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Depressed !

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I am 35 and I live with my 3 kids and my two younger brothers. The other brother is HIV positive and he is making live very difficult for me and my children. He is a heavy drinker and a smoker. He has been positive for 7 years now and I don't think he is drinking because he's in denial. My problem is, he is always shouting at my children even for small things, he sends them up and down the whole day, what irritates me most is that, he doesn't like peace. He urinates in the cups or the dishes and when I ask him why, he says he doesn't want to go out and he can urinate wherever he wants to. He coughs a lot and spit everywhere in the house and doesn't clean afterwards. My little baby is 16 weeks old, I am afraid that he can easily catch TB. I don't know what to do as the little that earn is enough to buy us food and electricity including for him. I am the only one working and I don't earn much to move out with my kids. We are living in our past grandmother's house and he is constantly reminding me that he do as he pleases because it is not my house. It hurts me a lot because I think our lives are at risk and he doesn't care. This also make me feel that he can spit in the foods or maybe urinates in the food when I am not around. I am thinking about the wellbeing of my children especially the 5 years old and the 16 weeks old. I don't know what to do anymore because he is very stubborn and bossy. I think he's spreading the germs and viruses deliberately in the house to hurt me. I think I hate him even if he's my brother.
Please help.

Wow what a disaster.
Please clarify, a lot of us dont live in these conditions...

You don't have indoor plumbing, a toilet, etc. inside the house??

Does your brother HAVE TB, that you know of?

By law, who owns the house?

Whatever the answers, you are the moneymaker. And, everyone deserves equal respect in a family. Your bother's behavior is OUTRAGEOUS, in my own sensibilities and cultural understanding. 

Whether he is spreading germs and viruses in the house is one thing to deal with.  Please remember that spit and pee do not transmit HIV, but spit in particular can transmit lots of other diseases, of course.  And besides, this is just one of the issues. Your brother's behaviour is simply nuts! 

I hope you can write and explain more about how this is possible. How anyone can be asked to put up with someone behaving like that.... Is this acceptable where you live?  Men have all the power? Or is it something about your family?  Or a combination?


  Hi Lulu, welcome to the forums.

  The situation with your brother sounds extremely frustrating.  His behavior even minus having HIV is totally unacceptable.  Urinating in cups, but mainly, yelling at your kids and perhaps even bullying you is something that has to change.  Having your children grow up in this kind of environment is not good for them.  And, as spiteful as he sounds, I fear for the safety of both them and yourself.  HIV is the least of your worries...

   Do you have any other family besides the other brother which you can turn to for help?

   I would hate to give you advice that could put you in danger, but one of the best ways I know to hit a freeloader is to stop putting food in the refrigerator for him to eat.  With kids though, that's pretty much impossible.....(sigh)

   May I ask you, how exactly does he pay for his alcohol and cigarettes?


Hi Skeebo, 

Thanks for responding,  I've put everything in my bedroom and always locks the door, it's tough though but there's nothing I can do. He steals everything he comes across even clothes or a teaspoon from me and from the neighbourhood and sell it, just to get alcohol and cigarette. The police said he is sick so they will be wasting their time to talk to him, EISH! (police sometimes mxm!)

Mecch, we don't have indoor toilet and yes he is a 3 times defaulter of TB. All other relatives are afraid of him, he even carries an Okapi(knife) so no one wants to be near him. He is driving me crazy.

What organisations exist beside the police, who protect families against violence.  In your location, are there any other organisations that can protect you? Government or non-government?  Church?
So, by law, it is his house???
If it is his house, the only solutions I can see are he gets locked up in prison or a psychiatric hospital, and you stay.  Or you have to find a new place to live.  Are there shelters?


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