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New Diagnosis

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newlife2012:
Hi Everyone!

I have been diagnosed as of October 25, 2012.  I am currently not taking any medication, but I am on bactrim.  My last lab on Nov. 5- cd4 160 and VL 100,000.  I will be put on meds any day now.  However, this whole new life has been a rollercoaster for me.  In the beginning of my diagnosis, I was calm about it.  What made me feel even worse is the doctor looking at me with pity telling me that I am soo young and that she feels badly for me.  Not the best approach at all!  It made me feel even worse.  The following day, I did not go to work.  I wanted to act fast since I knew that I was at a low cd 4 count.  I was told that I should have been placed on an antibiotic, so I went back to the clinic to ask the doctor for a script for an antibiotic.  She saw me, so she must have known why I was there.  I had asked her medical assistant after the doctor went into a patient room.  I told the medical assistant that I wanted to script for bactriim.  She came back to tell me that the doctor couldnt give me anything because HIV is not her field of expertise.  I felt powerless after that.  I went crazy, had fear, thought I was going to die, and the emotions were endless.  I went home and sobbed for hours.  The only support I had was my uncle.  I called him up because he was diagnosed in 98 and had KS.  He assured me everything would be ok.  I was so terrified of the news.  These past few weeks, I have been feeling depressed and a lot of axiety.  In the mornings, I dont want to get out of bed to go to work, I wake up thinking of my fears, and the anxiety I will get.  My bed was my comfort zone.  The anxiety I have is an aweful feeling.  So, to give a vivid picture- I futurize my death.  I see it all around me, and I am more in tune with it.  I know that I have to die someday, but after the diagnosis, I felt like I was already dying.  I saw myself in my coffin, seeing my tomb, etc.  As well, I went crazy because I knew of 2 people who were Pos and died of valley fever, which is something we have in the central valley of California.  I do not know their story and how they got it.  I know one had a drug problem and was not taking care of himself.  The other, a friend of mine from the past, but did not seem to be the type to not take his meds.  On Thanksgiving Day I went to my friends grave, and I started crying because that is what I saw in me.  I saw a death sentence for me.  Everytime I would open Facebook up, the tv, see a movie, it was all about death.  I also have the fear of getting cancer.  I am a little better now, but the anxiety hits me badly.  This past weekend my mother and grandmother stayed with me and Sat and Sun I cried like a baby.  I am still grieving over this process.  I feel like my human existence was taken from me.  My mother counseled me and cried with me.  She went through the worse with my uncle.  She took him in to see the ID doctor, and 14 years later he is doing well.  My mom was more calm than I was, and said that I would be ok.  Recently, anyone telling me that, gets me upset because they dont know how I feel.  I dont know if my anxiety is triggered with the stigma that I have in 98 when my uncle had it, when I was 18 years old or for the fact that I am not on medication.  As well, I am also a diabetic on insulin.  I also fear being on HIV medication and how it will affect my organs.  I have gone to see a therapist, and I am doing one of her recommendations.  She said to set aside 10 minutues during the day and talk to God about my fears.  I have done it now for 5 days.  It works a little.  I just have all this anxiety triggered by fear.  I am worried.   

texaninnyc87:
Sorry to hear about all this. In the future if you break things up into paragraphs your posts wlll be much easier to read!
I just got diagnosed a few months back and will get my counts on monday, so i dont know where i stand yet. obsessing about your death will only hurt you in the long run. i would hope your doctors are talking to you about all of this, how youre doing emotionally as well as physically. mine certainly ask a lot of questions about my emotional well being. its very normal for newly diagnosed people to have some anxiety and depression issues, i'm actually going to see a psychiatrist (advice and referrals from my doctors) to get some anti anxiety pills to help me sleep and for when i get really worked up about all of this.
maybe look into other doctors that focus on a more hollistic approach to care. I also think its kind of weird that your doc didnt give you bactrin immediately and youi ahd to seek it out at a clinic
hope you find the help you need!

geobee:
Hey there newlife2012 --

Being upset and crying seems like a reasonable first step to me -- and I'd encourage you to do that and try to get it all out of your system.

Then it's time to take control.   Find a Dr. you respect.  Get informed about medications.  Take good care of yourself.  If you do that you have a very good chance of having a normal life span.  It's hard to take the bull by the horns sometimes, but you can do it.  Hang in there.

Miss Philicia:
It's great that you're both addressing depression/anxiety issues before they can potentially worsen, but I'm a bit concerned about the care timeline going on. It seems like a lot of delay(s) and the lack of immediate bactrim is alarming. Is this doctor/clinic your only option where you live?

newlife2012:
Hi,

Miss Philicia- I was diagnosed at the clinic, but they wouldnt give me a script for bactrim the next day.  I then called 3 ID doctors to see who would see me the soonest.  I ended up getting my uncles doctor who is about 1hr away from me.  I was able to be seen in a week.  The doctor right away put me on bactrim, and they are going to put me on a trial.  We bypassed using my insurance to get the geno. I had to then redo a urine analysis because of sugar present, which duh, I am diabetic.  It was protocol.  I just got a call from the nurse and said to come in tomorrow to start meds.  I asked the doctor last Friday what was the reason for putting me on the trial, and he said that his patients do better on a trial.

Texan-I will ask to see if they would give me anti-anxiety pills.

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