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He never told me...One of many lies

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Rod Dan:
I am 38 years old.  I have a 20 year old daughter, a 15 year old daughter (from a previous marriage) and now a nine month old son by a man who is HIV positive and never told me.
A few months ago I was snooping because I thought he was cheating and I found paper work with his HIV diagnosis.  He was diagnosed in 1996. During the pregnancy I was tested 3 times, 1 at my annual in June 2011 at the very beginning of the pregnancy, then in October because I felt he was cheating, then in January 2012 because they test all women towards the end.  All those test were negative.

I have made some stupid mistakes with this man from the beginning. The first night the condom broke and me not knowing as much as I'd like to think I know never required one be used after that believing if he had something I would of had it then and there.  Once I had all the hiv test during the pregnancy I assumed he was negative too stupid now I know. When The condom broke I had a dicussion with him about status which he reassured me he was negative which was a lie.  He also told me he had a vasectomy another lie.  Through out this relationship there have been many lies, he cheated with more than one woman and every time I let him convince that he didn't cheat or lie when the truth was right in front of my eyes.  I was in love with him and wanted to believe and I was pregnant.
Prior to finding out his status I wanted to break up.  He had begun starting a lot of arguments with me, mostly about insignificant things.  He also started acting really hyper all the time to the point that I was so annoyed everytime he was at my house. But then I would give him a chance because he would find a way to make me laugh and I tried to put up with the other stuff.
Now that I know the truth.  I have tried to break up with him and I feel threatened into staying in this relationship.  He makes comments about running off with my son.  He becomes argumentative and wants to always put my son in the middle.  I don't trust him at all and do not want him to take my son anywhere. If I make it seem that we're going to work everything out he doesn't stress me so much about my son.  But he still starts these arguments.
I've been kinder than I have to be given what he has done.  I've tried to forgive him and be nice to him although he deceived me and put my life at risk.  I have tried to understand (although I don't understand) why he would not disclose to me.  I feel like a prisoner or a slave.  I was raped when I was 15 and now I feel like I got raped again. I wasn't given a choice.
Since I found out his status I have had 3 antibody tests a antigen test and a PCR test, everything was negative  and my son is negative thank God but it was still wrong what he did.
Everything I am reading lately about the laws seems to be heading more and more toward protecting the person with hiv.  Which yes I took a risk but I don't think he had the right to do what he did.  He never tried to protect me or many other women.  Will some one please tell me what my rights are here, can I prosecute him? I'm tired of living like this...

Rod Dan; Welcome to the forums and it is good to hear that you and your son have tested negative.

In terms of prosecution, I have no idea - but perhaps the more immediate issue is removing yourself from this unhealthy relationship. I understand that getting out of abusive relationships is easier said than done - and much easier to give the advice than to act on the advice.  It may help to get some individual counseling to help extract yourself from this situation.

I really with you well,

Rod, the criminalisation of hiv is a big problem - because it is often what's behind people refusing to disclose their hiv status. It also prevents people from getting tested because laws that prosecute people with hiv effectively turn us into potential criminals for simply doing what most human beings do at some point - have sex.

His hiv status has nothing to do with him threatening to kidnap your child. It would seem to me that your best recourse would be to have a restraining order taken out against him on the basis of his threats. Again, this has nothing to do with his hiv status.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not condoning his lack of disclosure. HOWEVER, it is not a criminal matter, it's a moral one.

At the end of the day, it's YOUR responsibility to protect your health by insisting on condoms until you've been in a securely monogamous relationship where you have BOTH tested negative for hiv and other STIs as well.

And in the case of a condom break, it's also your responsibility to get checked out afterwards, rather than just assuming the worst has already happened and carry on condomless afterwards.

You've come out of this hiv negative. It's time to cut your losses and get out of the relationship (it sounds like he'd be a loser regardless of his hiv status). Get the law involved ONLY to protect your son against being kidnapped and to protect yourself from any possible violence from this man. This has NOTHING to do with his hiv status.

By the way, I deleted the posts you left in the Woman's forum. As someone who is not hiv positive, you are only permitted to post in this forum, the Am I Infected? forum and the Off Topic forum. Keep in mind that the OT forum is ONLY for subjects that have nothing to do with hiv.



--- Quote from: Rod Dan on December 11, 2012, 09:00:41 PM ---Through out this relationship there have been many lies, he cheated with more than one woman and every time I let him convince that he didn't cheat or lie when the truth was right in front of my eyes.  I was in love with him and wanted to believe and I was pregnant.

--- End quote ---

There are a couple of things that you talk about in your post that hit home for me. So I thought I would comment to empathize with you.  For example the above.
I was 14 years with a liar.  At the end, when so many of his lies were revealed, his lies and manipulations and threats INCREASED. (So, please be careful. You both know now that he lies.  That is why "threat" has entered the relation. Its a dangerous power game.)

This mess of fakeness and this messy end of the relation pretty much tore me apart.

There were three VERY difficult challenges that presented at that point.  Maybe this will strike home for you.

1) Why does someone lie so much?  Why are there such lying people in the world?  And to boot - they lie to people they probably care about (they do care, most liars.  only a few pathological liars are also "psychopaths" or criminal narcissists, i think.) How am I ever going to trust anyone. etc etc.

2) Why did I let myself believe the lies. Why did I get involved with someone like this.  What is my responsibility for the crap fear danger sadness my life is now filled with?  Am i self-destructive?

3) Even knowing what I know, how come I still have feelings for him? How am I going to deal with him (the actual person) - and my feelings for him - going forward? - Because i must leave, and i must never go back to him . But he's not going to disappear from existence because....

(well for me because we had all the same friends and live in the same city and have joint property.  And for you... because..... obviously your son together... and what else...)

You can't change him.  You must get him out of your daily life and remove any control he has over you. 

As Ann points out, its a tangent, and a moral landmine, to be pursuing the HIV angle on this.  Yeah that sucks his nondisclosure.  Just further evidence to please get him out of your life, and avoid such tangled up relationships in the future. Getting him out of your life and avoiding such relationships are your responsibility and also, they are possible.  Changing him is not possible.

Rely on YOUR friends, your family, and a therapist/social worker, to help you through this. You deserve a more straightforward life and relationship. Everyone does.

Rod Dan:
Thank you everyone for the advice... Im just so scared.  He does things that make me feel that he is in denial or just doesn't care and I dont want him to do anything to try to infect me or my son... I'm terrified of him and I feel like if I try to get an order of protection he will try to hurt me.  I don't trust that he will take proper precautions.  I want him completely removed from our lives.  He has had hiv for 17 years and numerous relationships he has 9 children by 8 different women and various other women he's been with.  I called one of his recent ex's and he never told her either and had unprotected sex with her.  I believe he infected his ex wife based on the story he tells about her.  He told me everything except that, which now seems to make the story make sense.  I think in part this does have to do with his status.  When the condom broke I immediatley got tested and asked him to go, which he agreed to but then changed plans at the last minute.  We had numerous conversations about it and every time he lied.  I have been getting tested routinely every year since 1992.  I take it seriously.  I just don't think its fair for someone like him to be roaming the street looking for sex where ever he can find it and being so irresponsible.  I know one mistep can change ones life forever and I have been extremely lucky  but he is making choices for others that he does not have the right to.  At what point does he have a moral and legal responsibility?


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