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Dating/HIV question

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Greetings everyone,

I just found this site and I think it is great. I hope many people are finding the support they need.  Hopefully, I can find the same. I am negative and i've been dating a guy four about 5 months now. One month in to the courtship he found out that he is hiv positive. It was a big ordeal, a lot of crying and breakdowns. He expected me to leave him but to my surprise I continued dating and the feelings grew even deeper between the two of us. He recently broke up with me because he said that he could not have sex with me out of the fear and love he has for me. He says that he couldnt live with himself if something were to happen to me and he couldn't do that to himself. Once again there was a lot of crying and he even confessed that he loved me. He told me that even though i'm a blessing in his life, I will never know what it feels like to be in his shoes. So i'm seeking guidance from individuals here who are actually in his shoes. I was and still am wanting to date him, have sex with him (we haven't had sex since he found out his status) and go to counseling with him. I never thought he would be the one to leave me. Any advice for me, how can I help him? What should I do? Is this a normal phase?

Whitney -- You've posted in a thread meant for HIV+ folks. You want the "someone I care about"  -- I'm guessing your post will be moved soon. And, then you'll get appropriate replies. Em

Hi Whitney - One fast thought before logging off...have YOU been tested? If not, and you've had unprotected sex with him, get that done. Ciao. Em

Thanks and yes i've seen that it has been moved. Yes i've been tested and am negative, we used protection when we had sex.

Whitney;  Welcome to the forums - thank you for supporting him.  I'll try to answer your questions to the extent that I can, although I think you know that we all process this differently and the best person to answer your questions is your friend.

First, is this a normal phase? From my perspective, yes - I was in a relationship of nine years when I was diagnosed (partner is negative) and expected her to leave me, I thought about leaving, but we are still together.  I will say that I am freaked out about transmitting to her and our sex life has taken a huge hit.  I think the fact that we have been together as long as we have helped us stay together.

How can you help? I think you are doing what you can here -

First, get educated yourself and then help him get educated.  Many of us react to this disease out of ignorance (me included) and the best remedy is knowledge. 

Second, be supportive, again I think you are -- he may process this differently than you, he may need some time to go to counseling himself (which I highly recommend), he may need some space one day and need to talk the next.  Everyone is different, but my experience is that it will take at least a few months to let this sink in and start to think straight -- again, that is my experience.  I also went through a wide range of emotions (and still do to a much lesser degree) of feeling like I really made a big mistake (and my life couldn't be what I thought it was going to be) to knowing that -yes, this was a mistake, but it was a basic human thing that allot of people make and this disease is very manageable.

Third, it will take some time to get his arms around the whole medical thing - getting CD4 and viral load test, evaluating when and which medications to take, learning about the whole medical/insurance side of the disease.

I know that these are not concrete answers - I hope it helps a little, and I wish you both well,



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