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Author Topic: a little over a month, on meds, and have a delusional way of thinking  (Read 2139 times)

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Offline thepostergirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
hello all - nice to meet you - i've been around for a month now but too shy and afraid to post. i've had my news for over a month now and have started to stribild. i've been on it for a little over a week and it makes me soo tired... anyhow that's not my problem.

my problem is i have this delusion that i'll never find love and that i might hurt anyone i come into contact with. keeping it all inside is killing me and knowing that i have limitations now hurts as i'm sure you all are dealing with... how do i keep myself in a more positive mindset and keep my head up.. i don't want to further damage my psyche by negative thought and action. any advice is welcome. thanks for having me. -echo
Diagnosed : October 2012
CD4 count high
Viral load 19,600
Started Stribild
Viral load is now undetectable

Offline WindySkies

  • Member
  • Posts: 113
  • Tested + 10/11/12
Re: a little over a month, on meds, and have a delusional way of thinking
« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2012, 09:58:51 PM »
It's been a pretty lonely month and a half for me as well.  I haven't told any friends or family, and every time I think about dating, I instantly think about the possible rejection, or having to explain to someone about my status.

Before I was diagnosed I was starting to pursue a neighbor to date, and now I have pretty much given up on it.  It's not that I'm no longer interested, I just don't want to have to reveal my status to her, and I don't think she would be willing to date me because of that either.  Now when I see her I just have to smile and pretend.  As much as we would all like to dream that people won't treat us differently, reality is a whole different thing.

I don't know if I will ever find anyone now, regardless if others have done it or not.  I'm sure a few will chime in here and tell us how they found someone, and good for them for doing so, that doesn't mean it's the same for everyone.

For me what I have let consume my and my thoughts for now has been other stuff, namely swimming and eating right.  I figure I can make myself feel good, and once that happens I might be able to attract someone with my good attitude and feelings.  Yesterday I was able to go out and buy a bunch of new jeans because my old ones are now too big.

Ultimately though people in our situation just have to let things play out as they are meant to be.  As a girl it might be easier for you to eventually find someone then it is for a guy, but who knows. 

Find something you can do for yourself that will make you feel good, even if we can't have someone, we always have ourselves.  Who knows, maybe I'll just find a nice poz girl someday to date!
10/11/2012 Journey Started
10/17/2012 First Labs: VL=57,645  CD4+=730  37%
10/31/2012 Started Complera
11/30/2012 Labs: VL=80  CD4+=929 40%
12/24/2012 Started Stribild

Undetectable since 1/15/13 CD4+= Over 1,400 and 49%

Offline wolfter

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  • Posts: 4,539
Re: a little over a month, on meds, and have a delusional way of thinking
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2012, 10:00:17 PM »
welcome to the forums.  There are many here here who can articulate far better than me and I'm sure they'll be along to offer their wisdom.  Just wanted to welcome you and I'm glad you've found this site.  Lots of great people around here.

Wolfie
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline thepostergirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: a little over a month, on meds, and have a delusional way of thinking
« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2012, 10:14:20 PM »
thanks windy and wolfer

windy - i totally feel ya on what your saying. i just don't want to have unrealistic thoughts. i want to stay as "positive" pardon the pun as possible. i try to live each day with something to be grateful for and a smile on my face but then my bad days do come and get me down.. but then i start fresh the next day - so  that's good. thanks for your reply!
Diagnosed : October 2012
CD4 count high
Viral load 19,600
Started Stribild
Viral load is now undetectable

Offline Jeff G

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  • Member
  • Posts: 11,773
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: a little over a month, on meds, and have a delusional way of thinking
« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2012, 10:15:41 PM »
Welcome to the Forums Postergirl . I can read in your post that you are trying to move forward in life and that's a huge deal in itself . Give yourself permission to feel exactly as you are and give it some time . I found talking about it and counseling helped me when I felt as you do right now . If tough times and feeling helpless and hopeless was damaging to my psyche I wouldn't have a psyche left LOL . It also a good thing you realize you cant allow yourself to walk around depressed and sad forever , so keep on talking about it and get some help if you need it and in time things will get better .   

Offline thepostergirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: a little over a month, on meds, and have a delusional way of thinking
« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2012, 10:24:23 PM »
thanks jg - that makes me feel good that you can recognize that in me. thanks!
Diagnosed : October 2012
CD4 count high
Viral load 19,600
Started Stribild
Viral load is now undetectable

Offline Jmarksto

  • Member
  • Posts: 509
Re: a little over a month, on meds, and have a delusional way of thinking
« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2012, 11:27:22 PM »
Postergirl;  Welcome to the forums and sorry you need to be here. As you can already see - you have found a great place for information and support.  I have a few more months than you, but what I can already see is that it gets better with time. 

The fact that you are worried about negative thoughts and action says that you are aware of the right things.  I understand the concern about finding love in the long run, but it may help to focus on a good support system (counselor, support group, friends, family, etc.) in the short run.

Again, welcome and I wish you well,

JM
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,702
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: a little over a month, on meds, and have a delusional way of thinking
« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2012, 05:29:59 AM »
Is is just a little over a month that you got a diagnosis?  And on meds directly?

Its takes some people some time to get "a reset" after diagnosis, and realize that we aren't typhoid marys.  There are a lot of viruses that people carry around for life.  With successful treatment ours isn't all that hideous biologically, but it has enormous social and moral baggage. 

The only way forward is to realize you are far far far much bigger and more complicated and alive and worthwhile, than an itsy bitsy virus.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline thepostergirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: a little over a month, on meds, and have a delusional way of thinking
« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2012, 10:37:53 PM »
Jm and Mecc - thanks for responding.
Jm, I'm not so much concerned with my condition as I am with my mental health about the condition. I ultimately feel like I have no time stamp on my forehead and that I'm going to be able to lead a full and productive life but I have ptsd and sexual trauma that got me to my status of positive that I'm dealing with which has a huge part to do with how I feel unacceptable by and anyone so with my therapist and staying on my meds I know I can overcome these fears it's just sometimes I have really great days and sometimes I have really bad days. I'm tired of being objectified as someone to use and discard and I've been done that way a lot or shall I say I've allowed myself to be done that way. Now I want to be able to deal with the newness of my status and move on positively.

Mecch - yeah my doctor immediately suggested meds for me and I didn't disagree so I decided to give it a try. I have a high cd4 count which is good but I also have a high viral load count and I know before I become intimate with another person that I would like to achieve "undetectable". I have a lot of faith that if I stick with my regimen and keep a positive attitude that I can reach the stars. thanks for posting!
Diagnosed : October 2012
CD4 count high
Viral load 19,600
Started Stribild
Viral load is now undetectable

 


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