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Magnetic Couple Questions - Boyfriend +, I'm -

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magneticnegative26:
Hi everyone,

My boyfriend tested positive four months after we started dating.  I'm not going to go into the turmoil and soul-searching surrounding that incidence, but I've stood by him throughout and we're pulling through.  We've been together for nine months and he's the love of my life.  I've never been happier in a relationship, and I feel both sexually and emotionally fulfilled.  Life is great - so for all of those posting that have just found themselves in this situation, you can be in a happy magnetic relationship, too.   

I have a couple of questions, though, for other magnetic couples out there.  These forums have really helped me deal with what are non-risks that arise when we live together - a little semen falls on the cut of my arm, I accidentally use his toothbrush - i.e. things that are not worth worrying about.

My b/f is undetectable, and has been taking Atripla for five months.  I wanted to know a couple of things about risks, both for him and for me.  Our doctor told us that all raw meats should be avoided - is this something he has to follow to the letter of the law?  Like, if we're invited from my work to go out for sushi, can he not have an occasional meal?  Or is this something that affects people with more advanced HIV/AIDS or detectable viral loads?  I'd just like some peace of mind for him that it's occasionally fine, but perhaps it's not?

I currently perform unprotected oral sex on him, but he doesn't cum in my mouth.  We also have anal sex with protection, but he pulls out before cumming.  I am thinking about going on Truvada next month, though our disease specialist doctor doesn't think it's really that necessary, since we're so safe and he has an UD viral load.

In terms of sex practices, I'd like to be able to start swallowing his cum.  If I'm on Truvada, is this a risk that other magnetic couples out there take and can share?   I'd also like for him to feel comfortable cumming inside of me while he is wearing protection.  Are there others who do this, even without the negative partner being on Truvada?

I've read about people who take Truvada with their UD partner and have bareback sex because the risk is so low... and while I'm not itching for that, are there people out there that do that? 

Basically, it seems from the Swiss study that bareback sex isn't really a risk for monogamous couples where the poz partner has been UD for at least six months and neither has an STI - so if I were to add Truvada to my regimen, would swallowing cum be a negligible risk?

I really appreciate any advice.  I get what doctors say - there's always a risk, I have to set my own boundaries - but ultimately I feel like I can't get a grasp on the real statistical risk.  I could really use some advice from people who are in the same situation, or know people in the same situation.  Our sex life is important to us, and I would like to be able to swallow his cum and, perhaps eventually, bareback again, but neither of us wants to take any real risks.  Is a UD viral load (he's on Atripla and is perfectly consistent with taking it) w/ Truvada for the negative partner enough?

Thanks so much for your help.

jkinatl2:
Honestly, I would write you a longer post, but my fiance put together a banging bevvy of birthday parties these last few days, and I am going to be off my game for a while.

Let me just say this:

Your BF is undetectable. Saliva contains over a DOZEN identified elements that neutralize HIV and render it inert.

Even if your BF was not UD, your risk was minimal if it exists at all. Three separate serodiscordant couples' studies have yet to show a single infection due to oral sex. That is three studies, two continents, ten, five and three years in duration. And a wide array of treatment options and viral loads. It's just never been steadily quantified outside the horrific soft science of patient report.

He is UD, and you are on Truvada. You are fine to have whatever sex you want, and condoms are optional.

I am in a monogamous relationship with my fiance. I am UD. He is negative. We have decided to forego condoms. I am bottom, he is top. He has yet to perform oral on me to completion, but that's mostly timing and opportunity.

While I absolutely don't recommend this choice for people who have multiple sexual partners, two people in an exclusive relationship need to know the facts, and the facts are simple. You are more likely to get it by lightning than to get HIV from having sex with a person with an UD VL. Add Truvada to the mix and hell, you are basically buletproof.

This is 20 years of HIV and 15 years of research and advocacy talking. Take as you wish with whatever grains of salt suit you.

oksikoko:
Hey, Magnetic. :)

Before I was positive, I dated and slept with positive guys, pretty much exclusively and avoided negative guys as romantic or whatever partners if I could help it. I'm not (or rather, wasn't) a chaser, but I've felt that HIV was an inevitability for me pretty much since I was 8 years old, and by the time I was approaching 30, the fear of it was worse than the disease itself, and I just decided to stop running, to "stop worrying and love the bomb" so to speak.

I don't regret that at all, even though I'm now positive. From the time I made that decision until the time I was positive I went through, oh, 7-8 years, a couple of positive boyfriends, maybe 1 or 2 (hahahaha) casual partners, and exactly 0 condoms. So, yeah, not every encounter with a positive person leads to infection. I suspect I'm positive via a rather less, um, glamorous route than most here, but only God knows for sure, and that's neither here nor there.

However, since you asked for advice: I personally think you're playing with fire. It's OK to play with fire, but only if you're sure that you're OK with the possibility of getting burned.

Let me back off the metaphor and speak plainly: If you're really OK with the possibility that you may become positive, and if you feel comfortable taking certain risks, that's one thing. But if you're doing it thinking that it's really unlikely that you'll become positive while fearing it in the back of your head, you might want to give it some more thought before jumping in.

I know 1 person who did get infected via oral sex, because I was there at the time, and all he had was oral sex. Even though a lot of people seem to think it's 100% safe, it's not. It's safER. Your post had some phrasings (please forgive me if I'm cutting into the subtext too much) like "isn't really a risk". It sounds like you're hedging there. I want to be really clear on this: it *is* a risk. There's no such thing as "isn't really a risk". There's just more and less risk.

I don't mean to discourage you, and I think it's great that you're giving this the thought it deserves and are not afraid to ask questions in the right places. You sound pretty level-headed, and you're an adult. If you stay negative, great, you'll be alright. If you end up positive, I'm sure there will be people on this board to ask questions of, and you'll be alright. Just be careful, OK? ;)

magneticnegative26:
Hey Oksikoko,

Thanks for the response.

I feel like I have two vastly different responses, however, and could really use the input of others.  Would you say I'm playing with fire if I'm on Truvada, he's on Atripla and undetectable, we have protected sex, and I occasionally suck his dick after he's wiped all of his cum off of it?

That's basically where we are now... (well, I'm about to go on Atripla, so I've been sucking his dick after he's wiped off cum, but he is UD) - but if you think that my acquisition of the virus is inevitable, even with these precautions - that seriously worries me.  Or, were you suggesting it if we were having unprotected sex? 

Also, were you on Truvada when you acquired the virus?  I only ask because it is supposed to be pretty effective if taken consistently, and as the previous poster mentioned, if he's also UD, I'd think I were almost totally safe.

Are there other serodiscordant couples who have had long relationships without transmission?  Does the negative partner feel it's inevitable?

I love my boyfriend, and I intend to be with him for a very long time, but I definitely do not intend to become positive if I can help it (not because I think it's an inevitably shorter or more challenging life, but because it comes with its own costs and nuisances).  So I would love to get some clarity on this issue from you, and others.

Thanks again for your thoughtful and personal response.  I do appreciate all insights.

buginme2:

--- Quote from: magneticnegative26 on February 15, 2013, 03:45:11 PM ---Hey Oksikoko,

Thanks for the response.

I feel like I have two vastly different responses, however, and could really use the input of others.  Would you say I'm playing with fire if I'm on Truvada, he's on Atripla and undetectable, we have protected sex, and I occasionally suck his dick after he's wiped all of his cum off of it?

That's basically where we are now... (well, I'm about to go on Atripla, so I've been sucking his dick after he's wiped off cum, but he is UD) - but if you think that my acquisition of the virus is inevitable, even with these precautions - that seriously worries me.  Or, were you suggesting it if we were having unprotected sex? 

Also, were you on Truvada when you acquired the virus?  I only ask because it is supposed to be pretty effective if taken consistently, and as the previous poster mentioned, if he's also UD, I'd think I were almost totally safe.

Are there other serodiscordant couples who have had long relationships without transmission?  Does the negative partner feel it's inevitable?

I love my boyfriend, and I intend to be with him for a very long time, but I definitely do not intend to become positive if I can help it (not because I think it's an inevitably shorter or more challenging life, but because it comes with its own costs and nuisances).  So I would love to get some clarity on this issue from you, and others.

Thanks again for your thoughtful and personal response.  I do appreciate all insights.

--- End quote ---

I'm positive and my partner is negative.  We have been togther for over 5 years.

If your partner is undetectable on medication for over 6 months AND neither of you have any other STD's (its important that both of you are screened for STD's on a regular basis, especially if y'all have an open relationship) then the risk of transmission is low/approaching zero. If you are also taking Truvada a PrEP, then the risk is even lower. 

You seem to have a bit of anxiety regarding transmission.  I can tell you just from my own experience that I worry about it 1000 times more than my partner does.  One thing that helped him (and I), was that when I was initially diagnosed he came with me to my HIV doc appointments.  That way he could learn just as I did. 

Also, the medical center I go to set him up to see an Internal Medicine doctor that also specializes in treating HIV patients.  That way, his doctor is aware that his partner is positive and they can discuss things in private about HIV.  That helped alleviate those begining worries. 

There are a lot of people who are in relationships with someone of the oppositive status.  It doesnt take all that much effort to prevent transmission. 

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