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Author Topic: need some guidence  (Read 1896 times)

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Offline whatwilllifebring

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need some guidence
« on: October 16, 2012, 01:53:06 PM »
I do not really know where to start with my feelings, or if this is the forum I should be posting this in...but....

Several months ago I found out a good friends parent has AIDS, long story short he had a secret life no one was aware of, got really sick, and was diagnosed with very low CD4 count, very high viral load. His wife is HIV negative as they have not had a marital relationship for many years.

Fast forward to me being informed of this...I felt like a knife stabbed me in the stomach. My husband and I were married a few years ago, and just after our wedding I found a text message on his phone responding to an online ad...whatever you want to call those sites. All it said was 32 WM bottom and I confronted him with this. (message was from several months before we were married not that it matters too much).

He tells me he was curious, he never acted on it because he could not do that to me, and I do believe him because he has been very honest with me. When he was younger (we have been together several years) he received oral sex from  men because they were easy as he put it. It was easier than trying to pick up a girl in a bar, he knew from a guy he could get off easy, and no strings attached, as work kept him pretty busy. He said he did try anal once but it was not really his thing, but at the same time liked how the prostate stimulation felt.

Which was another reason he found it easier to get oral from a guy, easy quick way to get off, and he liked the prostate stimulation.

Fast Forward to today, this bothers me alot. Mainly because of our friends parents situation. I am so afraid of the what if's. I was married before and my ex husband cheated several times (with women not that it makes a difference). I do not want to go through that again, and a big fear is what if he is really gay and does not want to admit it to me. What if he has a secret life and brings something home to me (we do have a very active sex life). What if he just has not been able to admit to himself he enjoys sex with men. What if what if what if.....

I am definitely not a prude when it comes to sex, I have experimented (only one time with same sex though, was not really for me, definitely need a man haha) and I am open to anything sexually (almost, few things are off the table like fisting or pain, although light pain I am OK with). I will try almost anything atleast once, cannot promise I will want to do it again, but I am open to new things.

Why does it bother me so much that he has had sex with a man? I have alot of gay friends, and being gay does not bother me at all, not that i want them to have sex in front of me, but honestly I do not want to see my hetro friends have sex either. It bothers me alot though, and then at other times, I get off to the thought of him giving oral to another guy...

I do not know how to grasp my emotions with this situation, nor do i have anyone I can really talk to about it, as I know my husband would not like for me to discuss it with friends to talk it through. He has been honest and open with me, and answers any questions I ask. Even when saying it is hard to talk to me about because he is ashamed of his past, wished it had never happened, it was just easier....

Has anyone else experienced this, or have some insight to help me wrap my head around this? I love my husband dearly, and do not want this to get the best of me. I already have many trust issues from first marriage, and i deal with them great. I am not even sure he realized I have trust issues...I know when I am having crazy thoughts about working late and whatnot, and am able to get past them and rationalize that he is not my ex husband, and has never given me a reason not to trust him.

Online zach

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2012, 02:32:38 PM »
first, this post belongs in "someone i care about has hiv"

second, not really though, because your post isn't about your friends father, or your concerns for him.

you're husband is bisexual. it'll be ok. have a threesome with another guy. bi mmf is fkn HOT!!!!

go get yourself tested for all std's, and then have an honest discussion with your husband about monogamy and condom use. but he may lie to you.

after your std tests, (hopefully all negative) you will be empowered to protect yourself. wear condoms. but if you choose not to, its you who is accountable.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2012, 02:34:13 PM by zach »
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline whatwilllifebring

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2012, 03:52:50 PM »
Ok on that thought...can one be bisexual and be monogamous? I firmly believe once married...it is just us....guess i am a little old fashioned this way...not many out there like me anymore...

I have learned from my ex husband to never trust anyone...I actually get STD tested with each pap because I always know where i have been (nowhere) but you do not always know where they have been. I feel I was very lucky to have not had an STD at this point, because I honestly have no idea how many time my ex cheated. The one thing I learned from that 10 year marriage is to protect myself. Yet on the same note, I did not get married to have to use condoms all of the time. This is something I have discussed with my current husband, and explained to him if he ever does feel the need to stray, he needs to use a condom, and he needs to be comfortable enough to talk to me about it, as I should get a vote in all of my sexual health.

If he ever came to me and said he has an urge to be with a guy, and cannot get past it, it has to happen....well that is a decision i would have to make at the time. I do feel if I agree to it, it is no longer in the cheating category, however I have not yet decided if it would be something I could accept. He has to understand if it is not something I can accept, and feels the need the marriage would have to be over. We cannot have it both ways. Like i said I have serious trust issues, that I deal with very well....but something cannot be taken back once done, and I am not sure if I am at the right level to handle him having sex with anyone else period...

On that note, I would not be opposed to a strap on, fingering his booty during oral, or whatever else he wanted. My only line draw there is rimming, don't know how gay guys do that, but I would more than likely vomit with this one....so it would not be so pleasant for him after all...LOL



Offline jkinatl2

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2012, 04:35:56 PM »
Have you considered couple's counseling? It seems as though there's a lot going on here.

If your husband is bisexual, he can of course choose to have a monogamous relationship with you. It really depends on how strong his urge is for same sex encounters. But I have to tell you - with men, this is not always the case.  Man and women's sexuality are hardwired differently, and what you need from him (and he from you) is direct and honest communication.

Zach's reply to you, while well intentioned and enthusiastic, overlooked something pretty major: your concern of STDs, including HIV.

If he already knows that pursuing sex with other guys is a deal-breaker, I am concerned that he might be tempted to keep his actions from you. I honestly can't think of a quicker route to crazy than not being able to trust that your partner is sexualy invested in you, and all the trust issues that would spawn.

You guys have to keep talking, and I highly recommend a professional to help. Maybe at the end of all this you won't be able to be together. But if you honestly communicate and establish a mutual respect, at least there would not be the bitterness of betrayal - or worse, your membership in these forums as an infected individual.

It does sound to me like you have (valid) trust issues from your past marriage. This might make trusting your husband more difficult. A good counselor can help you decipher your feelings, and figure out where your own perception colors things/events, and where l valid suspicion is appropriate. It's not going to be easy for you, but if he respects you as much as you seem to respect him, then certainly it's worth a try.

As far as condoms are concerned, I understand that you did not get into a monogamous relationship/marriage to use them. There might be times when it's the prudent course of action. Again, that's something you need to know as surely as you can ever know another person's heart. Many women and men on this forum got here because they believed they were in a monogamous relationship when there were in fact not.

It's not going to be easy, of course. But it's always beter to meet this head-on, and never stop communicating. I sincerely hope this turns out well for the both of you.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Online zach

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2012, 04:47:11 PM »

Zach's reply to you, while well intentioned and enthusiastic, overlooked something pretty major: your concern of STDs, including HIV.


go get yourself tested for all std's, and then have an honest discussion with your husband about monogamy and condom use. but he may lie to you.

after your std tests, (hopefully all negative) you will be empowered to protect yourself. wear condoms. but if you choose not to, its you who is accountable.

i didn't overlook the std angle, her only mention of hiv was a reference to a friends father that had nothing to do with the rest of the post. while i'm sure std's are a concern for her, i think her main problem is that her hubby is bisexual. that and some trust issues.

still think this post is in the wrong forum. at its basis, it is not about hiv.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2012, 04:49:03 PM by zach »
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline whatwilllifebring

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2012, 06:11:47 PM »
Zach the reason i brought it here is I guess because my friends father being diagnosed with AIDS, and learning about my husbands past several months before friends fathers diagnosis is kinda what sparked my worries. I was never concerned about my husbands past until I heard those words AIDS. And the face the parents were still married after all of these years, my main fear is I do not want that to become my life, and I will admit it is making me crazy.

I am thankful my husband is willing to talk openly with me about it, My ex husband could never even admit to cheating even after the divorce. The final straw was when he attempted to have sex with my best friend, I know she would not lie to me...he was the one lying...

My husband has not been with a man for about 6 years, and I believe him on this matter, as he has been so open with my crazy questions thus far.

I guess this forum was where I felt I could get advise from a gay/Bisexual man, as well as STD HIV concerns.

Offline whatwilllifebring

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2012, 06:21:58 PM »
I have considered couples counseling, my husband actually brought it up when I found this text message on his phone....or was willing to talk to a minister or whatever I wanted to do....but honestly I feel this is so much more my issue than his....

I say this because he has been open, i feel like I can ask him anything and he will answer honestly, but like you said, I do feel if he decides to cheat man/women i will not be the first to know, because that is not the way this works.

He tells me he regrets his past, it was just the easy way for him to get off basically with hectic schedules and not in a relationship....he only sent the text because of freaking out a little over marriage, but never followed through, which I believe, since there was no other communication, as well as phone calls (trust issues, I snooped on the bill). He says as soon as he sent the text he realized he was being retarded, and that was not what he wanted...

my husband has never been married before me, but has had a couple long term relationships with women....he says he could never see himself in a relationship with a man, basically it was just an easy blow job during a busy time in his life.

I for the first time when this came up told him of my experience after my divorce of trying out my curiosities. I am sure this made him open up alot more to me, because he knew then I could not be judgmental at all or would not be rather I guess. I am a pretty conservative to the outside world....and so is he. I guess that is why it shocks me so much that he has experimented at all....

Maybe I need to speak with someone to wrap my head around all of this...lol

Online zach

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2012, 07:19:33 PM »
you're not living with hiv.

and though technically true, its a stretch to say someone you care about is living with hiv. because you're not really here to talk about your friends father.

your relationship and trust issues have nothing to do with hiv.

best of luck with your std screenings though. 
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline whatwilllifebring

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2012, 07:45:47 PM »
Welcome to the AIDSmeds/POZ Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, [b]and others concerned about HIV/AIDS[/b]. [/u]

I'm sorry I thought it would be OK to post this here for advice, if it is a problem I can delete the thread, I do not want to break the rules.

Online zach

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2012, 08:19:37 PM »
Welcome to the Living With HIV Forum!


The Living With HIV forum is open to those who are infected with or directly affected by HIV.

I'm no moderator, they do a fine job. I'm just pointing out that you are posting in a "LIVING WITH HIV" forum. You're issues are not really about HIV, they are about your relationship.
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline mecch

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2012, 08:26:52 PM »
I have considered couples counseling, my husband actually brought it up when I found this text message on his phone....or was willing to talk to a minister or whatever I wanted to do....but honestly I feel this is so much more my issue than his....

I say this because he has been open, i feel like I can ask him anything and he will answer honestly, but like you said, I do feel if he decides to cheat man/women i will not be the first to know, because that is not the way this works.

He tells me he regrets his past, it was just the easy way for him to get off basically with hectic schedules and not in a relationship....he only sent the text because of freaking out a little over marriage, but never followed through, which I believe, since there was no other communication, as well as phone calls (trust issues, I snooped on the bill). He says as soon as he sent the text he realized he was being retarded, and that was not what he wanted...

my husband has never been married before me, but has had a couple long term relationships with women....he says he could never see himself in a relationship with a man, basically it was just an easy blow job during a busy time in his life.

I for the first time when this came up told him of my experience after my divorce of trying out my curiosities. I am sure this made him open up alot more to me, because he knew then I could not be judgmental at all or would not be rather I guess. I am a pretty conservative to the outside world....and so is he. I guess that is why it shocks me so much that he has experimented at all....

Maybe I need to speak with someone to wrap my head around all of this...lol

Your husband is at least bi.  Maybe gay.  Cut yourself some slack. This situation involves the both of you. It's not principally your "issue". 

All this business from him about the convenience and easiness of finding sex with men, and the prostate stimulation is a smokescreen.  He's not comfortable either with his bisexuality, or gayness. Or he is fine with it, but he's having you on!!!  Thinking you are not ok with it.  And to date, you are not!
 I'll bet money on this observation of mine.

You need to trust your emotional health and physical health to something sure, so there is some negotiation in order. Do you want a relationship, with rules of course, where he can pursue his desires with men?  Or not? Do you want to feel safe about your risk of STD's or do you want secrets, lies and risks? 

You haven't done anything wrong!  Neither has he (maybe - if he loves you and married you in good faith.)  Take the WISDOM you attained from your first cheating spouse and apply it to protect yourself now.  Get what you need, what you want.  Be kind but firm with your husband about this.  If he can't comply, dump him.  I smell some taints of selfishness or male privilege on his part.  He's a flip flopper.  You deserve better. Devotion!  Don't settle for a flip flopper who isn't clear, and at ease in his skin.  Don't vote for Romney, and get the man you need and deserve.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2012, 08:31:02 PM by mecch »
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Offline whatwilllifebring

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2012, 09:37:32 PM »
I have to agree with you on so many things, I feel he is atleast Bi as you would have to be to be OK with sexual activity with the same sex, but then again on the other hand, I experimented as well, but do not consider myself BI, I had a curiosity and acted on it, it was a one time thing....has never crossed my mind again.

I feel like I am being a hypocrite by wondering could he have had a time in his life where he did this, but has not for atleast 6 years....and wondering if he would do it again. He tells me no, he loves me, he would not have married me if he felt otherwise, etc.

I think I will try the couple counseling route, and maybe that will help with more of my answers. I mean he has been very open and honest with me thus far, but I struggle with what if he does not even realize he is gay. My biggest fear after my friends fathers diagnosis was oh my, I am so afraid that could be my life....and it was not something that I even thought about until his diagnosis. I do not know if I was clouded until then or not.

My husband said that was a huge eye opener for him as well, and he thanks god he did not get "herpgohnasypalaids" from what he calls his stupidity. He also says it makes him sick to think about it, nd it is very hard for him to talk openly with me, but knows he needs to, and that I need him to.

I will say he has no reason to think I am not OK with it, I have put up a very good front during our discussions, as I do not want to close him off and feel like he cannot be open with me. From my side of the conversations I have been very accepting, as I am not sure how I feel honestly. Like I say, sometimes it is a turn on, and sometimes I want to scream....

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2012, 10:24:40 PM »
i didn't overlook the std angle, her only mention of hiv was a reference to a friends father that had nothing to do with the rest of the post. while i'm sure std's are a concern for her, i think her main problem is that her hubby is bisexual. that and some trust issues.

still think this post is in the wrong forum. at its basis, it is not about hiv.

Zach, if you feel a post is in the wrong forum, please simply use the "report to moderator" button. Engaging the poster repeatedly to tell her she's in the wrong forum won't get the post moved.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Jmarksto

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2012, 12:46:15 AM »
whatwill;

Well, welcome to the forums here.  I for one actually appreciate you posting here and being proactive about your sexuality.

I believe that we all bring our own filters to these discussions.  As a bi, recently diagnosed HIV+ male, in a long term relationship, I bring my own filters. 

My first comment is that nobody knows what your husband's sexuality is except him - I wouldn't read into any comments on this board to gain any insight into his sexuality (my comments included) - that information needs to come from him.  I know there are plenty of "straight" guys who get head from other guys while watching straight porn and that's all they do - call it what you may.  If he is bi - the answer to your question is that one can be bi and monogamous. I think you are asking a different question - which is "is your husband monogamous" - and none of us can answer that question.

Why does it bother me so much that he has had sex with a man? ....  It bothers me alot though, and then at other times, I get off to the thought of him giving oral to another guy.....

I suspect that the reason that him having sex with a man bothers you because you are equating sex with emotional connection, which competes with your emotional connection to him.  The vast majority of men can have sex with absolutely no emotional connection - it is strictly physical.

As you have acknowledged, this discussion needs to be with your husband. My experience is that one of the barriers to openly discussing my bisexuality was the fear of rejection of my primary relationship.  I also found that once I felt safe discussing my bisexuality, and when my partner truly accepted it, I have never felt a closer true intimacy.  I am still blessed to have that in my relationship.

I think there is another underlying question here which is IF your husband is bi, and does want to act on that desire, can you both be safe?  The answer to that question is also yes - and I believe that the more open you two are about the situation, the more likely you are to be safe.

Those are my two cents. 

I wish you two well.

JM
« Last Edit: October 17, 2012, 12:49:39 AM by Jmarksto »
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
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11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2012, 09:18:58 AM »
This thread doesn't quite fit perfectly in any of the categories but definitely not in LIVING WITH, so I have moved it here.

Andy Velez

Offline Basquo

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #15 on: October 17, 2012, 12:51:39 PM »
This thread doesn't quite fit perfectly in any of the categories but definitely not in LIVING WITH, so I have moved it here.

I think this thread would fit perfectly in the I WAS GOOGLING HIV+ TO FIND OUT WHAT ALL THOSE TERMS MEANT AND I RAN ACROSS THIS WEBSITE AND THOUGHT OH, WHAT A PERFECT PLACE TO FIND SOME GAY GUYS THAT I CAN ASK ABOUT MY POSSIBLY CLOSETED HUSBAND forum, but alas, that forum doesn't exist.

Thanks for perpetuating stereotypes; see all the gay guys who responded? Mission accomplished.

This thread has little, if anything, to do with HIV. Grow a pair and ask your girlfriends if you're husband's gay. Surely someone in your circle has gaydar.

Online Jeff G

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #16 on: October 17, 2012, 01:38:25 PM »
Welcome to the forums .

The website is a great resource for information on how sexually active people can avoid contracting HIV so I'm happy you found it . At the top of the page you will find all the information you need .

I think whatwill came here in a moment of vulnerability and it may be true her post is hard to fit into the proper forum but I really cant see where she said anything that warrants such harsh criticism .

For what its worth , I hope you and your husband follows through and get the counseling you need , best of luck .   
« Last Edit: October 17, 2012, 01:41:56 PM by jg1962 »

Offline Buckmark

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #17 on: October 17, 2012, 01:57:56 PM »
I think this thread would fit perfectly in the I WAS GOOGLING HIV+ TO FIND OUT WHAT ALL THOSE TERMS MEANT AND I RAN ACROSS THIS WEBSITE AND THOUGHT OH, WHAT A PERFECT PLACE TO FIND SOME GAY GUYS THAT I CAN ASK ABOUT MY POSSIBLY CLOSETED HUSBAND forum, but alas, that forum doesn't exist.

Thanks for perpetuating stereotypes; see all the gay guys who responded? Mission accomplished.

This thread has little, if anything, to do with HIV. Grow a pair and ask your girlfriends if you're husband's gay. Surely someone in your circle has gaydar.

Whoa!  Too much coffee this morning, Basquo?  Maybe the original poster (OP)  is here because she likes the thoughtful responses from the warm and caring individuals here.

To the OP, you need to have a frank and conversation with your husband.  From what you describe above, that has been difficult, so seeing a therapist (together, and maybe even separately) can be of great benefit with that.  Do it.  I think your concerns are very legitimate.  And since it concerns you, then it should concern your husband too.

Based on phrases like this one below, it looks like your husband has a lot of of shame about his past.  And he needs to deal with that, if he wants a good relationship with you.

Quote
My husband said that was a huge eye opener for him as well, and he thanks god he did not get "herpgohnasypalaids" from what he calls his stupidity.

This statement also bothers me (a lot) because it seems to equate being gay or bi with having AIDS or other STDs.  God, I *hate* that stereotype.  You don't get HIV from having sex with a gay or bi man, you get HIV by having unprotected sex.

Hope this helps...

Henry

P.S.  For the record, I have no problem with this thread being posted here.

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline whatwilllifebring

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #18 on: October 17, 2012, 07:24:27 PM »
Yikes I did not expect such harsh judgement, and apologize if you feel I came here for strictly gay opinions. My best friend is actually a gay male, and I love him and his partner, yet do not feel like i can talk to friends about this because I do not want judgements on my husband. Especially from my straight female friends.

I may have phrased the gonahherpasypalaids thing wrong, he was not saying because of gay males, more so they way he did things, not really knowing the other person.

I think the nail may have been hit on the head with me associating sex with emotion, and men equating sex with sex...I can accept being Bi completely, past is past...but I am not sure I can accept that as an open invitation to have sex with men while married. I like penis...that does not mean I should get to go out and try other ones right? Once we choose marriage, we choose each other. I am not even sure how to consider any other option....other than toys.


Offline jkinatl2

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Re: need some guidence
« Reply #19 on: October 18, 2012, 02:55:14 AM »
I am a gay guy, and I have been as promiscuous as the rest of them.

I also quite frankly state that my experiences are and always will be my own. I am not speaking for anyone.

Can I separate love from sex? Yes. Hell, I have done that in relationships.

But I have never, ever separated emotion from sex. These are two drastically different things.

From the moment I set eyes on the guy, or guys, to the moment we shed pants, there were strong emotions. Sexual urges, fantasies, creative drives, the insatiable need to belong and be needed, if only for a few minutes.

Sex is an intense event. It is not like walking to to a Redbox and getting a movie. Done right, it leaves an imprint on you. True, some of my imprints have been shame, or embarrassment, or regret - but you'd never feel these without some sort of emotional thing going in , right?

I submit that unless your husband was capable of being an unfeeling sociopath, that these encounters DID have a deep and intense meaning to him, if only for a short while. Hell, it's the closest thing we get to being transcendent. Anyone who feels nothing then, should be seriously questioned.

Sorry, but of course these things were important. Just as sex with you is important. I had an emotional connection with every single person I have had sex with, whether it be for an hour, a night, five months, ten years. Not that those levels were the same - of course they weren't. But I would be a fool to decry my past as irrelevant, or those other people as mere tools to my ejaculation.

If that's what they were, then I was really doing it wrong.

And thankfully, I think I wasn't. What matter is what he is now, and who he wants now. Moreover, your level of trust with him and your ability to balance what he says with what his behavior predicts. Only time and experiences will tell this.

Perhaps it will end well for you both! I admit I have not seen it happen that often, but love has a way of making things work despite the machinery of man's world, and man's heart.

My very best to the both of you.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

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