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Less than 2 weeks since positive diagnoses

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No everyone it's been a while I posted on here. I wish I could say things have been going ok since. Initially I Thot I was making progress I Thot I was coping, learning to deal with the entire situation, however the last week has been a real difficult week. Roller coaster of emotions. Hot into a really dark place and attempted hanging myself fortunately or unfortunately it got too painful , the bed sheet around my neck and the chocking sensation that I couldn't go ahead with it.
I have since then been in a really dark place, never experienced depression or pain like this.
It's worse cos I have no friends in the area I live in that I can confide in. I feel very alone at the moment. I can't honestly get past this new reality for me. It hurts like I've never Thot was physically possible to experience pain.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for posting this here maybe someone to tell me that it's all going to be alright. Doesn't seem to matter how many times I hear that though even with the counseling I'm getting.
My major fears are that I've never been in a situation like this before as I'm sure line of us had been before we became postive. I'm not sure how to move on from here.
I'm worried about my professional life esp. With regards moving countries etc. I feel I can't be honest with my loved ones , family. They already have issues with me being gay and now I have to tell them this also.  I feel life is trying to tell me I'm not meant to be around anymore.
I really want to get these derogatory thots I ascribe myself with out of my mind but I'm at the moment my own worst critic.
I don't know myself anymore. I don't recognize the guy in the mirror anymore.
The few mates I've disclosed to have been incredibly supportive, but I imagine they are only supportive cos they feel its their obligation to as friends. Even yet I don't want to contact them because I feel they are fed up with reassuring me.
Guys I'm lying on my bed in my dark rootm writing this on my phone, can't be arsed to get up and even turn on my computer. That's how catatonic I am and have been in the last few days.
I'm scared to die but even more scared to live with this disease.
I'm confused guys.
I really don't know what to do anymore.
Not even asking for help anymore just Thot I'd talk to someone else about this. You guys are all I have right now.
Thanks for your time taken out to read this.

Jeff G:
Hey bud ... I see it s a really bad day for you . I was once in the same situation and emotional shape that you are in , the pain is just as bad as being kicked and things seem so hopeless .

I once attempted to take my life because of the same issues you are facing and ended up in the hospital where I eventually got the help I needed to go on .

I'm encouraging you to get up and go to the emergency room if you are contemplating harming yourself , or call the hospital or an ambulance . I promise you that things can get better if you give it time and trust that there is help out there .

We need you on this forum as much as you need us . Please keep talking and lets see what we can do to get you through the day or night  . Hugs Jeff .


Please keep coming back to the site.We care about each other  here and being honest many of us have had really bad times too.

I promise you that you will begin to feel better.Please contact one of your friends.Dont think that you cant after all, you would be there to help your friends.



Jeff G:
actonye ... please give us an update , I'm very concerned about you and want to know that you are OK . The reason this forum exist is so we can be there for each other in times like this , so please allow us to be a part of your life .

We're all here actonye.

Unless your friends are rubbish then I see no reason why they wouldn't genuinely want tio help you. I'd have gone under if it weren't for my circle of friends.

Come to Manchester and we'll have a beer or two. 


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