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Author Topic: Coming out  (Read 1950 times)

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Offline gadawg1979

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Coming out
« on: March 28, 2013, 09:51:44 PM »
Okay I have burnt down the closet about being gay and all the friends and family accept us as a couple.  When do you come out as Positive??? I am in a serodiscordent relationship. The thing is at over a year on meds and healthy I am fucking sick of making excuses as to why I am all the sudden better and think that people need a reality check.
Diagnosed March 2012
Initial CD4- 156 VL 200K (started Complera) Genotype test no resistance
First labs on meds CD4- 246 VL 2K Taken after 30 days on Complera
90 Day labs VL 306 No CD4 Drawn
8/21/2012 CD4 474 VL Undetectable (40) %20.6
11/27/2012 CD 4 522 VL Undetectable (40)
2/14/2013 CD 4 464 VL Undetecable (30) 19.6%
6/8/3013 CD 4 528 VL Undetectable (30)
9/24/2013 CD 4 546 VL Undetectable (40)
1/30/2014 CD4 560 VL Undetectable (40) 22 %
6/19/2014 CD4 584 Vl Undetecable (30)

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,507
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Coming out
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2013, 11:08:03 PM »
You explained the pros of disclosing.  But you haven't mentioned the cons... Which are?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline gadawg1979

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Coming out
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2013, 12:17:37 AM »
I have not have a negative as to far... But am wondering what I will face with then oh by the way I am HIV Poz...
Diagnosed March 2012
Initial CD4- 156 VL 200K (started Complera) Genotype test no resistance
First labs on meds CD4- 246 VL 2K Taken after 30 days on Complera
90 Day labs VL 306 No CD4 Drawn
8/21/2012 CD4 474 VL Undetectable (40) %20.6
11/27/2012 CD 4 522 VL Undetectable (40)
2/14/2013 CD 4 464 VL Undetecable (30) 19.6%
6/8/3013 CD 4 528 VL Undetectable (30)
9/24/2013 CD 4 546 VL Undetectable (40)
1/30/2014 CD4 560 VL Undetectable (40) 22 %
6/19/2014 CD4 584 Vl Undetecable (30)

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,507
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Coming out
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2013, 12:46:48 AM »
I guessing you posted here because you are hesitating. We don't know your situation so help us out by listing the pros and cons.

I think the standard rationale for disclosing is that its useful or necessary to the HIV+ person. 

You mention two complaints about others - they expect explanations for why you recovered (so I guess, you were pretty sick at one point?), and they need a "reality check". 

How does disclosing help you? You bf? 

And as for the others....  In what way would the "reality check" help your relatives? Conversely, would it stir up a pot of trouble, or needlessly worry anyone?  Based on what you posted here, which is so short and terse, it doesn't sound like want want to bother with any education on the matter, after a possible disclosure. Maybe I'm wrong. 

Anyway, that's fine too, if you just want to lob it at someone, its your prerogative.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Common_ground

  • Member
  • Posts: 288
Re: Coming out
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2013, 01:10:34 AM »

I think the standard rationale for disclosing is that its useful or necessary to the HIV+ person. 


Im following this discussion. Dont want to steal the thread but the above hit home with me and to be honest it is troubling when HIV is on my mind but I feel I shouldnt speak out because it can come back at me. Living with this fear, keeping a secret, can really tear you down.

But maybe this urge to disclose change with time?
2011 May - Neg.
2012 June CD4:205, 16% VL:2676 Start Truvada/Stocrin
2012 July  CD4:234, 18% VL:88
2012 Sep  CD4:238, 17% VL:UD
2013 Feb  CD4:257, 24% VL:UD -viramune/truvada
2013 May CD4:276, 26% VL:UD

Offline gadawg1979

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Coming out
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2013, 01:32:17 AM »
My partner and I will be on a cruise with my Parents in May.. I am thinking this will be the time.  To answer the things posted earlier. Yes I was very sick when I tested positive. I was in fact one of the few that got the you are HIV positive and you have AIDS all at the same time.
Diagnosed March 2012
Initial CD4- 156 VL 200K (started Complera) Genotype test no resistance
First labs on meds CD4- 246 VL 2K Taken after 30 days on Complera
90 Day labs VL 306 No CD4 Drawn
8/21/2012 CD4 474 VL Undetectable (40) %20.6
11/27/2012 CD 4 522 VL Undetectable (40)
2/14/2013 CD 4 464 VL Undetecable (30) 19.6%
6/8/3013 CD 4 528 VL Undetectable (30)
9/24/2013 CD 4 546 VL Undetectable (40)
1/30/2014 CD4 560 VL Undetectable (40) 22 %
6/19/2014 CD4 584 Vl Undetecable (30)

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,374
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: Coming out
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2013, 07:54:54 AM »
My partner and I will be on a cruise with my Parents in May.. I am thinking this will be the time.  To answer the things posted earlier. Yes I was very sick when I tested positive. I was in fact one of the few that got the you are HIV positive and you have AIDS all at the same time.

While you have to be the one to make this decision -- I am going to pose a question to you on timing.

Why would you want to do it while on vacation?  It will likely cause you some stress as you "wait for the right time" to bring it up. If your parents need some processing time (and they likely will), it will impact their vacation also.  Why not bring it up a couple weeks prior, if possible.  Then it is all out there and you all can focus on enjoying your cruise.  It will also give your parents a chance to see that you doing well.
At any rate -- it is your decision as to if and when -- I don't know you or your parents, so this is just some food for thought.

BTW -- I have told my entire family -- but no one on my partner's side knows my status (he is neg).  This is his choice, and while I may not agree or understand, I respect it.

Good luck -- whatever you do.

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,621
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Coming out
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2013, 09:24:24 AM »
Okay I have burnt down the closet about being gay and all the friends and family accept us as a couple.  When do you come out as Positive??? I am in a serodiscordent relationship. The thing is at over a year on meds and healthy I am fucking sick of making excuses as to why I am all the sudden better and think that people need a reality check.

While I can appreciate your frustration with your situation, I think your attitude about folks needing a reality check should be reconsidered.  Even with the little you have shared, it's quite obvious that keeping this secret is eating at you, which is understandable, however, it's your problem to solve, and it's counter-productive to be angry at folks who care deeply for you.

How might you feel, if someone very close to you, kept such information from you?  In fact, you seem to be angry at these folks because they worry about you and care about your health and well being.  It's not their fault that you are poz or that you got so ill as to worry those who care about you, so why are you so angry?  I really think you need to think this through and I agree with Mike that sharing such information, especially during a family vacation would be one of the most selfish things you could do.

I would hope your goal here is to share your plight with your family and to do it in a way, that would be the least disruptive as possible.  As a parent, I can assure you that your parents are going to need some time to process this news and it's your responsibility to tell them in a way that considers their feelings, as well as your own.

Joe

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Coming out
« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2013, 11:00:43 PM »
Hi,

First, thanks for sharing  your concerns. Coming out is not easy. We all know that one way or the other. My deepest sympathies to you as it seems that you are struggling with it very much. Otherwise, I guess you would have not posted this.

I agree with other the poster that 'vacation' time might not be the best time to disclose. For any parents or siblings or family, it is harder to accept the news right off the bet mostly because it concerns health, stigma etc. If you are comfortable disclosing your status to them, I would find it a different time and place. But, you know your parents, how educated they are about HIV etc.

I have told my family ( Brothers) and they took it well mostly because they love me. Initially, I hesitated a lot ( for a very long time). There is no standard timeline for anyone  to come out.  Its you who would decide when is the best time for you to disclose to your family.

Good luck to you.

Offline gadawg1979

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Coming out
« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2013, 12:23:09 AM »
You all are great as always. Now I am rethinking. It's is something I need to tell them. Maybe a nice dinner chat a week or so before and use the vacation time to Nash things out ? Thoughts ?
Diagnosed March 2012
Initial CD4- 156 VL 200K (started Complera) Genotype test no resistance
First labs on meds CD4- 246 VL 2K Taken after 30 days on Complera
90 Day labs VL 306 No CD4 Drawn
8/21/2012 CD4 474 VL Undetectable (40) %20.6
11/27/2012 CD 4 522 VL Undetectable (40)
2/14/2013 CD 4 464 VL Undetecable (30) 19.6%
6/8/3013 CD 4 528 VL Undetectable (30)
9/24/2013 CD 4 546 VL Undetectable (40)
1/30/2014 CD4 560 VL Undetectable (40) 22 %
6/19/2014 CD4 584 Vl Undetecable (30)

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Coming out
« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2013, 04:18:39 AM »
You all are great as always. Now I am rethinking. It's is something I need to tell them. Maybe a nice dinner chat a week or so before and use the vacation time to Nash things out ? Thoughts ?

I'd give them more than a week to digest this information.

Speaking as a parent, I would be devastated if my daughter kept news like this from me. I hope you find the courage to tell them sooner rather than later. They love you now, and they'll still love you afterwards. Trust me on that. They may be shocked at first (hence giving them more than a week), but when they realise how well you're doing, it will all come right.

Take a deep breath and tell them.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline gadawg1979

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Coming out
« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2013, 04:34:29 AM »
I'd give them more than a week to digest this information.

Speaking as a parent, I would be devastated if my daughter kept news like this from me. I hope you find the courage to tell them sooner rather than later. They love you now, and they'll still love you afterwards. Trust me on that. They may be shocked at first (hence giving them more than a week), but when they realise how well you're doing, it will all come right.

Take a deep breath and tell them.

Ann

Thanks Ann,

I am just at a road block. Easter is past Mother's Day is soon and the vacation cruise is may 26. Time is not in my favor. I could wait until after but well I am ready for this to be in the open. Arrgghhh just more stress lol
Diagnosed March 2012
Initial CD4- 156 VL 200K (started Complera) Genotype test no resistance
First labs on meds CD4- 246 VL 2K Taken after 30 days on Complera
90 Day labs VL 306 No CD4 Drawn
8/21/2012 CD4 474 VL Undetectable (40) %20.6
11/27/2012 CD 4 522 VL Undetectable (40)
2/14/2013 CD 4 464 VL Undetecable (30) 19.6%
6/8/3013 CD 4 528 VL Undetectable (30)
9/24/2013 CD 4 546 VL Undetectable (40)
1/30/2014 CD4 560 VL Undetectable (40) 22 %
6/19/2014 CD4 584 Vl Undetecable (30)

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Coming out
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2013, 04:56:52 AM »
Thanks Ann,

I am just at a road block. Easter is past Mother's Day is soon and the vacation cruise is may 26. Time is not in my favor. I could wait until after but well I am ready for this to be in the open. Arrgghhh just more stress lol

You're making excuses now. You've got all of April to take care of this.

Again, speaking as a parent and more specifically as a mother, the best Mother's Day present my child could give me is the gift of openness and honesty. My daughter is an adult, nearly 26, but she'll always be my baby, and I'll always be her mother. And that means I want - need - to be there for her when the going gets tough/serious. I'm sure your parents feel the same. It's a pretty much universal parent thing.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline gadawg1979

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Coming out
« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2013, 06:00:38 AM »
You're making excuses now. You've got all of April to take care of this.

Again, speaking as a parent and more specifically as a mother, the best Mother's Day present my child could give me is the gift of openness and honesty. My daughter is an adult, nearly 26, but she'll always be my baby, and I'll always be her mother. And that means I want - need - to be there for her when the going gets tough/serious. I'm sure your parents feel the same. It's a pretty much universal parent thing.

Thanks Ann I will work it out and let you know
Diagnosed March 2012
Initial CD4- 156 VL 200K (started Complera) Genotype test no resistance
First labs on meds CD4- 246 VL 2K Taken after 30 days on Complera
90 Day labs VL 306 No CD4 Drawn
8/21/2012 CD4 474 VL Undetectable (40) %20.6
11/27/2012 CD 4 522 VL Undetectable (40)
2/14/2013 CD 4 464 VL Undetecable (30) 19.6%
6/8/3013 CD 4 528 VL Undetectable (30)
9/24/2013 CD 4 546 VL Undetectable (40)
1/30/2014 CD4 560 VL Undetectable (40) 22 %
6/19/2014 CD4 584 Vl Undetecable (30)

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Coming out
« Reply #14 on: April 01, 2013, 06:41:07 AM »
Thanks Ann I will work it out and let you know

You're welcome.

Keep this in mind;

If you tell them in fear and loathing, they will hear it with fear and loathing.

If you tell them in love and acceptance, they will hear it with love and acceptance.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline gadawg1979

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Coming out
« Reply #15 on: April 11, 2013, 11:32:42 PM »
You're welcome.

Keep this in mind;

If you tell them in fear and loathing, they will hear it with fear and loathing.

If you tell them in love and acceptance, they will hear it with love and acceptance.

Ann there was a long chat at our house this night about this subject as we are a serodent couple... The agrement is that is will happen before the trip
Diagnosed March 2012
Initial CD4- 156 VL 200K (started Complera) Genotype test no resistance
First labs on meds CD4- 246 VL 2K Taken after 30 days on Complera
90 Day labs VL 306 No CD4 Drawn
8/21/2012 CD4 474 VL Undetectable (40) %20.6
11/27/2012 CD 4 522 VL Undetectable (40)
2/14/2013 CD 4 464 VL Undetecable (30) 19.6%
6/8/3013 CD 4 528 VL Undetectable (30)
9/24/2013 CD 4 546 VL Undetectable (40)
1/30/2014 CD4 560 VL Undetectable (40) 22 %
6/19/2014 CD4 584 Vl Undetecable (30)

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Coming out
« Reply #16 on: April 12, 2013, 07:56:48 AM »
Ann there was a long chat at our house this night about this subject as we are a serodent couple... The agrement is that is will happen before the trip

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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