Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

Sex addiction and drugs

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Rockin:
I know some people (and the Admins) may not think this is specifically related to HIV...but, at the same time, some people might be going through exactly the same thing I am and maybe they can relate....and being HIV+, any sex related issue is relevant, in my opinion.

I've always been a very sexual person but when I was younger (I'm 33 now although most people usually give me 27 or so) I wouldn't act on it very much because of insecurity issues. I didn't feel I was handsome enough to get the guys I really wanted. That changed in my late 20's: I started going out more, making out with hot guys and I had a confidence boost, which was also helped by getting higher positions in jobs I'd had. My last relationship ended 2 years ago, almost at the same time I found out my status (we broke up for different reasons though). Ever since then, I only met with guy that intrigued me...we went out on a few dates but I guess he wasn't as intrigued with me.

With that out of the way, here's my problem: I have very strong sexual urges and when they take over me I cannot think of anything else. Jerking off certainly doesn't help anymore, whenever I do it I feel incredibly frustrated. So when the urge comes I go online and the hunt begins until I find a guy.

I usually go for very sexually open and confident guys. And most of the guys I've been meeting like to use drugs during sex, something I think it's pretty common in the gay scene. However, especially in the US, where I am now, crystal meth is apparently the drug "du jour". I always knew how dangerous it was...I tried a few times and I didn't think much of it.

However, last time I did it with a guy (a few days ago)...I got into this "sex trance" thing...and I ended up having sex with 3 different guys in the span of 24 hours. I was completely functional and looked normal to anyone who'd see me but I couldn't think of doing anything else. I didn't want to talk to my friends or eat or sleep. I just wanted to fuck.

It was scary as shit. After the 3rd and final guy, I came home and still spent hours watching porn.

Important to add that I didn't do anything unsafe...condoms were used. Did I say my status? No and I don't think those guys particularly care and no questions were asked. I'm aware of the law here but I don't wanna go deep into this, this has been covered extensively and I already know how most people feel about it.

I don't wanna use meth anymore because of what happened this last time...but I keep wondering why do I feel like such a slave to my sexual urges. I see people who are fine without it...they can go on without sex for 1 or 2 months and they seem to be fine. Why is it such a huge deal for me and why I can't say no to it? The drugs, I feel, are a consequence of this...without the random hookups I probably wouldn't be doing drugs because, to me, both things walk hand in hand. I don't buy drugs to do them by myself at my house.

Sorry for the long post and I may not have been as eloquent as I wanted. I just don't know if I may have a sex addiction...or if maybe most gay men feel exactly the same way. I just sometimes think I should be doing much more productive things than focusing on sex too much.

Anqueetas:
I would say that everyone born differently and there is nothing we can do to change it. Some people born with high sex drive and some people don't, it that simple. What you can do is to discipline yourself, learn how to control it. That would be hard and it will take time and only can achieve that, you can seek help such as therapy but in the end its you that will make a difference.   I gone through this thing like you didmyself, but nope I'm not poz because I fuck around. It only take one mistake to ruin your life. You think things can't get even worse when you poz?  Try treatment failure and you run out of option or you become a drug addict and get fired from your job and well end up with no health care or roof over your head.

I took me a while to clean up my act but yeah its hard. NOw i have a future when there isn't any before. The future is in your hands and no one else.  Seek help if you need one.

Cheers 

Rockin:

--- Quote from: Anqueetas on July 02, 2013, 12:21:59 PM ---I would say that everyone born differently and there is nothing we can do to change it. Some people born with high sex drive and some people don't, it that simple. What you can do is to discipline yourself, learn how to control it. That would be hard and it will take time and only can achieve that, you can seek help such as therapy but in the end its you that will make a difference.   I gone through this thing like you didmyself, but nope I'm not poz because I fuck around. It only take one mistake to ruin your life. You think things can't get even worse when you poz?  Try treatment failure and you run out of option or you become a drug addict and get fired from your job and well end up with no health care or roof over your head.

I took me a while to clean up my act but yeah its hard. NOw i have a future when there isn't any before. The future is in your hands and no one else.  Seek help if you need one.

Cheers

--- End quote ---

I've dabbled with drugs for years now and so far I don't think it ever became a real problem. I did sometimes go overboard but I never got close to losing a job or something like that because of it. And especially when it comes to meth...I know how dangerous it is and I cannot see myself buying that stuff and doing it myself, I think it's suicidal. Watching porn for almost 10 hours straight? I think it's insane, that's why I plan on not touching that stuff ever again.

But yeah, when these urges take over me it seems like nothing really matters. If a friend is inviting me to go somewhere I simply ignore. On one hand, I do think there are few things in life as exciting as sex. On the other hand, I know that having sex with strangers all the time, even using protection, is not necessarily a good thing.

I've thought of therapy, don't know how much it would help. Maybe. A relationship would be the "cure" for this because I actually behave myself quite well while in a relationship and don't feel these urges as strongly as I do while single. But I haven't had much luck. I do open myself to knowing people and try not to put too many boundaries around me, but for some reason the guy just doesn't show up.

Rockin:
This article by Vice Magazine pretty much sums up what I've experienced in the UK. Thankfully I found out that I don't really belong to this scene and never went to those things again but it's a pretty accurate snapshot of what's going on in the London gay scene right now.

At least on the few parties I've been there I saw loads of condom but I'm sure that's not always the case.

http://www.vice.com/read/the-week-long-meth-fuelled-sex-parties-taking-over-londons-gay-scene

Pricho01:
Hey - just wanted to say that I have also been in that exact same situation re Meth. It is so fkg addictive and alluring.

I have been able to significantly control then stop my use of Meth but it took a long time. Just like you in Australia it is definitely the drug of choice when your're online, trolling for sex.

They say it is more addictive than Heroin and to be honest, it almost killed me, literally.

After I stopped I would lay in bed at night and get rushes just from thinking about the drug which would lead to restlessness and sleep disruptions.

It also then led to the use of valium and other benzo's to sleep which was in and of itself a nightmare, cause you need more and more of them to get the same effect.

The thing is that there is so much "moral" judgement out there around this stuff rather than recognition that using stuff like meth is an illness..... but as they say "haters gonna hate" right?.

All I can say is, being honest, you are on a slippery slope, no judgement here just my own experience and that of a lot of people I have seen head down the same road.

All the best to you......

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