Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

A roller coaster ride.....

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skycee:
So i was at salon today and picked up a journal that had an article from a mum that lost her child  to hiv, she was dx at age of 18 and had a cd4 of 17 when she started ARV she neva quite responded  to drugs and died about 5yrs later (this year), she gave brief details of issues she had before she finally died.

i couldn't finish reading article, i dropped it and threw magazine far away from me, and this voice in my head kept say, you still haven't realized depth of what you are dealing with, "you still feel its fun and games"...and i sank into depression after reading that article.

There are days I'm up and about and there are days, i feel so beaten up and can't find wind in my sail, i just sit and wonder, what have i don  to myself, how could i have placed this restriction on my future, what is price  to redeem myself...

Right now i feel so down. I'm not on meds yet and that alone is mind bugging, keep wondering what if my cd4 plumates from 546  to below 200 and I'm just there living healthy not having slightest idea what's going on in me. i just feel like crying. What have i done  to my future.

Lord i need help....help me Lord, can't do this without you....

Cojo:
Hey Sky

Your post really resonated with me. Sometimes I feel quite optimistic about this bug and my logical side reminds me that the virus can be controlled by ART and that many folks are living happy, normal lives. The other times there is a deep seeded fear that this is deadly and my very mortality may be living on a hope and prayer. It seems at times that the polar opposites in thought can coexist and that space in the middle for me fluctuates between faith and fear.
I guess none of us, + or - really do know the time nor the hour....

skycee:
Thanks cojo  for relating with my fears, that creeps in every now and then....as of now, I feel healthy, occasionally body aches here and there buh my mind won't rest even after my doctor says I wld be fine and shouldn't worry or stress. Owing to the fact that I don't have any form of physical support now, I think I'm doing quite well holding this together and still manage to get the motivation to go for my flying lessons.

I know the ultimate end of every being is death, however no one wants to die and no one wants to experience a painful death that wld leave family and friends in anguish and i think that where most of my worry lies.

Hopefully someday I would live way above these tots.....for now I just pray about them and find peace in Christ.

mecch:
Skycee, you have got to snap out of this dark thinking about HIV.  You are thinking about HIV and AIDS tragic stories, horror stories, and applying them to your life now and your future.  First of all, this is the THIRD worst way to live well being HIV+.  (The WORST way is denial that HIV is serious, and not taking medicine. The SECOND worst is being HIV+ and having no access to medical care).

I want to ask you to again clarify -  that you will have medical care and access to meds in your life.  If so.... HIV IS A VERY MANAGEABLE HEALTH CONDITION. 

It may be human to have empathy and sympathy and sadness and FEAR, a little bit of involuntary fear, yes, when you read a horror story about a disease.  But you have GOT to apply all your intelligence to keeping rational and optimistic about today and the future.

Please stop applying a few bad stories, and/or stories from 20 years ago, and/or the hideous conditions of people less fortunate than you, to yourself.  Millions of HIV+ people are living healthy, yes healthy, and productive lives. They are not slowly painfully dying lingering horrible deaths.  Snap out of it man.

Or explain why you think you have only this hideous destiny, maybe I am missing something here.

The young person in that article didn't have, at all, an experience that relates to yours.

You just got HIV and its normal to have rolling thoughts but the way to stop them is learning about the disease, the facts, how it all likely works out in YOUR situation, and so on. 


skycee:
Thanks Mecch for the response, i do appericiate....i needed the strong firm words....it does help  to snap out of those bad thoughts.

i should have access  to meds, I'm from a west african country, buh currently learning  to fly  to be a commercial airline pilot in south africa. Though hralth care is really shitty back home, i really don't know what  to expect when i go back home.

For now, I've not been able  to find a support group and my family is unaware of ny status, hence is quite painful when they do call  to ask how I'm doing i have  to put up a front that all is well.

i also fear that i may no be able  to get a job when I'm done with my program, which I'm determined  to finish. Securing a good job wld definately help me a lot as regards affording meds and the life long healthcare, however if for some reason i can't get a job due  to my status, i fear been a liability  to anyone.

I'm actually doing a great job managing this all by myself, keeping it from friends and family, and still manage  to go on my training flights and study for my exams, buh like we all know every now and then the mind tends  to drift and can thinkof the worst their is. .

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