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Author Topic: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?  (Read 2423 times)

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Offline PiscesLove

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
  • Tryna Get It Together
Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« on: February 12, 2013, 11:41:32 AM »
Took me a min but here I go. I was diagnosed almost two years ago at the age of 22. Since then my dating & sex life has went from slim to none. I've found myself glued to the personals everyday but the men I'm meeting claim to want only friendship but once we meet that quickly turns into oh I need a girlfriend or I'm tired of being lonely. I do want someone just not anyone. I'm approached on a daily basis by men & I no longer have the self esteem or excitement to even hold a decent 5 min convo because at the back of my mind all I'm thinking about is how do I tell him I'm poz. I instantly put up a wall & I come off as being non chalant & stuck up when I'm so not. The 3 men I have told my status to....1 didn't care & still wanted to have sex unprotected, & the other two slowly but eventually quit talking to me. I don't want to date someone as a last resort or because we're both poz. Nor do I want to become a spinster. I'm confused as to what I should do because I know this aren't normal hormones of a 23 year old.
•1 Life 2 Live•

Offline tysonchicken

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2013, 02:15:29 PM »
I think that most people who are positive have been in your shoes. I know personally I can totally relate to what you are going through. Disclosing your status is a balancing act. You do not want to wait until you are in the heat of the moment to tell someone, yet you want the person to get to know you first because you do not want to scare them off. I have found that feeling someone out first is the best option. Slowly hint around at things being very vague and see how they react. I typically hint around about it by talking about books and musicals such as "Rent" to see what their perceptions are. This is easily done when talking about interests or hobbies (in the getting to know you stage).
I must admit this is something that I struggle with as well, but with time I hope it will get easier. I am not sure where you live, but if you have access to case management their are typically educationals on dating and relationships for positive people that may give you more insight.
I am sorry to hear that you have been going through a rough time. At times this disease can make you feel lonely, but don't give up. When you have found the right person your status won't matter. It is definitely a part of who you are, but it is not all of it.

Best of luck. I hope that this helps.

Offline tysonchicken

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2013, 02:17:39 PM »
In either case I believe that honesty is always best. With practice you will know when the time is right to disclose your status.

Offline tysonchicken

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2013, 02:20:46 PM »
Oh sorry, I forgot as well. On the main tool bar of this site if you hover over about HIV/AIDS there is a hyperlink that talks about disclosing your HIV status. This may be helpful as well.

Tyson

Offline klassykitty

  • Member
  • Posts: 381
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2013, 04:17:55 PM »
Pisceslove,

I was also diagnosed 2 years ago at 45.  I was single and just starting to get back into the dating scene after a long relationship ended.  Needless to say that one doctor visit can put quite a monkey wrench into our lives.  You are going through the same kind of feelings and problems most of us on here has, or is.

It is hard to tell someone.  I am going to school for my social work degree, when I would go on on a date with a guy I would tell them I wanted to find a job working with people with AIDS.  Depending on their reaction depended on whether or not I saw them again. 

I have now been with my boyfriend for a year and it's going ok.  Is he the one I picture myself with for a long time?  NOPE, but then he doesn't picture himself with me for a long time.  My mom has told me not to have a guy more high maintenance then myself. Not leaving a hotel room for breakfast in the lobby because he doesn't have hairspray for his hair is getting to high maintenance for me.

Unfortunately you will have men slowly stop talking to you, and want sex whether it's unprotected or not, guys do that anyhows.  They almost always say they just want to be friends and then it changes  to "I want a girlfriend". They are men, and really, they change their mind way more then we do.

Don't worry about going on the personals everyday, they don't change much.  There are personals for people who are positive.  If you want me to I can PM you the ones I am signed up with.

My mom  has always told me not to worry about finding that right guy right now, he will come along sooner or later.   That is advice I would give to anyone whether they have AIDS or not.

That voice at the back of your mind wondering how to tell him. You will learn how to ignore (well control) it.

Michelle 8)

P.S.  there is nothing wrong with being a spinster ;)  Some of my best times have been when I was single.

P.S.S  Not sure if you know or not,  but there is a section on here for women only. So if you have the urge to complain about men, and their stupidity they have at times, and you don't want to get lambasted by a bunch of men. Or you can go on it for female problems that you don't want to discuss with to guys. 
How to handle stress like a dog:
If you can't eat it or play with it.....
then pee on it and walk away

Diagnosed 01-20-2011
01-23  CD4 32    VL 125,400
02-18        76     VL 189
03-14  no cd4 test done   VL-52
04-14   69  VL-UNDECTABLE  YEA!!
05-26   50  whoopsy  
06-27   71        %-7
08-15   64 WTF %-9 
10-16  80         %7  
2012  CD4  %Thing   VL-UD
01-18  87    7
04-18  93    8  
07-16  151  8         
10-18  83    9    VL-70
2013   CD4   %thing       VL-UD
01-28  121     9
04-24  148    11   
07-25  157    11   
10-22  185    13
2014   CD-4  %thing   VL-UD
02-07 201 YEA!!!!!!  12
06-03  205      12

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,877
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2013, 05:23:00 PM »
Hello Pisceslove,

I'm sorry that you are experiencing such issues, because adjusting to being poz is really a life-long process.  There are no easy answers or right or wrong ways of doing things, all that matters is you find ways to live your life that work for you.  You are still young, so please consider that part of your confusion may simply be due to your age, as few of us really understand what we need, as opposed to what we think we need, until we get a little older.

My suggestion would be to look for friends first and then see if anything develops.  I found that by seeking friends first, it gave me time to test the waters, so to speak, before I had to disclose my status.  It took a lot of pressure off me, because I didn't always have to be thinking of "how to tell".  Mostly though, what you really need is some more time.  Adjusting is different for all of us and what you are feeling is perfectly normal and it will take time to sort it all out.

If nothing else, please realize that just because you are poz does not mean the end for you finding love.  Much of what you are experiencing is the same for anyone your age, regardless of status.  It's also not uncommon to feel that we are "damaged goods" and as such, nobody will ever want us... but that's the victim in us speaking and with time that voice will lessen.

Please remember that you are not defined by your infection.  You may have HIV, but HIV will never have you.  Please take your time, be good to yourself and allow yourself to feel, whatever you feel, but remember that just because we feel something, does not make it true.  I know you may not feel hopeful right now, yet based on your post, I think you are coming to terms with some major issues and that will take time.

Fortunately for you, you have all the time in the world.

Welcome to the forums,

Joe

Offline PiscesLove

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
  • Tryna Get It Together
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2013, 07:20:57 PM »
Thanks everyone for replying....
Tyson-I recently left my family & moved here to Texas for better resources. I've tried support groups but they seem to cater more to the gay community rather than young adults as a whole. Since moving here I have began to mingle with other pozers but once I'm home alone I still have all these mixed feelings & emotions. Does the pain ever go away?

Klassykitty-I'm starting to realize day by day that finding a open minded man is not going to be as easy as I thought. Yes I def. would like to try other personals. You just gave me a lot more inspiration and hope with dealing with this. I've never really had a strong relationship with my parents. So it's even harder for me to cope with this especially not having a back bone or support system. I'm chasing the father I never had & seeking love I lacked from my mother. Wow it's actually feels good to finally admit that so at the end of the day all I'm stuck with is HIV. It took me 22 years to find what I thought was love and in the end I was left with this. These past years I've tried to keep it at the back of my mind by overworking & finding things to do to keep a good outlook on life but going to bed alone at night is taking its toll. Oh & I don't mind posting here I like to get men's perspectives on things
Joe-THANK YOU..!! This is def. going to take some time....
•1 Life 2 Live•

Offline Casinokiwi

  • Member
  • Posts: 25
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2013, 09:27:29 PM »
There is a lot of good dialogue here...  Being newly diagnosed I have wondered all the same questions that everyone here poses.  I am still a bit fresh out of a relationship and too new to HIV to really start dating but its good to hear that relationships aren't over for me. 

Pisces, I can relate to your attitude.  I moved into an apartment following divorce and the very attractive apartment manager asked me out.  I would have loved to say "yes" to her but I didn't want to at some point explain my status so I politely declined.  I walked away wondering if I will ever have "true love".  Sounds sappy but even guys think about that crap. 

Hang in there!

Offline Fisher

  • Member
  • Posts: 283
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2013, 09:35:04 PM »
You will find what you need!  Why else do you think "All Is." For love and adventure and fulfillment, of course!
- fisher
09/22 CD 385 %22 VL UD
07/14 CD 391 %20 VL UD
04/14 CD 486 %23 VL <20
11/13 CD 351 %21  VL <20
10/13 CD 390 %16  VL <20
06/13 CD 315 %19  VL  22
02/13 CD 396 %14  VL <20
12/12 CD 392 %13  VL 320
11/12 CD 428 %13  VL 1200
*Started Meds: Atripla
10/12 CD 427 %11  VL 139000 -- 09/12 CD 408 %13 VL 92928
09/11 CD 745 %27 VL CLOT -- 10/10 CD 863 %29 VL 2782
10/09 CD 597 %30 VL 2537 -- 05/08 CD 809 %28 VL 1504
04/07 CD 797 %25 VL 3558 -- 11/06 CD 720 %28 VL 1214
06/05 CD 731 %25 VL 1575 -- 12/04 CD 1176 %30 VL 1329
01/04 CD 959 %26 VL 1011 -- 11/03 CD 1000 %28 VL 1581
12/02 CD 748 %28 -- 10/01 CD 860 %25
08/00 CD 1022 %28 -- 04/99 CD 854 %27
11/98 CD 899 %28 -- 02/97 CD 1400 %37
11/96 CD 1325  VL <500 -- 09/96 – Western Blot
05/83 – 04/98 - Monogamous Partner Being Negative
ARS - LA '82

Offline Strong_but_weak

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2013, 04:56:00 PM »
I'm 26 and November will be 3 years since I was diagnosed since then I've had 1 girlfriend and I started talking to her in June and I wanted her to know me well before I told her so that she saw my personality and that I made an error in judgement that everyone makes but my result wasn't good from it and when I told her in September she didn't think any different because she saw that it wasn't who I was. Granted w broke up a month ago because I was too scared to hurt her to progress to anything physical even though I've been undetectable since 3 months after diagnosed.

The thing is so many people our age (20's) are so uninformed about HIV and when they hear it they run for me I've gone after nurses or girls with medical training because to me they seem to be informed and understanding. I still struggle with being alone and being frustrated but I just think I do all I can and to become upset over things I have no control over.

For me support groups don't relate to me because there's no one in my age bracket to relate to. You can find my story in this section of the forum under "Arghh it's been rough" or something along those lines.

Offline oksikoko

  • Member
  • Posts: 681
  • Writing the congressman again
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2013, 07:13:42 PM »
The thing is so many people our age (20's) are so uninformed about HIV and when they hear it they run for me I've gone after nurses or girls with medical training because to me they seem to be informed and understanding. I still struggle with being alone and being frustrated but I just think I do all I can and to become upset over things I have no control over.

For me support groups don't relate to me because there's no one in my age bracket to relate to. You can find my story in this section of the forum under "Arghh it's been rough" or something along those lines.

They don't seem to get much more informed in the older categories either. ;)

They have special groups for twenty-somethings where I live. I assume you've looked, but if not, maybe try to find one specifically for your age group where you are. I'm assuming you're straight (sorry if I'm off base there), but maybe there's a 20-something support group at a local LGBT center? Call ahead to check first, but they often don't care about your sexuality as long as you're not homophobic, etc. I might also suggest that support can come from people in other age groups. ;) If you ever really need it, don't be afraid to try talking to someone older. They may even know people in your age group that they could connect you with and circuitously, you'll end up with what you're looking for when you're not even looking.

Hey, PiscesLove, nice to meet you. :) We're pretty different, but I relate to a lot of what you said. I'm going the opposite route myself, but keep up hope to find what will make you happy. Quoting, ahem, one of the greatest thinkers of the past century, I offer this: "You'll be given love. You'll be taken care of. You have to trust it. Maybe not from the sources you have poured yours, maybe not from the directions you are staring at, but twist your head around. It's all around you. All is full of love."

And on this point: "So it's even harder for me to cope with this especially not having a back bone or support system."

Yes. You need a support system, and it's good to realize it and fix it early. I'm glad you're here, and I hope you can find some locals as well. It'll do your health a lot of good in the long run, and incidentally, might lead you to meeting new people who don't care about your HIV status but just care about you.

Good luck!
Code: [Select]
2014-11-14: CD4 Wars Episode II: Return of the Stribild (released in Europe as Stribild II: Werewolf Bitch)
2014-11-06:                ☣ VL (→) 12,627      ☣ CD4 (→) 639
2014-??-??: off treatment  ☣ VL (?)              ☣ CD4 (?)
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

If no one complains, nothing will ever change.

Offline Daruis

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2013, 12:24:15 AM »
I am going through the same thing. I found out about my status 1 year ago and I gave up on trying to be in a relationship or have sex with anyone so I don't have to explain my status. In my situation I have been aproached by so many people to go out on dates and even had females want to have kids with me, I just turn it down by saying I work to much for a relationship. Its not what I planned but I just rather deal with that than telling everyone about my status

Offline oksikoko

  • Member
  • Posts: 681
  • Writing the congressman again
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #12 on: February 16, 2013, 12:55:31 AM »
I am going through the same thing. I found out about my status 1 year ago and I gave up on trying to be in a relationship or have sex with anyone so I don't have to explain my status. In my situation I have been aproached by so many people to go out on dates and even had females want to have kids with me, I just turn it down by saying I work to much for a relationship. Its not what I planned but I just rather deal with that than telling everyone about my status

Aw, man. Let's divide our problems in half and share - we both win! I'll tell anybody, but who'd have me? You don't want to tell anyone, and everyone wants you. Life. Oy. :D 

Hang in there, though, I bet you'll feel comfortable telling the right someone when the time is right, and all the waiting will have been worth it. ;)
Code: [Select]
2014-11-14: CD4 Wars Episode II: Return of the Stribild (released in Europe as Stribild II: Werewolf Bitch)
2014-11-06:                ☣ VL (→) 12,627      ☣ CD4 (→) 639
2014-??-??: off treatment  ☣ VL (?)              ☣ CD4 (?)
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

If no one complains, nothing will ever change.

Offline epylon

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Will I Ever Find Someone For Me?
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2013, 06:18:19 AM »
I totally feel with you Pisces, I will be 29 this year, and I was desperated last autumn, when I found out my status, really the same time I met a wonderful girl at my new job. Since the questions are similar in my mind: how tell her, how to dating, what if I will hurt her, what if etc.
But I think the best way being honest, and then face and accept her decision.

And you know, when I look at my nephews and nieces, I just feel, I can't live without a love, then later a loving family, wife, 1-2 children. And I believe - and this belief is in a constant war with the 'what if' and 'how' questions...

1/1/2012 infected - never again drunken New Year's Eve Party!
4/10/2012 ELISA +
29/11/2012 CD4 493 % 23 VL 2490
« Last Edit: February 17, 2013, 06:20:15 AM by epylon »

 


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