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Author Topic: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later  (Read 3445 times)

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Offline fidofido

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Hi, all.

TL;DR - got into relationship with girl when near to leaving country. discovered later she was poz. didn't talk about it enough. she took it for granted everything was ok. i couldn't cope, ended it, still missed her horribly but couldn't resolve my feelings. she met someone else and quickly got married. i got very upset, left with a lot of unanswered questions and troubling emotions, no one to talk to.

Posting here because I wondered if it might help a little to get my story down all in one place, once and for all. Not a lot you can do to help, since this is all too far in the past now, but perhaps some of you can impart some wise words. Feel free to criticise; thereís not much in this tale that I feel good about, and Iím sure you canít say much that I havenít considered myself over the past few years. I would be great if people could take the time to see my side of the story, though. If thereís anything Iíve needed itís a little sympathy and understanding.

Anyway, let me get into it. Iíll try to make things as brief as possible. A little over three years ago I was living long-term overseas, but on the brink of departing, having made the tough decision that I needed to move on. I suppose I felt quite excited about the possibilities, in spite of the fact that I was leaving behind a lot of great friends and happy times. In the last few months I suddenly found myself in a relationship with a girl (Iím male) Iíd known in passing for a little while, her being part of my social circle. One night we ended up alone together and one thing led to another... Letís call her X. At the time it was very surprising but exciting. I suppose Iíd always found her attractive but had never considered that things might go further. We had a lot of mutual friends, and owing to the fact that I was about to leave the country, they were rightfully concerned that starting a relationship was a bad idea. I was very upfront about this, we discussed it openly, and I was under the impression that she accepted the situation and wanted to give things a try as much as I did. After all, we had a few months when we could be together; the time after that might be uncertain, but if we both wanted it, then why not?

We had been together for a few weeks when one evening she told me that she had to tell me something important, that she was positive. Itís hard to remember how I felt. I suppose most of all I was stunned, having never seen that coming. Up until this point Iíd been enjoying that things had been so simple between us; we knew each other enough to skip the rubbish and head straight to the happy times. There was a lot in my life at that time which was so uncertain and frightening. I had no idea where my life was going next, and I was afraid about that. At least it seemed like this relationship was comforting. Until then, anyway. I think that I took the news well. I could have ended things there, I could have thrown her out. I could have been angry that sheíd waited so long to tell me (we were already sleeping together). Instead I was... just stunned, I think. I had no reference point to deal with this. We talked about it a little, I asked a few questions. She said that it was her problem, not my problem, that I shouldnít worry about it, and asked me not to tell anyone - to which I agreed.

That was the one and only time we talked about her condition. Looking back now, Iím sure that I needed us to talk about things again, after Iíd had some time to absorb things. But I certainly didnít want to... I didnít want this situation; who would? And she never asked me if things were ok. Perhaps because I didnít say anything she assumed or hoped that everything was fine, or wanted to believe that I didnít have a problem with it. Iíd already committed myself to the relationship for those few months at the very least, but now there was a much bigger mountain to climb than Iíd ever expected if we were going to spend our lives together.

At least for those few months we were very happy. I buried my fears and tried to enjoy what we had. But after I left, things were very up in the air. We should have discussed our future, but I had no idea what to say. I felt like it was my fault for not talking, but now I feel we needed to talk about things that she clearly didnít want to, or thought were no problem for me at all. There was a gigantic elephant in the room, for one.

I had no idea what I wanted for the future of the relationship, and at least a lot that was happening in my life was more comforting - I was studying and things were going well and I could at least hope I had a good future to look forward to. We stayed in touch and eventually planned for her to visit, which she did. I was worried and felt like I needed to decide whether or not I was truly committed to her, and I would have to make a choice. I think we still really needed to talk about us, which meant really talking seriously about her health for one thing, but again I didnít want to and she never tried to raise the topic... Eventually I couldnít take it anymore and I ended our relationship.

Of course I had some natural anxieties about us like any couple does, but these were really quite small things. The real problem was sheíd taken it for granted that everything was ok and that I didnít have a problem with her condition. The truth was I was completely lost. Maybe I'd given her the wrong impression, but looking back I'm sure I gave plenty of signs that I wasn't happy and that there were things on my mind. I'm not the kind of person to be very direct, and I want to be asked how I feel and I probably take a lot of patience. I had no idea what to think or feel and had no-one to talk to about it. Not her or anyone else. I suppose I could have looked for other help, but I didnít have the confidence and I was completely unable to fathom the situation I was in. Iím sure people can work through these problems, but it takes time, patience and communication. I know I wasnít great at this, but then neither was she.

Anyway, in spite of what a disaster that week was I at least felt a sense of relief that Iíd escaped a situation that had been eating me up. I donít feel proud about this, but imagine dealing with something like this on your own, with no-one to talk to and no idea where to do. And at a difficult time of your life. The problem was, I never knew how I felt about her really; I was too scared about her, and about my future, and I built up my defences. But also how could I really know how she felt about me? Did she really love me, or was she just looking for anyone who'd take her? I know how horrible that sounds, but how could I know? Relationships are hard enough without secrecy, guilt and fear.

We stayed in touch for a while. She would call sometimes and Iíd do my best to listen to her even though I still felt confused. Iíd had to go and get myself checked out, which was all fine although the experience was horrible. A strange part of me even hoped that I'd test positive so that we could get back together and at least I could stop feeling so damn guilty. As time went on I had trouble forgetting about her and as soon as the fear disappeared I started to miss her terribly. The first Christmas there was even a time when perhaps we could have got back together, but I still failed to be upfront about what had really happened and she hadnít been able to read the signs. I guess she still believed that our relationship had been completely "normal", "standard". Thinking back now I find this so upsetting and disrespectful.

So we went on like this for a long time. I tried to get on with my life, but this black cloud still hung over me. Sometimes I had fun, but I was never happy. This went on for a long long time and I tried really hard to find somewhere to go but my life was disappearing into limbo and I still really hadnít dealt with X. I had some chances to meet someone new but my head wasnít clear. I knew that I was unhappy about how things had ended but I didnít have any way to resolve the situation. We had so many friends that probably thought horrible things about me, with made me feel terrible. I lost a lot of confidence in myself, and a lot of self-esteem. I started to feel like a weak, foolish and cruel person. But I still hoped that maybe I could put this behind me somehow, someday

Almost a year went past and I suddenly learnt that she had met someone new, and then in the space of just a few months got engaged, and got married. I just found it out indirectly, thanks to the glorious Internet. At that time things still hadnít been going well for me and this news sent me over the edge. I hit one of the lowest points of my life. I felt like Iíd left someone I loved, and who loved me, because I was a weak, selfish and flawed person. I had so many questions but no way to find answers and still no-one to talk to. Had she even told him about her status? I couldnít understand how things had happened so quickly when Iíd suffered such a breakdown. We talked once during this time and maybe sheíd wanted to talk to me about it, but didnít. I suppose I didnít make it easy for her either.

This was about six months ago and Iíve made some pretty big changes in my life lately, trying to move forward again. But recently Iíve started to fear that this has all amounted to nothing and Iím still right back where I started. From the outside I suppose I just seem like the same person, but on the inside Iím starting to lose hope that Iíll be able to move on past this, and that Iíll be able to find someone else who helps me erase this horrible memory that I just canít resolve. It took two and a half years for me to finally pluck up the courage to talk about this situation to a few trusted friends. I thought Iíd keep this secret forever but I was losing my mind and really need to finally get some support. I suppose it made things a little better, but I still feel like I'm carrying around this burden that almost no-one knows about.

I think maybe on a forum like this there is a lot of talk about practicalities, but I guess my story is one of emotions run wild in dark places. I may not have been a saint, but I walked into this situation innocently. I was just attracted to a sweet girl who seemed to want to be with me too. I never expected anything like this and never had a guide on how to deal with it. Now Iím still struggling to cope years later and still bear this secret that has shaped the last few years of my life. I know that she still has to live with this condition, and may have found someone who is able to deal with it better than I ever did, but Iím still left with some awful scars. I feel that Iíve lost some of the prime years of my life and have no-one to turn to and very few people who know what Iíve been through and who care about me and donít think Iím a villain.

I still hope that I can move on, and that Iíll find someone else, but my confidence is so low that itís all I can do to maintain a little hope. Well Iíll stop writing now. I donít know what youíll make of this. Iíve suffered in silence in years about this, I think I at least deserve to be heard.
« Last Edit: September 07, 2012, 04:17:03 PM by fidofido »

Offline karry

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  • Posts: 271
Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2012, 05:27:41 PM »
Hello Fido
Sorry for your loss.
I wish you had found this forum years ago...maybe reading some of our stories and experiences might have made you approach things differently, maybe some "experts" here might have advised you to be more open about your feelings or fears with X and you might still be together today....

From a positive woman, I have this to say: when a woman accepts her status and is comfortable with it, she knows that HIV does not define who she is. Your X is a woman who does not let HIV define her. That was your dilemma.

Reading all of this, I feel that you are a good guy, and I hope that you someday meet someone to love and hold unto...and the romantic in me secretly wishes that by some chance you and your X could still get together.
Hugs to you
Karry
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline emeraldize

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2012, 11:56:17 PM »
Sorry for you but this seems to fall in that "The One Who Got Away" category. You're older and wiser now.

Offline fidofido

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2012, 06:59:29 AM »
Hello Fido
Sorry for your loss.
I wish you had found this forum years ago...maybe reading some of our stories and experiences might have made you approach things differently, maybe some "experts" here might have advised you to be more open about your feelings or fears with X and you might still be together today....

From a positive woman, I have this to say: when a woman accepts her status and is comfortable with it, she knows that HIV does not define who she is. Your X is a woman who does not let HIV define her. That was your dilemma.

Reading all of this, I feel that you are a good guy, and I hope that you someday meet someone to love and hold unto...and the romantic in me secretly wishes that by some chance you and your X could still get together.
Hugs to you
Karry

Thanks for your kind words. You're right, I wish I had found this forum. But I think at the time I was too much in denial. I probably needed a slap in the face to make me wake up and realise I needed to deal with things properly before it got too late. Unfortunately that never happened :'(

I do hope that someday we can resolve things. There's lots I still need to say to her, but now is not the right time. If I can finally find someone else who is as special then I hope I can exorcise my demons and perhaps there will be a chance. Hoping that can happen soon, but I've been waiting such a long time. I hope I can make the most of it when I do.

Offline fidofido

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2012, 07:00:46 AM »
Sorry for you but this seems to fall in that "The One Who Got Away" category. You're older and wiser now.

Thanks. You're definitely right about that. If there's anything positive I can take away from this, it's how much more I need to communicate and not take things for granted. Basic stuff, I know, but easier said than done sometimes

Offline emeraldize

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2012, 08:35:21 AM »
How many years ago was this? Just curious as to how long you've been pining.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2012, 11:50:25 AM »
My take is that you both made the bad decision not to talk about things including HIV.  But not only.

You are still even now years later assuming that she decided you were OK about dating an HIV+ person, because you never spoke about it again.  Who knows, in fact, what she was thinking.  Anyone you did youself no favors not talking about what was on YOUR mind. 

And you shouldnít assume what other people are thinking, either.  Not on important matters in a relationship.

So my second impression is that you shouldnít think that HIV was the reason you two never made it as a couple.  HIV was an excuse.  You were both insecure about yourselves and your challenges in life.  If it wasnít HIV, it could have been another thing that ďtook the blameĒ for not establishing open communication, real intimacy, and the ability to say ďyesĒ to a relationship. 

Iíve seen this over and over again.  People ďprojectĒ onto HIV all sorts of things that they are unable to work on directly so HIV takes the heat.  And it can provide plenty. 
HIV is a big scarey monster so obvsiously HIV is the problem. 

Whereas actually maybe its other painful, or ambiguous stuff, that you donít want to confront.   Its so EASY to justify ďgiving up" up on someone because of HIV Ė-- the scary killer  (which it does not have to be, by the way) , the threat to my blessed state of health (being HIV-)  ----

Whereas it may be shameful to have to consider -  1) do I want the heartache and inconveniences of a long-distance relation?  Or struggle through the self esteem issues of:  2) Will I have a job to support a wife and family?   Or 3) Is this person really good or bad for the future I am imagining for myself?   Or 4) Sheís gonna reject ME, in fact, when she REALLY finds out who I am, or about x, or y, or z!  Or whatever the fuck. So I better keep my mouth shut...

Anyway, that's my offer to you.  This potential couple was not wrecked because of HIV nor your fear of HIV.  Its relatively simple to learn the latest news about HIV and she could have explained (a pity she didn't) or you could have learned them.

It's not about the HIV dude.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline fidofido

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  • Posts: 6
Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2012, 12:55:39 PM »
How many years ago was this? Just curious as to how long you've been pining.

we broke up summer 2010. for most of that time, though, i completely buried the whole thing - we broke up due to my inability to deal with it, after all. i dealt with it by telling myself that it was an impossible situation that no guy could have dealt with. ridiculous, i know, but i had to find a way to deal with the regret :(. so when i discovered last september about this new guy, that completely pulled the rug out from under me; from what little i know it looks like he completely snapped her up and clearly didn't have any of the fear that i did... this is the main reason why i've developed so many problems since - feeling like i missed out on a chance of happiness due to weakness/selfishness, etc. that's pretty hard to swallow and has really damaged my self-esteem

of course, it's entirely possible that her new husband is poz as well... seems a little unlikely but would explain a lot. and if so, i really wish she could have just told me. i would totally have accepted that and been unequivocally happy for her. the unanswered questions eat me up as well

Offline fidofido

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2012, 01:08:01 PM »
My take is that you both made the bad decision not to talk about things including HIV.  But not only.

You are still even now years later assuming that she decided you were OK about dating an HIV+ person, because you never spoke about it again.  Who knows, in fact, what she was thinking.  Anyone you did youself no favors not talking about what was on YOUR mind. 

And you shouldn’t assume what other people are thinking, either.  Not on important matters in a relationship.

So my second impression is that you shouldn’t think that HIV was the reason you two never made it as a couple.  HIV was an excuse.  You were both insecure about yourselves and your challenges in life.  If it wasn’t HIV, it could have been another thing that “took the blame” for not establishing open communication, real intimacy, and the ability to say “yes” to a relationship. 

I’ve seen this over and over again.  People “project” onto HIV all sorts of things that they are unable to work on directly so HIV takes the heat.  And it can provide plenty. 
HIV is a big scarey monster so obvsiously HIV is the problem. 

Whereas actually maybe its other painful, or ambiguous stuff, that you don’t want to confront.   Its so EASY to justify “giving up" up on someone because of HIV –-- the scary killer  (which it does not have to be, by the way) , the threat to my blessed state of health (being HIV-)  ----

Whereas it may be shameful to have to consider -  1) do I want the heartache and inconveniences of a long-distance relation?  Or struggle through the self esteem issues of:  2) Will I have a job to support a wife and family?   Or 3) Is this person really good or bad for the future I am imagining for myself?   Or 4) She’s gonna reject ME, in fact, when she REALLY finds out who I am, or about x, or y, or z!  Or whatever the fuck. So I better keep my mouth shut...

Anyway, that's my offer to you.  This potential couple was not wrecked because of HIV nor your fear of HIV.  Its relatively simple to learn the latest news about HIV and she could have explained (a pity she didn't) or you could have learned them.

It's not about the HIV dude.

yes, i hear you completely. i often ask myself what would have happened to us otherwise.

we were living apart at the time we broke up, but she could have come to live with me with easily obtainable paperwork. but in order to accept that i had to feel confident about her and 100% committed. which was very hard to do with my own ever-worsening fears about her health and our future. i had a lot of doubt in my life at that time but i feel like if we hadn't had this problem i would have seen her as a stabilising safety net rather than the complete opposite... so make of that what you will

as for the communication, yes i think we were both equally to blame. but i do resent that she never asked me how i felt. i couldn't do that on my own. she could have easily asked once i'd had some time to process the situation. there's lot she could have done. we even had a couple of mutual friends who i could have talked to about it... i think that would have definitely helped. maybe she was expecting me to be more direct. unfortunately i'm not that sort of person

and yes, there were lots of smaller things that we failed to talk about too, but from my point of view we never talked about those because there was a much bigger elephant in the room that needed to be dealt with first, which had to come before relatively inconsequential everyday things. i was in denial about that, and she wasn't forthcoming

i don't blame her for hoping that i was "cool" with everything, but i certainly never said outright that i was. if there's ever a lesson for the reader, then it's that
« Last Edit: September 08, 2012, 01:12:44 PM by fidofido »

Offline emeraldize

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2012, 02:50:38 PM »
of course, it's entirely possible that her new husband is poz as well... seems a little unlikely but would explain a lot. and if so, i really wish she could have just told me. i would totally have accepted that and been unequivocally happy for her. the unanswered questions eat me up as well

I'm a tad confused now. If she'd told you she'd fallen in love with someone new you could have been happy for her but because she didn't tell you, you're not?

Further, more than a year after you end the relationship you learn a new guy waltzes into her life (doesn't matter whether he's negative, positive or a unicorn BTW) and it puts a mirror to what you perceive as your being weak, selfish and now suffering self-esteem issues over it?

Put your practical hat on, the one you had on whenever you were however old (and I sense you're a LOT younger than I) and revisit that time. You were in love or in strong like. You were coming back to your home country. You found out your beloved had HIV and you didn't have enough facts. Did you have a job, did you have insurance, did you have a family to consider, all the did you's at that time came into play.

You made a decision at a point in time, based on a set of known's and forecasted unknown's. Do yourself a major favor. Give this lovely gal your best wishes in your thinking and move on. Learn from this. If you fell in love with an HIV positive woman again, you might, might, make the same sort of decision again. But you would certainly come to the decision with a different filter as you made the decision.

I think possibly one of the things that is bothering you, amidst all of this, is that she was able to get on the horse again rather rapidly and gallop! The cynic in me wonders if you looked at her as damaged goods who would have a harder time replacing you and the opposite happened leaving you stunned.

Forgive yourself and look for someone. Follow your former's wonderful example. You leaving her did not stop her from moving on and finding love.

Offline LM

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  • Posts: 409
Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2012, 03:33:03 PM »
I think you should take the opportunity to learn more about HIV so that this sort of thing never comes in the way again of your relationships of any kind. It shouldn't and it's really sad it does. You've lost someone because you couldn't cope with that... maybe now, with more information, you could. Then, if you get to that point and realize it, perhaps you can forgive yourself and move on. Because we all make mistakes at some point in our lives, but the important thing is to try to learn from them so that you become someone better.

Also, from a different perspective, leaving someone because they have HIV might be difficult, but someone leaving you because you have HIV is much, much worse. Remember that. Your "weakness" could have done much harm, so at least be glad it didn't. In the end, it seems you were the one really paying the price, so it's up to you to try now and move on. And do it better next time, regardless if the unforeseen "obstacle" is HIV or not.

Offline karry

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  • Posts: 271
Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #11 on: September 08, 2012, 04:01:47 PM »

of course, it's entirely possible that her new husband is poz as well... seems a little unlikely but would explain a lot. and if so, i really wish she could have just told me. i would totally have accepted that and been unequivocally happy for her. the unanswered questions eat me up as well
                                                                                  Why do you think it would explain a lot if her husband is positive as well? Do you think he would marry her because he is positive?  :(
« Last Edit: September 08, 2012, 04:35:08 PM by karry »
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline Joe K

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #12 on: September 08, 2012, 07:44:35 PM »
yes, i hear you completely. i often ask myself what would have happened to us otherwise.

we were living apart at the time we broke up, but she could have come to live with me with easily obtainable paperwork. but in order to accept that i had to feel confident about her and 100% committed. which was very hard to do with my own ever-worsening fears about her health and our future. i had a lot of doubt in my life at that time but i feel like if we hadn't had this problem i would have seen her as a stabilising safety net rather than the complete opposite... so make of that what you will

as for the communication, yes i think we were both equally to blame. but i do resent that she never asked me how i felt. i couldn't do that on my own. she could have easily asked once i'd had some time to process the situation. there's lot she could have done. we even had a couple of mutual friends who i could have talked to about it... i think that would have definitely helped. maybe she was expecting me to be more direct. unfortunately i'm not that sort of person

and yes, there were lots of smaller things that we failed to talk about too, but from my point of view we never talked about those because there was a much bigger elephant in the room that needed to be dealt with first, which had to come before relatively inconsequential everyday things. i was in denial about that, and she wasn't forthcoming

i don't blame her for hoping that i was "cool" with everything, but i certainly never said outright that i was. if there's ever a lesson for the reader, then it's that

I suggest you get a grip and stop blaming your ex for your own failings.  If you don't have the spine to speak up for yourself, that's one thing, but to blame her, for your weakness is going too far.  You have a mouth and you could have used it to express yourself, but you chose not to do that.  As I read your post and replies, it seems obvious to me that you considered her "damaged goods" and you expected her to do everything, including making you comfortable with her HIV infection.

I have news for you, for most of us, it's all we can do to hold ourselves together at times and the last thing a pozzie needs, is a negative partner who wants us to do all the work.  If you truly cared and loved her, you would have found a way to make it work.  But you didn't and she cut her losses and moved on to someone new.

The only one here to blame is yourself.  Stop trying to place all the blame, on her, for the failed relationship, when it seems that you were unwilling to do the hard work required to make it work.

Joe

Offline mecch

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #13 on: September 08, 2012, 11:41:19 PM »
I'm with Joe.  I'm not sure you even got the gist of my message to you. In your response, you quickly reverted back to explaining it all via HIV again.

I wonder if maybe you can't say yes to relationships. A relationship you say yes over and over and over, that's what keeps it going, not letting whatever comes along lead you to the "no".

I think you have doubts about your value to carry a relationship.  Also that you are going to find excuses going forward, so think about that.  You didn't talk about so many things and your excuse is because the elephant in room needed to be addressed, HIV.  I don't buy that. In a relationship, sometimes you talk about money, sometimes about gardening, sometimes about housework or and who's doing the shopping, sometimes about holidays, and sometimes about health, and so on and so on. Sounds to me you never even got into a relationship with her if you froze up as soon as you heard HIV and never spoke about anything again.  Hmm. Really? 

You know, even complete fuck ups have a right to relationships.  I bet you aren't a complete fuck up so there isn't much sense to thinking you have to work on something or other about your self before you'll be ready.  But, if thats what you feel, then please don't put any failure or blame or regrets onto the other person's shoulders.  I suggest you love yourself a bit more and relax and don't complicate things so much and open your mouth and speak about your wants and needs and fears with the next person, especially when you feel the "tug".  And don't forget to tell her how wonderful and beautiful she is and how she makes you happy and you want to be with her forever. 



ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline Ann

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #14 on: September 09, 2012, 04:42:48 AM »
Fido, she's moved on and it's time you did too.

I agree with the others who have said that this is more about things other than hiv. You're just using hiv as the excuse as to why you didn't have the maturity to make the relationship work. It sounds like you've grow up a little in the intervening years, but it also sounds like you've still got some work to do so this doesn't happen again with another relationship in future.

Whether the new woman in your life is poz or neg, she's still going to have a past and having a past means baggage. We all have baggage that needs to be dealt with in the context of a healthy relationship. Her baggage just happened to be hiv. It could have been anything and I suspect you would have reacted the same way whatever her baggage may have been.

I have to say I find your assumption and what sounds like hope that her new husband is also poz offensive. It's like you're saying that she's damaged goods and you can't see anyone who is hiv negative wanting her, hence your assumption/hope that he's also poz.

Maybe emotionally speaking, you're the one who is damaged goods - and maybe that's also why you hope he's poz. You think if he's poz, then maybe you weren't wrong to react the way you did. Got news for you, even if he IS poz, you were still wrong. 

I'd like to point out that just because you were wrong doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. Being wrong means you made mistakes and we all make mistakes, whether we're good people or bad people.

The difference is that good people learn from their mistakes and change accordingly, but bad people blame other people or circumstances for their mistakes and keep on making the same mistakes and keep on blaming anything but themselves for those mistakes. Don't be the bad person. Learn, change and grow.

If this situation is stopping you from getting on with your own life (like she's gotten on with hers), then perhaps you need to find a relationship counselor or therapist with whom you can sort this out, so you can learn, change and grow and ultimately move on too.

Dwelling on the past without making the necessary changes highlighted by your past behaviour is not going to do you a bit of good - it will only hold you back and harm you in the long run. This isn't something you can do completely on your own, so please, seek out professional help.
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline fidofido

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #15 on: September 09, 2012, 09:28:30 AM »
                                                                                  Why do you think it would explain a lot if her husband is positive as well? Do you think he would marry her because he is positive?  :(

i'm just saying that would remove the obstacle that i had. sure, it wasn't the only thing, but it was a *thing*. is there not a scene for this kind of dating after all? i don't expect that she searched out a poz guy, but in the event that he is too then both of them would have been able to strike that off the "problem" list... which is great for them. and knowing about this would have stopped me agonising about the choice i made. i'm not sure why this might be offensive. i'm not implying that she couldn't find a neg guy who accepts her at all, but i struggled with it and if he didn't then that means him is a better man than me. since i feel bad enough about everything, at least this explanation makes me feel a bit better - even though it's most likely not true

well, anyway, thank you for the honest responses! i really don't mind. most of this stuff i've asked myself over the past few years anyway, so it's nothing new. i'm sure that coming on here causes an overemphasis on the hiv problem, but you also have to bear in mind that over the years i've had pretty much no-one to talk to about this and all of these issues spin around in my head instead over being discussed openly. i think this may be the case for many negative partners. the whole secrecy thing was a big problem for me. i may have failed to talk about my feelings in the relationship, but i am the sort of person who likes to discuss reasonably private matters with good friends. unfortunately i wasn't able to do that

Offline mecch

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #16 on: September 09, 2012, 10:21:39 AM »
Yes good observation about yourself there.  Don't freeze up and keep silent about things.  Talk to the party concerned. And by all means talk to a good friend or your mom or whoever is a reliable sounding board when something comes along that really throws you for a loop.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline Blue75

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Re: She was poz, I couldn't cope. Still struggling with emotions years later
« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2012, 08:25:23 PM »
Sorry my friend, she's the one that got away, poz or not. It's kinda like too little too late. You finally realize you love her, but it's too late. Very normal in relationships of all kinds. But, you've gained some knowledge...love overcomes a lot..you know that now, right? Don't miss the next opportunity.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

 


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