Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
July 29, 2014, 08:20:08 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 632309
  • Total Topics: 47881
  • Online Today: 266
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: partner told me he is HIV+  (Read 3021 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline brighton33

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
partner told me he is HIV+
« on: September 09, 2012, 03:15:15 PM »
Recently started dating a guy and last weekend he told me he was HIV+, has been for a few years and isn't on meds.  I do have history around health anxiety surrounding HIV after having been put on PEP last year so I was a bit taken aback (but didn't show it to him)

Sex wise we've had oral sex, not anal, and I'm already panicing (i don't have great oral health, I get bleeding gums when I brush my teeth) Apparently the doctors said that he doesn't need medications at the moment, would it be wrong for me to push that further and ask him to enquire more about going on meds?  Even though we've been dating for a short while I want this to last and I want to have sex with him as part of the relationship and I feel if he was on meds I wouldn't be worrying about oral sex like I am now.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,253
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2012, 04:38:09 PM »
Why don't you take care of your own defenses against HIV?  If you are worried about your gums, why don't you go to the dentist and get your mouth in better shape?  I don't see you have any legitimate reason to ask a partner to protect you from something that is your own responsibility to take care of.  He'll probably go on meds when the doctors say its a good idea and when he is ready.  Your oral health doesn't mean jack squat in that calculation. 

You realise when someone starts HAART its more or less forever. So a pretty big decision. You've known this guy a few weeks!  You've got some chutzpah!

Maybe when and if you are committed partners you might have something to say about the advantages to your couple of him being seronegative.

Also, read a bit here about the real risks of oral transmission. It's pretty slight.  How about using condoms, and cleaning up your mouth, and taking things as they are and dealing with it.  Or not.  The not being, politely bow out because you can't handle your fears.   
« Last Edit: September 09, 2012, 04:43:02 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline brighton33

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2012, 05:07:28 PM »
Yup ... and it's because I'm looking for this to move into being committed partners that I'm thinking about these issues. 

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,253
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2012, 06:07:11 PM »
Well, you didn't answer the question.  Is there some reason you can't bring your oral hygiene up to snuff?

I don't think its a good idea, especially as a build up and (perhaps?) a pre-requisite to a relation, to ask a potential lover to do something major for you when you haven't moved your own butt. I were in his shoes I would read that as self-centered.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2012, 06:17:04 PM »
Unless your oral hygeine means "meth mouth" then you have little to nothing to worry about. Just don't brush your teeth while giving head.

Also, go for a softer brush, chew gum instead (which stimulates saliva- and saliva renders HIV inactive) ans communicate your history with your partner.

I know it was months and months before my current partner was in a position to even make vague suggestions regarding my health and my upkeep of the same. I submit that a few weeks in is a little soon.

Maybe when you guys decide to be committed, your partner will let you go with him to the doctor?

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline brighton33

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2012, 06:26:49 PM »
With regards to the my oral hygiene I have a dental appointment booked for a couple of weeks (booked before I'd even met him) 

Thanks, jkinatl2, I certainly don't have meth mouth (I did google and regretted looking at the pics instantly) And yes, it is way too early to start making suggestions to him I appreciate that. 

Maybe I should just admit to him I'm a bit scared about it and just take it from there.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,253
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2012, 06:32:56 PM »

Maybe I should just admit to him I'm a bit scared about it and just take it from there.

Yes that's a far better idea than asking him to go on meds....  That was a very bad idea!

Oral hygiene takes more than one doctor visit.  You probably need at least a good scaling of your roots.  Sorry but that will make you bleed quite a bit! Also, fix any cavaties.  Then, you have to get in the habit of brushing AND flossing.  Eventually your gums will heal, and no more bleeding. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline brighton33

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2012, 02:39:43 PM »
Yeah Mecch, it was a fairly bad idea even for me :)  It would certainly make life less complicated but that's coming from a selfish point of view on my part.

I had a good chat with him this afternoon, he said he'd never put me at risk which is why he never ejaculated during oral.  I told him that I wasn't able to even do that at the moment until my gums have been worked on.  So we will take things slowly in the bedroom department.  He says that he copes really well with everything and that he only has to go to the clinic every 6 months as his body copes well with it.  He said the worst part was the dating side of things and how hard it is to tell people, so I felt a bit guilty about suddenly saying "no oral" but at least things are out in the open on both our sides now. 

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2012, 05:34:34 PM »
Yeah Mecch, it was a fairly bad idea even for me :)  It would certainly make life less complicated but that's coming from a selfish point of view on my part.

I had a good chat with him this afternoon, he said he'd never put me at risk which is why he never ejaculated during oral.  I told him that I wasn't able to even do that at the moment until my gums have been worked on.  So we will take things slowly in the bedroom department.  He says that he copes really well with everything and that he only has to go to the clinic every 6 months as his body copes well with it.  He said the worst part was the dating side of things and how hard it is to tell people, so I felt a bit guilty about suddenly saying "no oral" but at least things are out in the open on both our sides now. 

I think it's great that the two of you have good communication. Maybe by the time his next doctor visit rolls around, you will be able to go with. Find out viral load, all that stuff.

BTW, if you think science has the tiniest shot as breaching your defenses, feel free to read the volumes of stuff about oral sex that Ann and I routinely post in AM I INFECTED.

Basically, we recommend oral sex as safer sex.
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline brighton33

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2012, 05:53:17 PM »
Thanks Jkinatl2, and I've read a great post of yours where you post the science behind it all.  The three long term studies and the American study where they followed msm who only performed oral and all these studies showed not one infection - pretty conclusive.  I'm only being hesitant purely because my oral health is bad at the moment, receding gums that bleed and i think I'd be happy just getting that sorted and then I'll be in a good place.  It is frustrating that you get decent honest advice backed by science here and then you look at a site like THT where they state that it is passed on by oral, with no links or studies etc.  For a organisation that is supposed to reduce the stigma around HIV that really doesn't help.

Offline Rockin

  • Member
  • Posts: 491
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2012, 05:58:14 PM »
Yeah Mecch, it was a fairly bad idea even for me :)  It would certainly make life less complicated but that's coming from a selfish point of view on my part.

I had a good chat with him this afternoon, he said he'd never put me at risk which is why he never ejaculated during oral.  I told him that I wasn't able to even do that at the moment until my gums have been worked on.  So we will take things slowly in the bedroom department.  He says that he copes really well with everything and that he only has to go to the clinic every 6 months as his body copes well with it.  He said the worst part was the dating side of things and how hard it is to tell people, so I felt a bit guilty about suddenly saying "no oral" but at least things are out in the open on both our sides now.

He sounds like me. Best of luck to you both.

Offline JohnD99

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: partner told me he is HIV+
« Reply #11 on: October 27, 2012, 11:33:09 PM »
Hey Brighton - could you check your PM's ?   Its a teeny weeny little link on the left sidebar.  I have some questions for you about your long term tolerance of the PEP meds.  We had some of the same problems after finishing PEP.  I'll shoot you the PM now.  Sorry to hijack your thread.  This is pretty important.

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.