Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

How to deal with losing a partner to HIV?

(1/2) > >>

mexican2:
I'm 26 years old and poz siince August 2011. In my introductory thread I explained how I was ok with my diagnosis, but that my partner was having a hard time with HAART and side effects, so he stopped medication altogether.

He passed away last month.

I've been devastated since this event and I'm having an incredibly difficult time doing even the simplest things like getting out of bed in the morning. In fact, I quit my job recently because my mind can no longer focus on anything other than how much I miss and need him.
I was his primary caretaker during his last months of life, and this didn't bother me one bit, but I feel like I could've somehow done something more for him, and then he would still be here with me. Everything reminds me of him, whether I'm inside or out, or with friends, or with family, or watching tv. The thought of him never leaves my mind. I constantly keep thinking how he must have suffered in the end and I start crying, and how it's so unfair that he had to leave this world at such an early age (he was 21). I understand that death is a natural part of life and it can occur at any age whether HIV is a factor or not, but I simply NEVER imagined I would be grieving the love of my life at fucking 26 years old.

I've been told that grief can take many forms, and that I'm probably just going through a normal process, but I've lost all hope in the future, all I see is darkness, I have nothing to lose, and nothing to gain; and frankly, this concerns me because I don't wanna get to the point where I stop taking my meds or god forbid, start contemplating suicide.

He was my everything and now I have nothing.

mecch:
I am so sorry you had to lose your love.
I am sorry you have to go through this sadness.

You are young. when you have healed, you will find another love. 

I am sorry, but I also think your bf's choice was pathological and sick. It was suicide.  He was a young man, and there was no reason he couldn't find a combo that presented less side effects than his first. How he died within a few months of stopping treatment is, also, for the moment, a mystery to us here.  But it is was it is.

I think you have been put through the ringer.  You were expected to assist in a suicide, of someone you love, and I can only imagine you are in utter shock!

I had a bf commit suicide when he was dying of AIDS.  In the 80s. When there was no hope.  I am rather angry at your bf's choice, in 2012, and I am very very sorry you had to participate in such madness.

emeraldize:

--- Quote from: mexican2 on October 25, 2012, 10:46:55 PM ---I'm 26 years old and poz siince August 2011. In my introductory thread I explained how I was ok with my diagnosis, but that my partner was having a hard time with HAART and side effects, so he stopped medication altogether.

He passed away last month.

I've been devastated since this event and I'm having an incredibly difficult time doing even the simplest things like getting out of bed in the morning. In fact, I quit my job recently because my mind can no longer focus on anything other than how much I miss and need him.
I was his primary caretaker during his last months of life, and this didn't bother me one bit, but I feel like I could've somehow done something more for him, and then he would still be here with me. Everything reminds me of him, whether I'm inside or out, or with friends, or with family, or watching tv. The thought of him never leaves my mind. I constantly keep thinking how he must have suffered in the end and I start crying, and how it's so unfair that he had to leave this world at such an early age (he was 21). I understand that death is a natural part of life and it can occur at any age whether HIV is a factor or not, but I simply NEVER imagined I would be grieving the love of my life at fucking 26 years old.

I've been told that grief can take many forms, and that I'm probably just going through a normal process, but I've lost all hope in the future, all I see is darkness, I have nothing to lose, and nothing to gain; and frankly, this concerns me because I don't wanna get to the point where I stop taking my meds or god forbid, start contemplating suicide.

He was my everything and now I have nothing.

--- End quote ---

Hi Mexi,

I'm so very sorry to learn of your loss. You're right, grieving has forms, or what's called stages. Do you have access to a grief support group near you? A counselor, one on one, if available for you would help as well.

If you send me a PM with your city, I'll see if I can hunt one up for you.  If you learn from or like to read, there are lots of helpful books about grieving. You played a key role in your partner's life and end of life. It's a role I call death escort -- to be loving and caretaking and grieving while the person is talking with you. I had the experience and can only urge you to turn the focus on yourself now.

So, as soon as you can, get some relief and support. If you need to, get your ID to prescribe a sleeping agent if you're not getting enough rest. If your clinic has a social worker, maybe he/she could get you started with some counseling.

Again, I am sorry for your loss of your beloved.
Em

wolfter:

--- Quote from: mexican2 on October 25, 2012, 10:46:55 PM ---
I've been told that grief can take many forms, and that I'm probably just going through a normal process, but I've lost all hope in the future, all I see is darkness, I have nothing to lose, and nothing to gain; and frankly, this concerns me because I don't wanna get to the point where I stop taking my meds or god forbid, start contemplating suicide.

He was my everything and now I have nothing.

--- End quote ---

My heart ached as I read your post.  I've never seen anything written here that so closely describes a period I went through after loosing my life partner. 

I went from a period of total shock and being on auto pilot for quite a while.  Like a giant numbness took overtook my entire body.  The comments from others sometimes just made matters worse, and I heard many of them.  The death of a partner in a gay relationship is perceived differently by society, and in most cases, our own families and friends.

I truly wish I'd have had a resource like this site as I experienced firsthand the bleak outlook you are currently sharing and I made horrible choices.  If I never say another thing that you agree with, believe when I tell you that is not the way to handle it.  Continue reaching out and share and express what you're going through.

I grieved way too deeply and too long without understanding what I was dealing with.  Nobody previously close to me could know as I isolated myself from them.  Just a work/home, repeat cycle.  I too had lost all hope for the future and felt total darkness.  I got to the point where I did quit taking my medication and I pray that you don't take that idiotic approach. 

I still go through days where the simplest thing reminds me of Bill and cry for a while.  I heard a memorial service and I heard some profound words.  It basically centered on taking those memories and instead of grieving over our loss and what might have been, holding those memories close and dear and being grateful for what was.  If you turn those memories into positive cherished moments, no one can ever take them away and they can become a great source of comfort.

Please continue reaching out, (I hated this platitude), but it really can and does get better. 

Take care and best wishes

Wolfie

Modified to sign my name :)

britchick:
mexican2

Im so sorry to hear about your loss.Please think about some counselling when you feel ready as it will definetly help.

You are so very young to have experienced this heartache,but please be proud of yourself for the love that  you shared   and the care and support that you gave him.

Thinking of you.

Britchickx

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version