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Author Topic: How to Not Disappear Completely  (Read 2113 times)

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Offline oksikoko

  • Member
  • Posts: 680
  • Writing the congressman again
How to Not Disappear Completely
« on: June 16, 2013, 11:50:01 PM »
What do you do when everything is pointless and empty? I mean, in practical terms, what activities do you do? Does it change anything?
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (?) off treatment ☣ CD4 (?) off treatment
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

If no one complains, nothing will ever change.

Offline oksikoko

  • Member
  • Posts: 680
  • Writing the congressman again
Re: How to Not Disappear Completely
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2013, 12:01:46 AM »
Sorry. Just had a thing there for a minute. Probably still a good question to have answered for reference purposes, but all is well.

Lee
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (?) off treatment ☣ CD4 (?) off treatment
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

If no one complains, nothing will ever change.

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: How to Not Disappear Completely
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2013, 01:13:53 AM »
I can only say that, for myself, when I feel that way, it means I am thinking too much about my needs and not trying hard enough to help others. When I live without thought to/for my friends, family, and community too long I start feeling that my life has no meaning. It takes shockingly little work outside my own sphere to change that.

Helping out here on AidsMeds, being a mentor offline, making dinner for my friends, volunteering a little time at the ferret rescue, and suddenly I feel like I do matter. Not "save the world" matter, of course.

I am capable of giving someone a relief from worry, hurt or pain - and maybe even make someone's day a little better, or even something so esoteric as adding to the positive paradigm in our society through advocacy and utilizing my skills, then that's validation enough.

Whenever I get mird in the notion that "I don't matter," I force myself to ask "why am I not mattering right now?" There's almost always something to do.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,726
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: How to Not Disappear Completely
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2013, 02:10:12 AM »
I guess I rejected this many times, intellectually, when I was pretty young and studying the misc. philosophies and critical theories that showed how things were either deeply "relative", or impossibly open to multiple interpretations, or the old existential questions....  Are you talking about "feeling" the pointlessness, more than "thinking" it?
All i got are the basics, 1) survival and then some (but why? because... its less painful than miserable decline and fall?)  2) creative pursuits.  3) pleasures. 4) helping others.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline oksikoko

  • Member
  • Posts: 680
  • Writing the congressman again
Re: How to Not Disappear Completely
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2013, 05:48:46 PM »
When I live without thought to/for my friends, family, and community too long I start feeling that my life has no meaning. It takes shockingly little work outside my own sphere to change that.

This is true. I used to play patron saint of drug adherence, helped a few people get back on treatment after lapsing. I'm fresh out of victims, fortunately. ;) If you've ever talked to me on here, you may remember I don't have friends or family per se, so it can be tough finding someone willing to be helped, especially helped by someone like me.

But you're right, nonetheless. I'll look around so there will be something to preempt it next time.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (?) off treatment ☣ CD4 (?) off treatment
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

If no one complains, nothing will ever change.

Offline Hellraiser

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,136
  • Semi-misanthropic
Re: How to Not Disappear Completely
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2013, 06:23:22 PM »
Mecch hit on it already, but what you're feelings are kind of the pangs of Nihilism and Existentialism.  What is your purpose in life?  That's honestly for you to decide.

Maybe the purpose of your life is to enrich the lives of others, or to enjoy fly fishing.  That very question is why so many people are religious, then you don't need to find your own purpose you have one given to you.

Read up on Exisitentialism and Nihilism its very interesting stuff.

Offline oksikoko

  • Member
  • Posts: 680
  • Writing the congressman again
Re: How to Not Disappear Completely
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2013, 06:25:47 PM »
Read up on Exisitentialism and Nihilism its very interesting stuff.

Boy, have I ever.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (?) off treatment ☣ CD4 (?) off treatment
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

If no one complains, nothing will ever change.

Offline mitch777

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,542
Re: How to Not Disappear Completely
« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2013, 08:24:30 PM »
Lee,
I have followed your posts from the beginning and all I have to say is that you don't give yourself enough credit for the person you are.
Maybe you need to give yourself a bit more latitude.
(coming from me, i'm not sure if it helps)
m.
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline oksikoko

  • Member
  • Posts: 680
  • Writing the congressman again
Re: How to Not Disappear Completely
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2013, 12:18:45 AM »
Lee,
I have followed your posts from the beginning and all I have to say is that you don't give yourself enough credit for the person you are.
Maybe you need to give yourself a bit more latitude.
(coming from me, i'm not sure if it helps)
m.

Well, that's very kind of you to say. I was just in a funk yesterday, I guess, and someone needs to up the dosage. Or lower it. I'm not sure how that works. ;)

I thought I had a grand unified solution to almost all of my problems. I'm lucky to only have 2 or 3 issues with life. They're just kind of biggish. Then the whole plan sort of fizzled away overnight because of something I did months ago and have no control over now. I guess that little bit of hope was hard to let go of, so I felt pretty crappy for a minute. But at least there was hope of some kind, which not too long ago I wouldn't have thought was possible. So. The funk passed. Also I'm highly medicated, so it's damn near impossible to focus on anything long enough to obsess because hey look at the wallpaper neat. If you know what I mean.

So, it's back to the drawing board and other cliches that mean something similar.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (?) off treatment ☣ CD4 (?) off treatment
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

If no one complains, nothing will ever change.

 


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