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Author Topic: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !  (Read 2629 times)

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Offline weasel

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DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« on: April 25, 2013, 08:39:08 PM »

    Today I heard a friend had died of AIDS .

      Jackie  was a nice man , I think around 40 ?

     He never cared to take HIV MEDS .   As I last heard him say " The pills are too
big to go down the pipe "

  I am very sad to know a person that was fun  , lively ,not a depressed fellow
 just decided to DIE rather than take HIV MEDS  :(

  I have known many many men to die of AIDS , before the new MEDS came out .
  I just have to wonder why !
 WHY would a young man pretty much just kill himself ? 
 I feel so very sad .  Nothing I could have said would have changed his mind .
  The caseworker  gave up  :o
 I pray he passed without pain and has gone off to heaven .
  Lately I have felt like a walking corpse , But I do not want to die yet !
  My numbers have been OK  , Percentage  a bit lower than it should be ?
  I have spent the past several days sleeping all day  :-[
 I go for blood work Monday , Hopefully things are OK .
   Guys that just give up !   , That just makes me wonder why I spend so
much time to stay around and live a life of hell at times .
 Not all days are bad , but the amount of pain i endure is getting to the point
that I may not want to continue  ...
 Anyway ,  Pray for my friend Jackie !  He was a nice guy and should have lived
a long life !
   He never told his Mother ! They lived together ? Not sure how that played out .

                                                Just feeling bad ,
                                                                        Weasel  :'(
" Live and let Live "

Offline Jeff G

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2013, 08:57:45 PM »
Hi Carl , Im so very sorry to hear about your friend ,these things take a toll so its no wonder you are feeling down . I have seen it before myself and felt so helpless and paralyzed when it dawned on me that I had to except it , that it was too late to turn back the time and regain his health .

I thank you for sharing this because people need to see it and understand that our mental health is just as important as our immune system .

We need you around here buddy so please get up and get back to living your life . Hugs ,

Offline Joe K

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2013, 09:12:01 PM »
Hey Carl,

My deepest condolences on the loss of your friend.  You ask how someone could just stop their meds and I think the answer depends upon how strong and prepared folks are, when the hard times hit.  There are just so many things that can hit any of us and I believe that those of us who survive and even thrive, have structured our lives and abilities to make that happen.

I'm in the middle of a separation right now and stopping my meds has crossed my mind, more than once.  I won't do it, simply because I've been working on myself to withstand such an assault.  I didn't mean to hijack your thread, however there are many things that can drive someone to lose all hope.

Joe
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2013, 09:23:31 PM »
Very sad, sorry for your loss.  Some people have pill swallowing phobias.  My sister has it, it just stemmed from when she was a child refusing to swallow them.  Luckily she doesn't have any illness where she needs to take them.  If she ever does need a pill she will crush it up.  Then one day it dawned on me, if she can swallow food, and can she ever, then she can swallow a pill, she is just afraid to. 

Most pills can be crushed or cut into smaller pieces unless they are controlled release or there is some other specific reason that it has to be broken down by stomach acids.  There are also some possible alternative such as maybe looking into a liquid version of the meds.  Seems like he just gave up, so sad. 
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline Elkan

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2013, 10:43:54 PM »
I am sorry for your loss. I am also feeling very worried or rather afraid. Every time i hear someone dying from hiv i will think about myself. I am just afraid that i might be defeated by hiv at any second :(

Offline tednlou2

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2013, 11:06:09 PM »
Weasel,

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, and my condolences to you.  I cannot understand the thinking of allowing yourself to die.  I mean, unless you're not in your right mind.  Or, if you had battled illness and were just done and ready to go.  But, it sounds like your friend chose not to take meds, before getting to that point. 

Death scares the hell out of me.  I would do whatever I needed to do to stay alive.  I think about sitting outside tonight with my partner, with a fire going and the moon so big.  We watched the Space Station fly over tonight.  I want many more of those nights.  I want to have thousands more serious discussions, as well as the silly ones.  Again, I understand those in deep depression or with psychiatric disorders may not be thinking clearly.

I am also sorry to hear you've not been feeling well.  I hope that is temporary and you'll be back to feeling better soon.

Take care,

Ted

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2013, 12:10:50 AM »

Death scares the hell out of me.  I would do whatever I needed to do to stay alive.  I think about sitting outside tonight with my partner, with a fire going and the moon so big.  We watched the Space Station fly over tonight.  I want many more of those nights. 

When life is good it's worth living.  Death scares me too, but right now I"m in a horrible rut that I have been in for 7 months since my only friend got mad at me and stopped talking to me.  I even told him how depressed I was and that I was not doing well and he didn't even care.  I'm hoping he's on some good drugs and will get over it at some point because I didn't know he could be so heartless.  I think I miss my friends dog more than I miss him, he was the greatest sweetest creature I ever met.  Always happy to see me and I felt the same.

When you don't have any friends life is hard.  I just do the minimum to get by and keep putting things off because everything seems so overwhelming.
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline Zohar

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2013, 04:37:02 AM »
''Guys that just give up ! That just makes me wonder why I spend so
much time to stay around and live a life of hell at times''
.

At the end of the day, if someone decides to not take HIV medication that is their choice. People know the risks. Obviously, it's tragic when someone dies, especially when their death could have been avoided, but I don't see what that has got to do with your own health and medication choices.
''Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.''

Offline mecch

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2013, 07:16:52 AM »
, but I don't see what that has got to do with your own health and medication choices.

Its partly "there but for the grace of God go I."   

Consider this, Zohar: witnessing someone strip a dilemma down to a cold and existential binary, (cold, but compelling) and choose what most people consider the bleak path, or crazy path, or nihilistic path, makes one wonder... Well, how secure is my own, "healthy" or "sane", path?  How secure is my own fortune, or am I deluded that I live in good fortune?  How rational is the "common wisdom" choice?  Is God keeping me on the good way? Is it my family and network? Is it my own strength?

Questions like those might arise.  Can you see it now?


 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mitch777

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2013, 08:43:00 AM »
Hi Carl,

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.
I don't even want to speculate what was possibly going on with his mind.
It's heartbreaking, but please remember that you are not him.
You have always been a kind soul here and it is hard to hear about your pain.
(emotional and physical)

We all can get in our funky periods that can feel like we're stuck in a rut for awhile.
Somehow we get through them and return to the ability to focus on the parts of life that make us smile and laugh.

Wish I could offer better advice but hope you know that we are here for you.
A big >HUG< from me! :)

My thoughts are with you.

m.

 
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline Zohar

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2013, 10:12:43 AM »
Its partly "there but for the grace of God go I."   

Consider this, Zohar: witnessing someone strip a dilemma down to a cold and existential binary, (cold, but compelling) and choose what most people consider the bleak path, or crazy path, or nihilistic path, makes one wonder... Well, how secure is my own, "healthy" or "sane", path?  How secure is my own fortune, or am I deluded that I live in good fortune?  How rational is the "common wisdom" choice?  Is God keeping me on the good way? Is it my family and network? Is it my own strength?

Questions like those might arise.  Can you see it now?

I understand the point, but I'm still left with the feeling that the OP is coming across as a bit of a martyr. I mean, he's seemingly being critical of 'guys that give up', whilst at the same time questioning why he goes on with a 'life of hell'. Has the death of the friend made the OP consider forsaking his medication too..?
''Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.''

Offline Jeff G

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #11 on: April 26, 2013, 10:19:09 AM »
I understand the point, but I'm still left with the feeling that the OP is coming across as a bit of a martyr. I mean, he's seemingly being critical of 'guys that give up', whilst at the same time questioning why he goes on with a 'life of hell'. Has the death of the friend made the OP consider forsaking his medication too..?

Carl is a survivor and he will get through this too . He is in grief over the loss of a friend whom he has compassion and empathy for ... He is venting and your statement that he is coming across as a martyr is offensive and insensitive .     

Offline weasel

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #12 on: April 26, 2013, 10:33:16 AM »

    Thank you ALL   for your kind words .
    As we all know this HIV life can get to anyone , especially after we loose
   a friend  from AIDS .
   
     I am glad to have a group of  people that care so much  for so many
   and  have time for me too  :)

      I don't tend to dwell on HIV   daily , Sometimes that may be wrong ?

                                                  Weasel

   P.S.  Mecch , You and I think much alike  ;)
" Live and let Live "

Offline weasel

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #13 on: April 26, 2013, 10:45:52 AM »
I am sorry for your loss. I am also feeling very worried or rather afraid. Every time i hear someone dying from hiv i will think about myself. I am just afraid that i might be defeated by hiv at any second :(

  Hi Elkan ,
                     I know this is very new to you .  I have been in your shoes , but that was a long time ago .
   Please do not read into  this as   "  What will happen to me "  , You will be fine !
 
   I'm soon to be 59  :o   and have had HIV  half my life . 
    Today's new HIV Peeps will more than likely live   to a ripe old age and not suffer from maladies as
 some of us went for years with out MEDS and I am sure it did harm to our bodies  :-\

   But please Elkan  , Take your MEDS and be happy where ever you can find happy .

                                                                                                 Weasel

   P.S.  Feel free to PM me if you like  :)
" Live and let Live "

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #14 on: April 26, 2013, 10:47:46 AM »
I understand the point, but I'm still left with the feeling that the OP is coming across as a bit of a martyr. I mean, he's seemingly being critical of 'guys that give up', whilst at the same time questioning why he goes on with a 'life of hell'. Has the death of the friend made the OP consider forsaking his medication too..?

I describe a ruminative thought anyone might have watching someone die.  You really don't seem to get this.  Ok fine.  Don't see the point about the OP being a martyr.   Martyrs are killed for their religion or principals.  We don't know why the OP's friend chose this path. 

The OP mentions his own pain in living.  Yes, casually, martyr refers to people who "play the victim" due to constant suffering of some kind.  But there's no victimhood displayed here.  THe OP gives no agency to HIV.  Maybe his friend had some issues, though...

Maybe you are not the type to have ambivalent thoughts.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2013, 10:50:11 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jeff G

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #15 on: April 26, 2013, 10:55:10 AM »
I think it bests to let Carl have his thread and surround himself with all the support the forum has to offer .

Zohar , I'm asking you not to post in this thread again , its for the best because I would hate to see this thread turn into something it wasn't intended to be , thanks for your understanding and cooperation .

Offline aztecan

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #16 on: April 26, 2013, 11:42:39 AM »
Hey Carl,

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Having been in that position, I understand the feelings, both of loss and frustration, and probably some angst thrown in, that you are experiencing.

I will send peaceful energies to you.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Joe K

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #17 on: April 26, 2013, 12:18:20 PM »
    Thank you ALL   for your kind words .
    As we all know this HIV life can get to anyone , especially after we loose
   a friend  from AIDS .
   
     I am glad to have a group of  people that care so much  for so many
   and  have time for me too  :)

      I don't tend to dwell on HIV   daily , Sometimes that may be wrong ?

                                                  Weasel

Carl,

I believe it to be very healthy to not think about HIV, as often as I can.  At times like this, there will always be a major disconnect, between us dinosaurs with HIV and those infected within the past decade or so.  Our experiences are so vastly different, that words can seldom convey the true emotions and heartache involved.  Nobody, who experienced the early years of HIV, can have looked upon the death and destruction that it spawned and not have been changed.

Those changes have been internalized by LTS and are seen through a prism that usually points forward, as the past is often just too painful to remember.  What I would ask, of those who do not fully understand the comments of the OP, is to respect his words and feelings, as they are a part of who he is as a person and a direct result of why he is a LTS.

Joe
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

Offline anniebc

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #18 on: April 26, 2013, 04:38:07 PM »
Dearest Carl

Thinking about you from across the miles, know that you have good friends here who know what you are going through and will always be here for you.

I think it bests to let Carl have his thread and surround himself with all the support the forum has to offer .

Zohar , I'm asking you not to post in this thread again , its for the best because I would hate to see this thread turn into something it wasn't intended to be , thanks for your understanding and cooperation .

Thank you Jeff.

Aroha always to you and Carl
Jan :-*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Cojo

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #19 on: April 26, 2013, 08:36:53 PM »
Hi Carl,

My sorrow for your pain and the deep sorrow your friend must have had as his journey became more and more painful. All we can do is walk with each other in the pain; we cannot judge it, diminish it or take it away - we can just sit with it and perhaps find one of life's lessons in it or not.
Know how much I honor your experience - not just the one shared in this thread, but in all of the words of wisdom you so kindly share with us.

Joe
May 2011 - Tested Positive
June 2011 - CD4 330   16%   VL182,000 no resistance
Oct 6, 2011 - CD4 300  20%  VL 60,000
Oct 7, 2011 - start Truvada / Isentress
Nov 29, 2011 CD4 280 26% VL 54
Feb 7 2012 CD4 260 25% UD!
Mar 20 2012 CD4 400 28%
June 2012 CD4 330 26% UD
Sept 2012 CD4 450 32% UD
Dec 2012 CD4 310 28% UD
May 2013 CD4 500 32% UD
Oct 2013 CD4 460 33% UD

Offline Elkan

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #20 on: April 27, 2013, 12:41:56 AM »
  Hi Elkan ,
                     I know this is very new to you .  I have been in your shoes , but that was a long time ago .
   Please do not read into  this as   "  What will happen to me "  , You will be fine !
 
   I'm soon to be 59  :o   and have had HIV  half my life . 
    Today's new HIV Peeps will more than likely live   to a ripe old age and not suffer from maladies as
 some of us went for years with out MEDS and I am sure it did harm to our bodies  :-\

   But please Elkan  , Take your MEDS and be happy where ever you can find happy .

                                                                                                 Weasel

   P.S.  Feel free to PM me if you like  :)

Hey,
thank you for your words. it really calms me down :)
Be well and inspire me every day! in this phase of life, i think i really do need a lot of encouragement. one of the most blessing thing is that my family is with me, so i hope i will get better mentally and maybe physically day by day. :)

Offline Raf

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #21 on: April 27, 2013, 02:24:05 AM »
      I don't tend to dwell on HIV   daily , Sometimes that may be wrong ?

That's actually quite healthy, I wish I could do the same. Please take care man.
Dx: 05/14/2008
Latest HIV Meds combo I've been taking:

Kaletra + Combivir (since 05/16/2008 - today)

Offline OneTampa

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #22 on: April 27, 2013, 09:35:51 AM »
Carl,

I am so sorry to hear about your friend passing. I understand your grief completely. Also as one of the "dinosaurs" I connect with what Joe posted.

If there is any comfort, it is that you were there for your friend and did the best you could and that you are remembering him now that he has transitioned.

Take care of yourself.

Best to you.

"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline weasel

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #23 on: April 27, 2013, 10:58:24 AM »


   Thank You all ,
                         I think if I did not hear of a dear friend dying  in
  Las Vegas last week , This would not have hit so hard .

    My Las Vegas  girl friend died of cancer , we had known each other over
  40 years  :'(  We kept in touch  .   

   I tend to reminisce over my lost friends  for  awhile .  Two years ago my best
 friend dropped dead !  There was no good bye  .  I was in shock ! I grieved
her loss for well over a year , not sure I'm over it .  J. Used to worry about me !
 Then she got ill , got better , then boom !   died !

    It is Spring here in the woods , The  Rains have made for beautiful greenery
   and flowers are blooming , so I know life will go on ...
  Myself , I have always felt :  " Whatever condition I am in now , I will be that way for five more years "    . It works for me . 
 
                                                          Weasel  :-*
   
" Live and let Live "

Offline pozniceguy

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #24 on: April 27, 2013, 12:42:32 PM »
such  sad  news  Carl  deaths  so  close together are a real  blow  to the  feelings  of  mortality  we all face..... you are a  strong survivor....  remember the  good  times

my  deepest  feelings for your loss

Nick
remember the good times...honor the past but don't live there
Le stelle la notte sono grandie luminose, nel cuore profondo del Texas

Offline weasel

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #25 on: April 27, 2013, 03:23:44 PM »

    Thank you , Joe and Nick   and all !
" Live and let Live "

Offline Fisher

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Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #26 on: April 28, 2013, 07:11:41 PM »
Wease:

Have you recently gone outside, and just ”stopped” for a second, just feeling the radiant warmth of the sun on your face and arms, stop for a moment to feel how good that feels, listen for a moment to the commotion of bird songs, actually taste the tasteless water just drunk out of the garden hose?

So sorry... to feel your heaviness.

No one, well, perhaps some, but certainly not me, can really ever know. But my greatest suspicion is there is "not two," here, nor is there any true and real reason for fear and anxiety.  The choice to live or die, not really as it appears from our outside perspectives, and in the long run, consequentially indifferent.

My opinion is, in our best colors we chose to continue to live and love.  But my guess is that we SHINE in all colors and even sheer darkness, with all the colors and absolute darkness, simply differing shades of the same shining light.

Please take care of yourself!  Lots to look forward to! Maybe even making new friends!
« Last Edit: April 28, 2013, 07:24:09 PM by Fisher »
- fisher
04/08 CD 486 %23 VL <20
11/13 CD 351 %21  VL <20
10/13 CD 390 %16  VL <20
06/13 CD 315 %19  VL  22
02/13 CD 396 %14  VL <20
12/12 CD 392 %13  VL 320
11/12 CD 428 %13  VL 1200
*Started Meds: Atripla
10/12 CD 427 %11  VL 139000 -- 09/12 CD 408 %13 VL 92928
09/11 CD 745 %27 VL CLOT -- 10/10 CD 863 %29 VL 2782
10/09 CD 597 %30 VL 2537 -- 05/08 CD 809 %28 VL 1504
04/07 CD 797 %25 VL 3558 -- 11/06 CD 720 %28 VL 1214
06/05 CD 731 %25 VL 1575 -- 12/04 CD 1176 %30 VL 1329
01/04 CD 959 %26 VL 1011 -- 11/03 CD 1000 %28 VL 1581
12/02 CD 748 %28 -- 10/01 CD 860 %25
08/00 CD 1022 %28 -- 04/99 CD 854 %27
11/98 CD 899 %28 -- 02/97 CD 1400 %37
11/96 CD 1325  VL <500 -- 09/96 – Western Blot
05/83 – 04/98 - Monogamous Partner Being Negative
ARS - Los Angeles Dec '82

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,589
Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #27 on: April 30, 2013, 03:23:12 PM »

"   Have you recently gone outside, and just ”stopped” for a second, just feeling the radiant warmth of the sun on your face and arms, stop for a moment to feel how good that feels, listen for a moment to the commotion of bird songs, actually taste the tasteless water just drunk out of the garden hose? "

 Thanks for your kind words Fisher  :)

  I think most of my friends here know Bob and I live in the Ozarks of Missouri .
  I love the woods the birds the owls the snakes the turtles the Great dog we have , Watching the humming birds . Spotting new bird species  is always fun  ;)
   As for hose water , I drink wine  ;D

 I'm as close to nature as it gets .   
  Today we went out and bought a new grass mower  .   So I can be in touch with the ground .

                                                See you soon ,
                                                                      Weasel 
  P.s. Standing  at the grave site under a wonderful Dogwood I was struck by the
  fact none of his friends were there ???   Later one even told me " We could be outed "   , Just a very sad thing . I was glad I put my hand on Jackie's Box and said good-bye  :-*

P. P.s.  I worship the Sun   8)
         Spending hours floating in the pool is my idea of fun too !
" Live and let Live "

Offline LiveWithIt

  • Member
  • Posts: 377
Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #28 on: April 30, 2013, 04:57:47 PM »
If you know someone like this reach out to them.  Invite them over for dinner or ask if you can stop by and bring dinner over to them and then rent a DVD and enjoy some time together. 
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline water duck

  • Member
  • Posts: 397
Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #29 on: April 30, 2013, 06:40:44 PM »
.......it is ofcourse very sad that today, where the progress of meds had made , and living in a country where it is available , someone would prefer to deny themselves that.

Weasel, it is difficult for a third person to feel your pains , as we did not have the opportunity to be party of what was shared between you , he had decided to do so, and therefore he had found his PEACE, let him GO and let his peace be YOUR's now.
Let the pains GO , but let the sweet memories remain.

Wd

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,589
Re: DEAD ..... because the pills were to BIG !
« Reply #30 on: May 01, 2013, 09:50:06 AM »


    Good Points  ,
                       Thank  You all .

    I will move on ................   Life goes on with many bumps .

                                                 Weasel

     
" Live and let Live "

 


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