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I just needed to say this...

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srmn98:
I just read your post. Your situation sounds eerily similar to mine, it made me burst into tears.

I just found out about my status on Monday. I figured it was my ex that cheated, but he came back negative. So ... I somehow managed to become infected despite the fact that I ALWAYS used condoms and I have had relatively few partners.  I know it does not matter how this happened, but that it has. Still, I would really like to know how long this has been going on.  I had meningitis a few years ago, and am now thinking that must have been the start. I had always thought that they had tested me for HIV during my hospital stay .. how could they not ? But they didn't and now I will never know how this happened, only that it has. The denial is difficult to move past, I will get my viral loads and the rest of the bloodwork Monday. I'm just trying to take care of myself until Monday and then figure out how to proceed based on the bloodwork.

I share many of your fears. I cannot tell my parents, even though I need them desperately right now. I want to tell my brother even more, I know he could give me good advice on medicine, etc ... but I just cannot bring myself to call him. I'm also dealing with heartache of losing the relationship with a man I was madly in love with just a few days before the unexpected diagnosis. I'm still heartbroken, and had been hoping before all this happened that he and I would reconcile, but that is impossible now. Heartache seems like a very small emotion right now, but I am scared I will never have a life partner now. Between the heartache, the grief, the loneliness, and the fear, I am not sure what to do. I have a therapy appointment in two hours. I have never seen a therapist but it seems like a good place to start.

Reading this forum is difficult because I identify with so much of what people are feeling. At the same time, it brings me much comfort in a very difficult time. thank you.



mlm:
i know how you feel.... i have been sick for nearly 4 yrs and no one could figure out what was wrong until I started complaining of headaches.......
my first response what the hell have I done to my family and my children???????
My vial oad in Sept 06 ( when diagnosised) was 70,400 CD4 276 within two weeks of more blood work it went to VL 69,000 and CD4 206..... started Atripla ( good insurance!!!!) and feel better than I have in years.... but still need to know the why's and how's.......

tsw923:
Mark,

Thanks for your words of encouragement  :)  It does really help right now to know that this is not just survivable, but liveable.  I completely agree with you, everyone should be tested or at least OFFERED the ability to be tested when they do their annual checkups.  Its just ridiculous that something that can be so life changing isn't tested on a more regular basis.

I will probably go easy on the relationship thing for awhile.  Although I have 'needs'  ;D and I've been a really good girl for almost 2 years, I start thinking about how to relate status and get stuck in the fear-anger loop.  I have to tell myself I've just been dealing with this for maybe 2 months and cut myself some slack I think.  So cold showers for me while I get myself together on that. 

srmn98 and mlm --

I swear I thought it was just me.  I was the running joke amongst my friends.  'Oh well she is sick again.  I guess she'll be out of work for a week :-P'  They'd tease me about getting childhood illnesses in my 30s.  I'd just say that it meant that I was aging VERY slowly.  :-P  I honestly just thought I was run-down due to travelling all the time.   I really want to know when and how myself, but the reality is that the 'milk is spilt' now so we have to deal with the results.  I doubt I even have the number of the guy I was dating 11 years ago. So I couldn't even go find him and deal him bodily harm if I wanted to :-P  Besides, I was there too so I can't get too ticked with him for not doing something that I didn't force the issue on myself. 

srmn98,  I really feel your pain.  I don't know much, but you can definitely reach me if you need to vent.  I have to say it probably took about a month to really sink in and in the meantime I just tried to go to work and go about my daily routine.  If you are seeing a therapist, let me know how it goes.  I've considered it briefly, but haven't done much about it yet.  You may actually try to get a poz mentor.  I think that might help too.  The next few weeks are going to be tough and you'll get information overload on medications, alternatives, etc.  Get a notebook and write down all your questions.  Get copies of your test results from your doc and store them someplace.  And, if you can find the strength to tell your brother, tell him.  I know being able to talk to my sister has helped a lot. It will definitely help to have at least one physically present shoulder to cry on.   

Ty


sdcabincrew74:
This kind of issue is why I believe that all adults should be tested regularly.

HHJ1976:
You know, the thing is this:  If you're having sex, I guess you're at risk.  I was worried about it about a year ago before I got married, but I've always been a known hypochondriac.  My doctor said that HIV was harder to contract, and that I should be more worried about PID or Hep C.  That's why I procrastinated on getting tested.  HIV was one of those things that could happen to someone else, but not me.  That was how I thought about it, and eventually, pushed the fear from my mind.  I didn't have any physical symptoms at all, and I really didn't fit into a "high risk" group.  I was a bit promiscuous in high school and college, but since I became an adult, I was fairly choosy about my partners.  If you read surveys, they say that HIV is more of a common place with low-mid class society and homosexual men.  It's almost as if they are trying to make your fears obsolete.  I think surveys like that are complete and utter crap, now.  If you're having sex, you're at risk, because I can guarantee that I trusted every person I slept with since my last test, and trust just isn't enough, now.

You're still maintaining a sense of humor.  That's awesome.  I've read some about the meds, and they should keep you from getting sick (or as sick)...  Keep your chin up.  It seems that you're doing somewhat well with the news.  :)

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