Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
September 21, 2014, 12:27:44 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 639661
  • Total Topics: 48553
  • Online Today: 210
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....  (Read 1527 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,965
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« on: November 09, 2012, 09:32:08 PM »
Before you say "dayummm, this is a long ass post!".... please be advised that this is the extremely condensed version.

9 Years and it finally NEEDS to be over….
So, on 11/14/03, I met my “partner.” Ever since the beginning it has been a very tumultuous relationship. It was just supposed to be a “booty call” and ended up being a very dysfunctional relationship. Very dysfunctional.

We had many discussions at the beginning about what would I do if I found out the person I was dating had HIV/AIDS and hadn’t told me. I told him from the start that if I loved the person, that wouldn’t matter.  After a few weeks of great sex, most of it unprotected, one day after an evening that I had dropped him off at home, I came home for lunch and found some pills hidden behind some condiments in my refrigerator. I took the pills to work and looked them up in the Physician’s Desk Reference. I discovered that they were Kaletra and Combivir.  At this time, my “partner” of a few weeks was out partying with an old lover… which I wasn’t too happy about – he had been on a three-day bender of alcohol and drugs….. but….. what did I do?  I was so blinded by  “love” that when I did get a hold of him and told him about finding out about his pills and his condition (to silence on the other end of the phone) – I said – I love you… and that is all that matters….

Many people said at that time (nine years ago) that I should have called it quits – as he had lied to me and was basically showing his disrespect or inability to really be in a relationship by hanging out and partying with an old lover. Even though he said (and I believed – although not really) that nothing was going on.

Fast forward several years --- after many fights – many of them physical….. loss of more than one job…. Bankruptcy…. Foreclosure….. and more than just a little verbal and emotional about (on both of our parts)…….we have been in the stage for the past two or three years of not knowing whether we are in a relationship or not. … When I say we are – he says we are not….. When he says we are – I say we are not….. all the while, we have not “freed” ourselves up to date anyone else – and I still go out of my way to do stuff for him….. (cigarettes, toilet paper, rides to appointments, food, etc)….

All this time, I have been just hoping to catch him “red handed” fucking around – to have a definitive reason to close the door to this toxic, dysfunctional, non-functional relationship (if that is even what it could be called)…… I have gotten to the point where I don’t want to be around him, don’t want to have sex with him…..I am just over it (and to be honest – I probably have been for the past 2+ years)…..

So, yesterday, I had gone to Olive Garden by myself to gorge myself – post procedure….. Although, he said he didn’t really want anything from the OG – I still got him a dinner… I dropped it off (as I live a few doors down the hall from him)…. He was appreciative… He was entertaining a friend of ours (she is a female and the girlfriend of a friend of ours) --- so, I didn’t stay around……   A little while later he came to my place to ask if I wanted ice cream (being full from the food, I said “no.”)…. About an hour later, I thought that the friend had probably gone home and went down to his house to give him a hug…..  (as in spite of everything, we have been trying to work on things – although, it has been very much hit and miss)….

Well, when I knocked on his door, I could hear him coming to it and cussing up a storm – he then opened it – loudly turning the lock -- and it was obvious that he wasn’t happy to see me and didn’t want to see me……. He gave me the meanest look – one I have seen many times…..  A look of hate. A real look of hate.

I was hurt – I left his house quietly --- and what I came to realize is that had I kept hurting early on in this “relationship,” I never would have stayed in something so messed up for so long…. But, instead, I “toughened” up and turned the hurt into anger ----- I would fight with him (physical and verbal) and vice versa and we would get back together a day or two later…..

So, I have decided that I have to let the hurt stay on the surface and not turn it to anger – I have to know that there is no reason, with me being the person I am and putting into this relationship what I have put into it, to be treated so horribly by someone for no reason whatsoever….. I don’t have to tolerate anything other than the best…..  I must keep the hurt at the surface so that it stays fresh and I will not return to this “relationship.”  I actually know that I have been holding myself back.  I have been depriving myself of fully enjoying life. And, those who know me know that I am a happy person for the most part…..

This whole post is mainly a vent and I am posting it because I have not shared these things with any of you in depth at all ---- Why? Because, I didn’t want you to know what was really going on with me – for fear of being judged, of being called “stupid,” and, the biggest reason – for fear that I would stay in this horrible situation and some of you might meet this so-called “partner” of mine (like at an AMG) and wonder why I was still with someone like this.

Every one of my friends that know him, my family, and even his friends all say that I need to be far away from him – that he takes advantage of me and that I do way too much for him, and that they can’t believe the way he treats me (which most of them have witnessed firsthand)….

So, enough of the long post ---- I know that it is too long and most probably wouldn’t even read this all….  I am struggling you all….. This has probably been one of the things that has contributed to my medical issues (stress and all)….. but, long story short (I know – it is too late – LOL) I am going to stay in the hurt and pain until I know that I am not dealing with him --- it works better for me than the anger – it keeps the irrational “guilt” away from me – it lets me know that I am doing this because I cannot do this any longer – and I don’t deserve to be treated the way I have for the past nearly 9 years……..

I really don’t even want to be with anyone for a while as I actually enjoy my time with me……. As it is something I have deprived myself of for far too long. And, to those of you who have supportive, complementary relationships – I admire you and hope to be there someday – as what I have been involved in has been very far removed from that.

Thanks for providing me with a space where I could go and put this out there.... Oh, and for those who may want to "judge" me for it --- believe me, after what I have been through over the past 9 years, I have become more than desensitized to it --- if only I could have had the same thing occur during the first few days of this "relationship."

BTW, this has not turned me off to relationships - if anything, it has taught me all of the things that I DON'T want in a "relationship" and what relationships should NOT be. So, I think whatever is over the horizon - when it comes - will be a very good thing.

September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2012, 09:44:58 PM »
WHOA!! Not what I was expecting to see tonight when I logged on! I am not going to judge anyone, though having met the dude I'm certainly in a place to do so. I'll just offer my congratulations, and my suggestion that you get the eff out of that building as soon as you are able. You don't need that which is so negative, and you know he's going to come bitch-sniffing around as soon as he gets horny.
Hugs Mate!

Offline wolfter

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,540
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2012, 09:55:38 PM »
I don't know how I could possibly judge you at a time that my heart is aching for you.  I imagine we've all seen people in similar toxic situations and can only be a friend until the one being hurt is ready to accept that they are being hurt.

Let us know what we can do as friends to help you through this difficult time.  You have a lot of love here and even more support.

I'll keep it short as I tend to say stupid things that are meant in kindess.  Hope you're managing to handle all the emotional turmoil

LUVS

Wolfie
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,029
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2012, 10:23:36 PM »
No judgment here. Feel free to vent. It sounds like you know what you want and I hope you find happiness.

Ford

Offline tednlou2

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,887
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2012, 11:36:31 PM »
Yes, no reason to judge you.  I'm glad you're figuring out what is best for you.  I'm glad you vented.  Continue to vent, if you need to.

All the best through this period. 

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,386
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2012, 11:46:57 PM »
No judgement from me.  It matters not how long it took you to get here -- it simply matters that you DID get here. 
Sometimes we know what we should do, but don't seem to do it until we've lost enough blood from banging our heads against a brick wall.

Screw the guilt -- you deserve a good, full and happy life! 

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline Jmarksto

  • Member
  • Posts: 509
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2012, 12:36:54 AM »
As someone who was in (and got out of) an unhealthy relationship myself -- no judgement here, only compassion and support for you to make the changes you need to when you are ready.

I know how blind love can be - how hard it is to see the situation for what it is, and how hard it is to make the changes that seem so obvious to others at the time.

Take care of yourself,
JM
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

Offline ds4146

  • Member
  • Posts: 317
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2012, 01:17:18 AM »
No one can, should or would judge when it comes from the heart. "I actually enjoy my time with me"... this is the best part for me from your post which I feel will give you now and down the road what you need for yourself and perhaps that very other special person you may meet! Be good to yourself and take care.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,945
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2012, 05:48:21 AM »
Phil, just the physical fighting and the "look of hate" when you went to see him, speaks volumes about your relationship thus far.  Even though there have obviously been some good times, it sounds like the bad far outweigh them. 

I am no judge, as I have been there myself.  I only wish peace and love for you, and I'm here if you need to talk sometime.  Just let me know.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline intaglio

  • Member
  • Posts: 179
  • Doesn't have to pay for vowels
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2012, 08:47:42 AM »
I am sorry to hear you've had to endure what you have, but I'm glad the blinders are coming off, so to speak.

You need the help of a professional to work through this. This forum can give you internet support, but you need someone IRL that you can call -at least in the short term -as you rebuild your life.

And, as speaking as one who's "been there, done that" please be very forgiving of yourself. Use this opportunity to find out the "why" of "why did I let this go on." This relationship "fed" you something you needed, otherwise you would not have endured it. Understanding yourself will go a long way toward you being able to build a healthy, positive relationship the next time.

Oh, and you're stronger than you might think. And very worthy of being loved.
Reality is frequently inaccurate.

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 11,788
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #10 on: November 10, 2012, 09:24:53 AM »
Hi Phil . Betty said it very well . You deserve more than what your getting from this guy . It took a lot of courage for you to open up about this and you deserve support , not judgements . You owe this man nothing , a simple this isn't working out for me may be the safest thing to do since your disagreements have sometime become physical . 

You told me some of this stuff before but I didn't realize it was like this for you . If you want to talk I will always be here for you .

Offline phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,965
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #11 on: November 10, 2012, 06:41:37 PM »
Thanks for the support all...
Spent most of today sleeping.... I just needed to be able to regroup. Funny thing is - this has been a very long time coming - I think both of us have known it, but neither of us has taken action on it... But, it is long overdue.

Since I blew today, in regards to school work, etc - tomorrow and Monday will be spent doing that - so, at least my mind will be occupied.

I really do appreciate all of the support --- sometimes it is very clear that things in our lives should not be there - it is just a tad bit harder to get them out..... I have been moving glacier slow in doing so - and it has become time to pick up the pace and get my life to be where I want it to be in all areas.

Thanks again.
Phil (who is determined to get through this)
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline anniebc

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,939
  • AM member since 2003
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #12 on: November 10, 2012, 09:01:21 PM »
Sending you big warm hugs Phil..your life start's today, enjoy it my friend.

Aroha
Jan :-*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline britchick

  • Member
  • Posts: 436
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2012, 05:26:58 AM »
I promise you that each day will get a little better and each day you will feel a little stronger.

It takes a huge amount of courage to walk away and do your own thing.........it will be the best decision that you have ever made.


Hugs

Britchickx

Offline Buckmark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,526
  • Would you like to tie me up with your ties, Ty?
    • Henry's Home Page
Re: 9 Long, Painful, Frustrating, and Dysfunctional Years....
« Reply #14 on: November 12, 2012, 04:49:56 PM »
Phil,

It sounds like you've been in a very difficult position with your partner for a number of years.  I'm happy that you are taking steps to do what is right for you. Sometimes it takes a while to gain the perspective that a relationship isn't working for you.  I think it is very courageous, and very helpful, for you to write all of this down -- as difficult as it may be.  I hope that some day you have the right relationship with the person who is right for you.  You deserve it.

Hugs,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.