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My boyfriend of a year is poz

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ferris:
Hello everyone,
    I'm new to the community. This is my first post. To make a long story short. I found out this weekend, after looking for some mouth wash that my boyfriend of a year has been poz this whole time. We did engage in unprotected anal sex (I was top)  many times when I was dating him. This whole thing is very complicated.

When we first went out he did tell me a story about how he got 'sick' after breaking it up with his boyfriend. I was stupid and did not connect the dots to HIV, so my boyfriend I knew this whole time was poz.. when in fact I was not thinking about anything Like that. This would have been one of those easy to deal with situations where if i asked I would have received an honest answer.. but I didn't

To make matters worse I did have unprotected sex with him on multiple occasions where I was the top. I'm currently waiting to get tested this Monday. I'm almost for sure I'm infected.. if I'm not it would be a miracle. I've never been this scared in my life. I've had plenty of poz friends, and have even seen my uncle lose the fight against AIDS. I guess I fucked up bad, and It's something I'm going to have to face up to. I just wanted to talk to someone about this, and really have no were to vent.

I still love my boyfriend, even though he should have been more upfront about his status or letting me do unprotected sex.. I should have investigated and not have let my guard down.

jkinatl2:
I am assuming that you found HIV meds in your boyfriends' cabinet? Seems to me that it's well within your right to know where his health stands - especially his viral load for the last year. Seems to me that he owes you that, at the very least.

If his viral load is- and has been- undetectable, the risk to you as a top is extremely slim. Many heterosexual couples use "Treatment As Prevention" in order to conceive naturally, with few if any infections. Of course, this is a choice a serodiscordant couple needs to make together. It appears that your boyfriend withheld- and has been withholding - pertinent information that might have directed your choice to have unprotected sex.  Whether you two work this through or not, it's a betrayal that needs to be addressed with honesty.

Of course, why a gay male in this century would choose unprotected anal sex without the discussion of HIV frankly baffles me, especially considering that we are surrounded with HIV and AIDS reminders, from friends to lost loved ones.

If your boyfriend has been taking care of his health and his viral load is undetectable, you very well might not have been infected. Or you could have just gotten a lucky break.  Regardless, going forward, I hope you are able to examine his behavior and your own to make sure you do not place yourself at risk again.

I sincerely you make choices that make and keep you healthy, happy and safe.

Joining this forum might be one of those choices :)


ferris:
thanks Jkinatl2 for your reply.

yes i found his hiv med in the cabinet (atripla). Knowing as many friends that have HIV i know what it is without looking it up on the internet. he said his levels are undetectable for the past year.

I think he has withheld information that would have helped me make a better choice, but as I've said before.. I should have been more pro-active to find out details that I had assumed. So I don't think the blame is 100% on him.

I feel betrayed, but at the same time, I feel for him. (if that makes any sense) I have loved people who are HIV+ before, and it wouldn't have been a problem with me. But I think, due to past relationships he decided to tell me.. in a round about away, so he wouldn't get his heart broke. Being a very empathetic person I can't blame him for it. I wish he would have told me this information when we first met. But wishing and wanting won't do anything.

Even though he has been undetectable the past year, it freaks me out. I've already talked to him about this. I have a son, and I know it's not a live sentence, like back in the day of my uncle.. but it's all i can think about now. I don't want to break up with him.. but that is between us. We all walk though this live blinded.. trying to find the best path, and we all bump into walls now and again. I guess I just don't think he was trying to hurt me.. but it end up that way.

I guess my biggest fear going forward is.. what to do? Safe sex is easy.. and I can live comfortable with it. I thinks I fear is him getting sick, the change of meds, the loss of a love one. I'm sorry I'm tearing up right now. It's something I hate dealing with, but I'm willing to walk that path if we can work this out. I love him for all his faults and his goals.

If I'm poz, it's something I'm going to have to work though. I'm scared of what is to come.. but I need to find out. If you or anyone out there has any words of encouragement or reality I would love to hear it.

mecch:

--- Quote from: ferris on February 13, 2013, 10:02:59 PM ---To make matters worse I did have unprotected sex with him on multiple occasions where I was the top. I'm currently waiting to get tested this Monday. I'm almost for sure I'm infected.. if I'm not it would be a miracle. I've never been this scared in my life. I've had plenty of poz friends, and have even seen my uncle lose the fight against AIDS. I guess I fucked up bad, and It's something I'm going to have to face up to. I just wanted to talk to someone about this, and really have no were to vent.

I still love my boyfriend, even though he should have been more upfront about his status or letting me do unprotected sex.. I should have investigated and not have let my guard down.

--- End quote ---

Just take the test and stop with some of these dramatics.  If he's undetectable, you are most likely negative.

It's nice that you still love your boyfriend.  Neither of you have been very matter-of-fact honest about your sex lives.  Human enough.  Use this wake up call to move on together with better communication. 

You have had plenty of years and plenty of experience and reasons to know the safe sex rules so wise up. Protect yourself and own your actions no matter what you do.

Don't know the details of when or why your uncle died of AIDS. (And sorry about that, for sure!) But don't apply his experience to your boyfriends....  Dont get all dramatic about your boyfriend is going to die of AIDs.... 

ferris:
I'm taking the test a soon as possible in my area. I do tend to be very dramatic when I feel like this.. and I'm glad you replied to this. I really need that. Thanks Mecch.

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