Main Forums > I Just Tested Poz

My boyfriend gave me HIV and I just found out how

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Ann:

--- Quote from: emeraldize on March 24, 2013, 01:01:51 PM ---
I tried to clarify that it was not my intent to read as mean-spirited and not to read as judging harshly without additionally stating that as well.


--- End quote ---

Sorry, Em, my fault. Your post came up when I hit preview to proof-read and I guess I read it faster than I should have.

I think we also have two different men in our mind's eye - I'm seeing an occasional user and you're seeing an addict. ("That's an addict's way of explaining something.") We were posting from our gut response to what had been written.

Maybe the truth is somewhere in-between?

Betterdays, what are your gut feelings about him?

Also wishing you all the best,

Ann

Casinokiwi:
Betterdays,
I agree with the others, you are the only one that can make the decision.  You are in a very emotional and conflicted state and sometimes stepping out of the situation can give you perspective.  That may mean visiting family for a week or a couple month separation that allows you to compose yourself and your thoughts. 

I was diagnosed last October and I had to disclose a sexual addiction to my wife in the same day I found out about HIV.  I am forever grateful that my wife did not get infected but I made some poor choices and crushed the spirit of the woman I love more than the world. 

Long story short, my divorce should be final next week.  I would have done anything to make the marriage work but my wife couldn't get over the betrayal she felt. 

The reason for disclosing this to you is because I believe HIV can be a wake up call for folks struggling with poor decisions (such as myself or your boyfriend).  Saying that, it is all contingent on you being able to forgive him and his willingness to change his lifestyle.   In my case the lifestyle changes I was willing to give couldn't compensate enough for my wife to forgive me. 

You are very articulate and bright (especially for seeking out this site).  You will be successful with life and this diagnosis whatever decision you happen upon.  Good luck!

betterdaysahead22:
Thank you everyone, I am incredibly touched by all the support you have given. What I should have mentioned was that my boyfriend has not used any drugs since the incident without my permission, and even then he has only used acid once. He's given up speed for life, and has always been honest to me throughout the entire relationship - even when the answer could mean that i broke up with him, such as above (he brought it up and said it had been bothering him and he thought he might have figured it out).

He's trying, I know he is, but in some ways he's so immature and he'll just be despondent, other times he'll just cry and try to justify it. He said he was going to try to make it up to me but so far it's been like trying to talk to a brick wall.

emeraldize I wasn't offended at all, I thought deeply about what you said. I don't think I provided enough information though, he's not a bad person or a drug addict he just made a stupid mistake. This was the only time he ever injected drugs. I am still having trust issues though - I no longer trust his ability to judge people's character or to not accidentally put me in danger.

Ann, I have to admit I clung to your response instantly. I empathise with all you've gone through, and I hope someday we can be as happy as the two of you are. I know there's no 10 step program, but how did you work through it? Also my gut feeling is that although he's not addicted he still really likes taking drugs occasionally, which i abhor (i've become really sensitive to it whereas in the past I took acid and MDMA occasionally also).

Casinokiwi, I'm really sorry about your loss. I think you were really brave to tell your wife, and I regret that she couldn't get past it. But I was hoping to know (if this is too invasive a question I understand), what were you thinking when you did what you did to contract this? I'm trying to get into my boyfriend's head space, and I just can't understand how someone could not even think of someone they supposedly love when doing something so dangerous. I'm sorry if that sounded judgmental, please don't take it as such I'm just trying to understand.

Thank you generally for welcoming me to this community too, by the way!

Ann:

--- Quote from: betterdaysahead22 on March 25, 2013, 03:19:38 AM ---
Ann, I have to admit I clung to your response instantly. I empathise with all you've gone through, and I hope someday we can be as happy as the two of you are. I know there's no 10 step program, but how did you work through it? Also my gut feeling is that although he's not addicted he still really likes taking drugs occasionally, which i abhor (i've become really sensitive to it whereas in the past I took acid and MDMA occasionally also).


--- End quote ---

My partner wasn't infected through drugs, he was infected through his love of women's bodies. 'Nuff said. - Well, other than he always treated any women he was with with respect.

How did we work through it? We first got together 20 years ago. We were apart for several years, during which time we were diagnosed in February 2001. With hindsight, I knew I became poz four years previously. We didn't get back together until 2007. (I was in another relationship when diagnosed - he was and is hiv negative.)

In other words, we have a long and complicated history. I guess we were just meant to be together, whatever life threw at us.

I do have drug experience myself though (him, not so much), back in my wild youth. I ended up with hep C - but I've done the treatment and was one of the lucky ones to have a sustained response (cure) to the treatment.

I should have also said yesterday that he needs to be screened for hep B as well as hep C. Hep B is also often transmitted through needle sharing.

You and your partner might benefit from couple's counselling. It doesn't really sound as though he'd be a candidate for drug rehab, but counselling is a good idea.



Casinokiwi:
Casinokiwi, I'm really sorry about your loss. I think you were really brave to tell your wife, and I regret that she couldn't get past it. But I was hoping to know (if this is too invasive a question I understand), what were you thinking when you did what you did to contract this? I'm trying to get into my boyfriend's head space, and I just can't understand how someone could not even think of someone they supposedly love when doing something so dangerous. I'm sorry if that sounded judgmental, please don't take it as such I'm just trying to understand.

Thank you generally for welcoming me to this community too, by the way!
[/quote]


It's okay...  Lately I am getting pretty used to being judged and I actually understand what insight you hope to gain.

The short answer is that I wasn't thinking about my wife or family when I was acting on an impulse.   Its really hard to explain my situation...  I am still coming to terms with the idea of having an addiction but when I was acting out the addiction I was actually replacing hard emotional stuff with this detrimental behavior.  For some reason when I did that I was able to feel good and forget about dealing with "real life".  I literally have just started to understand this and it is quite embarrassing to admit.

Based on what you have told us I think your boyfriend was acting on impulse and made a silly choice that you two now have to live with.  I hope you will be able to understand that when he did this I can guarantee he wasn't thinking about hurting you.  He was acting on impulse and had a lapse in judgement. 

I wish this was all easier for you but wether or not you stay in the relationship I think it is important to realize that this had everything to do with his desires and nothing to do with you.   At least that is my opinion. 

Good luck!

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