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Author Topic: My boyfriend of a year is poz  (Read 1659 times)

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Offline ferris

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My boyfriend of a year is poz
« on: February 13, 2013, 10:02:59 PM »
Hello everyone,
    I'm new to the community. This is my first post. To make a long story short. I found out this weekend, after looking for some mouth wash that my boyfriend of a year has been poz this whole time. We did engage in unprotected anal sex (I was top)  many times when I was dating him. This whole thing is very complicated.

When we first went out he did tell me a story about how he got 'sick' after breaking it up with his boyfriend. I was stupid and did not connect the dots to HIV, so my boyfriend I knew this whole time was poz.. when in fact I was not thinking about anything Like that. This would have been one of those easy to deal with situations where if i asked I would have received an honest answer.. but I didn't

To make matters worse I did have unprotected sex with him on multiple occasions where I was the top. I'm currently waiting to get tested this Monday. I'm almost for sure I'm infected.. if I'm not it would be a miracle. I've never been this scared in my life. I've had plenty of poz friends, and have even seen my uncle lose the fight against AIDS. I guess I fucked up bad, and It's something I'm going to have to face up to. I just wanted to talk to someone about this, and really have no were to vent.

I still love my boyfriend, even though he should have been more upfront about his status or letting me do unprotected sex.. I should have investigated and not have let my guard down.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My boyfriend of a year is poz
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2013, 10:52:51 PM »
I am assuming that you found HIV meds in your boyfriends' cabinet? Seems to me that it's well within your right to know where his health stands - especially his viral load for the last year. Seems to me that he owes you that, at the very least.

If his viral load is- and has been- undetectable, the risk to you as a top is extremely slim. Many heterosexual couples use "Treatment As Prevention" in order to conceive naturally, with few if any infections. Of course, this is a choice a serodiscordant couple needs to make together. It appears that your boyfriend withheld- and has been withholding - pertinent information that might have directed your choice to have unprotected sex.  Whether you two work this through or not, it's a betrayal that needs to be addressed with honesty.

Of course, why a gay male in this century would choose unprotected anal sex without the discussion of HIV frankly baffles me, especially considering that we are surrounded with HIV and AIDS reminders, from friends to lost loved ones.

If your boyfriend has been taking care of his health and his viral load is undetectable, you very well might not have been infected. Or you could have just gotten a lucky break.  Regardless, going forward, I hope you are able to examine his behavior and your own to make sure you do not place yourself at risk again.

I sincerely you make choices that make and keep you healthy, happy and safe.

Joining this forum might be one of those choices :)


"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline ferris

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Re: My boyfriend of a year is poz
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2013, 11:49:19 PM »
thanks Jkinatl2 for your reply.

yes i found his hiv med in the cabinet (atripla). Knowing as many friends that have HIV i know what it is without looking it up on the internet. he said his levels are undetectable for the past year.

I think he has withheld information that would have helped me make a better choice, but as I've said before.. I should have been more pro-active to find out details that I had assumed. So I don't think the blame is 100% on him.

I feel betrayed, but at the same time, I feel for him. (if that makes any sense) I have loved people who are HIV+ before, and it wouldn't have been a problem with me. But I think, due to past relationships he decided to tell me.. in a round about away, so he wouldn't get his heart broke. Being a very empathetic person I can't blame him for it. I wish he would have told me this information when we first met. But wishing and wanting won't do anything.

Even though he has been undetectable the past year, it freaks me out. I've already talked to him about this. I have a son, and I know it's not a live sentence, like back in the day of my uncle.. but it's all i can think about now. I don't want to break up with him.. but that is between us. We all walk though this live blinded.. trying to find the best path, and we all bump into walls now and again. I guess I just don't think he was trying to hurt me.. but it end up that way.

I guess my biggest fear going forward is.. what to do? Safe sex is easy.. and I can live comfortable with it. I thinks I fear is him getting sick, the change of meds, the loss of a love one. I'm sorry I'm tearing up right now. It's something I hate dealing with, but I'm willing to walk that path if we can work this out. I love him for all his faults and his goals.

If I'm poz, it's something I'm going to have to work though. I'm scared of what is to come.. but I need to find out. If you or anyone out there has any words of encouragement or reality I would love to hear it.

Online mecch

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Re: My boyfriend of a year is poz
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2013, 12:06:10 AM »
To make matters worse I did have unprotected sex with him on multiple occasions where I was the top. I'm currently waiting to get tested this Monday. I'm almost for sure I'm infected.. if I'm not it would be a miracle. I've never been this scared in my life. I've had plenty of poz friends, and have even seen my uncle lose the fight against AIDS. I guess I fucked up bad, and It's something I'm going to have to face up to. I just wanted to talk to someone about this, and really have no were to vent.

I still love my boyfriend, even though he should have been more upfront about his status or letting me do unprotected sex.. I should have investigated and not have let my guard down.

Just take the test and stop with some of these dramatics.  If he's undetectable, you are most likely negative.

It's nice that you still love your boyfriend.  Neither of you have been very matter-of-fact honest about your sex lives.  Human enough.  Use this wake up call to move on together with better communication. 

You have had plenty of years and plenty of experience and reasons to know the safe sex rules so wise up. Protect yourself and own your actions no matter what you do.

Don't know the details of when or why your uncle died of AIDS. (And sorry about that, for sure!) But don't apply his experience to your boyfriends....  Dont get all dramatic about your boyfriend is going to die of AIDs.... 
« Last Edit: February 14, 2013, 12:10:39 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline ferris

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Re: My boyfriend of a year is poz
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2013, 12:17:22 AM »
I'm taking the test a soon as possible in my area. I do tend to be very dramatic when I feel like this.. and I'm glad you replied to this. I really need that. Thanks Mecch.

Online mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: My boyfriend of a year is poz
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2013, 12:19:00 AM »
I wish you all the best and hope you are not positive.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: My boyfriend of a year is poz
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2013, 04:53:19 AM »
Hi Ferris, welcome to the forums.

I have to say that while you made the inexplicable mistake of having unprotected sex with someone whose hiv status you didn't know, you're dealing with this in a very mature, compassionate way. Despite a bit of theatrics. :)

What impresses me the most is that you are owning your responsibility in this situation. All too often we see the negative partner abdicating all responsibility when they bareback first and find out their partner is poz later. Intimate relations are always a two way street. (Aside from rape, obviously.)

I'm also happy to read that you seem to understand why he didn't come right out and tell you about his status. If you read through some of the threads in the Living forum (you may read there, but not post), you'll see that many of them deal with disclosure and how difficult it can be for many people.

And you're correct, a lot of it has to do with a deep-seated fear of rejection. We all want to be loved, we all want to "belong". It's human nature. One thing that newly diagnosed people often worry about the most is "will I ever be loved again?" It's frightening to think that a stupid effing virus might mean you'll be alone the rest of your life. It can shake you to your very core.

The "when to tell" thing is often the most difficult consideration where disclosure is concerned. If you two got together in a fairly casual way at first, he may have waited to see if you "clicked" before telling you. This can lead to a tricky situation because - in my experience anyway - the longer you leave it, the more difficult it becomes to have that discussion. It's easy to keep putting it off and before you know it, more time has passed than you realise.

I hope you two can work through the betrayal aspects of this situation. It sounds as though you do truly love him - and remember, he's the same guy you fell in love with. You've found out about some extra baggage he carries, but it's not insurmountable baggage. Love can - and will - conquer hiv.



Like JK and Mecch, I also fully expect you'll test hiv negative because your partner has had an UD VL the whole time you've been together. Even if he hadn't, your chances of testing negative would still have been very high as hiv is more difficult to transmit to a top. Not impossible, mind you, just much more difficult.

If you need help finding a place to test near you, go put your zip code into the Health Services Directory at poz.com. Use the top (no pun intended! lol) search box.

You need to be aware of the window period for hiv testing. The vast majority of people who have actually been infected will seroconvert and test positive by six weeks, with the average time to seroconversion being only 22 days. A six week negative is highly unlikely to change, but must be confirmed at the three month point.

This means that a six week (or more) negative following the last time you topped unprotected will indicate that you're hiv negative. Even a four week negative is unlikely to change, but a six week negative? I've yet to see one change over in the Am I Infected forum. That's in about twelve years of being a member of these forums.

I was with an hiv negative man for a year and a half before I was diagnosed. During that time we never used condoms and yet he tested negative. Obviously I was always the bottom. ;) And also obviously, I wasn't on meds pre-diagnosis. We stayed together for another six/seven years and he remained hiv negative and all we did to keep him that way was to use condoms. I wasn't ever on meds during our relationship. He is hiv negative to this day.

One thing you may want to do to increase your confidence going forward is to test now and then - the negative results will show you that you're doing things right in regards to protecting your negative status.

In my own serodiscordant relationship, he tested every three months in the first year (clinic recommendation), then yearly for the next couple years and by the time we split up he hadn't bothered to test for several years, because we knew we'd been safe. I made him go test again when we split, for my peace of mind if nothing else even though I fully expected another negative result. And that's exactly what he got.

By the way, if I knew when I was newly diagnosed what I know now about hiv transmission and testing, I wouldn't have allowed the clinic to put him through three-monthly testing in the first year. It was a waste of time and resources once he'd gotten the initial all-clear after the first conclusive negative. However, I suppose it did a lot to ease his mind, even if it was a bit nerve-racking to wait for the results.

Good luck Ferris. I do expect you'll come out of this with your negative status intact and I hope you two can work things out. I get the feeling you're both good people, so don't throw your relationship out the window just because of a virus that today's meds are keeping in check. People infected, diagnosed and put on treatment in the 21st century are living full lives and pretty much have the same life-expectancy as anyone else.

Ann



edited because I called you Travis in the last paragraph by mistake
« Last Edit: February 14, 2013, 05:05:02 AM by Ann »
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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