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Author Topic: Trying to sum it all up  (Read 4059 times)

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Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Trying to sum it all up
« on: December 10, 2012, 12:41:41 PM »
Just got back from Clinic and I'm still trying. To wrap my head around the Whole poz thing and maybe make sense of it all. This is my story.

I am in my early 30s and currently studying in SA  To be an airline pilot. I've always been a pacesetter  in all i do, a forerunner a goal getter, so when i decided To quit my job cos i had a dream To fly planes, my family supported me fully. And when i resigned, i was like an inspiration To so many of The Staff, cos i made them believe that people can actually follow their dreams.

So today I'm here wondering, if i actually made a good choice, if i had stayed back home, maybe i won't have crossed This Path that brought this status my way.

My training program has been going on pretty well and i must say i was doing well, and very well at that and should be rounding up The 1st phase soon, sometime in sept a friend of mine finished his program and had a party, i don't usually drink, buh that night i had too much to drink and as the Party progressed i spotted this lady we got talking and with all the alchy in my blood stream, i guess i wasn't thinking right. I took her home and we had sex, it was protected, hot and steamy and when i was done i pulled out and saw loads of blood all over my pecker, and the condom had ripped off.

I jumped off and ran To the bathroom and cleaned up, she did same too, i asked her if she had tested lately and she was like yes that she's negative that i don't need. To worry. I trust so easily and i took her words for it.

A couple of weeks later, in october, i woke up one sunday morning and i was feeling nauseous i puked all morning and had To goto a pharmacy to get something to control it, i felt very weak, which i attributed. To the Fact that i had bin throwing up.

A few days after that i had a sore throat, and i treated that and then i had a bad flu, that was when all my alarms started going of in my head. I do lots of research so i went To google and searched for the symptoms  for hiv and BAM right in my face, i see flu like symptoms as the 1st and then sore throat as the 2nd i then knew i was in deep shit.

I felt around my neck and there was this lil lump just under my ear and i could have sworn that it was never there, buh for some reason i believed i wld be fine. I treated the Flu and then i observed i was unusually tired and the swelling in my throat didn't go away and then I discovered another on my groin.

I went. To. Internet and started my research and that was when i found this site, and on. 20th of November as scary as it was i went to the clinic and told the doctor that i think I've bin exposed. To the virus and as at this time i had a very bad sore throat and swollen tonsil (never experienced it in my over 30yrs) it was so painful and i couldn't swallow. I ran a test and the next day i came back for the result and it was "indeterminate"...fuck, i so prayed for a negative result now I'm on the Boarder line, i discussed with the Doctor and he said i wld have. To do another in 10-14days, when i got home that day i locked myself in and cried, i really cried, gosh i cried. When i was tired i got up washed up and took my Meds i was given for the swollen tonsils and i slept off.

A few days later i went. To another clinic and requested for the Instant test which came out negative, that gave me some relief and for the 1st time in over a month i started feeling well,. Sore throat gone,. Tonsils gone,. Flu and i said. To myself it must have been my mind.

Buh as the Days went by, i felt lots of changes in my body that made me realize that i wasn't in the Clear yet. I felt something was crawling under my skin, body pains, i lost like 4-5kg and felt very skinny in my face, once my instructor commented on the Fact that i had lost weight and I've managed to maintain 73kg and i don't have a good eating habit, and barely eat, left. To me i just want to stay without food and eat only when I'm hungry and that could be once in a day.

On friday i went for. Blood work and i had the Longest weekend ever, i had To move in with my friends cos my House was so lonely and i spent the Entire time thinking and brooding, I've thought about a lot of things, read a lot of stuff here, my Insomnia increased and i was depressed, no matter how funny a joke was i couldn't laugh, either i was too tired or I'm just too depressed, I kept to myself more and became very anti social, i kept staring at myself in any mirror and i see just a shadow of myself, i tried eating more, buh i still felt tired after eating, my body was just not responding, it felt like a car with flat batteries, and i kept cranking it to get up and go buh it won't. When i do fall asleep, it could be for 5mins and then i get a brain wave HIV and then instantly the sleep goes just the Way it came and i pick up my phone and come over to the forum to look for new stuff or any stuff.

Today i got all the strenght in me and i walked into the Doctors office, and i already knew what the verdict was, though i made deals with God that if this comes out negative i did turn around from anything evil and serve him faithfully forever (He is still God and i will still serve him, whatever the result is). And he said it, your result came out positive, I've always know positive to be a good thing buh just this once in my life i wanted to be negative, i guess i had prepared myself for it and i was strong as we spoke, i asked him a couple of questions and asked for some meds. To help me sleep. They drew some more blood for. Cd4 count and i wld check back on wednesday. To findo ut what's next

Now the Hard part, is how do i explain it. To all those that believed in me, how do i bring this To my parents, i really wish my mum was with me over here, in the  Past month there are days i just feel like holding her and for her to say "my son it is well with you"buh I'm all alone and I can't tell her she's too fragile, my dad wld be so disappointed in me, and all my sibblings wld feel I've failed them. What would happen. To my career, can i even complete my training, what does the future hold for me as an airline pilot living with hiv.I'm in a foreign land and don't know much about the  Medical plan here though I've started asking questions and making enquiry, I'm sponsoring myself and have barely enough money for my training now i have to contend with this, health care in my home country is not as nice and i wonder what wld happen if i do go back home.

I read about numerous symptoms and and side effects and i just wonder, and I'm still wondering, and i just wish i can cry, maybe cry all Virus out  wasting, lypo, losing facial fat, neuro issues, liver and kidney issues   if i ever get ill here who will take  care of me as i don't have any family here.

This is my story, this is my story...thanks. To Ann, I've bin trying. To send her mails all through the weekend To tell her how i felt buh the Mail button on her profile wasn't there, she's a mum and she's gone through this for years and i needed someone to speak to that would understand. Thanks to HZ, she was with me via bbm as i went. To. Clinic today and kept encouraging me. That all will be well.
Today, i start a new phase, a second chance of my life.

I'm skycee and I'm positive.

Still thinking can I still fly....... :'(
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2012, 01:14:50 PM »
Welcome to the Forums Sky . I know its tough finding out you are POZ , that's something we all have in common . Its almost always universally true that it does get better in time .

I can see from your post you are ambitious and goal driven and that doesn't have to change one bit . I encourage you to keep on keeping on chasing your dreams .
I know this is a all a shock to you but like I said , it gets better in time and you will see that your whole life is there for to enjoy once you make the adjustment .

Online mecch

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  • Posts: 11,504
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2012, 01:34:08 PM »
Hello. I am sorry you got HIV positive, but glad you joined this forum.

As to "how to explain it".  Sounds like you got HIV through sex. That's how most of us here got it.  Everyone around the world pretty much knows that sex has a risk for STD - sexually transmitted disease.  Most sexually active people probably get one or two at least in their lifetimes.  So if you tell anyone you have HIV, that person should be able to figure out "how" you got it. If anyone insists on an "explanation" i don't think you owe such a stupid question any of your time or energy.  But a simple "accident during sex" should suffice.

I hope in time you see that you personally do NOT have to believe in any limitations placed by a culture on what an HIV+ person can and can't do.  I mean, we all have to fight prejudice and bias and stigma and discrimination.  But we personally don't have to "explain" anything to anyone -- other than our equal rights. 
« Last Edit: December 10, 2012, 01:36:12 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline skycee

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  • Posts: 72
  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2012, 02:20:02 PM »
Thanks jg and meech.....

Are there any south African here, or pilots.....
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline Hzandi

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  • Posts: 11
  • Success comes in cans, not in cant's
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2012, 02:29:44 PM »
Hey Skycee.... All will be well... Yip... I'm here... I'm south African and a Pilot... NOT...  8)

Welcome and yeah... Wish i could say more but i think the guys have covered it all..
You have brains in your head.
 You have feet in your shoes.
 You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
 You're on your own.
 And you know what you know.
 You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
 ~Dr. Seuss

Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2012, 02:39:45 PM »
Thanks hzandi...u have been great today
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2012, 06:02:31 PM »
If there's one thing successful pilots can do a tad better than some of us, it's focusing.

Shake this off as fast as you can. I mean it -- you're a young man with a lot of flying and living to do. You're positive. How soon are you to graduate from training?

BTW, you don't need an SA, poz pilot buddy as much as you need to finish up and get on with your goal. You need privacy and then some employment.

You're gonna fly by instruments for a while now -- you got it? Viral load, CD4, and training schedule. No long looks from the cockpit to the horizon. Use whatever aviation analogies will get you to the finish line.

You've got a bit of a bad fuel mix and you can straighten it out with medications when you're told. You found this site so you've got a parachute and you can get plenty of loft and repair from the veterans here.

Communicate with the tower only (your doc) until you've filed a flight plan (i.e. get your medical options in line, maybe you won't have to go on meds for some time, and do some quiet research about HIV and aviation -- it's a guarantee there are poz pilots).

You can do this. Don't screw the pooch in your mind with no reasons. Basics. Information. Pre-flight checklist. Keep your head on.

Here's how the US deals: http://www.faa.gov/about/office_org/headquarters_offices/avs/offices/aam/ame/guide/dec_cons/disease_prot/hiv/

Find out what gives in the country/countries you hope to be licensed in.

« Last Edit: December 10, 2012, 06:08:14 PM by emeraldize »

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2012, 06:41:58 PM »
If there's one thing successful pilots can do a tad better than some of us, it's focusing.

Shake this off as fast as you can. I mean it -- you're a young man with a lot of flying and living to do. You're positive. How soon are you to graduate from training?

BTW, you don't need an SA, poz pilot buddy as much as you need to finish up and get on with your goal. You need privacy and then some employment.

You're gonna fly by instruments for a while now -- you got it? Viral load, CD4, and training schedule. No long looks from the cockpit to the horizon. Use whatever aviation analogies will get you to the finish line.

You've got a bit of a bad fuel mix and you can straighten it out with medications when you're told. You found this site so you've got a parachute and you can get plenty of loft and repair from the veterans here.

Communicate with the tower only (your doc) until you've filed a flight plan (i.e. get your medical options in line, maybe you won't have to go on meds for some time, and do some quiet research about HIV and aviation -- it's a guarantee there are poz pilots).

You can do this. Don't screw the pooch in your mind with no reasons. Basics. Information. Pre-flight checklist. Keep your head on.

Here's how the US deals: http://www.faa.gov/about/office_org/headquarters_offices/avs/offices/aam/ame/guide/dec_cons/disease_prot/hiv/

Find out what gives in the country/countries you hope to be licensed in.



That was an epic post full of win, Emerald. Epic.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline skycee

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  • Posts: 72
  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2012, 11:02:43 PM »
Thanks emerald......I did say I've covered over 2/3 of the private pilot license and have would begin the commercial training....I'm hope to focus even beta and push myself harder to get thorough as fast as I can....

All in all I wish it wasn't so...buh I'm here now so I wld learn to dealwith it
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2012, 11:10:10 PM »
Thanks emerald......I did say I've covered over 2/3 of the private pilot license and have would begin the commercial training....I'm hope to focus even beta and push myself harder to get thorough as fast as I can....

All in all I wish it wasn't so...buh I'm here now so I wld learn to dealwith it

You're welcome Skycee. Sorry, didn't see a reference to your progress so far.
We understand and are rooting for you.

Offline Jmarksto

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  • Posts: 485
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #10 on: December 11, 2012, 01:42:05 AM »
Hey Skycee;

Welcome to the forums, even though it is hard.  Here is a little piece of my story, which I think may resonate a little (although I am not SA or a pilot...).

When I found out I was poz six months ago I was waiting to hear about a big professional opportunity - significantly more responsibility and financial benefit to go with it.  All I could think about was that I have too much to deal with, I hope I don't get the additional responsibility -- Like you, I have been pretty organized, driven, and successful at reaching my goals - and here I was hoping I would fail.

I went to a counselor, and I was a wreck!  My counselor told me that in six months I would be in a very, very different place.  That I would educate myself and learn that this is manageable and that my professional life would flourish.  It was really hard for me to see that at the time -- but here it is six months later, I got the job opportunity and I am doing fine.

As you learn to deal with being poz, you will also learn that your goals and aspirations are as attainable now as they were before your diagnosis.

Take care,
JM


That was an epic post full of win, Emerald. Epic.



I agree -- any flight/pilot analogy would have paled in comparison to Emerald's post.


« Last Edit: December 11, 2012, 01:47:10 AM by Jmarksto »
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #11 on: December 11, 2012, 05:30:29 AM »
Thank you jmark....it's great to hear u r doing fine 6months down the line....

It's really been a trying period now though I think I did give myself pros cos I think I've been holding up well....i slept well for the 1st time in weeks....there's a bad weather so I can't train today....been playing with my friends on the ps3 console and every once in awhile I get a flash in my head "so I'm hiv+".....it wld take awhile to get used to....buh my mental state is now beta now that I know.....

I will live....and I wld live my dream....
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline RiderMan

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  • Posts: 13
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #12 on: December 11, 2012, 09:01:52 AM »
hi skycee...wow, when I read your story I felt like you were writing about me...not the pilot part but the rest.  I also contracted HIV in August from a girl who said she was negative. I felt sick a week later, similar symptoms as you...did test and received 'indeterminant'...what the hell did that mean? I was freaked out also, more tests revealed I was positive (confirmed mid October).  So I can relate, the early road has been very rocky, but I am happy you decided to put a post on this site. 
08-27-2012: contracted
10-17-2012: Positive
10-17-2012: CD4 - 555  VL 7700
11-06-2012: CD4 - 595  VL 20000

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #13 on: December 11, 2012, 10:55:24 AM »
Sky, has your diagnosis been confirmed with a Western Blot?
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline skycee

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  • Posts: 72
  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2012, 11:34:53 AM »
Sadly yes it has.... :(

I'm getting the cd4 count tomorrow.
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline skycee

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  • Posts: 72
  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #15 on: December 12, 2012, 06:18:38 AM »
Just leaving Š clinic now, and my cd4 count is 546, dotor says its ok, and prescribed a multivitamin tablet i could use, he said i don't need  to start treatment till its below 350 as that's Š norm....

He recommended i don't stress and live a healthy life, eat fruits and veggies, get enough rest and that i would be fine....he said he had patients on in this range of cd4 who have. Started meds for over 6yrs.

Buh hey i scared  to my teeth....what if it suddenly plumates into Š dreaded 200 threashold within Š next 6months without my knowing....

i still complained that i pee very frequently and that of late it seems  to be foaming a bit too much and he says its ok, that its not a sign of an infection. Especially as i don't have a burning sensation.

Guys what do u think, really wish leatherman could say something about this, cos i know he is good with cd4 and viral loads correlation
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline skycee

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  • Posts: 72
  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #16 on: December 13, 2012, 11:21:10 AM »
No response from anyone yet..... :'( :'( :'( :'(

I got my multivitamins today and added omega3 to it, whey's protein powder to help with my weight (feel I'm shedding too much weight and need to get a grip on it)....then promised myself I need to start eating more, I've never been a breakfast person so it would be a herculean task.

Guys am I on track?
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Online mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #17 on: December 13, 2012, 11:36:27 AM »
What your doctor told you is standard information to a newly diagnosed person, and true.

THe advice is to live a healthy lifestyle.  And keep regular tabs on your blood numbers, as well as communicating about any other health issues that present, or worry you.

Different countries have different recommendations about when to start HAART. 

Also, in some countries there is more leeway for a doctor and/or an HIV+ person to consider starting at a different time or CD4 or viral level, than the official universal guideline in the country. And still have the insurance coverage paying.

350 is quite common, in many countries.

How many times you see the doctor and get blood work also varies.  If you are worried that 2x a year is not enough, that is perfectly reasonable to worry about.

Anyway, in my country Switzerland it is often several times a year, not 2, at first diagnosis. Then when the docs know more about you and see trends, they adjust.  If you want more than 2x a year now, you should ask your doctor to see if its possible and if its insured (if the cost is an issue, as it is with so many of us).

If you have a peeing concern - then go to a urologist to investigate.  ;D
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #18 on: December 13, 2012, 11:59:02 AM »
Thanks Mecch...
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

Offline Common_ground

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  • Posts: 288
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #19 on: December 13, 2012, 01:06:20 PM »
Hey Sky! Just stopping by saying hi, youll be fine, just try to take it easy.
2011 May - Neg.
2012 June CD4:205, 16% VL:2676 Start Truvada/Stocrin
2012 July  CD4:234, 18% VL:88
2012 Sep  CD4:238, 17% VL:UD
2013 Feb  CD4:257, 24% VL:UD -viramune/truvada
2013 May CD4:276, 26% VL:UD

Offline RiderMan

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  • Posts: 13
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #20 on: December 13, 2012, 05:08:07 PM »
Hi Sky...you and I are at exactly the same spot as far as when we contracted HIV. No meds for me yet but my doc said the same thing as yours...so Meech is right, it seems to be a similar script around the globe.  Take note that if your VL count goes up fast your doc might suggest to start taking meds (my nurse made a reference to this and freaked me out), even if your CD4 count is above 500 (this is your decision also, not only the doctors). 

I would suggest you ask your doc to do a blood test every 2-3 months, this will allow you mind to rest better and be on top of your situation, but what do i know...I am just starting this journey!   
08-27-2012: contracted
10-17-2012: Positive
10-17-2012: CD4 - 555  VL 7700
11-06-2012: CD4 - 595  VL 20000

Offline skycee

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  • oh you are having a bad day? Did you die?
Re: Trying to sum it all up
« Reply #21 on: December 13, 2012, 11:34:08 PM »
Thanks guys....

One more thing, I've got swollen glands, what should I expect.....will they go a away while I'm on the multivitamins and living healthy in the next 6months or would it go when I've started HAART.
Infected September's 2012
Seroconverted October 2012
Elisa test- indeterminate 20th November. 2012
Rapid test - Negative 23th November 2012
Elisa test - Positive 10th December 2012
CD4 - 546, 12th Dec 2012
CD4 600+, VL 6702 26th March 2013

 


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