Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

Didn't realize how having HIV affected me

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wow1969:
I was diagnosed in 2008 and infectedby my ex. We broke up in 2007. He admitted to lying about things to me. In September he died from HIV complications.

Recently I figured out that I have all these fears about being poz. I seem to have developed depression and anxiety (on meds now and seeing a therapist) and have trouble dealing with stress.

I'm hoping that no one decides to launch an attack against me for what I"m about to write.

Honestly, I didn't realize it but I've been paralyzed since finding out. Intellectually I've been able to understand this and make sense of it but emotionally it's been a different story.

The fear kept me in an abusive relationship for 4 years because I was/am convinced I'm now damaged goods.

The fear of dying/unemployed/broke kept me in a job I hate which has done nothing but bring misery to my life.

The belief that I'm damaged has led me to become isolated.

The isolation has started it's own batch of fears ... What if I die? Get hurt? etc ...

I can't shake the feeling/thought that I now have this ticking time bomb inside of me ... Why try anything because my future is very limited.

As much as I hate to admit this, becoming poz literally changed the way I see myself.

People can say all day long that it's just a virus and not a judgement and my mind understands and agrees with that. But emotionally I feel so different now. I think I've become scared to live.

I finally got to the point where I can't take being sad/depressed/miserable anylonger. I want to be happy again. Hopefully I'm working toward that but how do I shake these fears and beliefs?

darryaz:
Well my dear, recognizing the problem is the first step to conquering it!!!!   :)

mitch777:

--- Quote from: wow1969 on April 04, 2013, 04:06:34 PM ---I was diagnosed in 2008 and infectedby my ex. We broke up in 2007. He admitted to lying about things to me. In September he died from HIV complications.

Recently I figured out that I have all these fears about being poz. I seem to have developed depression and anxiety (on meds now and seeing a therapist) and have trouble dealing with stress.

I'm hoping that no one decides to launch an attack against me for what I"m about to write.

Honestly, I didn't realize it but I've been paralyzed since finding out. Intellectually I've been able to understand this and make sense of it but emotionally it's been a different story.

The fear kept me in an abusive relationship for 4 years because I was/am convinced I'm now damaged goods.

The fear of dying/unemployed/broke kept me in a job I hate which has done nothing but bring misery to my life.

The belief that I'm damaged has led me to become isolated.

The isolation has started it's own batch of fears ... What if I die? Get hurt? etc ...

I can't shake the feeling/thought that I now have this ticking time bomb inside of me ... Why try anything because my future is very limited.

As much as I hate to admit this, becoming poz literally changed the way I see myself.

People can say all day long that it's just a virus and not a judgement and my mind understands and agrees with that. But emotionally I feel so different now. I think I've become scared to live.

I finally got to the point where I can't take being sad/depressed/miserable anylonger. I want to be happy again. Hopefully I'm working toward that but how do I shake these fears and beliefs?

--- End quote ---

Wow,

thanks for your honesty!

no launch of an attack will be coming your way from me (and doubtfully anyone else here).

Are you still in an abusive relationship?
If so, that would be the first thing I would deal with.

If that is over and done with, I would suggest looking for a job that doesn't add stress to your life in a negative way.
I know it seems as though I am suggesting the obvious but making changes in these 2 key areas of your life will help with a better outlook.

I thought I would be dead from hiv when I was much younger and still went forward with what I thought would make ME happy.
If you focus in on what you enjoy in life the fear doesn't have room any longer.

I know.....
easy-peezy. ::)

Just try to take a step forward in the things that put you in a better emotional place.

I am not a wizard but I understand your fears.
Change what you can in your life and realize that this ugly little virus does not control you. :)

m.

buginme2:
While everyone's specific circumstances may be different I can assure you, you are not alone.

Talking helps.  It's good to hear your seeing a therapist.  Keep going, sometimes it can take awhile to move past that dialog in our heads that often times is self destructive and limiting.

anyone who would say that they don't get scared Is lying.  I have felt some of the things you have said, I think we all have.  It's good to talk about it.

wow1969:

--- Quote from: mitch777 on April 04, 2013, 06:00:52 PM ---
Are you still in an abusive relationship?
If so, that would be the first thing I would deal with.

If that is over and done with, I would suggest looking for a job that doesn't add stress to your life in a negative way.
I know it seems as though I am suggesting the obvious but making changes in these 2 key areas of your life will help with a better outlook.

I thought I would be dead from hiv when I was much younger and still went forward with what I thought would make ME happy.
If you focus in on what you enjoy in life the fear doesn't have room any longer.



--- End quote ---

Thanks ... Yes it's obvious but I didn't see it for a long long time ... Sometimes we miss the obvious .. 

Yes been out of it for 19 months ...

Working on the job situation ...

I agree ... I started challenging this mindset a few weeks ago when a friend said I had alot of internal stigmitization about being poz ... I agreed with him quickly .. Over the next few days I realized he was right ... Emotionally I've never come to terms with this ...

Finally I realized that all I want is to be happy ... And that is where I'm starting from ...

But figuring out how to change the emotional side of how I react to being poz has been really difficult ... The logical side gets it ... but my emotions, those things are still running scared ...



--- Quote from: buginme2 on April 04, 2013, 07:01:33 PM ---anyone who would say that they don't get scared Is lying.  I have felt some of the things you have said, I think we all have.  It's good to talk about it.

--- End quote ---

thank you for this ... i've had too many say they were never bothered by becoming poz ... so few will admit that it's scary at time ...

When I found out I was poz I had four days to process and then life took over again and hasn't really stopped until the last year .... Never really had time to get the emotions worked out regarding this and it seems now that those emotions are demanding attention ...

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