Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
August 21, 2014, 02:19:13 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 635405
  • Total Topics: 48197
  • Online Today: 181
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 7
Guests: 109
Total: 116

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Anyone else feel dead inside?  (Read 2189 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Anyone else feel dead inside?
« on: June 26, 2013, 09:48:15 PM »
 Sorry if I sound dramatic but I really don't like my life. I tested positive in 92 when I was 20 years old. I lived my life expecting to be dead by now. Now im stuck here. People are not exactly lining up around the block to date or be friends with a bipolar poor man living on disability. If I live another 20-40 years I have poverty, old age and loneliness to look forward to. Not exactly a party. I've spent the last 20 years travelling and having fun so I have a lot of great memories. Just not much of a future ahead.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,903
Re: Anyone else feel dead inside?
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2013, 05:40:43 AM »
Philly, I wish I could fill you with hope.  Have you ever thought about volunteering at an agency you favor?  I hope that doesn't sound trite, but I found a few years ago that volunteering somewhere, and helping other people, seemed to life my spirits.  It gives one a sense of accomplishment. 

I've enjoyed reading your posts here, so there's something.  Please continue to post.  We care!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Anyone else feel dead inside?
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2013, 01:13:00 PM »
I think we have all been thru this or are going thru this.  I remember everyone running out and charging max on credit cards since they wouldnt be around to have to pay up.   Well, some of us have had to pay up and grow up too. So, I guess this applies to you.  Grow up,  take responsibility for yourself and your situation.  Then change it.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Re: Anyone else feel dead inside?
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2013, 10:04:10 PM »
Philly, I wish I could fill you with hope.  Have you ever thought about volunteering at an agency you favor?  I hope that doesn't sound trite, but I found a few years ago that volunteering somewhere, and helping other people, seemed to life my spirits.  It gives one a sense of accomplishment. 

I've enjoyed reading your posts here, so there's something.  Please continue to post.  We care!
[/qu
Until two years ago I volunteered for Aids organizations in the Philadelphia area. Both of my parents became very ill so I have a full time job looking after them. Having no time to myself is starting to catch up to me.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,903
Re: Anyone else feel dead inside?
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2013, 08:36:27 AM »
Philly, I forgot about your parents, sorry.  And I do understand that.  In my parent's last days I took care of them, with my oldest sister.  One thing you can take comfort in is the fact of how much you're appreciated by your parents, whether or not they tell you, and what an important job that is.  And it shows how selfless you are.  Some kids would shove their parents in a nursing home and never visit (I've seen this first-hand).  And I'm not downing children who have to put their parents in a long term care facility because they simply cannot take on that responsibility (so if anyone reading this has had to do that, I'm not downing you). 

Whether or not you realize it, you're very valuable.  As I said, I've enjoyed reading your posts.  If you need to vent about the care of your parents, please vent away.  It can be very demanding.  But don't question your value.  And please continue to post!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Re: Anyone else feel dead inside?
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2013, 07:40:57 PM »
M parents getting sick has made me realize just how alone im going to be when they die. I have God in my life which helps but have trouble making friends. The friends I do have are not very supportive. I am very anxious. It causes me a lot of pain seeing my parents suddenly so sick and weak.

Offline atxpozguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 63
  • POZ+ 30 year milestone reached for Austin man
    • It's Your Vehicle & Money
Re: Anyone else feel dead inside?
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2013, 08:32:30 PM »
I feel the same way phillypinko does, dad dying this past February, mom died in 2009.  I am just tired of all the medical issues I experienced over the past 9 months. Myself testing poz back in early 1983 has taken it's toll on my daily activities. I ready to go home to be with my deceased family members as time is running out.   :(
30 years poz with no expiration date

atxlovingqueer@gay.com
atxniceguy@gmail.com

Diagnosed HIV 1983
Diagnosed AIDS 2001

As of Jan 17, 2012: VL <20k CD4 183  28.5%

Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Re: Anyone else feel dead inside?
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2013, 01:52:34 AM »
I feel the same way phillypinko does, dad dying this past February, mom died in 2009.  I am just tired of all the medical issues I experienced over the past 9 months. Myself testing poz back in early 1983 has taken it's toll on my daily activities. I ready to go home to be with my deceased family members as time is running out.   :(
I agree with you. I don't know how these people go on. Im completely rejected everywhere I go by just about everyone I meet. My friends are stereotypical rich malicious gay men. They take sadistic pleasure in other peoples suffering. They sit and laugh and gossip about people losing their homes. Im ashamed to be their friends but can't make new ones. For the reasons I've mentioned a hundred times before no one want s to get to a know a poor 41 year old hiv positive bipolar poor man living in subsidized housing.This is what I have left after my parents are gone. Absolutely NOTHING. The gay life is so horrible I see it as a curse.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,903
Re: Anyone else feel dead inside?
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2013, 06:45:50 AM »
A lot of my clients are poor (on disability) and living in subsidized housing.  Do they not have an ASO in your city, that maybe has a support group, where you could meet others in your situation? 

Instead of thinking about how lost you'll be after your parents pass, maybe you shouldn't project.  I know that's difficult and easier said than done, but I find when I project too much, I end up depressed.   Maybe you could try just concentrating on helping your parents, and remember how fortunate you are to have them.  I know when I miss my parents (and I do, trust me), I think about how fortunate I am to have had such wonderful people in my life. 

Not trying to minimize, just trying to get you to look at it a bit differently.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.