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A different future

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It is really hard to get started writing anything but here goes.  I am 32 and I was diagnosed last August.  For the 6 months before I got tested I was sick all the time but kept on working.  Low grade fevers everyday, night sweats, left eye twitching, right eye swollen, nerve pain in my right arm, constant cough.  One night I work up completely drenched in sweat and ordered an HIV test online.  On August 4th is when I got the test results back but really couldn't process anything because I was so sick and still working (major project was launching).  I went to the doctor and started the process of getting better and then 2 weeks later my body just started not working anymore.  The doctor thought I might have TB and Pneumonia but both test came back negative.  My CD4 count was 60.

Now not to say that I was always the model of taking care of my self, in fact I sort of always came up with excuses not to go the doctor and just be in denial.

In my early 20's I was big into taking drugs.  I was a raver kid and the drugs made me feel better about myself.  I stopped taking hard drugs (K,T,Acid,X) when I was 25 when my career demanded it.  I only smoke cigarettes and weed now.  It took me a good 4 months for my body to feel normal again.

I just got my latest lab work back on Friday and my CD4 count is at 685, which is great news but of course all of the emotional backlog is starting.

In terms of my support system - The people that can really help me are there for me and the person I really want in my life, He can't support me the way that I need. 

I am sure this all sounds incoherent but I am trying.  I hope this thread will continue and I can offer more information and get more support.  This is my first step.


Hi Balls,

Welcome to the forums.  You found a great place to turn to, there's a lot of support and information here.  Taking the first step in posting is very therapeutic.  Feel that weight off your shoulders?  It seems as though with you CD4 up, you're on meds and they're working great for you!  Our physical health is only part of the equation and now you can deal with your mental health, again, taking the first step is paramount. 

I'm happy to hear you have a support system in place, it makes a world of difference to have people in your life that are trustworthy, loving and willing to walk this road with you.  I know my friends have been a life saver.  And this person who can't support you the way you need?  An ex-lover? A crush?  Maybe they'll come around?  Without further information, I can say that if they won't love me, then they don't deserve my love.

One of the things I've learned in my mere three months since being diagnosed, is this life changing event I've been through, can be more than "all bad news."  Try and find a silver lining to this.

Best of luck and health to you, keep us posted on your progress.


Hey Balls; 

Sorry that you need to be here, but welcome.

Your post is quite coherent - we all have a different story, relate to our diagnosis in a different way, and tell the story in our own way. I was diagnosed in June, so it is still pretty new for me too - I have had more of an emotional roller coaster than a backlog.  Again, we all process differently.

It sounds like you have a number of good things in your life - your able to make healthy decisions about partying relative to your responsibilities, your CD4s are up, you have a career, and a support system.  I am sorry that the one person you want isn't there for you, which may or may not have to do with being poz. The best news is that your health is much better.

Again welcome and I wish you well,


Hello Balls!!

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the club! You're not alone.

Also , its a VERY good news that your CD4 went up so fast! That means that your treatment is working properly on you.

We have to understand that we are lucky to have the chance of being treated. Dont forget there are many people out there that  is HIV positive and probably will never get access to a medical treatment and will end up the worst way. So, in respecto to all those who would love to get medication and can not, we have to take our treatment seriously and do every step our doctors tell us to .

When I was diagnosed HIV positive, I was also depressed. But then I thought " Hey, I dont have any other thing to worry about. I already have this virus and the only thing I have to do is take the medicine as instructed by my doctor and everything will be ok ".

 I dont know YOU, but I've been always afraid of getting HIV from random people that I had sex with. I was always thinking and thinking things over and over again. But now, since I already have HIV its like I dont have to think about all that again.

Being HIV positive in 2013 is not the same as being HIV positive in the early 80s. If you were diagnosed positive in the 80s you would just have to wait for that final day.  Things have changed for  good , people are still scare, there is a lot of ignorance out there but hopefully you re not alone !

You guys are great.

positivelynerd - I do feel better!

I feel like it is easier to explain more about my life now.  For the past 7 years I have worked my way up in the Entertainment industry and making about 45K a year.  Not bad money but like most thing in entertainment all my jobs were contract based, highly stressful and no insurance.  When I was diagnosis, I was at the point where I couldn't walk up the subway stairs without stopping halfway to catch my breath, My liver was not working at all and the other things I posted.  Even though I never technically had a opportunistic infection, I was still able to get a lot of things to help me out financially.  I stopped working right after my contract was up and probably slept for about a month straight as I was going to multiple doctors and taking so much medicine. 

Now here is where the emotional part is kicking in and it isn't all about the HIV diagnoses.  I have applied to Medicaid and HASA (to help with rent) and I am currently on ADAP.  I am still weak and feel like I need a nap every six hour.  I really shouldn't be upset about getting assistance but I am scared about going back to work.  The job I do requires about 14 hours a day of work (I really don't know how I survived).

What concerns me a little about the Medicaid and HASA is the dependence.  Why go back to work when I can just be on assistance.  I know I am still very weak and I have been doing subcontract work from my home, but I am scared of losing my independence.  I hope this doesn't sound whiny - I know I am getting better and I need the help.

In terms of the guy I want in me life - You guys are so right about him.  I am wasting the good feelings and energy my friends are giving me on someone who doesn't even call to check in on me.  I have never been codependent with anyone but with him, it makes me crazy that he doesn't even text me.  Good riddance.

The second part of the emotional is the actual HIV.  I never really processed anything because I was so sick but now I am dealing with it and was able to get into a newly diagnosed group as well as counseling.  I feel like I have always been a pretty well balanced person who just is a little unorthodox.

I am still trying to find a balance which I never truly had.  I am alive and that is what is important.



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