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Found out my BF is POS yesterday. Roller Coaster of emotions...what next!?

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Whitettightt:
My partner (25) found out he had testicular cancer on 4/22.  4/25 His testicle was removed.  Yesterday (5/6) the doctor called to tell him his blood tests showed he was  HIV+.  I can only imagine everything he must be thinking and going through...but there is a selfish side of me screaming "BUT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS NOW TOO!!

This has been a tumultuous relationship at best.  We care for each other a lot.  We have a very strong sexual connection.  We dated before and broke it off, only to find ourselves attracted to each other time and time again.  He had the "I am invincible, I am King of the World," mentality and didn't really think that much for anyone but himself.  Fairly typical for that age, I suppose.  Yet I still fell for him and love him.  His words said he loved me, but his actions never backed it up much.  I sensed he was being unfaithful or untruthful in our first go around but my questions were always met with "You're crazy, that is ridculous" or other such dismissing words.  He finally admitted it and I called things off.  That was a year ago.

In March we decided to try again.  And I really felt he was serious about it this time.  His communication improved, we spent a lot of quality time together, we had spats but worked through them.  I really felt we were moving in a good direction, having started with very unstable ground.  When the cancer diagnosis came, he pushed me away, relying on other family and friends for support.  I felt almost abandoned by it.  It was like he needed the sympathy from everyone else...but not my support.  His attitude was quite cool about having cancer.  He seemed to kind of just shrug his shoulders and say "It'll pass, no big deal".

Then last night he tells me the HIV POZ news.  Now I am reeling.  I go from being pissed, to betrayed, to sad, to scared, to wanting to be there for him, to wanting to run away from him and everything in between.  I was tested 4/2--negative.  But now I have to wait another 3-6 months 1) worrying if I have it 2) trying to figure out how to be supportive for him 3) trying to figure out if our relationship is even salvageable through this sort of thing.  My mind is flooded with "Why"  "What was he thinking"  "He promised he was having safe sex with everyone but me"  "Why was I so dumb and not insisting on safe sex with him regardless" "What am I going to do if I get it".  "How do I express my frustration with him without making him feel  more awful than he does".

I am paralyzed with numbness.  I can't focus on work.  I am just at a loss.  I need support, too!  He doesn't want me telling anyone, and I can respect that.  But I need to talk to someone!  He doesn't want people knowing about the cancer...and that was hard for me.  Now this actually affects me!  I don't want to "out" his status, but I need to be able to talk tp my close friends, who are also his friends.

We have agreed to see a counselor.  If there is any hope for us to stay together we need to be able to not only discuss our issues we had BEFORE all of this, but now the feelings that come up from this as well.

sigh....

mitch777:
Hi WT,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
My guess is that your story is being repeated countless times and the feelings you are having are those of many here that have some sage wisdom coming your way.
Hang in!

It sounds like you are well versed on the topic of hiv testing and I would simply suggest that you follow through with it.

I'm not a therapist but know it will take time for you to sort out all of your feelings and thoughts.

Just wanted you to know that this site has support for you.
Glad you found us! :)

Keep in touch!
m.

mecch:

--- Quote from: Whitettightt on May 07, 2013, 12:50:33 PM ---  I was tested 4/2--negative.  But now I have to wait another 3-6 months 1) worrying if I have it 2) trying to figure out how to be supportive for him 3) trying to figure out if our relationship is even salvageable through this sort of thing.  My mind is flooded with "Why"  "What was he thinking"  "He promised he was having safe sex with everyone but me"  "Why was I so dumb and not insisting on safe sex with him regardless" "What am I going to do if I get it".  "How do I express my frustration with him without making him feel  more awful than he does".

I am paralyzed with numbness.  I can't focus on work.  I am just at a loss.

--- End quote ---
You have to respect his wishes on disclosure. So talk to us here.  Or negotiate with him, who you can talk to in "real" life.
Of course its a shock. Of course you need support.

I don't think you should feel betrayed.  At least, not until he figures out when he was infected, if that ever is possible.  If you had an agreement for safesex only, and that agreement is RECENT, then he very well may have been infected earlier.
You should have had safe sex with him. Considering what you already knew. 
I hope you continue to test negative. And, now, really really commit to safesex. Until you are in a very SOLID relationship with someone you can trust, and for awhile.  Also, do the very precise testing required before you dare bareback. With a "supposed" HIV- person.

I feel very sorry for your partner.  He just got 2 huge blows.  He must be reeling too.  Give him a hug from us and tell him to join here.

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