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Needing Some Advice: New Magnetic Relationship

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magneticnegative26:
"Your posts might just cause a newly diagnosed person to consider ending his/her life rather than face the fear, mis/disinformation, and stigma you have noted."

I can appreciate fully where you are coming from.  And I can also understand the difference between this forum, where positive people are more likely to read, and the forum "AM I INFECTED?" which I hope they avoid, since that's an intense hotbed of stigma.  Referring to the original poster for this thread - the positive person's 'tears' infecting him as he was crying over his diagnosis?  Yikes - that's a really dark image and comes from a thoroughly ignorant place.

However, I don't see how you reduce the "Someone I care about has HIV" to a "courtesy."  That's like Al-Anon being merely a "courtesy" for non-alcoholics.  There is a distinct set of questions and issues that come from being the negative partner in a serodiscordant relationship, and I wonder whether you have the authority to characterize it as such. It provides an important service in allowing us to have a place to understand better how to deal with our issues (which, again, are distinct from having a positive diagnosis - and calling them distinct does NOT reduce the importance of serving the positive community, just like valuing Al-Anon does not devalue AA).

As I said earlier, your original reply really did comfort me with the science, and helped me and my partner allay some of the fears that we have.  And mecch's response was far more, well, rough around the edges, but still clearly rooted in exasperation at the ongoing confusion and paranoia. And I can totally understand - if I were positive, I would get sick of the stigma, too.  I almost certainly wouldn't have the patience to respond with 5000 posts - it would feel like a daily barrage.  For me, very new to this, the stigma has been the biggest issue so far.  My partner hasn't told another person since his diagnosis, and I don't think he will.

You give your opinion, based on good evidence, and I have to decide if I will trust your conclusions - a stranger on the internet - over our infectious disease specialist with an MD and twenty years of experience in the field.  Now, remarkably, I actually do, but this process is not so easy - it's not, as Meech puts it, "Know the facts, decide your practices, and move on to the meat of the relation." I think that scientists who have gotten lazy with the literature have an approach to HIV that is still thoroughly rooted in the past.  And I learned early on to dismiss the CDC for their guidelines, which seem to stem from Reagan-era paranoia.

You do good work, and you clearly care about ensuring that stigmatized people realize that these fears are abundantly irrational.

Anyway, I really don't want to be so upset about this anymore.  The portion I quoted from your post, above, basically equated the questions I've asked, entirely earnest and from a totally loving place (I'm just looking to find a way for my partner and me to be happy, and to comfort him with his fears about spreading the virus) with the possibility of another HIV positive person committing suicide. I think that conclusion makes an honest exchange in a forum ostensibly for people like me very hard to maintain. 

I really thought that I approached this totally rationally with the information that I've been given, and that I've tried to be sympathetic.  I'm currently pursuing a couple of masters degrees and I think I want to work with HIV/AIDS - I was hoping this forum would be a good introduction, and that I'd be able to share my information with other negatives in serodiscordant relationships, while seeking advice of those who have dealt with this, but if the old guard of this site believes I'm suicide-provoking, then clearly this isn't right for me.

Jeff G:
For the record JK statement about the negative impact and suicide risk when people read post here didn't seem pointed at any particular member , it seems to me he was speaking about why we deal in science and hundreds of years of collective wisdom from experienced members to make sure information is correct and clearly stated . 

jkinatl2:

--- Quote from: magneticnegative26 on February 27, 2013, 04:05:03 PM ---
I really thought that I approached this totally rationally with the information that I've been given, and that I've tried to be sympathetic.  I'm currently pursuing a couple of masters degrees and I think I want to work with HIV/AIDS - I was hoping this forum would be a good introduction, and that I'd be able to share my information with other negatives in serodiscordant relationships, while seeking advice of those who have dealt with this, but if the old guard of this site believes I'm suicide-provoking, then clearly this isn't right for me.

--- End quote ---

Tnank you for taking the time to write that. As an "old guard," I can assure you that I do not believe that your thoughts are provoking anxiety and unrest. Sadly, this thread was started by someone who, just the day before, had posted in AM I INFECTED worried that the tears shed by his positive partner over his medicaiton would infect him.

God, think about that. And think about what that sort of mindset brings to THIS part of the forum. Most people on the forum don't read the AM I INFECTED portion. From what, we can spare them a little.

At the quite obvious expense of our ability to trust and remain hopeful.

So I often come over to this part of the forum very guarded, and if I sometimes overreact, please understand where I am coming from. We originally didn't have all these separate forums. LIVING WITH was a catch-all for people "affected AND infected with/by HIV/AIDS." And that worked for a shockingly long while.

But years ago it was becoming more and more stressful for people dealing with their treatment and diagnosis to hear an increasing amount of abject hysteria, paranoia, and more often that I care to remember, blame. So we created this forum as a double courtesy- to give people AFFECTED a place to gather information and support from HIV positive folks, AND to allow people in LIVING WITH (and the rest of the forums) a respite from having to explain themselves when venting or struggling.

"courtesy" did not, in this case, equal "condescension." Please know that.

I never want the integrity of this forum, whether it be science or genuine support, to be compromised by diluting the notion of AIDSMEDS as a safe space. Sure we use tough love, more in LIVING WITH than anywhere else. But the key part of that phrase should always be "love." And I do love these forums, and it is my intense desire to help them remain the best of their type on the internet.

magneticnegative26:
JK, thanks for clearing that up - I guess this is a typical English language second person/third person singular confusion (since we often use "you/your" in place of "one/one's", like other language). 

Your most recent response also does shed a lot of light on why you reacted the way that you did.  Since I'm new to this, I'm not aware of the history, nor the way in which these forums operate.  Now I understand why moderators are so insistent about moving messages from one space to another.  And it's great that "AM I INFECTED" is kept totally separate, because I've seen other sites riddled with totally insane/paranoid questions.  I have to say that the image of a person crying over their medication as a cause of concern about infection for the partner must be one of the saddest responses I've ever heard.

Som I see why this should be separate.  But, I think for negative partners like me, who really are trying to figure out how to make it work, it can be difficult to deal with the extreme language and condescension used by some members (and I really wasn't originally referring to you) and receiving responses to my open questions, like that my decision to apply my doctor-informed strategy suggests that I should seek therapy, that 'I can't imagine a positive partner not eventually growing weary of that level of paranoia', etc. etc.' ... I don't know, it's just not how I would communicate it to a negative partner in a newly serodiscordant relationship who wants to make it work.

Continuing with the Al-Anon analogy, maybe what I need to find is a space where I can communicate with other people specifically in my situation, who are negatives living with/loving positive partners, and not just the positive partners themselves.  For now, this forum is probably the best option I've found, but it's actually very rare to find just that.  I haven't been able to find it at any local Gay and Lesbian Centers or AHF affiliates.

As I said in my last post, I appreciate your good work - clarifying these studies helps many people in my position, and more importantly, does a lot to help clear the stigma.  So, thank you for that.

mecch:

--- Quote from: magneticnegative26 on February 26, 2013, 07:23:11 PM ---First, Mecch: yes, I can see how that's confusing, since when I wrote Atripla that second time, I meant Truvada...  though my issue with your post remains, since that confusion wasn't the source of your statement.


--- End quote ---

I was genuinely confused about your statements mentioning taking Truvada and Atripla, and when you were taking it, with what sex practices.   

Since you are following doctor's orders, God speed, and I bow out of this naturally.   

You're going to get different answers as to what is risky and what is not, finally its up to you to take in all the input and decide.

I heard Truvada and then Atripla and in the (misunderstood) context of protected sex. Given that it is known that HIV- people come here with all sorts of odd engagements with HIV the virus and HIV+ people, I try to pay attention if something is off.  Completely mistaken concern with you, and mea culpa.   

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