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What to do.....


Hey ladies,

I've known to be positive for a year and a half now. The first period has been very hard, but now I can say that I've got myself together again. Work is good and I like my life with my kids. A few months ago I met this guy.... and we just connected. He made me feel a way that I hadn't feel for a Long time. We just have fun together, we have walks at the beach and het just makes me feel alive again. The first times we had sex he'd use a condom, but lately he keeps wanting to have sex without.... I keep insisting he uses one by telling him Im not on birthcontrol. Last night the condom broke, he does not know about my status but I just couldn't find the strength to tell him. Im not open about my status, not even my parents know. Im so scared for his reaction.... What if he gets mad? He lives in the same town as me and he knows a lot of people that I know too... I am just scared that he will go tell people once he finds out.... Its just so hard. I feel so bad about myself, I know that the risk is very low as my VL was just 1300 on my last check up but still.... I keep thinking about it, and I don;t know how to bring it up... The one person that knows about my status is my best friend, she told me to tell him that I just recently found out... but I'm not sure about that either.

I find myself in a situation now where I just dont know what to do.... I know that if I continue with him I need to tell him, but sometimes I just think that maybe the easiest way is just to leave him alone. He does treats me good and he tells me that he loves me... Im just not sure if he will once he finds out.....

That's a hard situation, but I think if you want this relationship to go anywhere (and be based on truth and honesty and trust) then you need to find the courage to be honest with him.  Chances are that he'll freak out initially but given time and education he'll realise that you can continue to have a relationship.  You also need to give him the opportunity to look after himself too, you couldn't live with yourself I'm sure if he were to become positive.  I'm presuming it's too late now to consider pep?  The chances of him becoming infected from that one encounter are very low, but would be better if you had an undetectable viral load, where the chances would be very very low indeed. 

Be strong and have the courage to face this.  I'm not sure how you contracted this virus but for me it was because of someone else's lies and failure to be brave enough to allow me the opportunity to protect myself.  Someone else decided my fate after he couldn't bring himself to be honest.  I'm not sure what would have happened if he had told me the truth, but at least I could have made that decision and not had made for me.  Good luck and let us know!

I do understand where you are coming from. Disclosure is one of the hardest things to do. If he is truly the person you were meant to be with, he will be around after you tell him. He will be more upset if you didn't. Just my perspective.

The truth is the only thing that will get this boulder off your back. Envision the worst case and it will fall short of that.

Do be clear. If he's not got a quick temper or violent streak, go it alone. If he does, make sure that girlfriend's a speed dial call away for help.

This is one of those Golden Rule moments, my friend. How would you feel if the tables were reversed? The condom broke and he shared the news. Understand that and you might get a feel for how it may go.

The longer you wait, the worse it will be and you've already lied so he may think it's one among more, or if the first, there will be others to follow.

Now you can appreciate why disclosure is difficult but important. You'll not do this again. It's easier to get cut off earlier than later.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Hey Brokenhearted...

You haven't been back since you posted -- doesn't even look by your profile timing that you've read our posts to you.

We hope you are okay -- and, that you'll post when you get back to this site.



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