join us. Welcome! :)
m.
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2013, 05:56:18 PM »
Hello!

I just wanted to jump in and basically quote mitch777 here. You have been indeed smacked by two buses. But here you are, still standing. Or sitting. I don't presume to know how you use your computer.

Welcome to the forums! Like we tend to say, I'm dreadfully sorry you needed to find this place, but am very glad that you did. We have some of the best people, the best science, and the most attractive moderators of any site on the web.

Cool that you elected to start treatment right away. Research indicates that this is a preferred course of action, and it really helps psychologically to take control over the situation.

About your ex, well, it sucks. No way around that. And maybe a clean break will prove to be for the best. Please know that you are not "damaged goods" any more than anyone else you are likely to encounter. We all have something. Some people have emotional baggage, some people have cancer, some people are skinny, fat, or have HIV. Does it shrink the dating pool a bit? Yeah, no question.

But it has been my experience that it's primarily shrunk away people who would be hard-pressed to deal with large-picture items in general. I have been positive since 1993, and have managed to fall deeply in love three times since then. You will find love again, or it will find you.

You've really taken the bull by the horns (or the bus by the wheels) by getting into treatment and therapy, and disclosing to those closest to you. So many people fret and stew over each of those things for YEARS, wasting time that is always better spent moving forward. I have all the faith in the world that you are going to be OK. And of course, it's fine to not be OK at the moment. But you will be. I know this.

Again, welcome.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline mitch777

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2013, 06:36:07 PM »
We have some of the best people, the best science, and the most attractive moderators of any site on the web.

Well, not so sure about that last part. Have you seen Jeff's avatar pic? ;D

 Please know that you are not "damaged goods" any more than anyone else you are likely to encounter. We all have something. Some people have emotional baggage, some people have cancer, some people are skinny, fat, or have HIV. 

This ^ can't be said enough around here. :)
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline SafeHaven

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  • Posts: 10
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2013, 07:37:55 PM »
Hi there mitch, hi there jkinatl2!

Thankyou so much for the loving and warm welcome, im sure without a shadow of a doubt i will find sanctuary here albeit it through reading and taking the time to secure my knowledge that im not as alienated as i think i am/ thought i was.


Mitch:

Im starting to think maybe i am not human [lol] as i keep asking myself the question [especially when listening to advice from people in similar situations] why can i not just figure this out and be over all the things that i feel are implications or setbacks.
Im somehow always brought back to the same questions, and those questions are in turn leading me to beat myself up even more, i even go as far as seeing it as a punishment from breaking up with my partner [which wasnt a very long relationship, but intense feelings of the emotional kind were involved] - which obviously makes no sense but in the bewilderment it seems like it could be rational. Im happy to hear and know that sero-discordant relationships arent a myth and i commend and admire your long term commitment to each other. One can only but hope when the time is right someone will love me for who i am, i think before then, i need to figure out what those things are, and what they arent, HIV shouldnt be one of them, but right now, it is :(. Im grateful to have not succeeded at "kicking the bucket" a few weeks back but id be lying if i say it doesnt still cross my mind... :( im trying.. i really am.

jkinatl2:
Howdy! most of the time i sit, more comfortable :)
thankyou for your loving welcome, no need to be sorry i had to find Poz. im grateful that poz EXISTS,

I was given not much of an option about delaying treatment, my dr said my V/L was extremely high [though it can run into the millions] and my Tcells were quite low, it doesnt take much to remember to take one pill a day with food, even though ive been defunct in alot of my other priorities, it was at the very least something i could commit myself to a regime of without being to cynical. Although i dont believe due to the lack of side effects, the meds arent doing anything? Weird right? [i guess theres still some cynicism left in me]  :o

While so quick after my last relationship i knowi shouldn't focus on the prospects of dating and relationships, it feels good to know though that, it isnt the end, and i now have the opportunity of maybe meeting more open, knowledgable and emotionally mature human beings..

It also wasnt an option to delay in disclosing, for my own sake. I felt i had to put everyone i cared about before my own feelings even if they were/are a mess. Its not all been golden with regard to reactions as stated in first post, but no use in waiting to find out when you could be the reason why certain things happen, or are prevented, regardless of the scenario.

Im going to choose to trust you feel i will be okay, even if i dont totally trust myself... yet.




Offline mitch777

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2013, 08:30:20 PM »
Your kindness and openness is to be commended. Really.

The people you speak about that would say "why can't you just figure this out and get past all of this" are not being very kind. They may mean well but...

The length of your relationship doesn't change what it meant to you. (hope you didn't mind me asking... just curious with no preconceived judgment on my part)

Your attitude is more positive than you might think. (pun not intended) Your perspective seems clear in so many ways. :)
Give yourself credit!

Giving yourself time to come to grips is a great idea. Release the pressure valves so to speak.

Looking forward to hear more from you.

Mitch


 
« Last Edit: July 20, 2013, 08:33:49 PM by mitch777 »
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline wolfter

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  • Posts: 4,375
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2013, 08:43:11 AM »
Welcome to the forums.  You've rec'd some excellent advice/comments that are spot on.  Hope to hear more from you.

Wolfie
productivity breeds content

Offline LiveWithIt

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  • Posts: 377
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2013, 09:37:30 PM »
Good luck to you, better to be hit by two busses than survive a plane crash and be run over and killed by a rescue vehicle.  (which is what happened to one of the poor Asian girls that died in the San Francisco plane crash)
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline OneTampa

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  • "Butterflies are free."
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2013, 10:29:59 PM »
Hello SafeHaven,

I co-sign with a nice big bow the Welcome and posts from the other Board Members.

 :)
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline SafeHaven

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  • Posts: 10
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2013, 04:46:29 PM »
Onetampa Thankyou so much, its an honor to be here

Livewithit I guess i should count my blessings, 2 buses yet still being alive to tell the tale sounds alot better than demise.

wolfter i will be here alot more thats more sure

mitch777

Funny thing about being blinded by what you think is love is that even when there are red flags and things that dont appear right from the outset, you ignore them with the hope that they are temporary and it will subside. Bad luck of the draw thats all

Not much to report on, besides the fact that given a little bit of time things have been getting a little more productive in life and also in my way of thinking, i do have days where i still miss us, but as you mentioned mitch the clearer my perspective becomes on all aspects that were seemingly cloudy, the more i see it was as much as it meant to me and i valued it, it wasnt to be... my mental note is learning to be okay with making mistakes or not doing things right. Thats my OCD!

Taking my meds has not been a problem, and HIV for me personally doesnt feel like a massive deal anymore having been so receptive and absorbing the fact that all the people im supported by are living normal lives and its not an affliction in their lives, theyve learnt to be more than just okay with it. The only thing im bad at is taking the multivitamins.. Selenium being able to boost immune system, but ill get there.
I have my first bloods since taking Stribild tomorrow, i dont really know what to expect, and besides increased energy during my day my lymph nodes have started to go down, i hope this is a good sign...

more to follow as i crawl out from under the 2 buses..

Offline mitch777

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2013, 05:08:59 PM »
Safe,

Sounds to me that you are crawling out with a level head and self determination. :)
I'm sure your VL will be UD in no time!
One step (or knee as it is) at a time.

m.
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline SafeHaven

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  • Posts: 10
Im doing everything right yet i STiLL feel wrong
« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2013, 10:54:09 AM »
Im doing everything right yet i STiLL feel wrong. Im still seeing myself as damaged goods.

Everyone around me is acknowledging just how much I am moving on and progressing in my life, but its more so than I ever will care to acknowledge.
Im going to my appointments
Im 100% Adherent, never missed a dose
Im seeing a CBT therapist and i also attend support.

 I just dont know if this torment of messing up, is going to ever end, and i feel like im going into a deeper and darker state than i was in before. All i think about is dying, not at the hands of the virus, but my own hand.  I feel like i want to die.

Everyone tells me i have a choice, but i fail to see where the choice is. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me

In 2 days time, it will be 2 months since i received my initial diagnosis, i just finished my first bottle of Stribild and started my second one on Friday, but im still truly stuck. As previously addressed in earlier posts not only did i receive the news of being poz, but i exited a relationship that as damaging and manipulative as it was where i gave my EVERYTHING and got nothing back, STILL meant so much to me. Its been like mourning the deaths/loss of two things. One was seeing and being in love with my partner and the second is my integrity/self value.

I felt like it was my first and last chance at love ...I feel that by having HIV Ive resigned myself to thinking and feeling ill a) never be the perfect candidate and b) never be able to give 100% effort love respect and care that I felt I could if I had no conditions or ailment. Maybe my ex was right when he said i was a curse?

I talked alot with my mental counsel, about how I feel like I could easily be with someone who has hiv and not see it as a problem or curse or burden but I believe that no one would want to be with me as either I see myself as the burden or the problem or they will just get up and leave me for someone deemed "healthy".

I also admitted that seeing other peoples "flaws" and how they manage life for me is an attractive beautiful quality BUT i dont believe that quality wouldnt be found attractive in me even if i am considered to be "managing". Im getting by. It doesnt change the fact that all i want to do is harm myself. Additionally i admitted this new diagnosis has spoilt EVERYTHING i ever worked towards and wanted to achieve, and while i never asked for or sought it (im sure none of us did) its my fault.

I do blame myself. I blame myself for alot that has happened and the only way ive been able to move on is to put myself into my work but I cant do that 24 hours of the day.

Its hard to accept I fell in love and gave everything i ever had to the wrong one. Then when it all ended, he gets to go back to his normal standard life and my prize was that my life will NEVER be normal again.
So while I may be living a "normal" relatively successful life accroding to my observers my idea of that has been torn to shreds and i feel ill never be able to fix the mirror as it broke and went out of the window..

Im reaching out for help here, as im doing all that i should and could do, but its not making a difference, im back to square one all over again


« Last Edit: August 10, 2013, 11:00:03 AM by SafeHaven »

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2013, 11:55:36 AM »
Welcome Safe havan it,s been an all mighty couple off months for you AI would like to suggest that is OK to take  a brake , unless I have missed something your phsical health is fine and I don,t think I would lose any monie betting on those t- cells growing .

The inportant point is you discovered your status before lying in a hospital bed. Like as not theres a long future ahead off you, hopefully using what you have learnt to help others who post here.

I look forward to following your progress.

Best Wishes

mhtv
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline oksikoko

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  • Writing the congressman again
    • the treatment cascade
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2013, 04:19:22 PM »
Safe, I hate to break it to you, but HIV isn't all that special outside of what society's done with it. You are neither more nor less 'damaged' now than you were before you tested poz. There are two ways of looking at this: we're all damaged and every new day we get more and more damaged, all of us, poz and not, or (my view) there's no such thing as being damaged. You are what you are and you are what you are because of every little thing that's happened to you in your life. You may want to change who you are, but all you can do is change how you treat others and how you react to the way life treats you.

You can view this as a tragedy and mourn what may or may not have ever been, or you can accept it, maybe even love it, because you don't know what's next. It could be better than anything you've ever imagined. You may meet someone you love whom you never would have met if you hadn't stumbled onto this road. Or you may not. Life is not knowing. But you are here now, and you have a choice, and I can tell you, at least from my personal experience, things are much nicer when you choose acceptance and love for whatever life has given you. Even if it's another fucking Carly Rae Jepsen song. Yes. You can even learn to love that.

It's a beautiful day, and you're beautiful person. A beautiful HIV+ person just like most of the others on here.

I know I sound like a poor man's Deepak Chopra, but you really do have a choice. Take te cheesiest path and smile a lot whether you mean it or not. Eventually you'll mean it.

Sincerely,
Lee, who is as dark and moody as the best of you but doesn't feel like it today because the Eurythmics are on the radio

PS - the buttons are so small on phones here that I accidentally reported someone to the moderator. That was an accident, dearest moderators.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline oksikoko

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    • the treatment cascade
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #14 on: August 10, 2013, 04:25:34 PM »
PPS - There are billions of people having 'standard, normal lives'. I can't think of a worse hell. Walk the streets like you own them, because I rescind what I said. Being poz kinda does make you special. We deal with stuff early that others think of way too late in life. While your ex goes back to his normal life, you get to have an entirely new, possibly amazing one. You just have to make it so for it to be so.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline karry

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  • Posts: 271
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #15 on: August 10, 2013, 05:19:02 PM »
Hi Safe
Please don't let anyone else or even HIV make you feel like you are damaged goods or a curse....because you definitely are not.
HIV is not a blessing but it made me see those who TRULY love me. Believe me with time it gets better. You will some day meet that man,pos or neg, who will see you as nothing but a blessing.
One thing i have learnt is that life and love can still happen after an hiv diagnosis.
Dont give up...give yourself time.
Hugs
K.
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline Habersham

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #16 on: August 10, 2013, 05:32:16 PM »
Hey There,

I just wanted to say two things to you;

Oksikoko gets better radio stations than I do.

You will fall in love again. I'm over 50 and I have been in love maybe 5 times. Two of them were for 5 years and after I tested +.  I'm not damaged goods - well maybe a little occurred during shipping. When you least expect it love comes around again.

Keep your chin up my friend!
Because I Can

Offline tednlou2

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #17 on: August 11, 2013, 02:26:27 AM »
Just wanted to welcome you to the forums.  I don't think there is anything I can add, that hasn't been said.  It is unfortunate you told your ex, and he said you were the biggest curse of his life.  You could have very well been infected by him.  If he hasn't been tested and has had risky encounters, he should thank you for telling him, so he can check his health status, instead of throwing stones. 

Keep in touch.  I look forward to hearing more from you-- the bad feelings and eventually more happy ones.  I look forward to having you cutting-up in the off-topic forum. 

Ted.

Offline CalvinC

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #18 on: August 11, 2013, 11:30:17 AM »
Adding my .02 to what's already been said:

Your situation mirrors/mirrored mine. I diagnosed and the guy I was seeing left me a few days later. I could hardly tell which was more devastating, being poz or dumped.

In the end, it's hard to unravel one from the other, but in retrospect it still seems that being dumped was the harder cross, though that cross was part of a larger pattern, I now see (after a lot of work on the self), of getting involved with emotionally unavailable people, amongst other self-defeating behaviours. So, it was more like 3 buses or, really, about 5.

The best thing that happened to me was to come to this forum, where I found uncritical support and affection. I even met some of the people here. It took me about a good year to get past the worst of the devastation and to assimilate constructive, healthy ways of dealing with the crap in my life. The guy who left me I have absolutely zero feelings for: I don't think of him, I don't care about him, nada. He's gone, and now I realize that that's a good thing. He wasn't there for me in the worst-case scenario (which in many ways is not a worst-case scenario); good thing I saw his true colours early.

But that doesn't help you, in the midst of it. All I can say is that tired ol' cliche, that time passing is your only guarantee that you will move on.

So, spend that time passing here, getting support AND supporting others.

Andrew

Offline SafeHaven

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #19 on: August 14, 2013, 05:29:01 PM »
You're all absolutely fantastic, thankyou for taking the time to welcome, read and respond accordingly to my issues mostly to do with my sense of feeling inadequate
I know our common ground is that we have all been through experiences that are similar in feeling and i dont want to take away from anyone elses feelings so id urge and be more than happy to share in your own experiences too.

I have been reading back from when i started the thread and i can acknowledge just a little bit that theres been some sort of natural progression with how im feeling, its not major but theres a margin. Ive been ghost, but active and id like to take the time to address all the new posts personally and individually:

Theyer
Thankyou so much for your welcome  :D , it most certainly has been an interesting [to say the least] couple of months and i just hit 2 months a couple of days ago. The pressure valves for the most part have been on 85% of the time even through all of the therapy and med taking. I cant believe my tcells had gotten so low in such a short space of time but saying that i dont know what my tcells were before i was diagnosed. But youre right.. i took enough responsibility in finding out before things could have been situationally worse. I have been doing alot of reading and trying to not alienate myself with regards to the feelings i have over it. Theres been a lot of "what ifs, if only, how can this be" but its not allowing me to find resolve in my life so its just finding a path that allows me to pick the pieces up n put them back together.

Lee aka oksikoko
I need to get back to the way of thinking that i do actually have a choice, i completely understand what you are saying. At this present moment, i feel like whereas everything was in some way shape or form planned, the implications (mostly mental and societal also) are causing me to veer down a very unfamiliar one way street where it almost feels right to  only look at it as bad judgement on my part, a tragedy, no real way of recovering without deluding myself into thinking that being
  • is okay and im in no way different. Maybe im partly reeling because of what society has done with it? Ive almost felt to the point of being not only inhumane and besides myself. Like.. the choice i could have made, has no brought on a condition that is permanent and forces me to have to take care of myself more so than the average person would need to (that can be a good or bad thing, i see what your saying)

I guess truth of the matter is in relation to my ex i cant believe im the one that would have to acknowledge having the "better" or changed life.
Its most certainly making me face some deeply rooted ideas i have and had about myself, i do hope Lee, that i can get there and start to make my life a life of celebration.

Karry
Hi Karry
I will try not to, its hard to accept that you are not different when most of society still uses immoral terms such as "clean" and "ddf". Im trying to give it time and take a bit of pressure off, i know rejection is inevitable in every area of life, but now its like i think its going to be the defining factor of my life from now on, almost destined to live a life of solitude.
But i wont give up, even when ive been close or ive tried to take my life.
I see how and why time is vital.

Habersham
Hehe, thankyou!
Im glad that you see yourself that way and have been able to continue with long term relationships with no problems or issues on either side - i guess if someone loves you then they love you. Regardless.

tednlou2
Howdy Ted, thankyou for your welcome and your contribution :)
It is unfortunate to have been met with even more ostracism and i was stupid to think that i could or would receive his support.
I could have easily pursued the route of blaming him in totality, but i chose not to for the sake of disclosure, and out of love and care.. but you can never predict how the other person is going to take it. Maybe i should have exercised better judgement, but in the end- it is out in the open and i held up what i felt i was obligated to uphold.
I will be sure to keep checking in and maintaining a presence. Going to jump over to the OT Forum now :)

CalvinC aka Andrew
Howdy Andrew, i think you hit the nail on the head.. i cannot differentiate between the two situations and their severity, it was just an all at once thing, i was already broken hearted, and then finding out i was poz, froze the broken pieces over. Its very much is a time of self learning, what to and what not to accept.. identifying emotional availability and the behaviors of others as well as your own that may cause you to be counterproductive.
I just want to be completely over the feelings of him and feel i have this [maybe] not so complicated issue to deal with. Hes gone, hes not coming back, i dont want him back.. at least i dont think i do?
 The forums have been a great support and i would read articles on it before my diagnosis, even better now it offers so much more

Offline newt

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  • the one and original newt
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #20 on: August 14, 2013, 05:54:48 PM »
ahem...

In then end it's just a virus, how you think about it is another matter.

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline SafeHaven

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #21 on: August 14, 2013, 05:59:41 PM »
ahem...

In then end it's just a virus, how you think about it is another matter.

- matt


agreed, but bringing yourself around to think of it as being "just a virus" isnt as simple for some.
Time, hopefully.

Offline SafeHaven

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  • Posts: 10
Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #22 on: August 22, 2013, 04:35:41 PM »
Hey gang, i just wanted to give a little update

I had my follow up with my Dr post labs
In 6 weeks my VL dropped from 99200 to 288
That was Jul 31st
Im astounded at how things have worked out biologically and figure i may well be undetectable now as that was at the end of last month the blood was taken.

Im relieving the pressure valves a little bit and delving deeper into my work and trying to advocate for myself a little better.
Coming to terms with the end of the relationship, i dont think about or cry about him as much if at all. The emotional channels have closed and are hardening over, a part of me wants to contact him for the sake of my own closure, but i fear it may be either too early, or ill get a negative response.

Still have a long way to go in terms of building my self esteem and being able to look in the mirror and see the same person i saw pre diagnosis, thats going to take a while, but im hoping to get there.

Offline mitch777

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #23 on: August 23, 2013, 10:02:02 AM »
Thanks for the update. Looks like my July 30th prediction that your VL would be UD in no time is coming true. Great news! :)
 
Once again you seem to working through all of this with a level head and with a good mix of self reflection and self distraction.

As far as closure with your ex...
Only you know what will help you but personally I would try to find closure in my mind without the contact. Just me.

Keep looking forward and remind that guy in the mirror that he will not only be fine but will thrive. :)

m.







31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline Denver Toad

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Re: Hit by 2 buses, cant help but think i made a mistake.
« Reply #24 on: August 23, 2013, 08:22:58 PM »
Quote
Nothing prepares you for being told that. Nothing.

Oh so true. I can still remember the moment my DR gave me the news. Time stood still, my vision tunnelled, and I could hear nothing. The Dr sat in front of me, his lips were moving, but I heard no sound. The office was brightly lit but I saw gray.

I've had my share of bad news passed my way. Death, disease, etc. To this day no single moment impacted me like the moment I heard my DX. Thanks for nudging me towards remembering. It's in remembering my past I find compassion in the present.

And that guy in the mirror... He's an okay guy. Cut him some slack, he'll thank you later on for it.

Welcome to the Forums.
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

 


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