LTS & alone - how does one keep going?

[rwt44102]

I'm a LTS [24+ years]. I've "been there" since Day One, sorta…living in the Midwest-Ohio, AIDS took longer to get here.
Having been an AIDS activist; volunteered on HIV services council; volunteered w/ gay non-profit, etc.
I'm wondering; how does you live alone [no friends - family is distant], on disability/fixed income - no car…how do you keep from losing your mind? Suggestions?

[Jeff G]

Hi Rwt . I once asked that same question and then I found this forum . I credit the forum for saving a little bit of my mind that I was loosing for the living isolated , broke and feeling like I was the only one on the planet .

I hear what you are saying and I understand how hard it must be for you to find a way out of the isolation , so while you are working on a way forward , please know that there are always people here that are willing and able to lend an ear and offer support .

Im wishing you the best . Hugs , Jeff .

[Fisher]

You're a good man, RTW!

[leatherman]

wherebouts in Ohio, RWT? several members are in Ohio, and I left Canton/Cleveland just a couple yrs ago and moved back to SC. When I was in Canton, I was the oldest person still living with HIV (out of a handful of 85 or so PLWHA). It was pretty lonely after all my friends and partners passed away.

I credit the forum for saving a little bit of my mind that I was loosing for the living isolated , broke and feeling like I was the only one on the planet .

I think quite a few of us LTSes came here and found a place to hang because of those same feelings. It's why I'm here.  Hopefully, you'll find some camaraderie here too RWT.

[harleymc]

Hey RWT
 welcome.

 

how do you keep from losing your mind?

I'm the last person to ask. But at least when I lose my keys I can usually find them within a few hours.

[wolfter]

Welcome from a fellow Ohioan.  Isolation is almost a distant reminder of this virus.  As we watched our entire rural communities dying, we didn't have the "big city" status to do anything.  We watched our loved ones die horrific deaths, and some of us became numb to that hurt and pain.

But, I truly believe that all of the LTS's have a unique ability to fight.  I also hope you'll find inspiration here like I have.  I came here in my darkest period and have mostly figured out how to move on and have an enjoyable life.  This is my wish for you this late evening also.

[Dar58]

RWT It's very difficult when you find yourself isolated and alone. I live in the country far from any neighbors. My son went off to college and a few months later my husband went into the hospital and died from Toxoplasmosis and multiple other infections, that's when I learned I was pos. Suddenly I was alone and my health was deteriorating fast.I had to stop working and all I had were my dogs and cats. I think they were what kept me going, I had to take care of them and they took care of me in a way. I began to write and paint, I wrote 2 novels and painted gourds as xmas ornaments, anything i could do without exerting myself too much as I was losing weight constantly despite eating as much as I could fit in (there was only AZT back then) more folks came into my life, there was a support group for a while, but 2 moved away and the rest died. I've had many people ask me how do you live alone with this, all I can say is that I always have interests and things I want to get done, but I also hosted health chats on AOL for 5 years, so that added some human contact and support. I do drive so that gives me the ability to go places. I hope this helps , at least to know that there are people who understand.

[jm1953]

Totally get where you are coming from.  Without getting into my specifics, I will say we have much in common.  Many times I wanted to just give up, but some inner strength kept pushing me along.  This forum has helped me tremendously as I hope it helps you.  Welcome, and remember you are never really alone.

Hugs,

Jeff

[aztecan]

I also live in a rural area, except mine is in New Mexico. The early years here were the worst, because everyone kept passing away with this.

I guess, now that I am going on 28 years officially with the bug, the only thing I can offer is to try to reach out to those you can.

This is a great site, as others have said. I found a lot of support here when I first arrived, and I really needed it.

Many here have now become fast friends, and are very dear to me.

So, try hanging around and see if you don't find this to be a nice place to begin to overcome the isolation you are feeling.

HUGS,

Mark

[MarcoPoz]

rwt,

How far from Detroit?  I think a peer-supported road trip is in order if you're interested.

[livingmmy9lives]

This is something I can really relate to. My partner & I spend a lot of time alone because we don't have a lot of money to spend  and no car. Also people who are not long-term survivors don't understand what we go through. We tried a support group and made one good friend and he died. We also tried going to a church but when were were absent for long stretches because my partner was sick it really bothered me that no one ever called to see how is was etc and generally I felt like they didn't have time for us. So we spend our days mostly at home together and it is boring and kind of sad in a sense but thankfully we have each other. I don't know what I would do without him or if I could even stand being alone so much. I have a lot of empathy for you single long-term survivors.

[livingmmy9lives]

http://youtu.be/OmPKVvxFb1c

lyrics: Lying in my bed, I think of you
That song goes through my head, the one we both knew
In each line lies another line full of sacred sound
But you're outside where the companies dream and the money goes round
Lying in my bed.
Watching my mistakes,
I listen to the band they said that it could be the 2 of us
The snow might fall and write the lines on the silent page
But you're outside making permanent love to the nuclear age
Two silhouettes by the cash machine make a lovers dance
It's a tango for the lonely wives of the business class
Lying in my bed
Watching my mistakes
I listen to the band
Lying in my bed
With nothing much to say so I listen to the man
He said that it could be the 2 of us
I heard you call from across the city through the stereo sound
And so I crawled there sickeningly pretty as the money went round
Lying in my head watching my mistakes
I listen to the band
And the drums beat in my head
Pianos chime the sound in this prison of the house
And as the illness comes again can you hear me through the rain
As I listen to the band?
As I sing the silent song
Mime each lonely word
Please listen to the man he said that it could be the 2 of us
Alone but not lonely, you and me
Alone but loaded.........

[mitch777]

welcome to the forums Living!
it's not too often that we see "new" LTS posting for the first time.
hope we can get to know you better.
m.

[LongTimeSurvivor]

I stay alive to spite everyone. Makes me happy...

That said...by nature, I'm a loner. So not sure if my outlook on life will be of much use to you. There are ways to pass the time...reading, writing (letters to faraway friends), cow-tipping...but only if you live near farms.

Another option would be to go on line and explore potential connections. Look up all the hair dressers in towns near you. It's cliche, yes, but I bet if they're men they're gay. At least it would be a start and they probably know other men who aren't hairdressers.

Best of luck...

[phillypinko]

I've lived long enough to relate to where you're coming from. I tested positive in '92 when I was 20 years old. I made what at the time was a logical decision. I was told I had 5-7 years of good health ahead of me so i reasoned it was pointless to finish school. I dropped out signed up for as many credit cards as I could get and worked jobs that paid cash(bartender,barback,waiter). I've travelled the world and all through the U.S. Now im 41. My parents are elderly and sick. I collect the minimum on disability and live in public housng. I didn't anticipate living this long! Now im looking at a lonely life where I am either rejected because i'm on disability or because of HIV. I literally have had guys strike up a conversation with me in a bar. We talk for 5 or 10 minutes then they ask what i do for a living. They abruptly end the conversation by not saying another word and walking away when they find out i am on disablity. I would give anything to meet the right man and live happily ever after but I think that is a pipe dream. So im chasing another pipe dream by writing about what it was like to test positve at such a young age before there was a treatment and how it changed my life. I've accepted being lonely is my cross to bear. I do a lot of praying. I ask God to give me the strength to accept his will for me.