Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

How to deal with losing a partner to HIV?

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jkinatl2:
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Every time I see someone in this forum who has a partner, a parent, a friend, who has stopped talking meds I wonder when I will read something like this.

There really aren't words, are they? And nothing of any relevance seems to stick in times like this. As a LTS, I can honestly say that I empathize with you. I have literally been in your shoes; positive, scared, with a partner who I saw dwindle and die though I would have moved heaven and earth to save him. The horror you have been through cannot be overstated, and the damage it does to a person's soul is incalculable.

I know. Please trust me. I know.

Thing is, you are still here. You are stronger than you know.  Every day you wake up is proof of that. Every night you pull a sheet over your body is proof of that. Each breath you take, some days, is proof.

They talk about how young you are to experience this, and I agree, 25 is too young. Fuck, 30 is too young, so is 40 and forever. Your pain transforms you. Influences, alters everything from your sense of humor to your sense of smell.

I hope your counselor, and I hope you find one, tells you that it's ok to sit with your pain, to walk, crawl, writhe through that awful place rather than pretend it doesn't exist, or sanitize it so that people don't look at you funny. Your loss, your grief is a real place. Please do not ever think that anyone here will think differently if you vent your most horrible thoughts.

Also, people that might do that, haven't been where you are. Sadly, and in the most awful way, you are in a prestigious club. Populated, apologies in advance, by many people who are way older than you. But none of us have to dig too deep to find that hollow place that we barely mention exists, that we arrogantly think that we've boarded like "The Cask Of Amontillado".

This will take time, who knows how long, to go through. But please believe two things, even as the theories of linear time and gravity sometimes seem alien to you:

A) Please know that you are not alone. Not really, not ever.

B) Please know that you have to continue to care for yourself. Time, a construct or not, will hurt you if you try to exit sideways.

Please find a way, a map, a lighthouse, that will ground you for now. That will let you support yourself, take care of your physical body while your mind reels. You need to take care of your health, your life. Keep decent food on your plate, a roof over your head, the medical treatment you need to stay here with us.

Because like it or not, when you come out the other side (and I refuse to subscribe to any other alternative) you may well be a teacher, a sage. Sorry, that's the best life seems to offer as a reward for the hell you go through. You might find clarity once all the anguish and the beloved carbon of your life before this horrible mess burns away.

This all, all of it, will take time. Please be gentle with yourself, and patient.

But please remember to care for the body. The mind, the soul, it has it's own journey for a while. And if this all sounds too hokey, just disregard everything except my sincere condolences.

What happened matters. You matter.

If nothing else works, please believe those two things.

OneTampa:
I join the other Board Members in sorrow and condolences for the loss of your partner.

I know how you feel having lost my first long term partner of 15 years in 1988. To this day I am reminded of him at turns and I have sad and joyful memories.

Although it may be difficult for you to focus, you must take care of your physical and mental health as others have also advised.

Please know that we on Boards truly do understand and wish you the very best.

mexican2:
Thanks to everyone for the support and words of comfort. I feel blessed to have this place to let feelings out, it truly feels like the only place where people actually understand what I'm going through. I feel like my friends and family in real life and other online forums can't possibly understand what I feel like, and they usually end up making me feel worse so I just hide everything from everyone.

Thanks everyone, really, your words have made a difference.

LongTimeSurvivor:
Don't usually venture out of Long-Term Survivors but happened to glance in here. Over 20 years ago I lost the man I loved to AIDS. It happened very quickly. I had to deal with everything including taking care of his parents who arrived the day after he died not knowing he had died. I spent a year crying. Then I spent the rest of these past years reliving his death almost every day.

Do not wait till you're "ready" to see a counselor or talk therapist. Start now. I lost 20 years of my life as I slipped into deeper and deeper depression. I'm on 450mg of Bupropion and 20mg of Lexapro daily now. The psychiatrist who prescribed them for me said because of the length and depth of my depression, and being untreated the whole time, I will probably have to take my psych meds for the rest of my life. But that's a small price to pay to regain my sanity.

Believe me...you don't want to get to that point. I'd rather end everything then go back to that state of mind. So mourn your love but get help...now.

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