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Dating/HIV question

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Joe K:
Hey Whitney,

I'm glad you found us and maybe I can help you to understand what may be happening right now.  For most folks, testing poz is a life altering event.  It can take months, even years, for folks to adjust to being poz and that journey can be extremely challenging and difficult.  A common feeling is that once you are poz, you are dirty or unclean and that nobody will ever want you, because you are poz.  Others include guilt over becoming poz, self-loathing for being poz, fear of the unknown, in terms of health, dying, being able to work and enjoy life.

The greatest however, is that feeling that you have let down all the important people in your life.  That because you are now poz, you have damaged your life beyond all repair and it's unfair to ask others to share your deserved misery.  It's an incredible onslaught of thoughts and emotions that takes time to process.

Sadly, the first year of being poz is generally a constant roller-coaster of emotions and the reactions to all of this, affect each of us differently.  Now add all of this,  to the fears of infecting someone you care deeply about and you have some major conflicting emotions.

My guess would be that your boyfriend is pushing you away for many of the aforementioned reasons, because right now, he is so overwhelmed with all that is happening, that he is unable to think clearly.

So what can you do?  Tell him that you will stand by him and if he needs some time to adjust, you understand and you will do all you can to help... and then take a big step back.  Right now, there is only so much you can do, as he needs time to start processing all these thoughts and emotions and again remember, he's simply overloading on emotions right now.

The best thing for the two of you is to have honest communications and to allow yourselves to feel, whatever it is that you feel, without the need to do anything about any of it.  Just because we think or feel something, does not make it true and emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are.

You folks need some time to adjust and the best approach is to remain flexible and supportive and to accept that there are simply some things in life, over which we have no control.  You cannot make him stay, however, I'm not so sure he wants to leave, but I suspect he believes he is doing what is best for both of you.

Your part in all of this, is to be as supportive as you can, while leaving him enough breathing room to begin to sort this all out.  I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but I promise it does get better.  It just takes time and with someone as special and supportive by his side, I suspect you will both come through this together.

Welcome to the forums.

Joe

Whitneyluva:
Thank you all so much for the advice, it was much needed. I just left from visiting with him,  once again we were both crying crocodile tears. After hearing more from him and reading the responses here I have a better understanding. He really is going to need time to adjust to all of this. He admitted to me that he has been putting up a front with me a lot because he didn't want to scare me but he is still very much distrubed by his status. He still thinks its best for us to be friends while he handles this and I will be there to support him as best as possible. I want to be in his life regardless if it is as boyfriends or just friends. He needs the support. Once again thanks guys, I will not be a stranger to this site and will keep you all updated. Who knows? Maybe I'll be the one giving advice some day to someone who will be in my shoes.

jkinatl2:

--- Quote from: Whitneyluva on January 19, 2013, 01:55:54 PM ---Thank you all so much for the advice, it was much needed. I just left from visiting with him,  once again we were both crying crocodile tears. After hearing more from him and reading the responses here I have a better understanding. He really is going to need time to adjust to all of this. He admitted to me that he has been putting up a front with me a lot because he didn't want to scare me but he is still very much distrubed by his status. He still thinks its best for us to be friends while he handles this and I will be there to support him as best as possible. I want to be in his life regardless if it is as boyfriends or just friends. He needs the support. Once again thanks guys, I will not be a stranger to this site and will keep you all updated. Who knows? Maybe I'll be the one giving advice some day to someone who will be in my shoes.

--- End quote ---

What you described is the ultimate goal of these forums :)

YellowFever:
So apparently crocodile tears are real.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/10/071003151131.htm

Ann:
Hi Whitney, welcome to the forums.

You have told us that you and your bf were having sex before his diagnosis, and you tested negative. You also told us that you had been using condoms - and that proves the point that condoms prevent hiv infection. That's all you two will ever need to do in order to protect your own hiv negative status. Seriously. It's as simple as that.

In addition, once he starts meds (or if he is already on them), when he achieves an undetectable viral load that is added protection for you, as a person who is UD is very unlikely to transmit their virus.

In fact, poz/neg couples today are having healthy, hiv negative children "the old fashioned way" - and the negative partner remains negative - when the poz partner's VL has been UD for at least six months prior to trying to conceive. (an added caveat is that both partners are also free of other STIs)

Please read through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use them correctly and with confidence. A correctly used condom rarely breaks.

Hmm... I've just re-read your last post a little more closely and realised you are two guys. I'll let what I said about poz/neg couples having negative children stand, as it illustrates how much an UD VL protects against transmission.


--- Quote from: killfoile on January 19, 2013, 12:41:27 PM ---
The best thing for the two of you is to have honest communications and to allow yourselves to feel, whatever it is that you feel, without the need to do anything about any of it.  Just because we think or feel something, does not make it true and emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are.


--- End quote ---

^^bears repeating^^

Keep standing by him, albeit perhaps from a little bit of distance for the time being. Good luck; if you two are meant to be together, there's no reason why hiv should stop you. There are countless poz/neg couples out there who enjoy life (including a sex life) with each other. No reason why you can't as well. :)

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