Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
April 17, 2014, 03:50:35 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 22202
  • Latest: jo88
Stats
  • Total Posts: 620031
  • Total Topics: 46714
  • Online Today: 282
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Here is my story - Tested Pos 2 weeks ago - Married with Kid  (Read 3339 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline moving_forward

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Here is my story - Tested Pos 2 weeks ago - Married with Kid
« on: February 07, 2013, 09:20:34 PM »
Well, I have heard it is therapeutic to get your feelings out.  I am hoping by writing this it will help me in moving forward.  I am a married man to a woman who has been internally dealing with the feelings of being Gay.  About 5 months ago I started visiting adult bookstores to to try and deal with these pent up feelings for so many years.  I know this was not a healthy outlet, and obviously I am dealing with the consequences of my actions.  I practiced safe sex and as far as I know maybe a condom broke.  Regardless I got sick 4 weeks ago with a rash and a high fever.  I decided to take a full panel STD test including HIV PCR.  All tests came back negative except the HIV 2 weeks ago.  I don't know my CD4 Count or western blot results as I have not had them.  My marriage has been stagnant in terms of sex for years and my wife and I used condoms.  I am concerned because I did perform oral sex on her when I was not sure what was going on, but it was brief.  I am waiting to get her results back but her first test was negative.  Having to tell her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It has been an ebb and flow of emotions over the past 2 weeks. grief, loss, anger, acceptance, and now back in the anger phase.  My daughter was told of my diagnosis and infidelity.  Ironically, she was OK that I was gay.  Never thought I would have to come out of the closet this way.. Totally sucks.  I am seeing a therapist now which is helpful, changed my diet, trying to keep a positive outlook.  Ironically, the HIV diagnosis has taken a back seat.  I am more worried about my wife (If I should still call her that) and my child.  My kid does not feel she knows who I am now and is very concerned about being in my presence.  I don't blame her.  My wife is the same way and feels I have made my bed and I need to sleep in it as my choices led to this path.  I can't blame her either.  I was the one who royally screwed up.  I just wish there was some way or education I could provide to my daughter so she knows it is safe to be around me.  I am now living with my parents.  They know the situation and have been very supportive and for that I am grateful.  It is hard though to move back in with your parents when you have not been under their roof for 20 years.  I am trying to see if I can afford a long term living situation where I can be on my own, as we are not selling the house right now so I don't have to uproot my family.. I feel they need stability.  I guess this will all take time.  I don't have an appointment with my ID specialist until late February, and I am concerned I should get put on meds ASAP.  I have not been sick with anything else even being around my daughter all weekend when she had a nasty cold.  Does anyone else who has been married, or who have kids who know and have been through this have any words of wisdom on how to educate and ensure that I am safe to be around.  This may be more psychological for my daughter at this point.  Some days I feel I am better off dead and they would be better to get my life insurance than to have to deal with me, but I remain hopeful that there is a plan for all of this.  I just wish they knew how much I loved them and that my grappling with my gay feelings led to this and now I am paying the price.  My wife keeps telling me that no judge would rightfully allow me to see my kid if it goes down that road.  For now we are separated and working through this day by day.  I hate my life right now.   :(  not for me but for the pain and agony I have caused to my family.  I am certainly getting my fair share of what I deserve.
7January2013 Seroconverted
22January2013 tested positive
7March13 CD4 481 VL 300,176 CD4 28%
23March13 Started Stribild
28March13 CD4 434 VL 4,479 CD4 31%

Offline Jmarksto

  • Member
  • Posts: 388
Re: Here is my story - Tested Pos 2 weeks ago - Married with Kid
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2013, 12:16:09 AM »
Moving Forward;

First, welcome to the forums, although I am sorry you are going through this.

While my situation is a little different, there are some similarities.  I have a teenage daughter and got infected outside my primary hetero relationship.

The main point I want to make is that I know things seem very bleak right now - but it will get better with time - it really will. It is going to take some time for acceptance and education from everyone involved.  Again - it is going to get better.

The feelings of shame and guilt that you are having were similar to mine. Yes, we made a mistake - but that should not stop us from achieving our dreams and desires prior to that mistake - especially being a great parent. Your love for your daughter will transcend this part of your life.

In terms of educating your daughter - I think it depends on how old she is and what is age appropriate. There are a few things that come to mind - I know some ASO's (Aids Service Organizations) do children's education or counseling - I would start there.  The other thing may be to take her to a doctor's appointment (again if she is age appropriate) and have them explain transmission and treatment to ally her fears.

In terms of getting on treatment right away -- your doctor needs to test for drug resistance prior to prescribing.  While there is literature that suggests you should start treatment ASAP, my doctor wanted me to wait a few months at least to educate myself on treatment options and get my head around having HIV.

If you haven't already, I suggest the lessons section of the site:

www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Introduction_4702.shtml

Again, welcome and I wish you and your family well,

JM
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Here is my story - Tested Pos 2 weeks ago - Married with Kid
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2013, 12:37:43 AM »
Before I dive into some of the meat in your post, I wanted to express how glad I am that you found this place. Sad that you tested positive, but this forum remains one of the best moderated, factually correct places on the internet.

First off, if all of us got what we think we deserve in life, most of us would have been struck by lightning and rendered into cinders. Struggling with sexuality is not totally uncommon, and we all - every one of us - makes mistakes that hurt not only ourselves but the people around us. The single most important thing you can do, and I am sure your therapist would agree, is to forgive yourself.

HIV is much different now than it was a decade ago, let alone the horror-filled days of the 80s and 90s - but it is  formidable and requires a real commitment to staying on top of your treatment and, when necessary, your drugs. That means taking care of yourself, and treating yourself like someone deserving of rescue. I hope you can get to that place.

As far as transmission, there is NO WAY you presented even a scintilla of risk to your wife by performing oral sex with her. And as you say condoms were used to penetrative sex, you presented absolutely zero risk for infection. Same goes with your daughter, of course. Families with HIV positive fathers and/or mothers live together all the time. Outside of unprotected penetrative sex and sharing IV drug needles, HIV is not at all easily transmitted - and certainly not among family members with whom you are not sexually intimate.

As far as treatment goes, there is evidence that starting earlier has benefits in preserving the innate immune system, but that is really a personal choice as well. It might be years before you are in a position to *need* treatment, but some people find a sense of empowerment in starting early. Of course here in the US there is insurance to contend with, and barring that, other resources which can make such a decision more complicated. But the number of available drug options are plentiful.

As far as your custody issues go, I will leave that to others with more experience. I know that where you live and what judge ends up deciding your divorce case (if it gets to that) makes a huge difference. Mediation is always preferable, of course, if you and your wife can come to a non-acrimonious understanding. If only for the kids.

Regardless, welcome to the forums. I certainly hope you stay around.

JK
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,713
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Here is my story - Tested Pos 2 weeks ago - Married with Kid
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2013, 04:02:42 AM »
Some days I feel I am better off dead and they would be better to get my life insurance than to have to deal with me, but I remain hopeful that there is a plan for all of this.  I just wish they knew how much I loved them and that my grappling with my gay feelings led to this and now I am paying the price.  My wife keeps telling me that no judge would rightfully allow me to see my kid if it goes down that road.  For now we are separated and working through this day by day.  I hate my life right now.   :(  not for me but for the pain and agony I have caused to my family.  I am certainly getting my fair share of what I deserve.

Hello welcome to the forum.  You are in a dark place, not seeing things clearly due to a number of violent changes in your life - marriage breaking up, coming out gay, getting HIV.  Your daughter won't be better off with you dead.  If you want your daughter to know how much you love her, simply tell her that.  She needs some time to process it all.  Your wife is surprised, hurt, bitter, angry etc. I guess you have caused her "pain and agony" but eventually she has to own her own feelings, though right now its too raw for her.

There is something that you don't see yet but I hope this insight will help you.  You did NOT get HIV because you explored gay sex, or because you betrayed your wife.  You got it from a sexual accident.  Straight, bi and gay, all sexualities, are at risk for STDS.  You did NOT get HIV because you are gay and HIV is not a punishment for being gay or betraying your wife...  Just in case you are at the moment lumping all this in together.  Stop it.  Each event has its own implications and calls for its own coping behaviours.

An example that other people see it differently than you is your own daugther, who you say doesn't have a problem if you are gay.  She's just freaked out and ignorant about transmission risks. 

You deserve your own health and happiness, you haven't ruined anyone or anything.  Its a bump in the road.  Your wife will become your ex wife and hopefully move on to a new lover, or husband, and happier days.  Same for you.  Its never nice to see a family break up, but they break up because its necessary, and every one in the family should be reminded to be optimistic and hopeful about the future happiness that is possible.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2013, 04:04:36 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 27,947
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Here is my story - Tested Pos 2 weeks ago - Married with Kid
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2013, 07:47:06 AM »
Hi MF, welcome to the forums.


Regardless I got sick 4 weeks ago with a rash and a high fever.  I decided to take a full panel STD test including HIV PCR.  All tests came back negative except the HIV 2 weeks ago.  I don't know my CD4 Count or western blot results as I have not had them. 


PCR tests are not stand-alone diagnostic tests and you need further testing to confirm - or rule out - hiv infection.

Depending on which type of PCR test you had done, and depending on what the resulting viral load (VL) number came back as, there is a possibility that you've had a false positive result.

DNA PCR tests are prone to false negatives and for this reason they should not be used to detect early hiv infection, although some doctors aren't aware of this and use them anyway.

RNA PCR tests are less prone to false negatives, but it can still happen. RNA PCR tests are the only PCR tests that are approved for use in an early diagnosis setting - but they are still not stand-alone diagnostic tests.

Typically in very early acute hiv infection, the VL is very high. If your VL came back over 10,000, it's quite likely a true positive regardless of which type of PCR was used. However, lab errors can and do happen, so you still need further confirmatory testing.

Hiv is nothing to guess or assume about and unfortunately, there are no real short cuts to confirming a positive - or negative - hiv diagnosis.

What you need to confirm (or rule out) a positive diagnosis is an antibody test, and if that is positive it needs to be followed up with a Western Blot. Only when you have a positive antibody and positive WB result can you actually be considered to be hiv positive.

The vast majority of people who have actually been infected will seroconvert and test antibody positive by six weeks, with the average time to seroconversion being only 22 days. From what you've written, it seems that you are at or past the six week point. If you are indeed hiv positive you should be testing hiv positive on an antibody test by now.

Rather than waiting for your ID appointment in late February, you might want to consider going now and having a rapid antibody test done. If you're still testing antibody negative at this point, you may very well have had a false positive PCR test result. I'd urge you to get that checked out.

While you wait to have a confirmation one way or the other, please do not post anywhere outside this thread. Thank you for your cooperation regarding that.

A few words of advice that assume your PCR test was a true positive result....

As JK already told you, you have not put your wife or your daughter at risk for hiv infection. Your saliva - even if you do have a very high VL - is not infectious so giving your wife oral wasn't a risk in any way.

Condoms have been proven to prevent hiv infection, so the protected intercourse wasn't a risk either. There have been three long-term studies of couples where one is positive and one is negative. In the couples who used condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, but no barrier for oral activities, not one of the negative partners became infected with hiv. Not one.

Regarding your daughter, (and wife for that matter), the only way you'd put her at risk is if you have unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse with her. Obviously you're not going to be having any sort of sex with your daughter, so you're not going to put her at risk. Same goes for sharing needles. Not something you'd do with your daughter, is it.

You can keep doing all the things that commonly happen in a family setting, such as kisses, sharing dishes, cups, mugs, and other eating utensils. You can continue to use the same bathroom facilities and not have any fear of transmitting your virus to others. Hiv is actually a rather difficult virus to transmit.

"My wife keeps telling me that no judge would rightfully allow me to see my kid if it goes down that road."

No judge with an iota of common sense and education would agree with your wife. There is no reason why you should not be able to see your kid and having hiv does not have the least bearing on your parenting abilities. It's like saying you shouldn't be permitted to see your kid after a diabetes or cancer diagnosis. Pure nonsense.

I know everything is really fresh, raw, confusing and probably terrifying for you and your family right now - but it will get better in time.

But please make sure you get further confirmatory testing sooner, rather than later. When tests like the PCR test are used as diagnostic tools there is always a possibility of an incorrect result. As I said earlier, I suggest you go get an antibody test done now. If you get a negative result at this point, you've likely had a false positive PCR result.

Good luck regardless of how the testing pans out. You'll ultimately be ok either way. I know it won't seem like that right now, so you'll just have to trust me on that.

Hugs,
Ann

PS - could you please break what you write up into smaller paragraphs, rather than posting one big block of text? Breaking what you write up into bite-sized bits makes it easier to read and not miss any important details. We'll be better placed to help you if you remember to do this. You can always write what you need to all in one go - and then go back over it to add paragraph spaces before you hit post. Thanks! :)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline PiscesLove

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
  • Tryna Get It Together
Re: Here is my story - Tested Pos 2 weeks ago - Married with Kid
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2013, 09:48:21 AM »
I'm going to keep this short....we're all human & bound to make mistakes. This is simply another test from god. If you truly love your family you focus on you & get yourself together FIRST before trying to deal with added problems. You decide what it is exactly you want in life and u now strive for that. Don't let your status define you. Your daughter loves you she just hurt right now. Time does heal wounds. N that time u educate yourself about this so that when they do come back around you can show them that your still the same husband and father that they've known. Sometimes it takes to be down & out to appreciate the things that come with being up. You keep your head up & know God wouldn't put any more on you than you can bare. It's not a death sentence more like a life sentence. Meaning your still able to wake up and better your life everyday. U ever just need someone to talk to I'm PiscesLove0313 in the personals.
•1 Life 2 Live•

Offline Casinokiwi

  • Member
  • Posts: 25
Re: Here is my story - Tested Pos 2 weeks ago - Married with Kid
« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2013, 07:49:30 PM »
Sorry you are here but welcome to the forums. 

I don't have an identical situation but very similar.  I was diagnosed with HIV in early October and I have been very fortunate to have my wife test negative as recently as a couple of weeks ago.  I know how hard it is to think about the possibility of infecting a loved one but it sounds like you were smart and should have nothing to worry about.  With that being said, I know from her perspective she is feeaking out and you are dealing with the brunt of it.  Also can say is hang in there. 

I have three kids and go to mediation next week.  My wife, like yours, has made it pretty clear that she will be leveraging my HIV status to get the custody and financial deal she desires. Not sure you can do anything about.  Yu know what they say about a woman scorned. 

Here is the good news.  This forum is littered with folks who have made mistakes and to be frank so is the world.  You will pull your thoughts together soon and figure out what you want to work out.  We are much luckier to be diagnosed now than the folks that were diagnosed 20 years ago.  Find a knowledgable doctor who specializes in HIV for two reasons.   First, he can provide great quality care to you and secondly, if it comes to it, he can be your advocate in court.   Your HIV status has nothing to do with how good of a parent you are. 

It's unfortunate your daughter found out.  I suspect that wasn't entirely your decision but the atomic bomb has been dropped. I agree with others that she needs to get in therapy soon and get educated.  Your daughter will come around and she will love her daddy just as much as before.  If you are like me, this is a life changing occurrence.  Hopefully you can prioritize your daughter in your life and your relationship can be better going forward. 

Hang in there buddy! 


 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.