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Author Topic: Help with disclosing to my partner....  (Read 2007 times)

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Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Help with disclosing to my partner....
« on: January 01, 2013, 09:07:38 AM »
So I just got to that bridge I said I wld cross when I get to it, and it has to do with disclosing to my partner.

After the second encounter with the lady who infected me, she happened to find out about it and then I told her how it happened and how sorry I was, the 1st thing she asked was, hope you used a condom and was practically in tears and i said yes, I didn't tell her the condom broke and I didn't know ( or was to far gone to care), and she forgave me and we have moved on, coincidentally we decided that we must use condoms each time we have seen just before I met with this lady that infected me.

It's been about 3wks since I got my dx, and I've been without any form of support, therapy or family and have dealt with this alone and it wasn't funny at the early stages buh i managed to hold it together and keep it from my friends and my girl friend, and I decided I wld tell her after the Xmas and new year celebrations (hoping it wld neva come), buh alas its here.

I really do need help on how to break this news to her, and my sincere prayers is that I hope I haven't infected her, cos that wld kill me deep with in.

How do I get over this bridge?
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2013, 09:42:58 AM »
Hey Sky,

As a pilot, you're accustomed to planning toward a destination, a known airport. With disclosure, you don't know where you'll land. It's a crap shoot and it can also change over time as relationships do.

If you accept that the worst-case scenario, if this is a relationship you want to continue, might be that she opts to stop seeing you, then all will fall into place.

Envision the worst reaction and result, accept it and then make a plan to tell her the truth. She already knows of the indiscretion, so add all of the details you withheld and explain how you wanted to leave the holidays intact.

You're asking for advice -- so it's always going to be shaped by the advisor's perspective and experience. Hopefully, you'll get a few more views here. Another view to consider, to fully shape your vision. What if the tables were turned? What if your partner came to you to tell you of her diagnosis - how do you think you would respond and what would result?

I'm slightly confused why you believe she could have been infected via you when you note use of condoms with her started before your affair. Apparently, you perceive having put her at risk somehow. No matter how she reacts, offer to accompany her to be tested. She may be angry, too, that you waited to tell her in addition to your new status.

Never comfy--whether with a partner or someone you'd like to have as a partner.
There's risk involved, but you know it's a must on the to do list, so being as genuine and gentle as you can delivering the news might also be advisable. Unless she's the sort of woman who wants a no nonsense, hard facts, approach-- you know her and should be able to gauge how to say things to her.

Em
« Last Edit: January 01, 2013, 09:57:08 AM by emeraldize »

Offline MilburnCreek

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Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2013, 09:55:30 PM »
Sky, my advice is based on helping gay men come out to their wives, and so, while it is slightly different, I think it remains valid:

As you think non-stop about this (as you have been, and as you will), you need to ABANDON any hope to "direct' the conversation, "control' your partner's emotions, or 'let them down easy.' 

You have no right to control how they feel, or how they react.  They are an adult, entitled to their own way of processing information.

Once you decide that what you must do is communicate the information and not control the outcome, it will be much easier for you.  In essence, you will be in control only of those things which you can control, and over which you have a right to control.

Best of luck to you....

Offline Mrmojorisin

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Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2013, 12:14:00 AM »
Sky, my advice is based on helping gay men come out to their wives, and so, while it is slightly different, I think it remains valid:

As you think non-stop about this (as you have been, and as you will), you need to ABANDON any hope to "direct' the conversation, "control' your partner's emotions, or 'let them down easy.' 

You have no right to control how they feel, or how they react.  They are an adult, entitled to their own way of processing information.

Once you decide that what you must do is communicate the information and not control the outcome, it will be much easier for you.  In essence, you will be in control only of those things which you can control, and over which you have a right to control.

Best of luck to you....

 This is absolutly correct. I had to disclose to my wife..I admitted being positive and the affair at the same time. I was diagnosed in may and disclosed to her in june. She has run the whole spectrum of emotions. Starting with telling me to go to hell. She is negative. We are in counseling. When she gets angry and starts her accusations and yelling I just let her vent. I resist the urge to defend my actions or try to give a rebuttel. I just take it. In a way I deserve her verbal assaults, but I realize it is her letting her emotions out and working her way through this.
 One thing you will have to understand is that you relationship is going to change. It will not go back to what it was before. It can get better. Are we ok now? No not yet, we are still working through everything. But we have gotten close. We have more honesty than we did before. This brought to the surface several other problems that we had been ignoring for a while. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to talk..
« Last Edit: January 02, 2013, 12:26:36 AM by Mrmojorisin »
Started Meds On 5/1/2012 Norvair, Truvada, Prezista, and Bactrim

4/17/2012--CD4 83/ VL 353,000  7.0%
5/15/2012--CD4 218/ VL 4,970    14.1%
6/27/2012--CD4 146/ VL 420      6.1%
10/11/2012-CD4-223/ VL-62       9.5%
2/14/2013--CD4-215/ VL-119      13.6%
7/3/2013---CD4-256/ VL-UD       18.0%
10/18/2013 CD4-223/ VL-UD       22.2%
01/23/2014-CD4-381/VL-UD       25.3%

"arrrrhhhhh ahhrrhhhhh aaaarrhhh"- Chewbacca

Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2013, 04:22:43 AM »
I appreciate the comments so far....i know things would change and honestly don't have an idea in what way it would swing. In all of this my earnest prayers is for her to be negative....she can walk away from the relationship, it's okay by me....buh God please she has to be negative....it would be too big a burden to bear knowing I infected her.
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2013, 07:35:56 AM »
If you believe there's a chance you infected her, then the sooner you let her know the better for her, and for you.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2013, 09:15:04 AM »
coincidentally we decided that we must use condoms each time we have seen just before I met with this lady that infected me.


You seem to be worried about a few unknowns here.  Maybe pick them apart and treat separately.  For example, if I read your post correctly, you have used condoms with your partner since before you got HIV.   If so, you haven't passed the virus to your partner.  That fear contributes to your immobility, but maybe its for nothing.

I agree with other posters.  The sooner you tell your partner, the better.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline skycee

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  • Posts: 71
  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Help with disclosing to my partner (the cat is out of the bag)
« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2013, 12:22:47 AM »
So yesterday night, i summoned all the strenght in me and as we laid down to sleep, i said to my girl friend "baby i need us to talk", i was holding her close and i started narrating my story, i bet i mumbled about a whole lot of things, jjust hovering looking for the right way to put it, then eventually it came out "i tested positive, I'm living with hiv, I've  always heard about it on the media and it felt so far fetched, buh now it feels so real".

We cried a lil, and i told her, you need to test, i need to be certain you are ok, i would go with you and i would hold your hands, its scary, buh i will stand by you. And we agreed on it.

I'm super grateful for all the support I've gotten from this noble forum, that has become more of a home for me, my cyber home. All the support i needed i got from here, information and encouragement. Thank you all. I'm most grateful.
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Help with disclosing to my partner (the cat is out of the bag)
« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2013, 01:48:57 AM »
So yesterday night, i summoned all the strenght in me and as we laid down to sleep, i said to my girl friend "baby i need us to talk", i was holding her close and i started narrating my story, i bet i mumbled about a whole lot of things, jjust hovering looking for the right way to put it, then eventually it came out "i tested positive, I'm living with hiv, I've  always heard about it on the media and it felt so far fetched, buh now it feels so real".

We cried a lil, and i told her, you need to test, i need to be certain you are ok, i would go with you and i would hold your hands, its scary, buh i will stand by you. And we agreed on it.

I'm super grateful for all the support I've gotten from this noble forum, that has become more of a home for me, my cyber home. All the support i needed i got from here, information and encouragement. Thank you all. I'm most grateful.

Reads as if it turned out quite well, Sky. Congratulations and no doubt you're breathing much easier now. Now you know, of course, we're all gonna wanna know her status.  So, you have another chapter to add to your story -- okay?

Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2013, 06:31:39 AM »
Phew,you bet I'm breathing better now, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder and i will get back to the  house on her status after the test. Wish us well
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2013, 08:54:16 AM »
That's great that you told her, for you, and for her. The right thing to do.

I still dont understand all this worry about you transmitting hiv to her.  If I read your post correctly.  Which seems to say that you wore condoms with her, started wearing the condoms before you got HIV from another person.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2013, 10:22:21 AM »
Thing is, the decision to always practice safe sex and my contact with the lady that infected me happened same period....I'm not certain of the exact dates, and how it over laps, if its event A before B or B before A. You agree with me that the results wld be different for both cases.
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2013, 01:30:51 PM »
Phew,you bet I'm breathing better now, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder and i will get back to the  house on her status after the test. Wish us well

We surely do wish you well. Good on you for moving on this.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #13 on: January 06, 2013, 05:31:48 PM »
OK keeping my fingers crossed for your honey. And congrats on moving forward.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2013, 09:50:45 AM »
Good day all....

Should have been here earlier buh for some weird reason I cant access the forum on my blackberry phone and on my playbook, just tried my laptop and I had acess.

My news is in 2folds. Good and Bad

So I disclosed to my girl friend about my status and stronger than I expected and we decided we would go see the doctor on Wednesday the 16th for her to test though I pleaded that we go earlier, however she said Wednesday was fine. We had to deal with the anxiety of the possibility of testing positive and I kept reassuring her to be calm.

So on Saturday morning, we had a condom break  :'( :'( :'( I presumed I caught it just on time as I slipped out immediately the condom broke, and then we cleaned up and I hoped everything was ok, she came back from work that same day and told me that the entire front end of the condom was lodged in her......gosh :'( :'( :'( :'(....I felt so stupid. (that's the bad part of the gist)

On Monday, roughly 48hrs after the incident, we went to hospital, and she tested negative (that's the good part) and she was started off on PEP. and will have to do another test in about 6weeks.

Guess the saga is still on..... :o

On the other hand, I need my access to be unlocked so I can access the forum from my phone and tab, these past few days hasn't been pleasant not knowing whats been happening to my new family.
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2013, 10:08:43 AM »
Glad to hear that your girlfriend is cool with the status - damn if the timing on the condom break wasn't unfortunate.

Sounds like you have that situation well under control though. More people like you need to tell their stories, so people afraid to disclose to new partners or new relationships know that it's entirely possible for grownups to behave like grownups all around.

Like another poster said, everybody has something. My boyfriend got an ostomy six months after we started dating. Suddenly I wasn't the "sick" one. Just goes to show.

I have every confidence that your girlfriend will come through this OK. If I can ask, what regimen is she on for PEP? Maybe you could steer her to the LESSONS on this forum about the meds she is taking, to give her ammunition regarding potential side effects and the like.

BTW, I hope your doctor realizes that an HIV test taken WHILE she is on PEP is worthless. PEP, as you know, is simply a round of antivirals, same as the stuff we take for our HIV infection. Because it suppresses the virus, it also inhibits the body's ability to produce initial antibodies.

Sad to say, your girlfriend's first test ought to be six weeks AFTER completion of PEP. Or ten weeks from the date she started the pills.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2013, 10:19:08 AM »
The thing is we wanted to run a test 2st to confirm her status, cos I was afraid I may have infected her, and you would agree with me that if she tested poz then the PEP wont be necessary.

I cant remember the name now,  buh it is a generic form of the Atripal and yes the doctor does realize your concern about doing a test while on PEP, she would be on the regime for 1month (I presume) and then should test about 2 weeks after that, then we would do another test 3 months after that.

All in all I just wish the condom didn't break.
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2013, 10:25:18 AM »
All in all I just wish the condom didn't break.

Next time you run across Ann's posts, look at her tagline. She has links to condom use and options all over the place. I was going to put similar stuff in my tagline for when I do the AM I forum stuff, but she really has it covered.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: Help with disclosing to my partner....
« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2013, 07:11:16 PM »
also wear larger condones.  the ones you are using seems too small.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

 


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