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My husband's girlfriend is positive... Loosing my mind, please help!

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TheWife:
So, my husband and I were having issues and separated but weren't getting a divorce. I left the state and went to stay with family. After I left it turns out that he started dating this woman who knew she was positive and didn't tell him till after they were having unprotected sex. She had been dating a friend of his, she told that man and he wouldnt have sex with her. They split up and she then moved on to my husband. She again did not tell my husband at all. Instead a month after they were sleeping together his friend informed him. When he confronted her she told him it was no big deal because she still tested undetectable so it was impossible for her to transmit. Obviously that is not true. To make it worse he has herpes so the transmission rate is astronomically higher. Apparently he went to the doctor after he found out. Then he quit working stopped paying any bills abandoned our house and everything we own and moved in with her. I found out after that. When I talked tohim he confirmed all of this story and told me that he was negative, but he was still with her and sleeping with her because "he has no other option". He won't talk to me at all now. I can't get any response at all. I am 99% sure from his behavior and reaction that he is positive but he won't talk to me. I am so unbelievably sad and scared and angry. Whatever our problems have been I still love him and always will and still don't want a divorce but I don't know how to handle this emotional roller coaster at all. Part of me wants to put her in prison for murder. I'm terrified for his daughter and what this could do to her. I'm scared. I'm sad. I haven't slept in 2 weeks. My ex before him commuted suicide when i left and it feels like a worse version of the same thing. The relationship totally aside I have no idea at all how to cope with this affecting someone I love. Additionally I don't know if she is aware that he has herpes but I doubt it, and from my research that is a big deal she needs to be aware of because of how the viruses affect each other. Although out of sheer hatred for her I almost don't care, but somehow I still dont want that for anyone. I don't understand how anyone could sleep with someone unprotected knowing damn well that they have it... Especially when her husband gave it to her without telling her. He died of AIDS in January. But she lied about that too and said it was lupus. Any advice here would be GREATLY appreciated. I am so lost and so devistated. I can't even think or function.
Thanks

mecch:
Your story in sentences and, where possible, paragraphs, so we can read it.  Paragraphs really do help:  ;D


So, my husband and I were having issues and separated but weren't getting a divorce. I left the state and went to stay with family.

After I left it turns out that he started dating this woman who knew she was positive and didn't tell him till after they were having unprotected sex. She had been dating a friend of his, she told that man and he wouldnt have sex with her. They split up and she then moved on to my husband.

She again did not tell my husband at all. Instead a month after they were sleeping together his friend informed him. When he confronted her she told him it was no big deal because she still tested undetectable so it was impossible for her to transmit. Obviously that is not true. To make it worse he has herpes so the transmission rate is astronomically higher.

Apparently he went to the doctor after he found out.

Then he quit working stopped paying any bills abandoned our house and everything we own and moved in with her. I found out after that.

When I talked to him he confirmed all of this story and told me that he was negative, but he was still with her and sleeping with her because "he has no other option".

He won't talk to me at all now. I can't get any response at all.

I am 99% sure from his behavior and reaction that he is positive but he won't talk to me.

I am so unbelievably sad and scared and angry.

Whatever our problems have been I still love him and always will and still don't want a divorce but I don't know how to handle this emotional roller coaster at all.

Part of me wants to put her in prison for murder. I'm terrified for his daughter and what this could do to her.

I'm scared. I'm sad. I haven't slept in 2 weeks. My ex before him commuted suicide when i left and it feels like a worse version of the same thing.

The relationship totally aside I have no idea at all how to cope with this affecting someone I love.

Additionally I don't know if she is aware that he has herpes but I doubt it, and from my research that is a big deal she needs to be aware of because of how the viruses affect each other. Although out of sheer hatred for her I almost don't care, but somehow I still dont want that for anyone.

I don't understand how anyone could sleep with someone unprotected knowing damn well that they have it... Especially when her husband gave it to her without telling her. He died of AIDS in January. But she lied about that too and said it was lupus.

Any advice here would be GREATLY appreciated.

I am so lost and so devistated. I can't even think or function.

Thanks[/font]

mecch:
That is so much for you to think about, and an awful lot to unpack here.

First of all, the "new woman" is NOT murdering your husband. He knows she is HIV+, and he is choosing to stay with her.  And he and she are making their sexual decisions --  and YOU don't have any control over that, sorry to say. 

If you could step back from the heat and pain and fear and confusion of the current situation, you could see that you are confounding many many many things together and also hanging a lot of stuff onto HIV that may have little to do with HIV.

His behavior does not indicate "99%" that he is HIV positive. (And in that logic, there is nobody you "care about" who is HIV positive.  You are simply afraid he is or will be... fear is NOT the same a fact.)

The HIV in this story is a concern but the MAJOR concern seems to be the dissolution of your marriage, and your husband moving on, AND for some reason he has cut off all contact with you.  Also, you seem to say, he has quit his job, and is living with her. Also you seem to say, he has abandoned his joint financial responsibilities he has with you.

If I were in your shoes, my primary focus would be to address these two problems.
1) How do I cope with and move on from the destruction of my marriage, and a broken heart.

and

2) How do I cope with financial turmoil of a divorce and a dead-beat ex-husband.

Those are awfully hard tasks to deal with but those are the ones that concern you. Solving them is going to help you, your pain, your fear. 

If you have accurately reported the actions of your husband, you have little control over his life going forward.  Maybe some legal options, for the financial responsibilities.  You can't improve your own life by thinking you can do anything about his life now.

TheWife:
Granted there is a lot going on. I say that I believe he is positive for several reasons however...
1. They were having unprotected sex for a month prior to him knowing
2. He stopped sleeping with her when he found out- then went to the dr- then abandoned everything and moved in with her when he got the results
3- according to his best friend his test was positive

mecch:
Well if he is positive, that royally sucks.

Also, you are operating an awful lot on guesses, misinformation, and second-hand knowledge.  In a number of items in this sad story.

Its just my opinion.  But I often think we displace our worries and concerns and blames.  I do hope you think about the two real issues for you and not all the supposed issues of your husband...

The real issues for you are your marriage, sadly, has fallen apart.
You seem to be losing a joint investment - a home.  And there may be financial challenges related to that home, and perhaps a potential divorce.

HIV is a manageable disease and it, alone, is not going to destroy anyone's life.  Not the new woman, not your husband...

Divorces can easily lay a person low, emotionally and financially, for many many years.  So I would encourage you to talk about that with well-reasoned friends, family members, a therapist, and probably an attorney...

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