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Author Topic: tested pozitive, hurt and confused  (Read 3574 times)

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Offline neuro26

  • member
  • Posts: 2
tested pozitive, hurt and confused
« on: May 13, 2013, 04:41:42 PM »
hi,

i am not sure how to begin, but introduction are always nice.
i am a 26 year old gay male from south Africa.
i found out that i am HIV+, to my surprise... I've always been the safe, shy guy who would never engage in a three-some let alone i have been tested with ever bf i had, yet the one time i trusted some ones word was my own down fall. my last test was in nov when i stared dating my now ex bf, both of us were negative,.
we broke up for a month, and during time i had a rebound but we got back together.
last month was just a normal 6 month check up for us both, he come back neg, my doc did my the test and i was diagnosed HIV + on the 20 April, he was the first person i told coz i was worried that since we been having unprotected sex i might have infected him, i loved him and did not want him to hate me, he said he cant date me and we broke up lol again..

my blood test come back with a CD of 574 and VL of 71000. my doc is worried about the VL but says ''it looks like you just been infected??'' and gave me to atrpla to start asap,she said there is benefits of early treatment, but my friend said i should wait till end year for some new one day pill, cant remember the name? is it possible to move from atripla to something different in your first year?

another question? is it normal to feel like life has no meaning? i cant work, study or think.... some days with anger to myself crying nights away and thinking of what if only.

Offline life2

  • Member
  • Posts: 28
Re: tested pozitive, hurt and confused
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2013, 10:12:35 PM »
Hi Neuro,

I'm sorry that you had to find us but glad you did.  It's normal to have these feelings after being diagnosed.  Almost everyone here has experienced very similar feelings.  I can only share with you that it will get better.  Give it time.  Get to learn about this virus and how to live with it.  Read a lot.  There is a lot of great information here and great people to help you.  The most important thing you need to do now is take your meds and communicate with your Dr. (hiv specialist).  Do you have access to a mental health professional or counseling?  That can be another great resource for you.

Regarding your meds, its is now recommended here in the US that anyone newly diagnosed start treatment immediately regardless of your VL or CD4 levels so its encouraging that your Dr is starting meds now.  Yes, you can be switched away from Atripla at a later date.  Many people here have switched from Atripla to Complera or Stribild (also 1 pill a day options) and have shared their experiences in the 'Questions About Treatment & Side Effects' forum.  Be sure to read some of those and communicate any concerns and side effects you may have with your Dr. 

Your life is not worthless and it's not over!  It's just going to be a little different.

Be well and stay in touch.

Offline pittman

  • Member
  • Posts: 140
Re: tested pozitive, hurt and confused
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2013, 11:05:34 PM »
I would point out that the newness of a treatment is not a good indicator on its own for how successful it will be.   In the earlier years of real treatment, there were revolutionary changes that made huge differences in successful viral suppression. More recently it seems more evolutionary advances have been the case, providing easier adherence through single dosing, or alternatives for those that had developed resistances, or developed side effects to a particular combination.

Atripla has a very successful tract record and I would not discount it just because there is something newer. After testing for any drug resistances you may have, I would work with your doctor to try for the best fit based what will be the easiest for you to take and which has no (or the fewest) observed side effects for you.

Offline scooterdooder

  • member
  • Posts: 1
  • Smell the Roses and Count the Stars
Re: tested pozitive, hurt and confused
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2013, 11:12:36 AM »
Don't let the depression overtake you!!! I was diagnosed 5 days before my birthday in 2011.  (Actually this past Sunday marks 2 years)  The depression and feeling of worthlessness will pass.  I had a very similar situation where I was in a lengthy relationship and we had a short breakup.  At that point, I know my ex slept with a few other guys and I decided to have a one-night-stand.  Needless to say, my ex is confirmed negative and since my diagnosis the one-night-stand has been confirmed positive.  (Yup, living proof it only takes one time!!)  When I told my ex of my new diagnosis on my birthday 2 years ago he insisted that we stay together and deal with it together.  That was all good and dandy until he came back negative.  At that point he: dropped me like a bad habit, started to harass me constantly, and told as many people as he could get to listen about my status.  Trust me, I KNOW THE WORTHLESSNESS FEELING!!

You need to find a good support system.  Do you have friends that know and are there for you or even family?  I know that some people have a stronger relationship with their family than I do (I waited a year and a half to tell my mother and my sister still doesn't know)  I actually found that forums are a good support system in the beginning. It really is a lot to take in all at once and causes overwhelming emotions at times. 

It is definitely good that you are starting treatment early in my opinion.  This will greatly reduce your risks of developing and OI and making your recovery exponentially more difficult.  You should take some time to reflect on you.  I can still remember after I first found our how it felt as if there was a filter over my eyes because everything seemed a little different. I began to pay more attention to the minor details of the world.  Trees seemed a little greener, flowers needed to be smelled, and people needed to know how your felt (regardless of if they were good feelings or bad feelings)  I guess the feelings arise with this diagnosis because of all the stigmas around HIV.  I know that when I was diagnosed, I felt like I was facing my mortality.  This virus does not have to be fatal anymore.

Remember- it will get better!  I know that what I feel helped me the most was learning as much as I possibly could about HIV.  Read the studies, and read the history. You defiantly should feel grateful that so many people have fought the fight before you because 20 years ago, this virus WAS considered almost a death-sentence. I did a 52 week clinical trial at University of Cincinnati for a new drug that brough my viral load down to undetectable within 2 months.  Once you reach that point, you will feel very relieved. ;D

 
We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them.
We say we love trees, yet we cut them down.
And people still wonder why some
are afraid when told they are loved.

Offline Souledout

  • Member
  • Posts: 145
Re: tested pozitive, hurt and confused
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2013, 08:29:41 AM »
You should take some time to reflect on you.  I can still remember after I first found our how it felt as if there was a filter over my eyes because everything seemed a little different. I began to pay more attention to the minor details of the world.  Trees seemed a little greener, flowers needed to be smelled, and people needed to know how your felt (regardless of if they were good feelings or bad feelings)  I guess the feelings arise with this diagnosis because of all the stigmas around HIV.  I know that when I was diagnosed, I felt like I was facing my mortality.  This virus does not have to be fatal anymore.

Remember- it will get better!  I know that what I feel helped me the most was learning as much as I possibly could about HIV.  Read the studies, and read the history. You defiantly should feel grateful that so many people have fought the fight before you because 20 years ago, this virus WAS considered almost a death-sentence. I did a 52 week clinical trial at University of Cincinnati for a new drug that brough my viral load down to undetectable within 2 months.  Once you reach that point, you will feel very relieved. ;D

 

Me too, so very much. Soon after my diagnosis I managed to start seeing this as a second chance, it's not fatal, you've got your whole life in front of you to do with what you want. Make it worthwhile.

Like everyone says, sorry you had to come here but this place is, on the whole, a great place for advice and inspiration. You'll get through the first bit, no matter how hard it seems now, and from then on in it gets easier.
Infection sometime April-August, no noticable seroconversion symptoms
Not currently on medication
13/09/12 CD4 672 (33%) VL <40 (diagnosis date)
18/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 43
27/09/12 CD4 ?               VL 127
19/11/12 CD4 676 (38%) VL 959
03/03/13 CD4 642 (32%) VL 291
04/07/13 CD4 791 (33%) VL 26,437 (active cold sore, tooth infection)
18/07/13 ------retest------VL 3704
18/11/13 CD4 802 (36%) VL 65

Offline exeejoe

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: tested pozitive, hurt and confused
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2013, 12:10:10 AM »
 Trees seemed a little greener, flowers needed to be smelled, and people needed to know how your felt (regardless of if they were good feelings or bad feelings)  I guess the feelings arise with this diagnosis because of all the stigmas around HIV.  I know that when I was diagnosed, I felt like I was facing my mortality.  This virus does not have to be fatal anymore.

 :D  I personaly think testing positive gives you these "positive" view of life.  Hang on in there buddy.  Might help to know that I live in Lesotho, next door, and smelling the flowers better and seeing the trees better!  You also must count your blessings mate, South Africa is a world class country and their cares system is aparently much better than most African states.... so chill bro!

Offline neuro26

  • member
  • Posts: 2
Re: tested pozitive, hurt and confused
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2013, 01:50:26 PM »
hey guys, thanks for the reply's, sorry its been a month and half since my post.

hey life2, regarding my meds, i am happy to be on Atripla right now, guess it was everything i was reading about that made me worry, but i have had not one side affect from it and happy, i been taking it ever night with no dreams or any form of the side affects people have said to have, there has been times when i have missed taking it at night and ill just wake up and take it the next morning. about my health care, my medical aid pays for everything.

hey scooterdooder, Souledout and exeejoe....
thanks for your kind sweet reply's kind of took some time but im much happier, with things, and im going on with my life as is enjoying ever moment of it as best i can, ture to that point about everything in life seems to be more amazing some times.

scooterdooder, thanks for your reply, your store seems to be so on tie with mying, and gave me a tear. i know the feeling and thx dude sweet of you. i am happy to say i have good family support in my uncle who i stay with hes kind of been my rock now regarding keeping me health and active and force me not to sit and play play station all weekend but go out, other wise my mom and dad. are never going to know, mom is way to Afrikaans and still has not accepted me being gay and my dad is arib (lebanese) so no they wont know or want to know lol. i am happy to hear you undetectable after a year, im looking at that as my goal now, have few more weeks and ill do my first 3month test to see how the drugs are helping.

chow.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,742
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: tested pozitive, hurt and confused
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2013, 06:35:19 PM »
he was the first person i told coz i was worried that since we been having unprotected sex i might have infected him, i loved him and did not want him to hate me, he said he cant date me and we broke up lol again..

Hi welcome to the forum.
Sorry for the diagnosis.
Great that you have fast and good and complete health attention.

About the sentence above. You did the right thing telling your now ex right away. I can't say I have much respect for him, breaking up with you.  HIV has a way of weeding out the assholes.  This was not an "lol" situation.  ON top of a diagnosis, you got dumped.  Then he had the nerve to tell you how to manage your infection...   

I'm glad to hear you are doing well and finding the support that you need.  No need for the moment to rock the boat with some family members who will only upset you.  All things can be dealt with in due time... When you are ready... Or when you need it. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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