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Author Topic: Need to rant  (Read 2760 times)

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Offline Dennis

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Need to rant
« on: June 27, 2013, 02:29:30 PM »
I don't post here often, but need to rant a bit.

For the past two weeks and have felt like death. About two weeks ago I started to feel extremely tired despite how much sleep I got. Over the past week I've lost my appetite, don't want to do anything but sleep, stomach cramps, and ache like hell. I'm contributing this to m Hep B, and I am just starting to feel better.

This I can cope with, for the most part. Honestly, it scare the hell out of me. But what I don't understand is how my partner, who is also HIV+, has been so damn un-apathetic. I've been home from work since last Friday and he accused of taking too many sick days. Mind you, we own our own business, and I have done work from home. He stated that I must feel well cause I ate McDonalds the other day. Mind you I've lost almost 10 pounds and though a fatty meal with milkshake would help, considering I really haven't had  full meal in a week. I asked him a couple of days ago to pick me up some canned chicken noodle soup and gatoraid. He did. But when he got home he put the gatoraid in the fridge and the canned soup on the counter and pretty much said here you go. No offer to poor me a glass or fix me a bowl of soup.

On top of that he complains how I seem to have an attitude. Well yeah, I feel like death and my partner does the f*** bare minimum to try to take care of me or make me comfortable!

I swear he is the most un-apathetic person with this disease I have ever met!

Thanks for listening.



Offline Jeff G

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2013, 02:55:07 PM »
Im sorry you have been feeling unwell Dennis , if I were there I would make you soup and be sympathetic but in the mean time go ahead and vent away .... and get well soon .

My ex once went to get me food , came back 6 hours later and told me he got hungry and ate it on the way home . I learned not to depend on someone while sick when you are in the process of a divorce LOL .   

Offline darryaz

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2013, 03:01:21 PM »
Here's a thought...... have no idea if it's the case in your situation or not.

I had an ex who became totally distant and pretty much useless any time I got sick.  On one occasion he dropped me off at the ER and then went to a bar.

I later found out it was because he was overwhelmed with anxiety over me being sick. 

We discussed it a bit and although we aren't together anymore we are still close friends.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2013, 03:07:37 PM »
Here's a thought...... have no idea if it's the case in your situation or not.

I had an ex who became totally distant and pretty much useless any time I got sick.  On one occasion he dropped me off at the ER and then went to a bar.

I later found out it was because he was overwhelmed with anxiety over me being sick. 

We discussed it a bit and although we aren't together anymore we are still close friends.

Your ex was pretty good salesman huh ? That ranks right up there with I beat you because I love you , LOL .

Offline WillyWump

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2013, 06:33:54 PM »


 I asked him a couple of days ago to pick me up some canned chicken noodle soup and gatoraid. He did. But when he got home he put the gatoraid in the fridge and the canned soup on the counter and pretty much said here you go. No offer to poor me a glass or fix me a bowl of soup.


This is most likely why I am single... but to that I would have said "would it F*ckin kill you to make me a bowl of soup asshole?!"

I'm sorry you are going through this Dennis, it sucks. Get better soon.

-Will
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Offline ohwell

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2013, 07:10:52 PM »
I know it's not important but "un-apathetic" doesn't exist i think you mean apathetic ( the opposite of sympathetic)... anyway, end of the english lesson.

Your partner might be a dick, he might not, we all tend to sympathize with the one suffering or in pain, but I have some questions for you, it might help you understand what might be going on.

are you sure your partner does the minimum to take care of you? are you sure he doesn't do stuff for you that you might not realize?  have you considered he has issues to deal with besides you? are you sure you don't have an attitude? do you tell him what you  need or do you just want him to magically guess your needs and then got mad because he doesnt?

Even though i'm new dealing with HIV i recently discovered or accepted that it was me the one causing more problems in my relationship (it might not be your case), my bf is negative and he has been supportive, but in my mind i was going crazy thinking he might leave and or he might stop loving me, so i became a clingy and also i had anxiety so i wanted him to be with me all the time, and also asked him to do things he would never do before i tested positive cuz he didnt like it (like climbing) and then i felt frustrated when he wouldnt do that with me and blame him in my mind for not being supportive.

Now I realize being sick doesnt and shouldnt get me the special treatment from others. Also I find that people help you and support you in ways you might not notice. I dont know how sick you were but maybe he didnt put the soup in the bowl cuz he wanted you to get up and do something instead of sleeping forever.


Maybe you are right but think about it...






they made me do it

Offline darryaz

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2013, 07:33:34 PM »
Your ex was pretty good salesman huh ? That ranks right up there with I beat you because I love you , LOL .

Well, I can't say with any authority that you're wrong.  He did spend time in a mental facility though.  That seems like a lot of trouble just to get away from me.

Offline Dennis

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2013, 09:32:46 PM »
I know it's not important but "un-apathetic" doesn't exist i think you mean apathetic ( the opposite of sympathetic)... anyway, end of the english lesson.

Your partner might be a dick, he might not, we all tend to sympathize with the one suffering or in pain, but I have some questions for you, it might help you understand what might be going on.

are you sure your partner does the minimum to take care of you? are you sure he doesn't do stuff for you that you might not realize?  have you considered he has issues to deal with besides you? are you sure you don't have an attitude? do you tell him what you  need or do you just want him to magically guess your needs and then got mad because he doesnt?

Even though i'm new dealing with HIV i recently discovered or accepted that it was me the one causing more problems in my relationship (it might not be your case), my bf is negative and he has been supportive, but in my mind i was going crazy thinking he might leave and or he might stop loving me, so i became a clingy and also i had anxiety so i wanted him to be with me all the time, and also asked him to do things he would never do before i tested positive cuz he didnt like it (like climbing) and then i felt frustrated when he wouldnt do that with me and blame him in my mind for not being supportive.

Now I realize being sick doesnt and shouldnt get me the special treatment from others. Also I find that people help you and support you in ways you might not notice. I dont know how sick you were but maybe he didnt put the soup in the bowl cuz he wanted you to get up and do something instead of sleeping forever.


Maybe you are right but think about it...

I have a feeling you and he would get along well. Do I have an attitude. Yes. I probably do. I'm not my usual cheery self when I feel like death apparently. And do I tell him my each and every single need. Hell no! I would think my partner, the person I spend 24 hours a day with for the past 3 years would and should be able to anticipate my basic needs by now. You know...simple things like soup when I'm sick. If I tell you I'm achy offer advil, a backrub, draw me a warm bath. You know, things that significant others typically do for the other when they're sick.

Here is how today went. He woke up (slept in the other room). Got ready and left for work. Mind you, never came in to check on me before he left. Turned the AC up to 80 degrees, even though I was still home (we live in South Florida). Not once did I get a text or phone call throughout the day asking how I was feeling. Instead I get a text about my attitude the last week. He came home. Mind you, I had dinner ready before he arrived. When he walked in, I was laying in bed. He opened the bedroom door and then closed it without saying a word. I just woke up. Guess what....Dinner hasn't been put away. Guess the person who is not feeling well with the attitude will have clean up. So yeah, I have a bit of an attitude about this. Like Willy said...Would it kill him as much to fix me a fricken bowl of soup!

So if you can find some minor action in all that which has helped me out today please let me know. But thanks for the English lesson.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2013, 11:52:47 PM »


  I totally understand how you feel Dennis.  My wife is just like him.  When she's sick I nurture her in so many ways, making whatever food she likes and running to the store past midnight to get her cold medicine or some ice cream.  Don't get me started on the emergency tampon runs in the middle of the night.  Don't these things happen every month??

  When I'm sick, I still have to do things around the house and get my own medicine..  And if I'm real lucky she'll start an argument while I battle a 103 degree fever, which is always fun.

  I learned to try my best to not get sick, it seems to be the only time we ever argue.

  I should do what my daughter does when she's sick.  She'll run up to mommy and say, "I've got to throw up!" and proceed to cover her with vomit.  She gets the royal treatment after.... not even a cross word.  I've obviously been outsmarted by a five year old.

  We should try it Dennis...

 
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline surf18

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2013, 09:01:51 AM »
Ugh I had Hep B in 2005 in May and cleared it in Dec.
Anyways that was the worst I ever felt in my life! I understand how you feel. I had zero desire to do anything , tired beyond words. Ugh
When were you dx'd?

Online Joe K

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2013, 02:28:04 PM »
Hey Dennis,

I hope you have a speedy recovery and I'm sorry your mate has been less than empathetic to your plight, however, sometimes perspective is everything.  As frustrated as you might be, if the biggest issues you have with him, is his apathy to you being ill, not dying, then count yourself very lucky.

Granted the little things can drive us right up the wall, but that's part of what builds a relationship and in the end, it's why he'll always be there, when the really important stuff happens.  You really can't have one without the other and I'm not sure anyone would want that..  then again, being recently single, what the hell do I know.

Get well soon.

Joe

Offline Dennis

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2013, 03:34:37 PM »
Hey Dennis,

I hope you have a speedy recovery and I'm sorry your mate has been less than empathetic to your plight, however, sometimes perspective is everything.  As frustrated as you might be, if the biggest issues you have with him, is his apathy to you being ill, not dying, then count yourself very lucky.

Granted the little things can drive us right up the wall, but that's part of what builds a relationship and in the end, it's why he'll always be there, when the really important stuff happens.  You really can't have one without the other and I'm not sure anyone would want that..  then again, being recently single, what the hell do I know.

Get well soon.

Joe

Thank you, Joe. You are absolutely right. Although, I'm not sure at this point he will always be there.

Offline Dennis

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #12 on: June 28, 2013, 03:38:51 PM »
Ugh I had Hep B in 2005 in May and cleared it in Dec.
Anyways that was the worst I ever felt in my life! I understand how you feel. I had zero desire to do anything , tired beyond words. Ugh
When were you dx'd?

I was diagnosed in 1990. I started meds in 2005. Norvir, Truvada, and Reyataz. The reason for this regimine I'm told is the Truvada would help suppress the Hep B. For the most part it has been working. I guess a lot of my feelings now are fear based.

Offline Dennis

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #13 on: June 28, 2013, 03:48:22 PM »

  I totally understand how you feel Dennis.  My wife is just like him.  When she's sick I nurture her in so many ways, making whatever food she likes and running to the store past midnight to get her cold medicine or some ice cream.  Don't get me started on the emergency tampon runs in the middle of the night.  Don't these things happen every month??

  When I'm sick, I still have to do things around the house and get my own medicine..  And if I'm real lucky she'll start an argument while I battle a 103 degree fever, which is always fun.

  I learned to try my best to not get sick, it seems to be the only time we ever argue.

  I should do what my daughter does when she's sick.  She'll run up to mommy and say, "I've got to throw up!" and proceed to cover her with vomit.  She gets the royal treatment after.... not even a cross word.  I've obviously been outsmarted by a five year old.

  We should try it Dennis...

 

LOL!  I doubt I would get the royal treatment if I vomited on him. However, I'd like to do it once just to see the look on his face.

Last December I went to the emergency room after work. He hadn't been home yet. I called him from he hospital. Would you believe when he hot home, he got dressed for a x-mas party he was going to that evening before coming to the hospital. Once I was told it was just bronchitis and handed my prescriptions, he took off saying he would see me later. He was obligated to go because he told the hostess he would make an appearance. And then at 1am when he got home he attempted to make me a pot of chicken soup. You know, first things first.

Online Joe K

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #14 on: June 28, 2013, 04:22:48 PM »
LOL!  I doubt I would get the royal treatment if I vomited on him. However, I'd like to do it once just to see the look on his face.

Last December I went to the emergency room after work. He hadn't been home yet. I called him from he hospital. Would you believe when he hot home, he got dressed for a x-mas party he was going to that evening before coming to the hospital. Once I was told it was just bronchitis and handed my prescriptions, he took off saying he would see me later. He was obligated to go because he told the hostess he would make an appearance. And then at 1am when he got home he attempted to make me a pot of chicken soup. You know, first things first.

Dennis,

I think I need to retract my previous comments.  If I were in the hospital and my mate didn't offer to stay with me, I would have to rethink our commitment.  It's one thing if he offered to stay and you told him to go and have fun, but for him to make a social engagement as more worthy of his time than being with an ill partner... it just doesn't sit well, at least with me.  Granted, I come from a history where being hospitalized usually involved life threatening illness, still, you don't get put in the hospital for a hang-nail.  I simply cannot understand how his main focus was on a party and not a sick partner.

Where I am really confused, is if you have told him about these things and he keeps doing them, exactly why are you with him?  I am not judging, only asking, but this must be important to you, as by your own admission, you rarely post in the forums.  Somehow I suspect you are looking for validation for a decision you may have already made.

Joe

Offline Dennis

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #15 on: June 28, 2013, 04:36:46 PM »

...Where I am really confused, is if you have told him about these things and he keeps doing them, exactly why are you with him?  I am not judging, only asking, but this must be important to you, as by your own admission, you rarely post in the forums.  Somehow I suspect you are looking for validation for a decision you may have already made.

Joe

You have hit the nail on the head! I love him. But I need to know that as I get older and progress through this that my partner is going to be there by my side. After 23 years of being HIV+ I know it's only a matter of time until complications begin to rear their ugly head.

Over the past three years I've seen him change. He was an alcoholic when I met him, and he turned that around. When I met him, he had just recently moved to Florida. He admitted to me he came here to die after finding out he was HIV+. Through all this I helped him with his addiction, I made an appointment for him to see my doctor, and helped him navigate the system to get meds. I guess I expect a bit more when I get sick.

But leaving is hard. We own business together. Working together as a couple is difficult. I can only imagine what it would be like if I left him. And if we lose the business, we both lose all of what we have.

I'm torn between thinking that he either just doesn't give a shit, not having a total realization of this disease, or just not being caretaker.

Dennis

Online Joe K

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #16 on: June 28, 2013, 05:27:40 PM »
You have hit the nail on the head! I love him. But I need to know that as I get older and progress through this that my partner is going to be there by my side. After 23 years of being HIV+ I know it's only a matter of time until complications begin to rear their ugly head.

Over the past three years I've seen him change. He was an alcoholic when I met him, and he turned that around. When I met him, he had just recently moved to Florida. He admitted to me he came here to die after finding out he was HIV+. Through all this I helped him with his addiction, I made an appointment for him to see my doctor, and helped him navigate the system to get meds. I guess I expect a bit more when I get sick.

But leaving is hard. We own business together. Working together as a couple is difficult. I can only imagine what it would be like if I left him. And if we lose the business, we both lose all of what we have.

I'm torn between thinking that he either just doesn't give a shit, not having a total realization of this disease, or just not being caretaker.

Dennis

Dear Dennis,

I'm so sorry you are experiencing all of this.  Stephen and I just separated after 14 years, so I can empathise with the whirlwind of emotions you are feeling.  I think the decision to leave a partner is one of the hardest any of us ever faces, but I think that many times, it's a failure of communication that leads to the end.

Have you told him about your fears of being sick and alone?  Or shared with him your view that eventually HIV is going to devastate you with illness?  I read about all you have done for him, but when you say you expect more when you get sick, that reads to me like the "owes" you something, because you helped him.  I understand the feeling, however you may be each speaking a different language.  If I've learned anything in life, it is to never assume that anybody knows anything, unless you tell them directly.  Words have meaning, but labels can be confusing and what you describe as a "caretaker" may be totally different from how he would define the term.

You mention you have a shared business, yet that is a by-product of your relationship and while important, I don't think it should be part of the equation.  Dennis, the bottom line in any relationship is: Are you better with him, or without him?  It can be a really hard question to answer, and even harder if you are not clear about what you really "need" in your life.  Assuming you have told him, what you have shared here, I would think your decision would already be made.  Fortunately, love is not always so simple.

If you believe, that what you share is worth saving, then get off these forums and fight for the man you love.  Work with him, to develop the tools you both will need, to love and support each other together.  You must do this, if for no other reason, to know that if you decide to leave, that you did all within your power to make it work.

Joe

Offline bocker3

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #17 on: June 28, 2013, 07:13:14 PM »
Dennis,

So sorry that you are going through all this -- health and relationship-wise.  Joe, as usual, is offering up some great advice and perspective.
Another thing to consider, if you want the relationship to continue, is to try couples counseling.  Twice in our 24 yrs together, Sid and I needed to do this because our communication had sort of reached an impasse.  We simply weren't hearing/understanding each other.  These counselors did a wonderful job at helping us bridge that gap.
Relationships are wonderful things -- but they do require constant work.  Sometimes, they even require some outside help.  We did the counseling because we really wanted to be sure, if we split, that we had done everything we could to stay together.

Something to ponder -- and whatever you decide, know that you have friends here to listen and support you.

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
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Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #18 on: June 28, 2013, 07:21:17 PM »
Something to ponder -- and whatever you decide, know that you have friends here to listen and support you.




This cant be said enough around here .

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #19 on: June 28, 2013, 09:23:07 PM »
LOL!  I doubt I would get the royal treatment if I vomited on him. However, I'd like to do it once just to see the look on his face.

  It wouldn't work on my side either.  Please excuse me for making light on the subject, I sometimes simply stuff feelings like your going through and that's probably a fault of my own.  Joe gave you some good advice to ponder.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline tednlou2

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #20 on: June 29, 2013, 12:56:18 AM »
I'm sorry to hear your partner isn't being very supportive and nurturing.  As I read the thread, some things came to mind.  You said he is a recovering alcoholic and moved to Florida to die.  As we know, alcoholics often start drinking, because they cannot cope with life's obstacles.  The part about coming there to die also stood out.  Is it possible that he puts up a wall about everything virus related, where he just can't deal with it well?  I know I have issues going to hospitals, after being there ill.  I will visit family, when they are there, but I've noticed I want to leave.  I've been accused of not caring much.  So far, these have been aunts and uncles.  I felt their family is there, so what's the big deal anyway.  Obviously, a partner, sibling, or parent is different.  I hope if my partner was hospitalized, I would put my issues aside and do what I need to do. 

The "being together 24/7" also stood out.  There are few couples, who can spend almost every hour of the day together.  We start to get on each other's nerves.  I'm certainly not saying any of this would make it okay.  I'm just thinking these issues may be worth discussing-- either together or with a therapist. 

My partner was with me the whole time I was in the hospital.  He slept on a cot for the 8 days or so I was there, except to go home a few times to shower and check on things.  It was christmastime and he had a party to attend.  I told him to go, but he refused.  So, your partner's behavior would make me question what the point of the relationship is.  I guess I'm saying before automatically going to he just doesn't care and is indifferent to your illness, have a heart to heart about his behavior.  This may be more nuanced than that.   

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #21 on: June 29, 2013, 03:21:22 PM »
Hope you feel better, seems like your partner is more of a roommate than a partner.
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline surf18

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #22 on: June 29, 2013, 03:57:58 PM »
Dennis when were you dx'd with hep b?

Offline Dennis

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #23 on: June 30, 2013, 01:16:28 AM »
Dennis when were you dx'd with hep b?

1990. Same time I found out I was HIV+

Offline Dennis

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #24 on: June 30, 2013, 01:17:42 AM »
Hope you feel better, seems like your partner is more of a roommate than a partner.

Actually, I have roommates which were more attentive.

Offline HARLEY_B

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #25 on: July 03, 2013, 06:40:48 AM »
 Dennis, so sorry to hear of your issues with your health and your partner. I have to admit that I don't have an answer except to say that we listen to each other on here. Everyone else always seems to have the sage advice that I lack. Joe's advice in particular always strikes a cord with me although I often fail to acknowledge it to him. I hope you feel better and are able to work things out one way or the other so that you find the peace of mind you deserve.

                                                              Tim

Offline weasel

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Re: Need to rant
« Reply #26 on: July 03, 2013, 11:36:01 AM »

   Hi Dennis ,
                    I'm hoping you feel better .

      I am very lucky , If I get a cold or flu Bob is Johnny on the spot with
      Chickens cooking in the pot for a nice soup   :)

      If I get any adverse  AIDS issues  , Bob tends to turn  away , He will
      say nice things like   , IT IS JUST SINUSES GET OVER IT ! 

     As  Bob is not POZ he has no clue , nor does he care to get a clue about HIV  >:( 

      I've been lucky not to have been hospitalized , But when Bob is in the Hospital I always have been able to sleep in the room !  The V.A. is accommodating to partners .

   On the other hand my Husband is so freak'n  jealous  we usually have bitter one sided arguments that last for days  .............. If I take a trip anywhere !!!!!

 I went to Pride Last weekend  and came home to holy Hell  :-[

  The  bad feelings  , I suppress mine , No need to fuel the fire unless I just want to   push him over the edge !

 These   incidents end , as this one just did by me saying I LOVE YOU !

All better now   :o

  We've been together   33 years now . I will never split up  !   

    Bob's  mood swings will get worse , I know . But I will be there for him , I saw
 His Grandmother go into Early Alzheimer disease .     It was not pretty  :'(

   OK , I got off tract !   

   Joe's advice is right on !    I'll add if there is any bit of your relation ship that is good   stay and work on it .  I know the 24/7   works your nerves .  It took me a
 while after Bob retired to get used to him never leaving the house .

                                     Wishing you well ,

                                                                     Carl
" Live and let Live "

 


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