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Author Topic: How Do You Know It's Over  (Read 1032 times)

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Offline SweetSassafras

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  • Tangerine! Don't touch that!
How Do You Know It's Over
« on: June 20, 2013, 06:27:32 PM »
So, I've been married 6 years... he's maybe been faithful 2 years out of the 7 we've been together. That is how I came to be positive.

I loved him so so very much. I thought if I loved him enough, he'd realize his worth and love himself enough to stop his self destructive behavior. I may really be giving him too much credit because I don't think he really thinks anything through or has a conscience.

He's been reaching out to other women again... and though I have confirmation that nothing actually happened, I'm just at my wits end.

I'm so scared to start over... no medical, no nothing... and two kids. What a fine mess this is.

Offline mitch777

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  • wish i were here
Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2013, 08:19:01 PM »
wish I could give you some sage advice. (ugh, feeling old here without being much help)
I guess just look out for yourself and keep your own standards whatever they are in regards to expectations of a relationship.
sounds like you are trying more than he at this point.
it's really up to you as far as how far you are willing to go down this road.
I hope he comes around, but again, only you know him well enough to make decisions for your future.
wishing you the best. :)
m.
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline Jmarksto

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Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2013, 08:19:46 PM »
Hey SweetSassafras.

I wish I had answers....my reaction reading this is to reach out to give you a hug,


jm
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2013, 08:33:54 PM »
So, I've been married 6 years... he's maybe been faithful 2 years out of the 7 we've been together. That is how I came to be positive.

I loved him so so very much. I thought if I loved him enough, he'd realize his worth and love himself enough to stop his self destructive behavior. I may really be giving him too much credit because I don't think he really thinks anything through or has a conscience.

He's been reaching out to other women again... and though I have confirmation that nothing actually happened, I'm just at my wits end.

I'm so scared to start over... no medical, no nothing... and two kids. What a fine mess this is.

This is the "planning" part. Regardless of the outcome, plan for a future without him. Sock money away, make inquiries about employment, insurance, or going through an ASO. Talk to a woman's shelter that accepts kids.

I am so sorry this is happening, but the onus is on you to provide for those kids and yourself.
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Joe K

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Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2013, 09:36:06 PM »
Hello Sweet,

I just left a 14-year relationship, so I can empathize with your issue.  This is just a guess, but something tells me you already know you have to leave him, otherwise you would not be posting asking others what you need to do.  I am not judging you at all, on the contrary, I support your desire to make as rational a decision as possible, especially because you have young children.

For me, I need a partner who views me as worthy and equal and someone who cheats, displays neither quality.  The fact that his infidelity gave you both HIV, would be a deal breaker for me, and I suspect you have reached this point as well.  An old saying asks: "Are you better with him, or without him?"  I believe you have begun the journey to answer that question and while you do, please make plans so that you can act on your decision when the time comes.

If there is anything I can do to help, please feel free to PM me any time.

Joe

Offline SweetSassafras

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  • Tangerine! Don't touch that!
Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2013, 10:00:18 PM »
Thanks all, for your responses. Yes, I am definitely in the planning phase though he's still making feeble attempts. He came home with roses a bit ago and I wanted to shove them down his throat.

I hate that I am in this spot and I hate that because of him I'll never know what it's like to be really loved the way I could have. I hate him for everything he took from me. I hate that he wouldn't leave me alone even when I tried to get away from him. I hate this house. I hate this city.

It's strange because I know he loves me as much as he can -- as you can see, it's not very much and definitely not enough.

Am I better with him or without him? Doesn't really matter anymore. I feel like nothing at all.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2013, 10:33:35 PM »
Please don't think you will never be loved as much as you deserve. Having HIV will not make that love impossible. You might have to swim a little harder for it, but it's there.

More than anything, you have to think of your kids. They are watching you guys and making a blueprint of what constitutes love. Please don't let that blueprint be that of loss, regret, resentment and anger.



"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2013, 10:41:39 PM »
There is a better place for sassafras , whether you stay or go your on your way to feeling better even if it hurts right now . Your taking back the power to control your own life and emotional well being , its a huge step .

Work it out or go but because you are taking control things are going to change and you will get the respect you are due even if its self respect .

When I walked out on my ex I had no job and was very sick with only enough money for a few months , it was the scariest thing I ever did as well as the most painful but I knew it was the right thing to do and that I had to get somewhere to find my own before he took the only thing I had left , and what was left was a glimmer of hope that I could be happy again .

HUGS .

Offline BT65

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Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2013, 05:07:42 AM »
Hi Sassafras,

I read this last night but hesitated in responding.  From reading your last post it seems you've already made your mind up.  One thing I would suggest is not to go back and forth.  What I mean is, don't leave, then go back, then leave etc.   This leads to major confusion feeling wise, both for you and for your kids.  If you're going to leave, then do it and don't look back.

I would strongly suggest you contact your nearest ASO to find out about getting medical care, and see if they have a housing program.  I work for an ASO and we have emergency funding for people facing homelessness (paying the deposit and couple month's rent). 

Also check into some therapy.  For you and your kids.  The fact that you've been involved with this guy for a while, and feel "numb," would indicate therapy would help in dealing with feelings that you already have and feelings that will certainly surface.  There are county mental health agencies that see people without insurance and no income. 

Good luck with this.  We're here.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline britchick

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Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2013, 11:34:24 AM »
Hi SweetSassafras

I know that its so difficult right now...but you have done the right thing for you and your kids.

I promise you that it gets better and that in time you will be glad you did this.This is your and your kids time now.

I was madly in love too and went through years of abuse and pain....lies , HIV then AIDS, (Mine was unknown and untreated )debt ,and it saps you of all your strength.Well you are  gathering strength now  and in the future you will be happier, healthier and have much to look forward to.

This forum is always here.Its been a great comfort for me,and given me the confidence to get over the crappy times.

britchickx

Offline SweetSassafras

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  • Tangerine! Don't touch that!
Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #10 on: June 21, 2013, 01:37:42 PM »
Not that this changes my desire to leave, but I just spoke with his childhood friend. I've always known he had some kind of deep-seated issue he'd blocked out, but I didn't know what. His parents were a little too free lovin, and apparently allowed sex play among the kids -- when one would complain, their parents would say it's just the penis-vagina game. Now all of them are kinda wired wrong.

He MUST get help. He was taught from an early age that it is okay to victimize and use women.
« Last Edit: June 21, 2013, 01:40:25 PM by SweetSassafras »

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: How Do You Know It's Over
« Reply #11 on: June 21, 2013, 06:04:55 PM »


  Not to belittle his personal issues, but I was exposed to the penis vagina game at the tender age of six and I'm still faithful to my wife and give her the respect and love she deserves.  No doubt, marriage can be tough at times, but the lack of respect and attention he gives you is troubling.

  Please remember, his actions are no fault of yours.  I know this is a tough situation you're in and my heart goes out to you.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

 


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