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Author Topic: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?  (Read 2335 times)

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Offline Souledout

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  • Posts: 145
First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« on: June 10, 2013, 02:51:46 PM »
Found out the other day that every one if my boyfriend's friends who know I'm positive have told him he should break up with me because of the HIV. Ouch. Now, he's not taken their advice but still that knowledge is really upsetting, im not used to being the bad guy, especially when its something i can't change. i know they're just concerned for his well being and I understand that. It's going to be weird facing them and smiling and making small talk with the thought that they've all said I'm too much of a risk for their friend to be seeing.

Or am I just being a whining idiot who should man up a bit? Maybe I'm just a bit low and am focussing on this as an easy outlet for my troubles.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline mecch

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Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2013, 03:04:23 PM »
IMO you have every right to feel bummed out by this gossip.  Its not whining and you're not an idiot! 

Hmm. Speaking of ignorance...  On the one hand they are human and yes are concerned for your bf.  On the other hand they are ignorant and don't know the facts about HIV transmission, risk, and the many happy sero-discordant couples in the world.

Why are you obliged to smile and make small talk. If you're together socially with people who do know that your couple is magnetic, you can talk about it, if you feel so inclined, when you feel the time and place is right.

Also, what did your bf say to you about these comments from his friends?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2013, 03:05:00 PM »
No offense, but it sounds like your circle of friends are a bit... well -- not sure how to say it nicely. I can't imagine this ever happening back when I was diagnosed. Have times changed that much or is it a factor of geography?
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Jeff G

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Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2013, 03:05:56 PM »
That is uncomfortable for you I bet . maybe they are jealous somebody has the attention of their friend .


Offline Joe K

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Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2013, 03:14:24 PM »
Found out the other day that every one if my boyfriend's friends who know I'm positive have told him he should break up with me because of the HIV. Ouch. Now, he's not taken their advice but still that knowledge is really upsetting, im not used to being the bad guy, especially when its something i can't change. i know they're just concerned for his well being and I understand that. It's going to be weird facing them and smiling and making small talk with the thought that they've all said I'm too much of a risk for their friend to be seeing.

Or am I just being a whining idiot who should man up a bit? Maybe I'm just a bit low and am focussing on this as an easy outlet for my troubles.

Hey Soul,

You will forever be at the mercy of others, until you decide on how you will define yourself.  When you say that you are the "bad guy", that tells me that you may believe this about yourself.  If I've learned anything about living with HIV, it's that you cannot let others define you.  I'm with Miss P. about some of your friends and I'm curious if your BF said anything to them about their comments.  The idea that this is solely your issue is not fair, to either of you and you are either going to present a common attitude towards this kind of thing or it will keep happening.

I believe you should be honest with your friends, about how their comments have hurt you and maybe, us it as an opportunity to clear the air about any issues.  At some point, your friends are either going to accept your ability to have an adult relationship of your choosing, or not.  If not... then time for new friends.

Joe

Offline Rev. Moon

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Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2013, 03:20:13 PM »
No offense, but it sounds like your circle of friends are a bit... well -- not sure how to say it nicely.

Shady? 

Perhaps it's a fairly young crowd.  Definitely not very educated about HIV or compassionate --especially towards a friend (with frenz like that I guess I will keep my enemies).

Souledout, it's all part of the process.  As long as your partner is not being influenced by those bitchy queens you'll be alright.  I would suggest however, if you still value those acquaintances, that you address the issue. They may need to be given a good read (and they need to get their education when it comes to HIV and sero-discordant couples).
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline buginme2

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Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2013, 03:30:05 PM »
It's going to be weird facing them and smiling and making small talk with the thought that they've all said I'm too much of a risk for their friend to be seeing.


That sentence sounds like you are accepting their criticism.  That doesn't sound like someone who stands up for themselves and calls out bullshit when they see it.

If anyone told my negative partner that he should break up with me because I am positive I have no doubt in my mind that person would have walked away from that conversation with a black eye. 

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2013, 03:33:23 PM »
VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!

Best regards,

Resident Thief
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2013, 03:39:53 PM »
There is room for a graceful comeback, read, reply, HIV lesson, snub, whatever, to louts, ignoramuses and their boorishness. 
Seeing as so MANY people are naive, or ignorant, or dumb, but not necessarily mean bitches.
When I was HIV- in sero-discordant relationships, I got my share of this "dump him" commentary.  From people who just didn't know better.

Catty people are all too willing to advise their friends to dumb anyone in any category they consider frightening or "not our kind."
« Last Edit: June 10, 2013, 03:43:07 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2013, 03:41:19 PM »
VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!

Best regards,

Resident Thief

What I was thinking....
Well sometimes a bitch slap is the answer...
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2013, 03:50:31 PM »
Like another poster stated, I'd be much more upset with my partner not speaking up to this group of *cough* "friends" and defending your joint decision to remain together, much less educate them on the mechanics of safety in such a coupling.

Yes, the more I consider this I'd not just be upset with my partner I would be livid. It's simply unacceptable and contrary to the concept of being someone's partner.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline anniebc

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  • Posts: 5,937
  • AM member since 2003
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2013, 05:04:59 PM »
I have to agree with the Resident Thief, if anyone had said that to my husband (who is negative)you need to divorse her he would have pulled a few heads off.

He needs to stand up for you, and you need to stop feeling bad about yourself, you have nothng to be ashamed of.

Aroha
Jan
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Souledout

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Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2013, 05:54:45 PM »
Thank you for the replies everyone, you took the time to do it so I'll answer them below.

This may take some time!
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline Souledout

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  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2013, 05:59:12 PM »
IMO you have every right to feel bummed out by this gossip.  Its not whining and you're not an idiot! 

Hmm. Speaking of ignorance...  On the one hand they are human and yes are concerned for your bf.  On the other hand they are ignorant and don't know the facts about HIV transmission, risk, and the many happy sero-discordant couples in the world.

Why are you obliged to smile and make small talk. If you're together socially with people who do know that your couple is magnetic, you can talk about it, if you feel so inclined, when you feel the time and place is right.

Also, what did your bf say to you about these comments from his friends?

I went down the lines with him that he should be educating them about transmission and risk, same thoughts as you. I'm not entirely sure what he said in reply, we were having an in depth convo about his issues and didn't want to hijack the conversation so it was all about me (again).

These people are ones he's spoken to in his circle of friends. They're not the type of people I'd have any type of serious conversation about and I'm quite a private person so wouldn't ever really talk to them about HIV. But I will see them, and don't want to cause issues and arguments.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2013, 06:01:38 PM »
No offense, but it sounds like your circle of friends are a bit... well -- not sure how to say it nicely. I can't imagine this ever happening back when I was diagnosed. Have times changed that much or is it a factor of geography?

These are most definitely NOT my friends. Mine are amazing and truly awesome, I'm blessed to have such a brilliant support network of people who are caring, understanding and loads of fun. What makes this weird is that one of the guys who said this lost him mum to AIDS in Africa, you'd think he'd know better.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #15 on: June 10, 2013, 06:02:37 PM »
That is uncomfortable for you I bet . maybe they are jealous somebody has the attention of their friend .

Ha! I'd not thought of that, they do have issues with me monopolising him.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #16 on: June 10, 2013, 06:06:33 PM »
Hey Soul,

You will forever be at the mercy of others, until you decide on how you will define yourself.  When you say that you are the "bad guy", that tells me that you may believe this about yourself.  If I've learned anything about living with HIV, it's that you cannot let others define you.  I'm with Miss P. about some of your friends and I'm curious if your BF said anything to them about their comments.  The idea that this is solely your issue is not fair, to either of you and you are either going to present a common attitude towards this kind of thing or it will keep happening.

I believe you should be honest with your friends, about how their comments have hurt you and maybe, us it as an opportunity to clear the air about any issues.  At some point, your friends are either going to accept your ability to have an adult relationship of your choosing, or not.  If not... then time for new friends.

Joe

Just a poor choice of words, nothing to do with the view of myself. I've dropped all that baggage some time ago. Maybe I chose bad guy because in a relationship where one person is being counselled to make the split, it's usually because the other is a "bad guy" for whatever reason.

I'm with you on the presenting a united front, he should be my advocate rather than sitting idly by and letting this type of chat go on.

I'm going to ask what he said to them for sure.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #17 on: June 10, 2013, 06:11:46 PM »
Shady? 

Perhaps it's a fairly young crowd.  Definitely not very educated about HIV or compassionate --especially towards a friend (with frenz like that I guess I will keep my enemies).

Souledout, it's all part of the process.  As long as your partner is not being influenced by those bitchy queens you'll be alright.  I would suggest however, if you still value those acquaintances, that you address the issue. They may need to be given a good read (and they need to get their education when it comes to HIV and sero-discordant couples).

Shady - agreed.

They're not young, but on the whole they're straight and are ignorant of HIV. For some reason he's not the most clued up about it still, I think I need him to put a bit more effort into reading around the subject. One of them said, "as long as you're prepared for when you get it". Not, "if you get it," like it was definitely going to happen - and I know that that's stuck in his head.

He's not being influenced by them I don't think, maybe for a bit but not in the long term. To be honest, most of them I can give or take but I'll see them for him.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #18 on: June 10, 2013, 06:14:11 PM »
That sentence sounds like you are accepting their criticism.  That doesn't sound like someone who stands up for themselves and calls out bullshit when they see it.

If anyone told my negative partner that he should break up with me because I am positive I have no doubt in my mind that person would have walked away from that conversation with a black eye.

Oh I'm not, but I'm not the type to lose it and make a scene. I'll work on it over the next few weeks and make sure that it gets through to them, hence asking advice on here.

And I'm a right skinny runt, they'd all kick my ass.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #19 on: June 10, 2013, 06:18:04 PM »
There is room for a graceful comeback, read, reply, HIV lesson, snub, whatever, to louts, ignoramuses and their boorishness. 
Seeing as so MANY people are naive, or ignorant, or dumb, but not necessarily mean bitches.
When I was HIV- in sero-discordant relationships, I got my share of this "dump him" commentary.  From people who just didn't know better.

Catty people are all too willing to advise their friends to dumb anyone in any category they consider frightening or "not our kind."

I agree with this - shock I agree with mecch ;) Graceful comeback and then chance to educate a bit is the way forward.

His friend have a track record of giving absolutely lousy advice, they're fucking awful at it. If people come to me for advice I pretty much just let them talk and then echo what they say back to them - most of the time they just want the chance to share and to be told that what they already know they're going to do is a good choice.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #20 on: June 10, 2013, 06:18:15 PM »
I had an identical thing happen to me and the guy I was seeing, in 1996. This was 1996, when ARVs were just rolling out and the death toll was in the process of plummeting - but the side effects of the drugs were beyond horrific. And the stigma was far worse than it is now.

In retrospect, the guy' friends who tried to pressure him into dumping me were not the brightest bulbs, but I was really sad nonetheless to hear about it. I always wondered why he told me, and did not confront them. It seemed like an unnecessarily cruel thing to do, as it poisoned any hope of real friendship with these people, made me feel dirty, and created a paradigm where I felt like he was doing me a favor by staying with me.

It took me years to realize that this was all intentional, and that keeping me feeling like shit served his purposes. I stayed there far longer than I should have, andthose are years of my life I won't get back.

You really need to ask yourself (and him) why he thought it necessary to tell you, especially if he is planning on keeping those friends. And you need to ask yourself (and him) what, exactly, he said to them in return. Since the cat is out of the bag, it wouldn't be remiss of you to clear the air with these people, if you intend to stick around.

What you describe seems fairly toxic, as well as eerily familiar.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #21 on: June 10, 2013, 06:23:02 PM »
Like another poster stated, I'd be much more upset with my partner not speaking up to this group of *cough* "friends" and defending your joint decision to remain together, much less educate them on the mechanics of safety in such a coupling.

Yes, the more I consider this I'd not just be upset with my partner I would be livid. It's simply unacceptable and contrary to the concept of being someone's partner.

There are more conversations to be had. Unlike him I'm a bit more restrained about these things and take time to mull things over. I'm going to find out about what's been said properly and see where that leads us, he's still with me so he's obviously not listened to them too much.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #22 on: June 10, 2013, 06:23:48 PM »
I have to agree with the Resident Thief, if anyone had said that to my husband (who is negative)you need to divorse her he would have pulled a few heads off.

He needs to stand up for you, and you need to stop feeling bad about yourself, you have nothng to be ashamed of.

Aroha
Jan

Just...thanks.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #23 on: June 10, 2013, 06:32:57 PM »
I had an identical thing happen to me and the guy I was seeing, in 1996. This was 1996, when ARVs were just rolling out and the death toll was in the process of plummeting - but the side effects of the drugs were beyond horrific. And the stigma was far worse than it is now.

In retrospect, the guy' friends who tried to pressure him into dumping me were not the brightest bulbs, but I was really sad nonetheless to hear about it. I always wondered why he told me, and did not confront them. It seemed like an unnecessarily cruel thing to do, as it poisoned any hope of real friendship with these people, made me feel dirty, and created a paradigm where I felt like he was doing me a favor by staying with me.

It took me years to realize that this was all intentional, and that keeping me feeling like shit served his purposes. I stayed there far longer than I should have, andthose are years of my life I won't get back.

You really need to ask yourself (and him) why he thought it necessary to tell you, especially if he is planning on keeping those friends. And you need to ask yourself (and him) what, exactly, he said to them in return. Since the cat is out of the bag, it wouldn't be remiss of you to clear the air with these people, if you intend to stick around.

What you describe seems fairly toxic, as well as eerily familiar.

Ouch, this doesn't sound fun. Sorry you had to go through that.

I can absolutely rule out him doing it intentionally, he's not that calculating and I don't think he could pull off such an act. Unless it's a double bluff and he's actually an evil genius.

I feel like I do need to have it out with people after reading these replies. I hate any type of confrontation and am not looking forward to it. I'm not used to faling out with people - my friends are simply brilliant and we don't have a bad word to say about each other.

His mindset was changed a bit last week by the HIV nurse saying that if she was a negative gay man she should be actively looking for guys with very low viral loads or undetectable as weirdly we're the least likely to transmit the virus. Also she changed his idea about PEP - he's on it now and sees it as a real chore and a proper ordeal, she was blasé about taking it and said she's on it a few times a year at least.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #24 on: June 10, 2013, 06:36:39 PM »
That's a whole lot of replying. Thanks people, it's good to have a few more thoughts on it rather than just my own ones bouncing around my head.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline oksikoko

  • Member
  • Posts: 680
  • Writing the congressman again
    • the treatment cascade
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #25 on: June 10, 2013, 09:11:33 PM »
...im not used to being the bad guy...

It's going to be weird facing them and smiling and making small talk with the thought that they've all said I'm too much of a risk for their friend to be seeing.

Hopefully you know this, but it bears repeating that you're not the bad guy.

I would have to take that person aside and have a conversation. S/he needs some education in HIV transmission, common decency or both. I personally wouldn't pretend I didn't know what had been said, but don't take friendship advice from me. My X-men power is to alienate people and make them uncomfortable at parties, brunches and soirees of all types. :D
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #26 on: June 11, 2013, 03:07:44 AM »
Don't worry, I know I'm not ur bad guy, just a poor choice of words yesterday. I'm actually fucking awesome. I'll report back on how things have gone.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 11,244
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #27 on: June 11, 2013, 03:37:38 AM »
IMO, what you just said complicates the matter, Souledout.

Your bf is on PEP?  or Prep?

PEP is post-exposure, after a suspect risk. For one month.
Prep is taking the drugs everyday indefinately to prevent an HIV infection

First of all, when did he go on it?  Which one, of the above?

Is he really worried about getting HIV from you?  PREP is pretty new. When I was in sero-discordant relationships, it didn't exist.

So in fact, that had its advantages. We had safe sex and I didn't worry about getting HIV. All those years I never felt like i had a risk and never had to go get PEP, which did exist when I was in my second magnetic relationship.  But so did condoms and knowledge.   

Other people worried for me, but as I said, my personal opinion is that a lot of people are ignorant and a LOT of people would NEVER do half the things I have done in life, or frequented people I have enjoyed.

Listen, of course you don't have to answer my intrusive questions.  But why did he go in PEP?  You had an accident recently?

Also, that nurse sounds like a flake...  Was that a typo?? The NURSE is on PEP a few times a year??? Huh?

Can we take a moment to establish we are talking about the same thing.

If his friends know he is on PEP and or PREP, then there is probably a heightened fear and probably a need for some education. 

Though this may not be YOUR responsibility, at all...

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #28 on: June 11, 2013, 03:14:53 PM »
Ha! you dint have to edicate me on PEP/PrEP difference, ive done my homework ;) He's on PEP after a condom break, we always play safe. . But these people had mostly had their say well beforehand. He's a few days from finishin the 28 day course.

The nurse is the exact opposite of a flake, she's straight talking and pretty damn good. She, and all the nurses, go on PEP due to needle sticks (maybe she's just clumsy) but doesn't worry about getting HIV because of it. She hammered home the point that PEP is actually a good thing, a pro-active approach to protect yourself which is very effective - they would surely be more worried if I hadn't had insisted on him going on it when he didn't want to.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,244
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: First experience of stigma. Thoughts?
« Reply #29 on: June 11, 2013, 09:29:02 PM »
I agree its great that PEP is available.
And I'm sure PREP is the right thing for certain people.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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