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My boyfriend gave me HIV and I just found out how

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betterdaysahead22:
I could really appreciate a fresh perspective on this. My boyfriend and I tested positive 4 months ago, but for the whole time he's been adament that he doesn't know how we got it. I was faithful and have never used hard drugs, so I was dubious as to how I could be at fault, but I put it out of my mind and focused on coming to terms with being HIV positive.

Things got very bad, but as of two days ago they had evened out, and we were as in love and happy as we were before diagnosis. Then we started talking about this night that he injected speed while I was gone. I'd know about this, but the way he described it there was a clean needle involved both times that night, and this was the only time he'd seen the guy. As we talked and he started doubting himself, it came out that he'd taken speed twice before with this guy, who he met literally on the street outside his apartment building. This "scary looking guy" gave him the speed for free every time, but the last time it turned out he disappeared from the room and returned with the needle that he gave my boyfriend, so he didn't actually see him open a clean packet.

As the truth kind of dawned on us I realised the implications of everything, and realised that the drugs he took occasionally that i hated had, as i feared, messed up our lives.

I'm so, so conflicted. I love this man as I have never loved anyone, and he is good to me and kind and loyal apart from this one incredibly stupid mistake. He's sorry and he's trying to make it up to me, but I just can't get past this act of complete thoughtlessness and carelessness. Excuse the cliche but i literally cannot believe that he's done this to me.

I'd really, really appreciate hearing some stories like mine, and to know whether its possible to stay together after something like this. My heart is breaking and I don't know where to turn.

mecch:
I am sorry you both find yourself in this situation. Really, only you two can decide if you are going to stay together.  in a relationship, there come times where one person does a risky stupid thing, goes badly and that person pays the price, and the price effects the relation. Other times, one person does a risky think and two people pay the price together. Other times, if there are kids, one person can put the entire family into risk and then damage it, over a mistake or stupid decision..

Sounds like he has a drug problem because he hurt himself and you to get the drugs he wants.  So you need to decide if you want to be afraid of the next problem that is going to arrive, because of the drugs.

If you don't want to live in fear - that means he quits drugs, or you break up. Are there other ways he takes too much risk, or shows poor judgement about risk, in your opinion?  Maybe hes not aware of his poor decisions, and needs a slap in the face wake up call and things will be better.  Or, maybe he's just like that, impulsive and reckless.

As for the HIV - well whats done is done. Lots of couples get over a HIV diagnosis, but some don't.  It's really up to you.

emeraldize:
"it came out that he'd taken speed twice before with this guy, who he met literally on the street outside his apartment building. This "scary looking guy" gave him the speed for free every time, but the last time it turned out he disappeared from the room and returned with the needle that he gave my boyfriend, so he didn't actually see him open a clean packet."

It is this part of your boyfriend's story that, if he were my boyfriend, I couldn't get past. It doesn't hang together. Here's how I would process this. Who takes speed from a scary-looking guy on the street outside the place where one lives once, let alone more than once? That's an addict's way of explaining something. Reads like a story, a lie.  So, I go from there to what else hasn't he told me?  I don't intend that this come across as mean-spirited, but you asked for a fresh perspective.

You love this guy and that will blur your ability to interpret clearly. I suspect there are multiple issues here and therefore, multiple ways in which he may have contracted it including from a human.

No one wants to read a new person's story here --  no one. You're grappling with a lot -- the diagnosis, the howwhodunnit's and forecasting your future.

Protect yourself, in every way you can think of. Economically, if you're funding him. Physically, if you're having sex and he might be doing other people cuz if you can avoid an STI that cuts down on a little more misery. Legally, if he's doing speed with strangers, what else does he do? What does he bring home in his pocket? Are you running the risk of the cops showing up at his and/or your door?

Protecting yourself emotionally will give you time to think critically. You started that step here. Hope things go well as you move forward.

Em

Ann:
Hi Betterdays, welcome to the forums.

I also acquired hiv from the man who was, is and always will be the "love of my life".

The circumstances of how it came about between the two of us is different to your circumstances, but we do have one thing in common - neither of our men knew they had hiv when they transmitted it to us.

Both of our men knew they were doing things that could lead to hiv infection, but unfortunately in the straight community (in particular), there is this idea that "it would never happen to me!"

And so here we are.

I loved my man before hiv and I love him now. I can't imagine ever loving another man with the same depth. The only love in my life that even comes close is the love I have for my daughter (from a previous relationship). It's that deep, that unfathomable, that unconditional.

If you both have the same depth of love for each other, then you can work through this. If you fear on-going drug use is going to be an issue, try to get him into drug-rehab treatment.

And speaking of drug use, have you both also been tested for hepatitis C? Hep C is more often transmitted during needle-sharing than hiv, so it's a real concern for the both of you.

Actually, it's more of a concern for him, as hep C is rarely transmitted during vaginal intercourse.

If his drug use is on-going and he is currently testing hep C negative, he needs to be aware that he could become infected with hep C if he is not vigilant about not sharing needles. He does NOT want hiv/hcv coinfection.

Today's hiv treatment is a walk in the park, a day at the seaside, all-your-birthdays-at-once kind of thing compared to hep C treatment. (One major difference - although hep C treatment is a bitch, it's a bitch that cures many but not all people.)

Em has just posted while I've been typing, and while I know Em is a very wise, compassionate and intelligent woman, I have a feeling she's judging your partner a little harshly.

It sounds to me like your man's drug use is more of an occasional thing - an occasional lapse of reason and good judgement. We all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are incredibly stupid, inexplicable mistakes that carry consequences we never gave a thought to in the heat of the moment. We've all done it; it's called being human.

Only you can decide where you take your relationship from here, but I can tell you that true, unconditional love can overcome an awful lot. If your man has that same love for you that you have for him, he will move heaven and earth to learn from his mistake and become a better person for it. For your sake if nothing else, because true, unconditional love is like that.

I'd be inclined to give him a chance, but as Em wisely says, make sure you protect yourself as well.

Good luck and please do keep us posted. We care - we're a bit like a family here. (And just like any family, we have our spats and the strange aunts and uncles and other weird family dynamics, but at the end of the day we DO all care about each other and will help out in any way we can.)

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

emeraldize:
Hey ho

I tried to clarify that it was not my intent to read as mean-spirited and not to read as judging harshly without additionally stating that as well.

This is the ticklish part of emails, forums, language. You gave us your view. A limited amount of info.  I dunno if you are male or female but Ann is referring to you as female so perhaps she's got the skinny down.

Anyhoo I did not tell you anything different than I would tell a relative or friend. Something doesn't add up as I read your post.

Wishing you all the best in navigating.

Em

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