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advice from discordant heterosexual couples, please

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juliette:
Hi, first of all I would like to say thanks to all of you because thi forum is the only place where we can express how we really feel.

Last year I meet a wonderful man (he is a man I am a woman and we are both 29 years old) and the relationship was going great, we had already talked about having children, we were a serious and sweet couple, etc.

Actually he is the best boyfriend I ever had cause he is so cute, nice, sweet, intelligent... and specially he is a really good person, everybody loves him. I am a little bit paranoid about getting ill so with all the boyfriends I have had I always asked them to get tested so finally, after 1 year of relationship, I decided I trusted him so much I should take the pill and forget about condoms because I prefer to have sex without a condom. Before starting with the pill we  both got tested and we found that he is positive. He was diagnosed 2 months ago and since that day my nightmare started. My first tought was to break with him, because altough I shouldnt say it, I  consider myself nice, funny and beautiful and I tought Why do I want to make my life harder?  Why do I want to be with a person that can infect me? unfortunately one condom brook(4 months ago) and we had never use condoms for oral sex so I am still really really worried maybe finally, even tought I have make things in the safe way, I think I can be infected, I got tested again one month ago and the test was negative and now I have to go again soon just in case, altough all the doctors told me the chances are 0 because the last exam was 3 months after the condom failure (but actually it was 2 months and 27 days so I am worried for this 3 days and after we did also oral unprotected sex several times). And this is my real problem, that I have never been so scared in my whole life. The day I went to the hospital to collect my 2nd result was the scariest day in my life, I felt sthg really weird in my stomach, I really tought I was gonna kill myself if I was infected and that I could never forgive neither him neither me so I couldnt stop thinking about breaking with him cause I was thinking just three more months until I get my final results and then I wont even see him again. But at the same time I feel so selfish, I have started to have paranoias and I think I am gonna get cancer or a horrible disease and my new partner will break with me, I am creating hypotetical horrible situations in my mind, like that I am gonna die alone (I have always tought about having family and getting married and I know everyhting about the Swiss suggestion and sperm wash) or that maybe finally I got infected and then we break and any other man will be with me, cause I really think a lot of people see HIV as a really bad thing.
I want to be with him cause I think I love him because right now I am still with him but at the same time I am worried he wants to stay with me so much because he is worried of meeting a new girl and telling her and she wont accept. But he is so great I am so sure another girl will accept his status that I am scared about loosing him, but I am not sure if I will be happy with him cause I know at least once a year I will have to go to get tested again, again and again. If before he was the perfect boyfriend now he is ten times better. He is so romantic, this year we have travelled and life so much...he did me so many cute things for my birthday, after so many boyfriends he was the first one who actually spent a lot of time (finally life taught me that peoples time is richer than proples money) creating himself my birthdays card.

I think it sounds really selfish not being with him just because I have to get tested every year, but I cant describe how bad I feel that day.

Now the biggest problem is with sex, I just dont want to do it, we havent had proper sex since the day of his first result, we have only been doing  "manual jobs " once he did oral sex to me (the doctor told us it was totally safe if it was him the one doing it as saliva doesnt contains virus, but even if I know this, I am still worried) and the other day we tried to have sex, with condom of course, but just maybe for 5 minutes because I just cant do it. I know one day maybe I am brave enough to have sex with him again but I think I am always going to be really worried and sex wouldnt been as good as it was before I knew he had HIV. I know all this sounds stupid because luckly he got his first lab result and he is undetectable so now the chances of getting infected are less than before but I am still worried and I am not sure if I will be totally happy with him.

I think I am still young so maybe this is too much for me and maybe I should just break with him and find another person. I know it sounds hard but sometimes I think this is a nightmare and in three months I am going to wake up and I will be happy again. But then I think maybe if I lost him and he finds another girl then he wont be back with me and maybe I would never been as happy as I have been this year with him.
I would like to hear from other heterosexual couples who have had babies and also I would like to know exactly the chances of getting infected if we try to follow the swiss suggestion. I would like to receive any advice from any woman who is in my situation. I feel really sad, since that day I have been crying everyday and I am the one who is not infected and I think I am doing it difficult for my boyfriend(I think he is suffering  alot but he doesnt want to tell me cause he is a strong person), cause usually I am a happy person, but now I just cant stop crying evry time I am alone or with my boyfriend. I haven~t told anything in the job or to my group of friends and I am starting to find difficult to cope with the job and all my worries. I am also scared of one day getting a little bit drank and tell my best friend, I think I should go to a psychologist or maybe any group help for HIV partners cause I dont know what to do. What would you do if you were in my position?

karry:
Hi there
I have read your post and there is so much going on with you right now.
Yes, you have the right to be worried. That is normal. But I believe you are making this so much about you than about this man you are with. Your concerns are only about you: you fear being infected, you fear he will leave you after he infects you, you fear no man will want you after he infects you and leaves you, you fear you will get cancer, you fear friends will find out.....you fear you fear you fear.

Calm down. Take a deep breath, look at things logically.

Since the fears are ruling your life, just leave this man. Believe me there are many women out there who will be happy to have him. And he deserves someone who will stop for a while to think about him, not someone who is so consumed by their fears that they start thinking of all possible scenarios that will probably never happen.

In your words you say you want to be with him because "you think you love him"...do you love him for real, or do you only think you love him? This might hold the key for you.

I was in a sero-discordant relationship before. He was wonderful and supportive and never made me feel like my HIV + status was the worst thing that ever happened to him.

Educate yourself more about HIV.

I am sorry if I come off a little harsh on you, but there is so much going on in your post and I feel you have issues that you need to address yourself, and right now you may cause more damage to this guy.  He already has to deal with being positive....just remember that.

Wish you the best.
Karry

juliette:

Hi karry,
Finally I didnt understand what happened with your ex partner but you say was so I guess you are not still together, are you? Are you with a postive man now or alone?

I know you don't understand me but you are not in my position (u are in his position) so your advice doesnt' help me. But you made me feel like a really selfish person so finally I am fed up, I have had enough of all this shit and YES I AM SELFISH, but life told me sometimes we need to be selfish. Actually I had always been quite educated about HIV and I guess this is the reason why I use condoms, unfortunately condoms are not totally safe and unfortunately the woman is the one who has more risk of getting infected, so finally you are right I am going to break with him cause to be honest I hate him when I think how stupid he was for not using condoms with his last girlfriend, who by the way used to take hard drugs and so did he, however he promised me he had never used any serynge. I am sorry but I have been responsible during my whole life so now when I think I might be infected just because a condom's failure I am really depressed to be honest, and apart from that I need to hear how selfish I am so this is enough. You are right I dont love him cause I think he is gonna bring me problems and i am so selfish I am not going to spend more of my time in this forum cause I dont want to make VIH my life.

My biggest concern was about how to have children and if there was any couple in the exact situation as me (man infected woman not) but to be honest I am starting to think this is a myth cause finally most HIV couple don't have kids

karry:

--- Quote from: juliette on October 08, 2012, 12:24:23 PM ---Hi karry,
Finally I didnt understand what happened with your ex partner but you say was so I guess you are not still together, are you? Are you with a postive man now or alone?

I know you don't understand me but you are not in my position (u are in his position) so your advice doesnt' help me. But you made me feel like a really selfish person so finally I am fed up, I have had enough of all this shit and YES I AM SELFISH, but life told me sometimes we need to be selfish. Actually I had always been quite educated about HIV and I guess this is the reason why I use condoms, unfortunately condoms are not totally safe and unfortunately the woman is the one who has more risk of getting infected, so finally you are right I am going to break with him cause to be honest I hate him when I think how stupid he was for not using condoms with his last girlfriend, who by the way used to take hard drugs and so did he, however he promised me he had never used any serynge. I am sorry but I have been responsible during my whole life so now when I think I might be infected just because a condom's failure I am really depressed to be honest, and apart from that I need to hear how selfish I am so this is enough. You are right I dont love him cause I think he is gonna bring me problems and i am so selfish I am not going to spend more of my time in this forum cause I dont want to make VIH my life.My biggest concern was about how to have children and if there was any couple in the exact situation as me (man infected woman not) but to be honest I am starting to think this is a myth cause finally most HIV couple don't have kids
--- End quote ---

Considering you said you wont be spending any more time on this forum, I will still reply for the benefit of replying:
1. My ex and I separated because I had to move to another country for immigration. We are still friends. The long distance did not work, and I felt I needed someone physically present in my life, so I broke up and started a new relationship. Today I am with a wonderful positive guy....I wont change him for anyone in the world.

2. I think you found the answers to your questions and to your worries. You've eloquently spelt it out yourself in this post.
I still stand by my point: you are judging him because he is positive. You are mad at him because he is positive...something which you think he could have prevented, just as you are probably judging me and the thousands or millions of other positive people in the world because you think we were stupid enough to get infected, right?

They always say its when things are going bad that you know who can really stand by you. I guess this guy you now hate will finally get to know that you were with him for the wrong reasons.

I know the truth hurts, but admitting you are selfish did finally help you open your eyes and see that you dont love this guy and that he is better off without you, or vice versa.

I still think you ought to be more educated about HIV. If you REALY were, you wont say some of the things you are saying, especially your last statement.  Knowing you have to use condoms is good....but that is not all you need to know. Have you seen statistics about positive women who have babies? We have some on the forum. And there are also negative women who are with positive men and they have babies.

Most people with HIV dont make VIH their lives....we live fruitful lives and contribute a lot to society. Myself and my partner work full time, enjoy life and HIV does not limit us....and HIV is not our lives!

So good luck with letting go of this guy, and hoping you find someone with whom you will live a disease-worry-free life!
Karry

juliette:
sorry if my reply was a little rude but, to be honest, u hurt me with your comments like Educate yourself about HIV or when u tought that u started harsh (if u think so its because u know u were being too hard with me). anyway, I had just posted this to listen nice words or postive messages from serodiscordant couples with babies, but I have opened my eyes and made my mind. I dont judge my boyfriend for what he did its more for what he didnt tell me. u were the first who started judging me. Sorry if I hurt other people cause that wasn't my intention.

I really believe an amazing woman will love him cause he is amazing.

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