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Author Topic: Scarlet Letter  (Read 363 times)

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Offline beardedboy

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  • Posts: 6
Scarlet Letter
« on: November 19, 2014, 12:12:59 AM »
...or symbol if you will (+)

Just as a preface, I'm not equating being HIV positive with that scandalous puritan adulterer Hester Prynne...lol just needed a catchy title for some dating advice.

Been 5 months or so now since I got the (+)
Dated one guy, we never had sex because we were waiting for the UD green-light, and the relationship just kinda fizzled. Also, he was an MD student who was super paranoid about contraction despite truvada, as it would affect his surgical rotations. A fact, that I believe he would never get over. Can I blame him?...not really

How do I date? I know intuitively, my dating pool is limited to people who are comfortable dating positive guys. However, I keep wanting to reject that reality.

Which brings me to my main point: Do I put the (+) in my profiles? I hate being reduced to the fact that I had bareback sex once and got HIV, but I see no other way of "weeding" out the people who aren't comfortable with it right off the bat.

I feel like I can't necessarily blame people. Truvada is not cheap lol, dating me now comes with a pretty high co-pay. (Yes, I know not everyone in a sero-discordant relationship needs to be on PreP)

I've heard people stick to dating other positive people. I've checked out those dating sites, and even the one on here. I'm 24, & the crowd on those seems to be a wee bit outta my age range.
Someone else told me there's lots of pos people on bbrt (which makes sense), so I checked that out. It's true there are lots, but I'm not too inclined to cultivating a relationship with anyone named "slutpig4now." I'll stick to just the one STD, thanks. Also wayyyy too many capital T's getting thrown around over there.

People ask me to hangout or go on dates on the other apps, and I'm starting to come across flaky and standoffish. It's just, the thought of telling each individual person before I even have a first date is mentally exhausting. It's not an easy subject to casually interject. I'm a 24yr old molecular biologist who lives in a city with a small (openly) pos population. So, what do?

Offline buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,231
Re: Scarlet Letter
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2014, 02:20:31 AM »
If your comfortable putting it out there for everyone to see then you could try it.  You will get fewer people talking to you most likely.  Guess you have to be prepared for that.   That could be a bummer but at least you know the people that are talking to you have a better chance of not flaking due to the +. 

Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline absopozilutely

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Re: Scarlet Letter
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2014, 05:28:52 AM »
Ugh I can sooooo relate. I'm 25 DXd in February, the hard part is my brother is on all the gay apps too, so can't do that as I haven't told my family. It really freaking sucks! The dating pool is all guys 60+ who hit on me. I don't mind older but 60 is just to much of an age difference. lol I also looked at bbrt but "seedmenow" didn't sound like a looking for long term dating type.
12/18 Infected
2/4 12:22pm tested POZ via ORAquick
2/19 WB Confirmation
2/4-2/19 VL 104,678 CD4 407
3/2 Genotype back, and Started Complera
4/2-CD4 688 38% and VL 1,600
5/1-CD4 592 42% and VL 336
5/22-CD4 732 31% and VL 109 :( STILL NOT UD!
5/31 Switched to Stribild :( I'll miss you Complera!
6/19 CD4 508 35% and VL UD!!!!! Crying at work like a baby.
9/19 CD4 799 46% VL UD yayyyy

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,082
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Scarlet Letter
« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2014, 06:30:51 AM »
Put it on the profile, or tell soon after you meet.  6 of one, 1/2 dozen of the other? Maybe advantages and disadvantages to each?
If I were you I would choose one MO and stick to it for awhile and see how it goes. If after a few months it doesn't work, try the other way.

by the way, those who will reduce you to your status, and reject you, don't care if it was a one-time deal or if you are a big slut. 
I would avoid where possible being perceived as sorting people into sluts/tramps and tragic/unlucky mistakes... Even if its not your intention to do so.  Its just not helpful and you might end up falling for an HIV negative slut, so...
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Buckmark

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  • Would you like to tie me up with your ties, Ty?
    • Henry's Home Page
Re: Scarlet Letter
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2014, 10:37:44 AM »
Believe me, this gets easier as time goes on.  In a few years, you won't be nearly as worried about disclosing your status to people.  Whether you put it in your online profiles depends on how open you want to be.  There is the advantage that people can't claim you didn't tell them.  The disadvantage is that a lot of people will immediately dismiss you -- but then you didn't want them anyway if they couldn't handle someone who is HIV+.  In my experience, people will find any reason to not meet you or stop dating you if they don't want to, and HIV is sometimes just a convenient and obvious excuse.

For the records, I put it in my online profiles -- that is, when I used to have online profiles.  Now that I'm over 50 and all dried up, I'd rather be home and watching Netflix or Amazon by 8:00 PM.   ;)



Edited to add:  If you really think that being HIV+ is like a "Scarlet Letter" then you need to do some work on forgiving yourself.
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline xyahka

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  • Posts: 789
  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: Scarlet Letter
« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2014, 12:29:13 PM »
Just wondering..... which are all those poz dating sites you mention in the first post????

i only know poz personals, bbrt.... and thats it and the number of latins there is so small that i usually feel like in an empty room.

Believe, if you want to know about few dating choices come to latin america :)


13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...


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