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Sitting by while your seronegative friends get happily MARRIED

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Hi Everybody,

This is my first post to the poz forums. I have been lurking on here for the past 2+ years ever since I received the worst news of my life. Since then, I have derived a lot of emotional support from reading these forums, about how other women have been dealing with this infection. For that I thank you all who contribute to these forums.

Over the past 2 years I have been through the ups and downs of learning to live with this infection, and it has been hard, but I feel that I am on the upswing for the most part, in that I have begun to understand what the word 'acceptance' really means. Things are not all rosy, I am frequently depressed, angry, and bitter on my down days, but I am facing the reality of it now.

However, there is one issue which still plagues me, and I don't see it getting any better. At 31, I have suffered a lot at the loss of the dreams I once had as far as marriage and specifically marrying the HETEROSEXUAL man of my dreams. I just don't see it happening. I have been on the dating sites, I have met a few nice guys, but I can't help feeling like I'm going to have to end up settling in a way I never believed was possible 2 years ago. I don't want to offend anyone, but how many freaking times am I going to go on a date with a poz guy who claims to be straight, only to find out that he got his virus from gay sex and is really in denial? 7/10 of the men I have met online are in this category.

Yes, I have read from various posters on this forum that there is cause to be hopeful dating seronegative guys, that I would be surprised that some men could be open-minded. I don't believe it. I have disclosed to one seronegative hetero male prospect and after finding out he was negative NEVER SAW OR HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN.

What kills me, and I mean absolutely makes my blood BOIL, are the invites that just keep rolling in every few months: "You are cordially invited to the wedding of Mr [amazing catch successful goodlooking fantastic heterosexual alpha male-type] and Ms. [insert every single friend and frenemy you've ever had one after the other]". None of my seronegative friends know that I am positive. I am moving into the HIV/AIDS sector for work and hoping that it will put me around more poz people (although I doubt I will find many heterosexual positive men, they seem to be hiding or maybe they are in relationships with seronegative women? I don't know. ) I have not been able to bring myself to attend any of these weddings. I am just so angry and I cringe at the thought of being the maliciously jealous singleton. At least when I was single before HIV, I had a reasonable chance of achieving what I wanted in my personal life, so that was ok. Now, not so much.

I saw a special on TV about modern day courtesans, and I thought maybe that's a path I could take. I've heard of women who are on treatment and who don't tell their long term partners and even have children with them, never infecting either their partner or their children in the process, so that they can achieve what they want in their personal life. I don't blame them. 

Sorry to be ranting, but I just needed to hear from other heterosexual women. Are you experiencing this, and how are you dealing with it? Your absolute and brutal honesty will be very much appreciated.

Thanks in advance everybody.

Hi Moongodess
Thanks for being so open and candid about your experiences.

Living with HIV is not a gift...especially for a heterosexual woman. I was diagnosed at 28. Young, about to complete post grad with hopes of settling down! Yes, I was devastated. More-so because the person who infected me claimed he was negative, and my relationship with him had to come to an end.

Post diagnosis, I dated one negative guy...awesome guy, but we had to part ways because of distance. It was difficult to get over him, and I was not sure I'd meet any other neg guy who would be as open and accepting of my status as he was.

I then started to turn down any guy who wanted to date me just because I could not bring myself to disclose to them and deal with the consequences. I just kept to myself for a while, and when the loneliness got the better of me, I decided that I only wanted to date positive, as a way to avoid having to disclose.

I met a couple of pos guys online....and went as far as meeting some for dates. The guys I met had become infected via blood transfusions (hemophilia), drugs or heterosexual sex. After a couple of dates that did not go past the first meeting, I finally met my current partner. We had it on and off for a while, and we've been together in a committed relationship for over 2 years.

Some of my HIV- "negative" friends (or friends whose sero-status are unknown to me ) do get married, have kids etc. So do some positive women I know personally, and these pos women are married to neg guys. Do I feel a bit of envy and wish I was the one getting married at times? Yes! For sure!...but I am happy for them!

I do have the following philosophy: marriage is not for everybody! A woman does not need to be  Mrs. Somebody to have an identity. Some women are so miserable in their marriages to that so-called Mr. good catch that you wont want to be in their shoes.....and maybe that Mr Good catch is the one who ends up doing it on the down-low....and she will never know????

I know its easy to say dont envy them yada yada yada....but I will still say it. Dont envy them! Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence!!

Hugs to you

P/s : Are you 100% sure about the sero-status of your friends? I mean the ones getting happily married???

Hi Moon,
I've been diagnosed for over 20 years.  I was married to a negative man, after I found out about being positive.  Unfortunately, that didn't last due to certain circumstances.  But, I think if you meet someone poz or neg, and get to know them, something may come of it.

I have to be honest, maybe it's because I'm older, but I don't pursue relationships anymore.  I kind of concentrate on my work, family (I have grandchildren), and homework, and kind of forget about trying to find a mate.  I realize when a person is younger they may not be at this place I am, but if you concentrate on your career and any other factors in your life, like friendships, or hobbies, maybe you'll stop thinking so much about trying to find Mr. Right. 

That's just a suggestion.  I know it can be hard to be without a partner, but if you get to the place where you're happy and contented with yourself, you may not miss it so much.  Good luck!

I am in a similar position to you and up until a couple of months ago I hadn't disclosed to any other males (after being on and off with the man who infected me).  I had one good experience with dating from a poz website that hasn't put me off and one experience of disclosing to a neg. guy who thought he could 'heal' me (so I put an end to anything before it started with him!!!!!)  Keep trying and don't lose hope - the right person is out there for you, poz or neg. 

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it.

I sometimes feel like my emotions go in cycles, up and down, and it typically goes really really down when I am confronted with other seronegative friends and the romantic opportunities they have which seem so far away from me now. It's hard to explain, but as an example: I will be in a state, possibly for a few days where I  have mentally coached myself to the point where I feel like, I can have whatever I desire, I just have to manifest it and work towards it, and I'm feeling good, and NORMAL for awhile..........then I'll get an invite to a housewarming party to celebrate my newly married friends' fantastic new step in their lives. Whereas before my infection, I would be happy for them, now I can barely bring myself to RSVP. And just like that, I'm back down again.

I feel stuck. I keep trying to pursue my goals on a daily basis, and trying to stay busy.... but the voice in my head keeps saying "what is the point?" and it is very very hard to ignore it.

Karry: I agree with you that marriage is not for everyone, and I try to tell myself that everyday; at the same time, I know deep down that I truly do want a committed relationship with a man and children. I don't even want to think about the alternative. It wouldn't be honest. And this is why it is so hard to be happy for them (although I know I should try to be!). When I see my female friends progressing in their personal lives, it's a constant reminder of what I feel I've robbed myself. I can't be a 100% sure of their serostatuses but I would bet money they are negative. Of course I can't prove it.

BT65: I do feel better when I try to focus on other areas of my life (career, hobbies, nurturing relationships with seropositive female friends who understand). I am trying to get to a place where I am not stigmatizing myself and beating myself up every time I get a trigger. It is a constant struggle, but perhaps I am better off not even dating seriously until I've gotten to that place? And how long is that going to take?  :-\

TabooPrincess: Regarding the 'healer', I don't blame you for running in the opposite direction! That's another fear I have: that my serostatus will attract the wrong kind of guys or guys with who mean well but can't see past the virus.


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