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Author Topic: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?  (Read 3313 times)

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Offline PiscesAries82

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  • Posts: 14
No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« on: July 01, 2013, 09:46:10 PM »
I just have a quick question for anyone that has recently tested positive and how they've been dealing with it. I tested positive in December 2012 and as of today I have had absolutely no reaction to it. I haven't cried, I'm not angry, and honestly I wasn't shocked either. I had one guy that I would have sex with regularly and we got to a point to where we stopped using protection and never got tested. So I know who I got it from, and I feel like I made the choice to not use protection, so I now have to "man-up" and deal with the results of irresponsibility. After being told I was positive, I continued life as normal. I haven't had sex since then either. I started Atripla in February and life for me has seemed like nothing has changed, except for the fact that i know I'm HIV positive. Is this normal? I feel like I should be upset, crying, angry, and feeling like the sky is falling but I'm not. I would like to know if there is anyone else out there that didn't have a reaction to finding out they were positive.

Offline WillyWump

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Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2013, 09:54:03 PM »
I haven't cried, I'm not angry, and honestly I wasn't shocked either. ... so I now have to "man-up" and deal with the results of irresponsibility.

This was pretty much my exact response when I tested Poz. I did however cry for like 10 seconds at the water fountain on the way out of the docs office. But that was it, haven't shed a tear over my HIV since that point.. It is what it is. I channeled my emotions by researching and finding out everything I could about HIV and treatments.

-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
11-6-14 CD4- 871, UD
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline PiscesAries82

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Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2013, 09:59:50 PM »
This was pretty much my exact response when I tested Poz. I did however cry for like 10 seconds at the water fountain on the way out of the docs office. But that was it, haven't shed a tear over my HIV since that point.. It is what it is. I channeled my emotions by researching and finding out everything I could about HIV and treatments.

-Will

Thanks Will. Good to know I'm not the only one. I was seriously starting to think I was a walking time bomb on the brink of an unknown emotional breakdown.

Online Jeff G

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Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2013, 10:06:56 PM »
I guess there is a stark difference to finding out you have HIV in 2012 than it did in 85 when I was officially diagnosed , it had a whole different consequence or reality then .

You might find this odd but I have experienced both of the reactions you ask about . I never blamed anyone or tried to figure out which past lover I may have been infected from because I never thought of it in those terms ... that someone gave me HIV , I felt like I went out and got it and it was my actions that led to my infection . When HIV was new to me I didn't feel much of anything because there wasn't anything much to process at that point .

Eventually I did feel profound sadness and anger when the people I loved died horrible deaths , most shunned by their family's . The anger turned to fear as time went on and my friends kept dying or going away and never coming back , I was certain I was next .

I'm not surprised that you feel the way you do , you have your story and I have mine but its important to remember that we haven't finished living the story and there is time to feel many more emotions and many different ways .     
« Last Edit: July 01, 2013, 10:10:09 PM by Jeff G »

Offline PiscesAries82

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  • Posts: 14
Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2013, 10:16:24 PM »
I guess there is a stark difference to finding out you have HIV in 2012 than it did in 85 when I was officially diagnosed , it had a whole different consequence or reality then .

You might find this odd but I have experienced both of the reactions you ask about . I never blamed anyone or tried to figure out which past lover I may have been infected from because I never thought of it in those terms ... that someone gave me HIV , I felt like I went out and got it and it was my actions that led to my infection . When HIV was new to me I didn't feel much of anything because there wasn't anything much to process at that point .

Eventually I did feel profound sadness and anger when the people I loved died horrible deaths , most shunned by their family's . The anger turned to fear as time went on and my friends kept dying or going away and never coming back , I was certain I was next .

I'm not surprised that you feel the way you do , you have your story and I have mine but its important to remember that we haven't finished living the story and there is time to feel many more emotions and many different ways .   

Wow. Jeff thank you. Very well said.  ;D

Offline darryaz

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  • Posts: 450
Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2013, 11:23:33 PM »
I didn't really have much of a reaction either.  On some level I already knew.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2013, 03:36:47 AM »
I just have a quick question for anyone that has recently tested positive and how they've been dealing with it. I tested positive in December 2012 and as of today I have had absolutely no reaction to it. I haven't cried, I'm not angry, and honestly I wasn't shocked either. I had one guy that I would have sex with regularly and we got to a point to where we stopped using protection and never got tested. So I know who I got it from, and I feel like I made the choice to not use protection, so I now have to "man-up" and deal with the results of irresponsibility. After being told I was positive, I continued life as normal. I haven't had sex since then either. I started Atripla in February and life for me has seemed like nothing has changed, except for the fact that i know I'm HIV positive. Is this normal? I feel like I should be upset, crying, angry, and feeling like the sky is falling but I'm not. I would like to know if there is anyone else out there that didn't have a reaction to finding out they were positive.

Well its fine and dandy that you didn't have a big emotional reaction to infection/diagnosis.  Count yourself lucky, and keep that steady and rational head of yours.

But you have had a behaviour change - you stopped having sex.   Is this because nobody on the horizon? Or because your HIV status changed.  If its the latter, you might take that rational brain to the task of figuring out how to continue your sex life, "as normal" - just the new normal....  ;D ;D
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline PiscesAries82

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Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2013, 08:26:48 AM »
Well its fine and dandy that you didn't have a big emotional reaction to infection/diagnosis.  Count yourself lucky, and keep that steady and rational head of yours.

But you have had a behaviour change - you stopped having sex.   Is this because nobody on the horizon? Or because your HIV status changed.  If its the latter, you might take that rational brain to the task of figuring out how to continue your sex life, "as normal" - just the new normal....  ;D ;D

You're absolutely right mecch. I've had many opportunities to have sex, but I feel like I'm just not ready to "dive in the pool again." Not sure how I feel about telling someone I'm positive before we do the do either. I'm fully aware that there are people out there that don't tell their sex partners they're positive, and just use protection. I don't know if I'm comfortable doing that as well. I know at some point I'll be ready to have sex again, but it's not something on the forefront of my mind right now.

Offline wolfter

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Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2013, 09:42:38 AM »
I honestly don't remember what my initial reaction was in 1986.  My own status didn't affect me as much as watching loved ones die slow, agonizing deaths.  That's when the anger kicked in.

Figuring out how to live with this virus instead of preparing your death is certainly a better option.

Wolfie
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline leatherman

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  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2013, 12:02:38 PM »
I still remember how surprised the nurse was in 1992 when I didn't have any reaction to my poz dx on the day after Christmas (what a lovely xmas present - NOT). But like I told her, "It's 1992, I'm gay, my partner is sick, my friends are dying, of course I have it too."  ::) I mean it is what it is, and there was never any real choice but to deal with it.

then I went home, and because I was/am the practical realistic one, told my partner to quit thinking his recent illness had anything to do with his Crohns Disease, and called the one-and-only ID doc in town to get us scheduled in for appts. By march, I was sucking down 16 AZT blue-n-white caps a day and my partner was in a clinical trial up at the Cleveland Clinic (which did him no good whatsoever; but did surprisingly turn him quite orange :o ).

I've never cried, never was shocked, and never got angry about being infected; but - even though there's been a crapload of stigma to deal with in all these years - by being the practicial, realistic one, I've always understood the reality that HIV is just another one of many, many diseases. It's a shame that others have made it out to be some evil bug-a-boo; but to me it's just a disease, a disease that I have, and a disease that I have had to deal with all these years.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline PetraP

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  • Posts: 7
Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2013, 05:51:24 PM »
Well for me it took 3 weeks before I cried. I found out on 6/4/13 and even now I get a little overwhelmed.  it became bad when my husband said he wanted a divorce.  now, its just day by day.

Offline JMMich

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  • Posts: 18
Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2013, 10:29:27 AM »
I asked a similar question in my very first post, and the quick consensus was: everyone reacts differently.

I had a really rough time for the first couple weeks (especially the first day, June 1 of this year). I was at the local Pride festival and they had rapid testing going through the county health department at the LGBT center. I went in thinking it would just be a test like any other, and when I got the news I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. It's really a blur at this point, but I'm pretty sure I cried. It was up and down for the next couple weeks.

However, since then, my outlook/reaction has been much better, especially since I got in to see my doctor. I've also realized just how many friends I have to talk to and lean on if I hit a rough patch. Everyone has been very supportive, and my ID doc has been great. (I'm actually starting treatment next week, but that's a post all it's own probably in another one of the forums here.) I'm sure it helps that the rest of my life was otherwise on track.

In the last two to three weeks, in fact, I'd say I'm dealing with it more in the way you are; only the initial reaction was different. I guess what I'm saying is, no, your reaction isn't abnormal because there isn't really a "normal." Good luck to you!

Offline DrewEm

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  • Posts: 66
Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #12 on: July 06, 2013, 02:12:15 PM »
I had pretty much the realistic, pragmatic respinse you did. As I tell people HIV was always in the back of my mind since I was sexually active. I also knew a few poz people before diagnosis so that helped.

Offline Cpt.Mauzer

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  • Posts: 33
Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2013, 01:32:30 AM »
I felt much the same way.  I wasn't exactly shocked at what the doctor said.  I had a bunch of tests run, he told me i had lyme's disease (which is looking like i actually did not...that's still tbd) and after a short pause dropped the HIV bomb on me.  I did quite loudly assert "WHAT" at him, but really in the back of my mind I was more freaking out that I had to go home that night and tell my mother.  After I told her I was pretty fine, took a couple days for it to sink in.  I did cry a bit, but it was more over the social stigma (I have social anxiety issues).

I have to live with the poor choices I made and that's that.  I had been running around since age 16 trying to fill some empty void in my life with meaningless sex...so I had always worried about it and even researched HIV quite a bit years before I even found out (a month ago).  My mother isn't really supportive and this just is another notch on the list of "reasons why I'm a disappointment to her" but I'm going to be okay, and I'm looking forward to the rest of my life (I should note that I'm a 21 year old college student, so dependant on my parents for insurance/finances).
6-7-13 Detected
6-10-13 74949 VL CD4 458 (32%)
6-27-13 Started Stribild
7-29-13 VL 29 CD4 731 (31%)

Offline 2blessed

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  • Posts: 57
Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2013, 11:27:59 PM »
I had two reactions on February 22nd 2013 I got a test from Walmart and cried for five minutes, I guess that's how pregnancy tests work, then I called my bestfriend and told him and he literally thought I was joking until I started taking meds lol but after that day I've just focused on actually LIVING life it's funny but in many ways my diagnosis has been a blessing in disguise a very very ugly disguise

Offline canicken

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  • Posts: 5
  • Casey N
Re: No reaction to being positive. Is this normal?
« Reply #15 on: July 13, 2013, 11:57:58 AM »
I can absolutely relate.....

I tested positive April 2013......its an odd way to describe what I felt, I was a little bit in shock.....detached....but not completely surprised....I had after all put myself at risk.....I've had a more difficult time with the physical aspects.....serroconversion, fatigue, lab reports/results and medication side effects than I have had any emotional response to what has happened

I don't know if I will grieve it, I don't feel different but I feel changed.  Another odd description of it I know, but its accurate.  i don't feel any different as a person or who I am, but I definitely have a changed perspective on how I view and treat the people in my life.....I've gained a deeper appreciation for those closest to me, and am more open, kind and compassionate with people I encounter.....its actually been somewhat of a strange phenomena....in many ways I am more positive as a person with a positive diagnosis.
04/06/2013 Tested Positive
04/08/2013 CD4 326 10.2% VL 16,720
04/18/2013 Started Atripla
05/17/2013 CD4 350 17.5% VL 90
06/22/2013 CD4 263 18.8% VL 20
07/22/2013 CD4 270 19.3% VL Undetectable
09/19/2013 CD4 313 17.4% VL Undetectable
12/22/2013 CD4 374 22.0% VL Undetectable
03/31/2014 CD4 409 21.5% VL Undetectable

 


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