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Poll

How to restart?

stay by myself
6 (30%)
stay with my friends and family
2 (10%)
go for a date, know a new guy?
4 (20%)
work hard
5 (25%)
travel
2 (10%)
or something else, plz write down
1 (5%)

Total Members Voted: 14

Voting closed: October 10, 2012, 09:57:19 PM

Author Topic: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?  (Read 3149 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline sjks520

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Recently, my partner of two years ended our relationship citing my HIV-positive status as the main reason for the break up. He said he had been suppressing his discomfort with my HIV status and finally realized it was a problem.  I felt like I had a curse that I could do nothing.

Dating and falling in love is one of the most normal of human behaviors, and for the most part, it's no different for someone with HIV. Things should be like that, but after I got it, I can't stop thinking that I was a loser. :-[

Help!!!!!!!!!!

Offline geobee

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2012, 12:38:57 AM »
If a good man breaks up because of your HIV status, well, then maybe he wasn't a good man after all.  Hang in there.  It will get better.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2012, 12:55:17 AM »
Recently, my partner of two years ended our relationship citing my HIV-positive status as the main reason for the break up. He said he had been suppressing his discomfort with my HIV status and finally realized it was a problem.  I felt like I had a curse that I could do nothing.

Dating and falling in love is one of the most normal of human behaviors, and for the most part, it's no different for someone with HIV. Things should be like that, but after I got it, I can't stop thinking that I was a loser. :-[

Help!!!!!!!!!!

You are NOT a loser.

Neither is this sad guy. He's just flawed, and can't accept your situation.

He does sound like some of the hysterical assholes in the Someone I (seriously don't really all that much) Care About forum.

Hope he realizes, when his own partner leaves him because of his cancer/heart attack/other situation that Karma is a wheel.

Love is hard. It's hard when its painless and there are no bumps in the road. It's harder with the bumps. But for those brave enough to face those bumps, the reward is, well, love.

My boyfriend is HIV negative. He has Crohn's. Severe. In the year we have been together, I have seen him through three serious surgeries, the latest being a (temporary) colostomy and the introduction of new medicine. He is recovering at my place. We haven't been remotely intimate for months, and I have no idea how long that will go on.

But I love him, and that resets all my permissions.

Me, I am doing swimmingly, Undetectable viral load, CD4 count holding it's own. Between the two of us, I have the higher quality of life for sure.

So where are we?

Your ex partner needs to, and will eventually understand that, an HIV diagnosis is currently in the small print of Shit That Can Go Down. At least in the lucky portions of the world that have access to meds, amirite?

Life isn't perfect. And no one makes it out unscathed. Your ex partner seems to still believe that he can. He is, sadly, due for an awakening.

You, however, are heading towards your next true love. The journey is not straight, the road is not paved. And there are dragons and whatnot. But you will get there. And he, whomever He is, will get there too.


"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2012, 01:14:41 AM »
thanks, but for me, it's really a tough time.
and i'm hesitating that if I need to move on.

Offline Ann

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2012, 08:26:46 AM »
Hi SJ, welcome to the forums.

I think you accidentally hit the report to moderator button instead of the reply button on Jonathan's (jkinatl2) response to you. You said,

thanks for what you did. And i know it's time to move on. But actually i'm not sure if i can find a good guy again.

I put it here for you because only mods and admins can see the moderator reports.


If this guy decided after two years that he can't handle your hiv, then you're very likely better off without him. You're not the loser in this situation, he is. He lost you, his loss. Loser.

You're a young woman - in fact you're in the prime of your life. Of course you should get back out there and date again. You deserve love and happiness, just as we all do.

You know what I often tell my mates after an unpleasant break-up? The best revenge is to be happy. Move on with your life and find someone else who is more deserving of you. You haven't written much in these forums (yet), but my gut instinct is telling me that you're a great person and fun to be around. You'll find someone.

You haven't yet mentioned what your health is like. Are you on meds with an undetectable viral load? If you are, you are highly unlikely to ever infect anyone. In fact, positive women are conceiving babies the "old fashioned way" (ie unprotected intercourse) when they've been undetectable for at least six months, with no other active STIs. And their men are remaining hiv negative and their babies are hiv negative as well.

Don't forget that there are a lot of great men who also happen to have hiv, who are also looking for - and deserving of - love. I'm with a poz guy myself and it makes life a lot easier in so many ways. I was also with a negative man for the first eight years or so after my diagnosis, and he remained hiv negative. I split up with him, but not because of hiv. Don't let hiv rule your life, your head, or your heart.

Hang in there hun, and keep posting. :)

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline niecy_nurse

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2012, 09:38:29 AM »
You are definitely not a loser. Just concentrate on yourself for now. Someone worthy of your love will come along. Trust me on that one.


Niecy
Diagnosed July 6, 2012 by mouth swab
Confirmed July 25, 2012: VL=821
August 7, 2012: VL=1054, CD4:578
Sept. 12, 2012: CD4=701
Sept. 13, 2012: Started Complera
Oct. 5, 2012: VL=UD; CD4=809

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2012, 09:50:48 PM »
haha
thanks Ann
I really appreciate that both for the correction or your sincerely suggestion.
May be I will feel alright after a month or two.
But now, I can't stop those bad feelings. ???

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2012, 09:52:25 PM »
and Niecy, my thanks also goes to you
thanks for helping me

Offline mecch

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2012, 11:13:05 PM »
Its sad to break up with a lover.  Its infuriating to hear a dumbass exuse for the failure to love.  Don't move those emotions over into the part of your brain that manages being HIV+.   It was his problem he couldn't deal with.  You are not a loser.  You feel sad thats normal just keep that sadness attached to the right cause.

Don't need to be pollyanna and say HIV brings no baggage to dating and love.  But  jkinatl2 beautiful summary explains that we all carry misc baggage so always keep that in perspective.  There are plenty of people in this world wise enough to understand that so you should never give up on love and relationships if those are important to you. 

Its normal to feel sad after a break up and wonder about getting back on the market again.  I have heard folk wisdom say the timeout usually falls about 2 months for each year together.  So the folk wisdom is that a some people need a couple of months to get over and be ready for the next, while other people breaking up from long relationships might need a few years!  Everyone is different of course.  You might stumble over Mr. Right when you aren't looking next week.  Meantime, just be nice to yourself and give yourself room to feel sad about one thing, but dont let the sadness bleed over into everything. 
« Last Edit: September 20, 2012, 11:17:33 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #9 on: September 21, 2012, 01:32:38 AM »
mecch, maybe you're right. Everyone has to go through those tough time.

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2012, 04:36:41 AM »
Still can't fall asleep. Too many thoughts just come into my brain. Can't stop it!

Offline dowellndoubtnot

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2012, 04:50:50 AM »
I am just one person, but i am sure there are tens of thousands like me...i am negative, and have been dating a wonderful postitive man for about 6 months now, and i am hoping we spend the rest of our lives together. Don't lose hope, not all of us allow a silly stigma to keep us from love! You certainly have a challenge when it comes to finding a partner that most other people don't...but hey, most of us all have unique challenges don't we?

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #12 on: September 21, 2012, 08:14:16 AM »
An HIV diagnosis is currently in the small print of Shit That Can Go Down. At least in the lucky portions of the world that have access to meds, amirite?

This is so true.

Offline mecch

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #13 on: September 21, 2012, 08:19:34 AM »
Well, not to lead this thread off track but if HIV+ "should be" a bump in the road in countries with good medical care, we all know that's hardly the universal experience.

Example: funding of health care isn't so easy for US citizens, it can be a real hassle and even a nightmare. 

And the social, economic and civil rights discrimination can vary immensely from country to country, region to region, and individual's own experiences, setting. Even where there is HAART.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Common_ground

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2012, 09:34:02 AM »
I think many would benefit by taking a step back and get some perspective on both your own life and the world today. Snap out of it and stop portraying yourself as a victim. Rejection can be hard to handle but you are as jkinatl2 said, not a loser.

Lets stop a second and think of the millions of HIV Negative people dying in poverty, wars, malnutrition etc . Kids and young people who never got a chance in life. Then come back again and say life sucks, when you got healthcare, food and roof over your head.

Its in your hands to find love, be happy and to make something good out of your life. Seize that opportunity.     
2011 May - Neg.
2012 June CD4:205, 16% VL:2676 Start Truvada/Stocrin
2012 July  CD4:234, 18% VL:88
2012 Sep  CD4:238, 17% VL:UD
2013 Feb  CD4:257, 24% VL:UD -viramune/truvada
2013 May CD4:276, 26% VL:UD

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #15 on: September 21, 2012, 02:26:14 PM »
Your partner is not a jerk for leaving.  He couldn't handle it and it's his right to leave.  I'm sure there were other issues besides your status alone.

Find someone who is poz and you will have no worries about infecting him.  Otherwise find someone who is neg and not afraid to become poz. 

Yes you should restart dating, yes you can find the right person.
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #16 on: September 21, 2012, 03:22:10 PM »
Your partner is not a jerk for leaving.  He couldn't handle it and it's his right to leave.  I'm sure there were other issues besides your status alone.

Find someone who is poz and you will have no worries about infecting him.  Otherwise find someone who is neg and not afraid to become poz. 

Yes you should restart dating, yes you can find the right person.

Or find someone who is neg and keep it that way. Wtf?
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Online Miss Philicia

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Offline karry

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #18 on: September 21, 2012, 11:25:05 PM »
Still can't fall asleep. Too many thoughts just come into my brain. Can't stop it!

Hi Sjks...
Dealing with a breakup is never easy, even when you initiate it. You said you recently broke up...so its kind of understandable that you are losing sleep and thinking a lot right now. There is a little magic formula....time. It does the trick. Give yourself some time to get over this, then you can move on.
Karry
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #19 on: September 22, 2012, 02:09:38 AM »
Hi Sjks...
Dealing with a breakup is never easy, even when you initiate it. You said you recently broke up...so its kind of understandable that you are losing sleep and thinking a lot right now. There is a little magic formula....time. It does the trick. Give yourself some time to get over this, then you can move on.
Karry

Thanks karry.
Maybe time is what I really need.

Offline mecch

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #20 on: September 22, 2012, 06:38:50 AM »

Find someone who is poz and you will have no worries about infecting him.  Otherwise find someone who is neg and not afraid to become poz. 


Is this a grammar mistake. Did you mean, not afraid of becoming poz - or not afraid that he might become poz -- as in - someone who knows safesex will work and its unlikely he/she will become positive in a sexual relation with an HIV+ lover?
« Last Edit: September 22, 2012, 06:41:09 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2012, 10:57:00 PM »
 ;)

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2012, 02:40:58 AM »
i am concerned on if i should follow my heart and love him or stay away from loving him because of the situation

Offline mecch

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #23 on: September 24, 2012, 03:44:49 AM »
i am concerned on if i should follow my heart and love him or stay away from loving him because of the situation
Has he made it clear he permanently broke up? Or, are you now getting indications that he just needs to time to come to terms with dating an HIV+ person, and might eventually look for a reconciliation?

Confused by your new post.

Its OK to love an ex, flaws and all, even forever, after a breakup, but it eventually transforms into a different kind of love, cause obviously you aren't a couple anymore and will eventually be with a new love.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2012, 03:46:46 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline karry

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #24 on: September 24, 2012, 07:26:01 AM »
i am concerned on if i should follow my heart and love him or stay away from loving him because of the situation

If someone has made it clear to me that he cant stay with me because of my status, then I think the option is clear: Highlighted in bold.
If he could not come to terms with your status, then he is not accepting you and all that comes with you. There are negative  men out there who have not only dated but married positive women, because they could see pass the HIV-ness of their partners.
Hope you soon feel better, meet someone more deserving and be happy. We all deserve to be, and right now my heart is bleeding for you because of the hurt this man is causing you.
Karry
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #25 on: September 24, 2012, 05:56:02 PM »
Just to add to this - everyone has SOMETHING about them that renders them totally and completely undatable on paper.

Cancer. Diabetes. Mental health issues. IBD/Chrohn's Disease. Financial missteps and bad credit. Career missteps. History of substance use/abuse. Inability or unwillingness to procreate. Religious incompatibility. Intolerance of OTHER people's "undateability" while vigorously defending one's own.

Everyone. Even your ex. Well, right now, especially your ex IMHO.

Eventually, you will (I hope) come to a place where HIV is not a factor that is substantially more damaging than any other damage or defect. Then you can pick and choose who is worthy of YOU, and not think that you are worth less than you are.

Time, as has been said, is the only real curative. Having tried most of the shortcuts, I agree.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #26 on: September 25, 2012, 02:09:48 AM »
yeah, what a stupid thing I'm doing.
but sometimes I just can't forget those romance he gave to me.

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #27 on: September 25, 2012, 05:03:51 AM »
yeah, what a stupid thing I'm doing.
but sometimes I just can't forget those romance he gave to me.

Yep, heart break sucks. And it hurts.

But the good part is, in time, you WILL MOVE ON and will likely meet someone better, sooner or later.

In the mean time just learn to be happy and talk to someone if ever you're down.

"Life's too important to be taken seriously"- Oscar Wilde.  ;)

Hugs
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline kmfdm221

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #28 on: September 26, 2012, 12:27:02 PM »
Hmm well I'm a 23yo 6' 180lb college jr with a career in mma and muai thai before becoming poz. Obviously since I was diagnosed, I'm not allowed to compete in those sports anymore. Despite being in some of the best shape of my life and having higher grades than ever before, I have not been on a date since becoming poz 2 years ago. And I don't blame those individuals for avoiding me: if I could take back the decision that got me infected, I would never risk becoming infected: it's fucked up my life in every way I can conceive. I'd love to offer some consolation, but in all honesty, my life poz is UNLIVABLE compared to my life before I was poz.
   It sucks, but I would never blame ANYONE for avoiding someone who's poz: everyone on these forums claiming that someone who can't see beyond your POZ status is a bad person is...well...a bad person themselves. I'm sure they'd be preaching the same lines if they weren't poz...just like I'm sure every friend of mine that would TOTALLY date me if there weren't in a committed relationship is telling the truth (sarcasm)

Offline mecch

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #29 on: September 26, 2012, 03:51:55 PM »
Hmm well I'm a 23yo 6' 180lb college jr with a career in mma and muai thai before becoming poz. Obviously since I was diagnosed, I'm not allowed to compete in those sports anymore. Despite being in some of the best shape of my life and having higher grades than ever before, I have not been on a date since becoming poz 2 years ago. And I don't blame those individuals for avoiding me: if I could take back the decision that got me infected, I would never risk becoming infected: it's fucked up my life in every way I can conceive. I'd love to offer some consolation, but in all honesty, my life poz is UNLIVABLE compared to my life before I was poz.
   It sucks, but I would never blame ANYONE for avoiding someone who's poz: everyone on these forums claiming that someone who can't see beyond your POZ status is a bad person is...well...a bad person themselves. I'm sure they'd be preaching the same lines if they weren't poz...just like I'm sure every friend of mine that would TOTALLY date me if there weren't in a committed relationship is telling the truth (sarcasm)

Hello. I am sorry you feel this way.  That said, i don't see how this is constructive input for our original poster, sjks520.

You are living partially in a self-constructed prison.  There are plenty, PLENTY of serodiscordant couples around.  I encourage you to open your own thread to hash out your frustration, anger and sadness.  I was around in the 80's when dating or loving an HIV+ person meant he/she might drop dead in little time.  Still, even in the 80's, there were PLENTY of serodiscordant relations around and HIV+ and HIV- people fell in love with each other, or just dated, or just had sex.  All the possibilities.  And it hasn't changed since then. 

Its not a pollyanna world view to say that an HIV+ person is entirely realistic to expect sex, dates, love and relationship. You can start working on changing your hopes and expectations, or your black hole may get worse.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #30 on: September 26, 2012, 09:20:18 PM »
I'm not claiming them. I just want to find the right way to live. Hope the days going better.

Offline sjks520

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Re: Would you consider restart dating? Can I still find the right person?
« Reply #31 on: October 07, 2012, 09:32:42 PM »
My day is going well, so how's your day? :-*

 


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