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Author Topic: Major Malfunction  (Read 1523 times)

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Offline oksikoko

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  • Writing the congressman again
    • the treatment cascade
Major Malfunction
« on: May 10, 2013, 03:38:27 AM »
Of the many things that happened to, near and at me this week, at least two have confused and/or angered me. I guess I'm not looking for someone to have an answer since there's no real dilemma here, but rather for someone to understand where I'm coming from.

Thing 1
Here are the givens:
A) Around these parts, sex is a luxury, so if someone offers, I don't ask too many questions, especially if they're willing to put up with the shit I get into and can tolerate my personality long enough to get nekkid. In other words, don't look a gift horse in the mouth unless that's your thing, you sicko, or unless you've been bound in such a way that there's nowhere else to look.
B) Everyone I know is positive, and most of the people they know are positive, so I forget that not everyone is positive. But, hey, it turns out that not everyone is positive, you guys...
C) I have a tattoo so that - on the off chance you somehow ended up in danger of having sex with me - there really could be no doubt that all the people involved know all the risks involved. I endeavor to minimze the risk insomuchas:
D) I don't have sex with negative people. Period. It happened accidentally in the beginning, but I've apologized and there's no use crying over spilled milk.

So, I understand, given these givens, how I ended up accidentally having sex with an HIV-negative guy. I met him with someone who, as far as I knew, only knew other positive guys (or chasers, but the only difference there is temporal). I also knew that they had had sex, so the whole thing seemed kosher. And I know that this guy saw my tattoo because he asked me about it, and seemed to be familiar with the concept.

Here's what I don't understand. Why did I not ask him before anything happened instead of in between anything happening. When he asked, "did you do porn? I've seen that tattoo," why did I say "no, mine's for a different reason, wink/chuckle" instead of "No. I'm HIV-positive. How about you?" I don't remember what happened, but at some point something seemed 'off.' He just seemed not-positive somehow, so I  asked "hey, you're positive, right? And you know I am...right? Right?"

"Yeah, of course I know you are. I'm neg but I'm cool with poz," he says like he's giving me directions. If any of you remember me from the before times, you know that was how I felt too. The big difference was I knew I would one day be positive. I just got tired of running and sat down. Frankly, I was relieved the wait was over so I didn't have to be afraid of it anymore. Or you could say I was foolish but not ignorant. But this guy...

This guy tells me he's researched it, and he'll be OK. He can't get HIV, he says. Friends, I don't think this crowd would appreciate full disclosure, but we're not talking about a quick missionary heave ho and see ya later. He and I are way past risky at this point. If it were possible, I may have reinfected myself considering our flagrant disregard for decency, safety and the American Way. I'd really like to have a word with whoever credentialed him in researchology, but I don't even want to know how he could possibly believe what he believes, so I let it go.

Obviously I'm angry with myself for letting this happen. I at least have it in writing that he knew I was positive, so I don't think there are any legal worries. But that's the least of my problems with this. How could I be so careless? Or how could I be so stupid? I don't know which is worse, but I do know if he seroconverts, then I have to live with the responsibility of having infected every person he infects and all the people they infect ad (approaching) infinitum. And, really, I'm no good with responsibility. Ask anyone.

I need either a new tattoo, a chastity belt or a year's supply of Orasure rapid tests. But given Given A up above, 1 box ought to suffice for the rest of this decade. He wanted to discuss it later, but I don't see what there is to discuss. Case closed.

Thing 2
Because I am the stupidest man alive (see above), I allowed five Stribild to fall into the subway tracks without first being eaten by me. Later, I told a guy I know that I was afraid I would have to cut the last few in half since I wasn't sure it could be refilled early (Medicaid). "Don't you have any leftover from last month?" he asks.

"I'm sorry? Left over from...?"

"I always have a bunch left over. They give me too many! You take one every single day? No breaks?!"

I don't remember what I said next, because my brains melted at just that moment.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline Theyer

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2013, 05:41:48 AM »
When I was but a baby gay , well adolescent, back in the 80,s early 90,s the rule was you where responsible for what you did. Therefore there was no criminalisation off sexual decisions the state and individuals had a responsibility to educate and condons ruled. Generally my friends and I assumed that everyone was potentially + and behaved accordingly. Your partner made there decision , you at most got a reminder not to assume anything , if/when the fool SC,s how will you know it was you ?

I too am frequently amazed at the stupidity off others, then I flood my bathroom because I am on aidsmed and forget I'd started the bath and don't feel so bloody clever after all.

m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2013, 07:03:20 AM »
Here's what I don't understand. Why did I not ask him before anything happened instead of in between anything happening. When he asked, "did you do porn? I've seen that tattoo," why did I say "no, mine's for a different reason, wink/chuckle" instead of "No. I'm HIV-positive. How about you?"

Well, answer your question.  Why didn't you spill?

Then think about your answer and consider, is it a good reason not to disclose, is it just an excuse, is is wait.....  merde!   Sometimes neither the question nor the answer matters.  Whats best is sticking to a pre-decided Modus Operandi.

I agree with Theyer - they told us in the 80's in fact before I left college what safesex was and at that time I just stuck to that MO for decades and stayed HIV-.

I quit smoking a year ago and two weeks ago smoked a pack over a week. I know why I did it and how it made me feel (good!) and why it was a bad decision, but really the easiest thing is just stick to one's original M.O. and not get bogged down in all these questions.   

Sometimes I'll put my self-sabotage questions to my shrink and you know how that goes she just throws it back, "well, why do you think you did that" and we're back at the starting line....  At the end of the day, you have to stand on your principles.

Sometimes those are principles about yourself. (...what pleasures are valuable to me, vs. their costs, or risks...  What is my red line between risk and safety. This is all 7 sins stuff, the so-called sins vs self preservation, growth, self-respect. I think indulging the sins do grow a soul, but there are limits...) 

Sometimes its principle about how you respect others... value others and value the public good.

And you have shown every evidence that you have both kinds of principles, so just stand on them.



« Last Edit: May 10, 2013, 07:13:26 AM by mecch »
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline Dachshund

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2013, 07:43:52 AM »


I agree with Theyer - they told us in the 80's in fact before I left college what safesex was and at that time I just stuck to that MO for decades and stayed HIV-.



This is what drives me crazy about post-infection morality. Armed with decades of safe sex knowledge and yet you still ended up infected.

Now back to the OP. You really know all the answers to your questions so no need to go over any of that stuff. I could be wrong but it sounds like you're getting high and partying and that's when any type of judgement goes out the window. That's what your posting sounds like to me. I could be wrong, but I'm guessing I'm not.

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2013, 08:50:25 AM »
Not this particular round on the monkey bars, no. Well, unless you count atypical antipsychotics as a party, lol.

Those were rhetorical questions with pretty uninteresting answers. I didn't ask because I thought I already knew the answer. I assumed (from past experience) he was positive, and he assumed (from past experience) that I wouldn't care if he was or not. And since we didn't talk about it, a big mistake was made. He's not positive, And I do care.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not claiming any sort of altruism. Whether or not he pozzes himself up is his business. I only care because I don't want that kind of guilt nor do I want to be the instrument of someone else's death wish. It ain't out of the goodness of my slim to nonexistent heart.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline Dachshund

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2013, 09:33:23 AM »
Well then, lesson learned. Don't assume everyone is positive. All you need to do is ask/tell, practice safe sex and you're good to go. Too late with this guy.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2013, 09:49:39 AM by Dachshund »

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2013, 09:53:45 AM »
I'm definitely going to ask point blank from now. The opportunity comes up much less often than you might think or I might prefer, so it's not that big of a deal. I usually do simply ask, actually, but it was the assumption wot got me into trouble here.

As for safe sex, uh, no. :) To each his own, but for me, that's just not ever gonna happen, and I'm not gonna pay it lip service for appearances' sake. Ideally, I suppose having only one sex partner would be the smart thing in the interest of harm reduction, but there's 'smart' and there's 'possible'. ;) It's hard enough finding one willing to spend a night. A lifetime or even a couple years is a little unreasonable.

I think the best bet here is to at least try to enjoy what ēisē possible and not think too much about all that other stuff which is likely not going to happen, like having boyfriends/husbands, acquiring super powers or curing HIV with garlic and beet root. So it goes.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline intaglio

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2013, 09:55:07 AM »
I allowed five Stribild to fall into the subway tracks without first being eaten by me.

Talk to your PCP. Tell them you dropped and lost five of your pills. They might have samples they can give you. If not, they can tell you how to stretch what you have left.
Reality is frequently inaccurate.

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2013, 10:05:29 AM »
Always good advice, intaglio. I don't keep anything from my doctor. I'm lucky I have a great one.

I also have a great pharmacist, and they got it all worked out in the end. I was so embarrassed to have such a lame excuse, but my entire pill case got knocked into the subway tracks. I used to carry a week at a time, and that was on a Tuesday, I guess so I lost 5. All my other pills are generic and replaceable. Stribild, though? I might as well have burned $100 bills. And I don't need to give anyone reason to suggest I go on a cheaper regimen. I like the one I've got, even if Gilead can't get their paperwork in order to get elvitegravir and cobicistat approved for standalone use. What a farce. /tangent
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2013, 10:18:37 AM »
It's hard enough finding one willing to spend a night.

Did the Bijou on E. 4th @ 2nd Ave close?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2013, 11:08:36 AM »
Dunno. Never been. Not really into sex clubs.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2013, 12:02:15 PM »
There's always OINKmobile.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2013, 12:55:46 PM »
OK, I've entirely  lost the plot. Are you suggesting a sex club in the East Village and an app (is that NKP you're talking about?) for husbands or for tricks? I'm not really in the market for one or the other, but maybe this is intended as general advice for the whole forum. ;

I can't speak to the success one might have at the Bijou, but I never personally had much luck on that particular app. I did enjoy some of the videos, but the novelty wears off pretty quick. Not sure I can endorse your endorsement without some hard evidence.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2013, 01:00:19 PM »
Have you been fucked in a subway tunnel yet? They give extra gay merit points for that.

Anywho, the Bijou was legendary back in the early 90's. I once lost my apartment keys in stall #13 and gave public shows outside of the stall and not even in the dark room -- just full on viewing, that time with Darius though since I lived around the corner we moved on to private time later. Plus the Bijou always had free platters of Oreo cookies. You don't get that on Grindr.

I later learned that Darius was the piano player at the Duplex and was so mortified that I just had to break that one off. It's like dating a hairdresser. I have standards and draw the line with show tunes.

ps: are you mixing apps with real life in that previous post? I found it muddled. Log off that smartphone crap and learn hunting skills. It's more work but more enjoyable. It's not even about the actual sex. It's about shopping and excelling at conquests -- laudable in an imperialist manner. Gay men in NYC are disposable creatures, there are so many -- it's more important that you focus on enlarging your ego. If some boys get emotionally traumatized in the process that's not your problem now is it? They knew what they were getting into when they moved to the Big City from Farmville, USA. As someone from the backwoods of Kentucky surely you understand this.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2013, 01:09:30 PM by Miss Philicia »
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2013, 01:10:57 PM »
wow!

no, I lost gay privileges sometime when they became acceptable in the Times wedding announcements. I'm working this whole poz angle exclusively now.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #15 on: May 10, 2013, 01:15:40 PM »
I'm working this whole poz angle exclusively now.

That's such old news, girl -- you were doing that before your diagnosis.

So hey -- I'm going to have to play the part of Fierce Uncle because my niece will be living in NYC this summer doing a highly coveted fashion internship and as such I'll have run of the place in the apartment off of Times Square that my older brother is leasing. Shall we get together for cocktails at a piano bar and sing along to songs from Cats? If you'd like I can plan a wardrobe and/or lighting concept.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #16 on: May 10, 2013, 01:19:10 PM »
Ah, you ain't make plans with me. I'm a terrible flake. I don't even go through the motions anymore. ;)
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #17 on: May 10, 2013, 01:25:58 PM »
Ah, you ain't make plans with me. I'm a terrible flake. I don't even go through the motions anymore. ;)

Well now, that's just not acceptable and horribly upsetting to me. I'm hurt.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Major Malfunction
« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2013, 02:39:32 PM »
You and me both. I find that lowered expectations help.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

 


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