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Author Topic: Parents have always been there for me. Now they are elderly and sick.  (Read 2605 times)

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Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
I thought testing positive would be the hardest thing I would have to deal with in life. Seeing my parents age and become ill has been harder. My parents have been healthy all of their lives until recently. My dad is scheduled for a partial colectomy the end of the month and my mother was just diagnosed with heart failure. I can't picture life without them. They really are my best friends. After my parents are gone i'll be alone and poor. The second half of my life isn't looking very good at this point. I have never felt this hopeless. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I am completely overwhelmed. I'm scared to death of the future. My friends are horrible rich people who are incapale of feeling empathy for others. I feel like I made a lot of bad decisions in my youth that are coming back to haunt me.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,050
Hi Philly,

I lost both parents in the last 6 years and it was very difficult, I'm not going to tell a fib.  But I had to pull myself together to be there for them.  I helped take care of both of them in their last days; my mom passed in August of '07, my dad the following March.  I totally get the fear of being totally alone.  But I also found support through a couple good friends. 

When you say you're scared of being "poor," are your parents supporting you?  Are you living with them?  I totally get the fear of not having them around to talk to.  I miss talking to my parents, especially my mom, almost every day.  But, it does get a little better.  Just think of what it is they're needing the most right now, which may just be your presence, and try to be there for them as they've obviously been there for you.  I'm not trying to talk in cliches, but by helping them through their illnesses, you will feel better. 

Nothing can fix the loss of parents you've been close to.  But, you will get through it.  If you need talk support, and you're not doing this already, you may want to check out a therapist to help you through this difficult time.  That will help, to talk face to face with someone and have them offer feedback. 

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,578
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Hi Philly,

My Mother died a couple off weeks ago and it is a loss like no other.

There is consolation in I did all I could for her during her illnesses including, and this is not flippant , staying alive myself.

Try not to think off your friends as horrible as something attracted you to them, it is hard for folks to have empathy all the time. Regretting past choices, all off us do to some extent . This is a time off life for all of us with parents if we live long enough , yes its frightening but they are not dead yet you have years ahead to develop your relationship with them and develop your own independence , that will be the best you could possably do for them , show them that you can stand on your own two feet and care for them when needed.

Know take care
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Hi Philly,

I lost both parents in the last 6 years and it was very difficult, I'm not going to tell a fib.  But I had to pull myself together to be there for them.  I helped take care of both of them in their last days; my mom passed in August of '07, my dad the following March.  I totally get the fear of being totally alone.  But I also found support through a couple good friends. 

When you say you're scared of being "poor," are your parents supporting you?  Are you living with them?  I totally get the fear of not having them around to talk to.  I miss talking to my parents, especially my mom, almost every day.  But, it does get a little better.  Just think of what it is they're needing the most right now, which may just be your presence, and try to be there for them as they've obviously been there for you.  I'm not trying to talk in cliches, but by helping them through their illnesses, you will feel better. 

Nothing can fix the loss of parents you've been close to.  But, you will get through it.  If you need talk support, and you're not doing this already, you may want to check out a therapist to help you through this difficult time.  That will help, to talk face to face with someone and have them offer feedback. 

Betty
Im 41 now and have been collecting the minimum on disablity since I was 28. I live in public housing with hostile neighbors and community management. I used to work parttime under the table to have some spending money but those kinds of jobs have vanished since the economy collapsed. Im more emotionally dependent on them then financial. When things get bad at my home i've been able to escape to my parents place. Part of why im an emotional wreck is the incredible stress that comes with caretaking mom and dad. They have always been self sufficient and are not dealing very well with illness. Im feeling better today then when I first posted. I was in a bad place. Thank you for the advice.

Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Hi Philly,

My Mother died a couple off weeks ago and it is a loss like no other.

There is consolation in I did all I could for her during her illnesses including, and this is not flippant , staying alive myself.

Try not to think off your friends as horrible as something attracted you to them, it is hard for folks to have empathy all the time. Regretting past choices, all off us do to some extent . This is a time off life for all of us with parents if we live long enough , yes its frightening but they are not dead yet you have years ahead to develop your relationship with them and develop your own independence , that will be the best you could possably do for them , show them that you can stand on your own two feet and care for them when needed.

Know take care
m
I've been on disability for bipolar disorder for years. I signed up to become a real estate agent yesterday. Im tired of being broke and am going to give real estate a shot. Wish me luck. I know how hard it must be to say goodbye to your mom. If there were words that could help I would say them but there are none that help with grieving losing your mom. I get the feeling we never get over losing a parent. If anything I imagine the longer they are gone the more we miss being able to pick up the phone and hear their voice.

Offline britchick

  • Member
  • Posts: 443
Best wishes and good luck for you in your new job.
Please be proud of yourself for looking after your parents and for having the courage to get back out there...re the job.


Britchickx


Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,578
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Hey good luck with the job , Philly.

There is for me an important difference between my late Partners death and parents deaths that makes grieving for Parents differant and for me easier to bare.

The Parents lived long life's , and there deaths followed the natural course off life, however my Partners , Lovers and friends deaths from AIDS where young talented men and woman who had no way completed there life,s and that  felt tragic.

Time for me has changed my feelings , the intensity off them, however out off nowhere I can be hit by grief still 20 + years later . I miss my Parents and at times feel quite lost, but I am not devastated like I was following the death off my Partner.
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Hey good luck with the job , Philly.

There is for me an important difference between my late Partners death and parents deaths that makes grieving for Parents differant and for me easier to bare.

The Parents lived long life's , and there deaths followed the natural course off life, however my Partners , Lovers and friends deaths from AIDS where young talented men and woman who had no way completed there life,s and that  felt tragic.

Time for me has changed my feelings , the intensity off them, however out off nowhere I can be hit by grief still 20 + years later . I miss my Parents and at times feel quite lost, but I am not devastated like I was following the death off my Partner.
I can relate to those feelings. I tested positive when I was 20 years old. I had a circle of young frends who were infected. It often happens when Im driving that I see the faces of guys who died in there early 20's and I just start crying my eyes out. Its like I have a flashback to the early 90's when there was no real treatment and people were losing the battle left an right. I cry for them and out of some unerstanding that I am only here by he grace of God. Also now that im older (41) I appreciate the simple beauty of a boy in his early 20's and how tragic it was they died such horrible deaths.

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,578
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
yep what you write is part off it.

On another tack Philly you only 41, this came as a bit off shock, prime age for 2 career in life according to something I read somewhere , racking brain it was about all the /careers you can/do .
retire in 40,s from --- Law enforcement , military, in UK Firefighters, Teachers, Sports
and the opportunity it affords, Tis coming back a bit now the article was aimed at young uns pointing  out that there are now few jobs for life in economically advanced countries. I guess there are more jobs for life in poor countries cause your chances for living past 40 are much less. I will stop now posting with a slight temp leads to rambling.
m
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Thank you again Theyer. Take care of yourself. Pop a couple aspirin or Tylenol to break that fever!

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,411
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Hey Philly,

I understand your feelings very well. Like Michael, I just lost my mother three months ago to pancreatic cancer.

She was elderly (almost 90), but had been very active and "with it" until the last year of her life.

It was a particularly difficult time for me, one that is still causing me a great deal of emotion.

I empathize with your feeling regarding your parents and wish you strength and tenacity.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Hey Philly,

I understand your feelings very well. Like Michael, I just lost my mother three months ago to pancreatic cancer.

She was elderly (almost 90), but had been very active and "with it" until the last year of her life.

It was a particularly difficult time for me, one that is still causing me a great deal of emotion.

I empathize with your feeling regarding your parents and wish you strength and tenacity.

HUGS,

Mark
God is going to have to give me the strength. Im exhausted.

Offline mitch777

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,681
God is going to have to give me the strength. Im exhausted.
Philly,
I have been watching this thread and think of you often.
Just wondering, are you their only child? Are you their only caregiver?
I wish I had helpful advice.
(I'm "shipping" my mother half way across the country for my sisters to provide care)
Hope there is someone to help give you a break at times.
Best to you,
m.
32 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline phillypinko

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Philly,
I have been watching this thread and think of you often.
Just wondering, are you their only child? Are you their only caregiver?
I wish I had helpful advice.
(I'm "shipping" my mother half way across the country for my sisters to provide care)
Hope there is someone to help give you a break at times.
Best to you,
m.
Im the baby of three. I was a borderline mid-life baby so my sister and brother are 13 and 14 years older then me. My parents spend some time at my sisters house. When they come to their house at the shore I come down the shore with them. My mom is just getting over sepsis and a heart failure diagnosis now we are preparing for my fathers colon resection in 11 days. Im praying every day. Life would change dramatically for me if my parents die. I try to stay positive but it is very overwhelming. The reason I think im single is because I've had such a great dad. I can't find anyone who measures up to the standard he has set. Its easier said then done but i am preparing spiritually to transfer my emotional dependence on my parents to God. I know God will take care of me but I can't stop thinking about what a lonely place the world will be when they are gone.

 


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