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Author Topic: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth  (Read 2165 times)

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Offline coreFighter

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Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« on: May 29, 2013, 12:36:27 AM »
Over the long weekend I tried meth for the second time and I'm totally freaked out. I don't know if it's withdrawal, it probably is. But I'm totally freaked & scared. It's not even my drug of choice. I hated the high. I don't want to do it again. I normally run away from it screaming - I avoid all the ads online advertising the play.

I was really lonely over the holiday. All my friends were out of town and I found myself on Grinder. This guy hit me up - who lived two blocks away and of course was ridiculously hot. He had broken syntax and my instincts kicked in. I knew something was wrong. I chose not to listen to them. Asking if he was partying he said, no. I believed him.

Went over. We talked for a bit. Again my instincts told me to get out of there. But I didn't listen. Instead the fact that I haven't had good sex in a few month over takes my rational. He finally confesses that he's been partying and starts justifying everything. Starts saying the stuff isn't strong. It isn't a big deal. I'm a sucker for a cute face and a pretty smile. It's always been my weakness. Always.

I take a hit and four hours later I'm still sucking his cock. I come to my senses and get out of there at 1am. Sleep horribly and use memorial day to recover, watch funny movies, do yoga, eat well and chill.

Today was a crazy busy day. Worked my usual 12 hours. But I'm still very run down. I'm totally paranoid. He had a band-aid on. So now I'm worried he fingered me with that hand and I caught Hep C.

I've had slight fatigue all day. That could be from working 12 hours of course. Also clammy skin, random itching and dry mouth.

I am in therapy. I didn't feel like I could talk about it today. I tried to feel around, about his knowledge of drug use. But I didn't feel like I could open up about this. He's very caring, but I don't think he connects to modern culture because he's so old and been married for such a long time. I thought I could learn a lot about navigating relationships, but haven't. He also told me how much meth destroys people's lives.

Also my doctor has lectured me numerous times on not doing it. Yet for some reason. When I was in that moment and he smiled and was naked and offered. I couldn't say no. I wanted him to like me. I wanted to have sex with me. I wanted to try this experience with him.

Now I'm so upset at myself and totally beating myself up over it. I don't want to do the drug again. It's like - the only good part about it, was him asking. Once we were on it. The sex was horrible, it all felt disjointed and all I could do was listen to his ramblings, couldn't get in a word edgewise.

So I want to know, from the wisdom of the forum. What I can do. To never ever do this drug again. I know never is a strong word. But I want to make sure. I don't go down this road and don't let the loneliness and depression win. For some reason. Random boys have always used drugs to bait me ( coke, pot ) and I've usually said yes. The only times I've said no, was when I had a crazy day.

Offline lincoln6echo

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2013, 01:27:24 AM »
Just my two cents, but if this is your second time, i'm not sure I'd call it, loosing the fight per se.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  That said, meth is not to be trifled with that's for sure.  I've read that for some all it takes is one time to get addicted. 

Unless, you were referring to your penchant for hot guys on grinder ;)

I tried a couple of drugs for the first time a couple months ago over a long weekend as well and although it was a really crazy experience and had some, "fun" on it, I don't want to ever do it again.

It robbed me of a few days of sleep, my sense of self control (which I made a conscious decision to give up when I did the drugs)  I felt super sketchy afterwards, and a measure of self respect. 

If this is an ongoing battle for you, I empathize and hopefully in therapy you are addressing the need to be liked at the cost of your health, self respect and real sense of joy in life. Sounds like low self esteem is some of the root cause. 

Curious though, you say this was your second time but your, "doctor has lectured me numerous times on not doing it". Can you explain?

At the end of the day, you are still in control and can make the choice to make better decisions for yourself.  To say that you don't have that choice is saying you are at the mercy of your circumstances, which really just isn't true. Give yourself some dignity by acknowledging you have a good measure of control over this stuff because you really do.

all the best.
lincoln.

Offline coreFighter

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2013, 01:39:02 AM »
Lincoln,

Thanks so much for the perspective. You're right. I think he just gives the lecture to everyone. I actually haven't told my therapist ad doc about this ....

Offline mecch

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2013, 03:52:28 AM »
So I want to know, from the wisdom of the forum. What I can do. To never ever do this drug again. I know never is a strong word. But I want to make sure. I don't go down this road and don't let the loneliness and depression win. For some reason. Random boys have always used drugs to bait me ( coke, pot ) and I've usually said yes. The only times I've said no, was when I had a crazy day.

I'm with lincoln. You seem to be a bit hard on yourself and quite stressed out. You seem to make odd assumptions, and also to imagine quite negative reasons and conclusions to rather isolated acts.

May I ask if there is a reason you stay with your therapist? Is he the only one available?  Is there a good side to him, as a professional.  If you don't feel iike you can discuss pretty much anything with your therapist - is that the therapists failing, or is that something inside yourself.  One thing you can do, is get a bit meta with your therapist, and start by saying, "I don't feel comfortable talking about certain things with you."   Its possible your therapist can't deal with certain acts or whatnot, but also its possible that you are projecting your own cognitive dissonance about these acts.  Thats why you don't want to discuss them with someone who knows you well, but are OK to describe them in many paragraphs here.    HOwever, if your therapist really is a tight ass, AND you can change, then change therapists.

I underline the sentence because maybe you can think some more about this.  And also because I thought this was one of the instances, reading your post, that I really didn't understand the situation.  So maybe you can clarify.

You were describing that you were really attracted to this guy.... It seemed to me, that you went over there because you wanted to screw with a hot guy...  But also, you said you didn't want to go because the messages smelled a bit like drugs...  I'm just putting this out there, but if you want to avoid drugs, there are two things you can do in situation like this.  1) Don't go, don't accept the invitation.  or 2) Go, but when the drugs present, either don't do them, or walk out. 

Since you wanted to have sex with him, way before the drugs were offered, I don't understand why you feel like he "baited" you.  Baited you into what?  He didn't need the drugs to get you to have sex.   Did he say, take the drugs, or we can't have sex?  (It is possible to have sex with someone using - and not use yourself.  But yes, there isn't much connection, usually.... But not always  ::)  )

So in fact, I do think you are a bit tempted by the drugs.  IMO, you ARE conflicted about drug use.  But two times does not make an addict, so you are being a bit dramatic.  Maybe you can take a deep breath and some distance and say that you are learning from experience.  For example, I learned from experience that I'm not much into fisting. And that I don't like group sex. 

When I was young, the first times people proposed different fetishes, I was conflicted. (Gee that seems to kinky, dirty, immoral, etc...)  Then I learned that I like to experience different fetishes, for the kinky novelty of it, but usually don't like to continue with any of them..  So I learned, I like novelty. 

With experience, you learn what you like, and don't like. This applies to sex, drugs, how to spend your holidays, what colors look good on you, etc. etc.

As for the sex, when you are horny, you have to have the character and self knowledge, to stick with what you know about yourself, and say no to something you don't like.  Despite the fact you want sex, in fact, you don't want the special of the day this particular person is offering. Its not easy always...  Yep, self esteem can be difficult to regulate.

Luckily, from experience you also learn that there are MANY MANY fish in the sea, and if you wait a bit, you'll get the one that is more appropriate. 

_____

The last sentence means??  You mean, when you have a very busy work day, you refuse the pot and coke.  Well, that's just smart.  So you can control these acts.

With meth, you didn't like the sex, didn't like the high, and didn't like the comedown afterward, so add it to the list of acts you won't do.

____

(I am curious about...) why do you have 12 hour work days?? 
« Last Edit: May 29, 2013, 04:24:04 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline coreFighter

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2013, 09:50:55 AM »
Thanks mecch,

You're also very right and I feel like I need a new therapist. I think it's important. I just don't relate to him. No matter how nice he is I need a change. I'm feeling a lot better about everything today and I'm a little less freaked out the more sleep I get under my belt and distance from the dramatic.

I do have issues with selfworth and I guess I have to admit I do have issues with drug use I'm trying to figure out. I'm not quite sure about it, becuase I've never talked to anyone about that. I want to. But I don't know who to talk to. So I guess if I can't talk to my therapist about them. Then who.

I'm in media and I'm constantly on call and have a ton of stuff I need to get done. When it rains it pours. Part of my issues with self-worth are people who constantly drive down my rate and also at the end of the week I talk to my family - i.e. my mother and she's always upset with me because I'm not making enough money and not successful enough. So I take out my frustration by harming myself - this needs to stop. I need to figure out a better headspace for myself. Even though I'm constantly in a crowded room. I always feel lonely.

I really really don't like this drug and you guys are right. I need to figure out why I let someone tempt me.

Thank you for helping me figure out how to move forward !!! I've done some much growing and I'm excited able to get a better handle on myself.

Offline mecch

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #5 on: May 29, 2013, 02:32:35 PM »
Well you can talk about drug use here.  Doubt anyone will put you down.

Remember, everyone has their own reaction, and different reactions, to different drugs.  The come down from some drugs is rough - meaning one can feel like crap physically, and it can worsen self-esteem. 

Also these things can change. I smoked pot in Jr. High and loved it. Not a lot, but only good experiences. I guess the pressure of society increased in High School, cause I felt paranoid after smoking the smallest joint. Stopped... Tried it again, after college, and it was different - it's like speed for me, most of the time.  Good feelings but not relaxing..

So you are discovering how different drugs work for you and if they are not working,  try you best to not do them.  Try a different one.  Even booze is a drug. Do drugs for  the good things they bring to YOUR body and your head.  Not to please others.

___

Maybe its time to set limits on your mom's ability to get in your space.  Is there a way to tell her to stop putting you down.  If she can't do that, you can be strong and  point it out to her when she does, and change the subject.  If she insists, then its very unfair.  Pay no attention, if possible. Or simple say goodbye on the phone, telling her why. Or walk away, if its a face to face conversation.  No adult needs a nagging denigrating parent... (no child either, but children are somewhat powerless, trapped.  Adults are not..)

Sounds like you are a hard worker.   Don't harm yourself because dysfunctional people want to hurt you or can't stop projecting their own dissatisfaction with life, bitterness with life, onto you.  Screw them...  These are people to avoid if possible.



“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline coreFighter

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2013, 06:21:42 PM »
Meech,

Thanks, just came back from the doc. Apparently I have a throat infection. They swabbed and can't tell what it is right away.

Yeah, I mean, the more put together I become, the more I realize how little I like drugs and hooking up on them and the men on grinder. The more I try to tune my mother out and the more I realize how I've accomplished a lot with my life.

It's weird, because I really didn't start to emotionally evolve and put myself together till I moved out of my mom's house. They did a lot of damage and I'm trying to rebuild.

So it's baby steps forward. And everyone is right. I shouldn't let one smiling hot guy compromise my health and happiness. I have so many options and choices in the moment. I don't know why I don't always see that.

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2013, 06:59:01 PM »

So I want to know, from the wisdom of the forum. What I can do. To never ever do this drug again. I know never is a strong word. But I want to make sure.

As stupid as Nancy Reagan made it sound "just say no".  I had a friend offer it to me once and I said no thanks.  Him doing meth was part of the reason our friendship ended a few weeks later.  Do I regret not doing it.  No way.  I would hate to become addicted to that junk.  Why would I ruin my life with that.  Plus I think it's a drug that scumbags do.  Just look at some of those faces of meth pics and you can see how quickly it can ruin your life. 
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #8 on: May 30, 2013, 07:36:59 PM »
As stupid as Nancy Reagan made it sound "just say no".  I had a friend offer it to me once and I said no thanks.  Him doing meth was part of the reason our friendship ended a few weeks later.  Do I regret not doing it.  No way.  I would hate to become addicted to that junk.  Why would I ruin my life with that.  Plus I think it's a drug that scumbags do.  Just look at some of those faces of meth pics and you can see how quickly it can ruin your life. 

Livewithit , as a person who used to be a meth addict I find your choice of words unfortunate . Describing an addict as a scumbag shows that you are unfamiliar with addiction and probably need to do a little research about the disease before labeling people as scumbags . I wish you all the best but I just had to speak up about this .

HIV infections and drug addiction often go hand in hand and both conditions carry a stigma that in many ways fuels the epidemic .   

Im asking you to not to disparage people battling addiction on this forum , its simply the opposite of what we are trying to do here and it will not be tolerated .
« Last Edit: May 30, 2013, 07:51:15 PM by Jeff G »

Offline mecch

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2013, 10:55:44 PM »
Plus I think it's a drug that scumbags do. 
Nice. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline thepostergirl

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2013, 06:44:38 AM »
I venture to say that you've received some pretty damn good advice already but I'd like to share my opinion. For 2 1/2 years crack was my drug of choice and I saw unimaginable darkness everywhere I went and the things that I did to obtain that drug. I literally felt like I had lost my soul and I lost my will to live. I begged my higher power to either send me help (because I couldn't do it alone) or to just go ahead and let me die. To me, feeling soulless was a rock bottom that I couldn't handle. Inside my spirit, mind, heart and body in general I knew that that's not who I was so I made a decision to cease to live that lifestyle. I realized that I was using/abusing street drugs to cover up past pain that I had never dealt with and swept under the carpet. When I started taking responsibility for my actions and started healing parts of myself that I didn't even realize were broken, I jumped in head first. I laid down the drugs, changed who I talked to or hung out with and since it had gotten soo bad - I also changed my location and got away from any temptation. This was before I got tested and became positive. The drug culture I was involved in is why I'm HIV positive. I didn't care about anything which included myself and my body and I did a lot of things to obtain drugs to numb myself. Then of course I used drugs because of the shame of using drugs and hurting myself and those around me.

It sounds like you have gone through an experimental trial and have already come to the consensus that you feel regret from your mishap. I agree with the others to not be so hard on yourself. Look at it as a life lesson. You were curious and going through some issues and had a couple vulnerable moments. From here on out YOU have the power to say NO and get out of that situation as quick as possible. The real question is - WHY did you choose to try it? and I believe there is a deeper excuse than the boy was hot and you were attracted to him and wanted to please him. YOU own yourself wholly and completely and however weak you may feel - YOU are MUCH stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I'd like to add one last thing - In my opinion that there's no good possible outcome of using street drugs or abusing pharmaceuticals and if you take medication for HIV or AIDS that mixing the two could affect your progress in getting better. I say all of this because it's the truth and I have past drug experiences. I stopped drugs for many viable reasons and I got "myself" back and now I have other passions and take care of myself and forgive myself from my dark past...so maybe it might be time for you to forgive yourself - you are human and you had a weak moment but just a couple mishaps does not mean that YOU are weak. It takes strength to ask for advice or help - so good job! If you'd ever like to talk or feel a relapse coming on - you can PM me and I can give you my personal email address. Good luck and make sure not to be so hard on yourself. Your life is just as precious as everyone's on this site. - with care, me 
Diagnosed : October 2012
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Offline Ann

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2013, 06:52:32 AM »
As stupid as Nancy Reagan made it sound "just say no".  I had a friend offer it to me once and I said no thanks.  Him doing meth was part of the reason our friendship ended a few weeks later.  Do I regret not doing it.  No way.  I would hate to become addicted to that junk.  Why would I ruin my life with that.  Plus I think it's a drug that scumbags do.  Just look at some of those faces of meth pics and you can see how quickly it can ruin your life. 

Livewithit , as a person who used to be a meth addict I find your choice of words unfortunate . Describing an addict as a scumbag shows that you are unfamiliar with addiction and probably need to do a little research about the disease before labeling people as scumbags . I wish you all the best but I just had to speak up about this .

HIV infections and drug addiction often go hand in hand and both conditions carry a stigma that in many ways fuels the epidemic .   

Im asking you to not to disparage people battling addiction on this forum , its simply the opposite of what we are trying to do here and it will not be tolerated .

Ditto - although my drug of choice was something other than meth.

When Jeff says "Im asking you to not to disparage people battling addiction on this forum , its simply the opposite of what we are trying to do here and it will not be tolerated." what he means is that you are being formally warned against using such disparaging language against people who struggle with drug or alcohol addiction on these forums.

People need to feel safe when discussing these IMPORTANT issues and posts like yours do NOT make people feel safe.

Just in case you didn't get it, Please consider yourself warned!

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

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Offline coreFighter

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2013, 11:46:07 AM »
It sounds like you have gone through an experimental trial and have already come to the consensus that you feel regret from your mishap. I agree with the others to not be so hard on yourself. Look at it as a life lesson. You were curious and going through some issues and had a couple vulnerable moments. From here on out YOU have the power to say NO and get out of that situation as quick as possible. The real question is - WHY did you choose to try it? and I believe there is a deeper excuse than the boy was hot and you were attracted to him and wanted to please him. YOU own yourself wholly and completely and however weak you may feel - YOU are MUCH stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Thank you so  much. This is what I'm trying to figure out right now. I'm really trying to asses what's going on in my life right now. I'm just concerned. I've also felt crazy fatigue the past few days and not feeling quite right. It's very frustrating because I should have a ton of energy back right now. I do have to get a new shrink and march on.

I talked to one of my friends last night. She's very close to me. I was actually disappointed by how casually she took it. And said it was no big deal. But when I reflect on her use of alcohol and drugs. No matter how close she's been as a friend. I don't know if I want to keep her as close. I have a doctors visit later today when I get my blood work back. So i'm a little concerned. I just wish this fatigue would go away and this sense of being full in my intestines. I think meth freezes your immune system and you open up to all this stuff.

I just got back on my feet and regained my health after being sick for four months straight. So why I chose to jeopardize my energy and momentum - is beyond me. I need to make lot's of small strong stops forward.

Thank you for all your help !!!!

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #13 on: May 31, 2013, 05:48:44 PM »
Livewithit , as a person who used to be a meth addict I find your choice of words unfortunate . Describing an addict as a scumbag shows that you are unfamiliar with addiction and probably need to do a little research about the disease before labeling people as scumbags . I wish you all the best but I just had to speak up about this .

HIV infections and drug addiction often go hand in hand and both conditions carry a stigma that in many ways fuels the epidemic .   

Im asking you to not to disparage people battling addiction on this forum , its simply the opposite of what we are trying to do here and it will not be tolerated .

You are right, I chose the wrong words.   I didn't mean that the people who do it are scumbags, to me the drug itself is.  I know two good people who got caught up in it.  One is a doctor.  He was able to get over his addiction, the other person said they were going to do it recreationally, I hope they were strong enough to not fall victim to it.

I apologize to anyone who was offended, I'm just mad at the drug for taking my friend away. 
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2013, 05:53:57 PM »
You are right, I chose the wrong words.   I didn't mean that the people who do it are scumbags, to me the drug itself is.  I know two good people who got caught up in it.  One is a doctor.  He was able to get over his addiction, the other person said they were going to do it recreationally, I hope they were strong enough to not fall victim to it.

I apologize to anyone who was offended, I'm just mad at the drug for taking my friend away. 

We all say things from time to time we regret ... boy don't I know that LOL .

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Losing a fight with my strange addiction - fighting meth
« Reply #15 on: June 02, 2013, 04:37:01 PM »
Some people have alcoholic binges and ruin relationships, miss work, generally wreck their lives.

While some people have a glass of wine with dinner.

Likewise

Some people tweak and have binges of unprotected sex, miss work, generally wreck their lives.

While some people have a tenth of a gram of speed most days to self-medicate psychiatric conditions.

No one ever notices the people in the second groups, and you've probably talked to some without knowing it. Life is shades of grey, and polar thinking is rarely correct.

Or you can go with that Nancy Reagan soundbite. Those Reagans were good people.
Code: [Select]
2014-11-14: CD4 Wars Episode II: Return of the Stribild (released in Europe as Stribild II: Werewolf Bitch)
2014-11-06:                ☣ VL (→) 12,627      ☣ CD4 (→) 639
2014-??-??: off treatment  ☣ VL (?)              ☣ CD4 (?)
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
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