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Author Topic: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation  (Read 3405 times)

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Offline Joe K

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Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« on: June 05, 2013, 03:23:49 PM »
Dear Forum Family,

It is with very mixed feelings that, after 14 years, Stephen and I have separated.  He moved out last Friday and I find myself in unfamiliar landscape.  We lived together for the last three months, even though I had made the decision to leave the marriage.  It takes time to dismantle a union and the waiting was almost unbearable.  I was sad to see him go, yet so relieved that he is gone.

I don't know what the future will hold and I plan to be much more active here, because right now, I need you folks more than ever.  I'm not sure exactly what it is that I need right now, but just sharing this, with people I know and care deeply about seems the only route to maintaining my sanity.

Joe

Offline mecch

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2013, 04:06:16 PM »
Oh crap. Sorry to hear that.  :-[ You described it perfectly - mixed feelings. 14 years is a good long run so bravo for that.  I hope you don't suffer long, or too deeply. Keep your eyes on the silver lining and the horizon.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RAB

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2013, 04:51:12 PM »
Joe

I am saddened to hear about this. 

I'm in your corner and if there is anything I can do just give a holler.

Be strong my friend.

RAB

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2013, 05:06:42 PM »
My thoughts are with you Joe .

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2013, 05:20:23 PM »
So sorry to hear this Joe.

Offline bmancanfly

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2013, 05:31:31 PM »
Sorry to hear this.   Separations are never easy.  In time we realize that it's often for the best.   Hope you find peace soon.
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."

 Bertrand Russell

Offline tednlou2

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2013, 05:39:36 PM »
All the best, as you begin this different path.

Offline OneTampa

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2013, 05:48:25 PM »
Joe,

I am so sorry to read this.  Wishing both of you the best as you chart new courses.

Take care.
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2013, 06:48:20 PM »
Joe,

I'm so sorry to hear this.  I hope that the path ahead of you leads you to a place where you want to be, and where you'll be happy.

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Jody

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2013, 08:28:12 PM »
Dear Joe, I am so sorry to hear that you and Stephen have separated.  You are both very nice, bright men and I wish you both all the best.  You have lived with Stephen in both Florida, where I saw you during a visit and then Canada for a few years now and it must be tough.  It's always good to have you posting here more often Joe as you have much to offer and always write from your heart.  Hugs.

Jody
"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline Basquo

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2013, 08:48:59 PM »
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, Joe. It's not an easy thing to do or an easy decision to make but at least you did. And you will get through it. You have a lot of people here who care.
Hugs,
Creighton

Offline WillyWump

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #11 on: June 05, 2013, 09:18:21 PM »
Wishing you the best in this tough time Joe.

We are all here for you, as always.

-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
11-6-14 CD4- 871, UD
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline weasel

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #12 on: June 05, 2013, 10:25:21 PM »

   I'm sorry to hear that Joe , 14 years is a long time to call it quits  :(
   Wishing you both happiness in the future .

                                                            Carl 

                             
" Live and let Live "

Offline anniebc

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #13 on: June 05, 2013, 11:02:44 PM »
Sending you hugs Joe.

I'm so sorry to hear this, you were always there for me in the very beginning, you held my head above water and held my hand for so long, now it's my turn to be there for you, I love you.

I know that this must have been a very hard decision for you, but I also know you would never have done this if you thought it wasn't the best thing for you.

Aroha and more hugs
Jan :-*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline BT65

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #14 on: June 06, 2013, 06:36:22 AM »
Joe, I'm so sorry.  I'm here, pm me if you need to.  Good luck with your new journey, I hope you'll find whatever you need. 

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline bocker3

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #15 on: June 06, 2013, 07:45:09 AM »
Joe,

Sorry to hear this news.  It can not be an easy adjustment -- but you know you can count on me and the rest of your AMG family whenever you need us.

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline mitch777

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #16 on: June 06, 2013, 09:27:09 AM »
Wishing you the best Joe.
Be sure to keep taking good care of yourself.
m.
32 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline Ann

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #17 on: June 06, 2013, 09:42:40 AM »
Oh Joe, I am so, so very sorry to hear about this.

You know I'll always be here for you in whatever capacity you need. You know where my PM box is, use it.

We've all got your back and we care. Remember that and stay strong.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #18 on: June 06, 2013, 12:16:49 PM »
Very sorry to hear about this turn in your life, Joe. Truthfully I shake my head in wonder sometimes at how we get through this. But we do. Somehow. And then sometime later we look back and think, "how did I get through that?"

Having friends who care and listen definitely helps. And for sure you have that here. So one day at a time you are on a new path. Wishing you all the best, Joe.

xo

Andy
« Last Edit: June 06, 2013, 12:19:43 PM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline Joe K

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #19 on: June 06, 2013, 01:42:47 PM »
Thank you all for being here for me.  While this has been a difficult transition, I find that each day it gets just a little easier.  I've spent the last two years seeing an excellent therapist and she has helped and challenged me to face my depression and I have reached a point, where I can actually control what and how I feel.  I've seen the results of this ability, in that my last CD4s were 781, which is my highest count ever.  For the first time, in a very long time, my depression did not contribute to our separation, as much as my simply being unhappy with the direction of our relationship.

To be honest, I became tired of having to justify my feelings and being blamed for things that were simply beyond my control.  Stephen lost his mother two years ago and he has never gotten over that loss.  He became reclusive and spent all his hours on his computers and he seemed to have no problem communicating with all sorts of folks when researching his family tree, but he never seemed to have time for me.

Maybe I should have tried harder, but eventually I decided that his issues were his alone and while I could support his efforts, I could not fix what troubled him and he seemed uninterested in changing.  When my frustration finally erupted, he told me that maybe we should just end it all.  I did not disagree, as I thought that may be our only choice and then he made the choice for me.

He sent me a 9-page email, detailing every foible and failing I had as a human being and husband.  He said mean, hateful things to me and then claimed that he was having a meltdown and that I should ignore what he said, but it was too late.  I asked him how was I supposed to forget his words, to un-experience the horrid emotions that enveloped me, but more important to me was how he could have said these things in the first place.

In the end, we both failed at the marriage, but we had a wonderful run and who knows what the future brings.  He remains a wonderful and caring man, who seems to have lost his way and I hope that somehow he can find his way back to a place of contentment.  I hope that someday, he will understand why I left.  That there are certain boundaries in any relationship that you simply do not cross, especially in a mean and vindictive fashion.  I remain torn between what he actually did and the fact that he actually did it and then acted like it was unimportant.

As for me, I'm doing much better than I thought I would and I think that's due to the fact that I knew in my heart, that what I was doing, was what I needed to do for myself.  I'm unsure on how my journey will continue, but at least I don't have to travel that road alone.

Once again, thank you all.

Joe

Offline Jmarksto

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #20 on: June 06, 2013, 04:10:05 PM »
Joe;  While we haven't had much time to get to know each other here, I have really appreciated your perspective through your comments on other threads. You have always had a healthy perspective to other's situations, and it is good to see the same perspective to your own situation.

I know how difficult divorce can be, even when you know it is the right thing in the long run. 

I do wish you well,
JM
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD
11/03/14 CD4   711/34%   VL UD

Offline Jody

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #21 on: June 06, 2013, 10:17:32 PM »
Dear Joe...Regarding Stephen's lengthy e-mail he obviously has alot of emotions bottled up and the loss of his mother contributed to his feelings no doubt.  Ideally he would have sent a brief e-mail saying thanks for a good run and left it at that, and maybe he will wish he did, but just the same if you can forgive him for that it probably would be therapeutic for you as well.

You've been together so long the separation will no doubt be difficult at first but I hope you will find happiness going forward.  Who knows what tomorrow holds.

Jody
"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline Denver Toad

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #22 on: June 06, 2013, 10:18:31 PM »
You tell a story so familiar to many of us. One moves ahead and finds new light, our loved one remains mired in the past. No matter how deep our love, no matter how genuinely we long to share our journey, it's not to be.

The best advice shared with me on my last breakup was to draw a line in the sand. Draw the line behind my heels, not in front of my toes. A line drawn in front of me is a barrier to be crossed, a line behind me is a journey begun.

Happy trails...

 
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #23 on: June 13, 2013, 11:31:33 PM »
Very sorry to read you and your partner separated. I hope you both move on to find happier situations.

Ford

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #24 on: June 14, 2013, 12:25:19 AM »
Joe, I'm just now reading this thread. So sorry about this turn of events in your life that will bring great changes, but you seem to be dealing with it in a forthright manner.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #25 on: June 14, 2013, 03:19:58 PM »


  Joe,

     I hope where ever this new journey takes you that you find happiness. 
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline buginme2

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #26 on: June 14, 2013, 05:08:10 PM »
 :( wishing you the best
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline heartforyou

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #27 on: April 16, 2014, 03:32:50 AM »
Joe.... I have been away from the Forums for a long time, so i just read this today.

So sorry to ready about your separation. I know what it feels like.

Wish you luck in the future.

love

Hermie

Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline Theyer

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Re: Never A Good Way To Announce My Separation
« Reply #28 on: April 16, 2014, 09:42:38 AM »
Joe,

It is usually a sadness for folk outside off a relationship to hear off its end , especially one off length. Hope you and Stephen grow in ways you both enjoy and benefit from , but appreciate that behind the carefully considered words there is unavoidable pain .

However there is much courage in evidence , and it sounds like you have places and friends to go to if that courage needs to be re found.

All the very very best to you
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

 


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